To think she is asking a little to much of me as a bridesmaid?

[ovenbun]

I feel super unkind writing this and may need a MN slap for it but I am getting a bit tired of my dear friend's expectations of me as a bridesmaid.

Firstly can I say I am so very pleased and happy that she is getting married and I do genuinely feel lucky to have been asked and very very happy to be part of it all :) I think i might have facilitated the problem too by being so happy and enthusiatic ...and now i feel very guilty that my enthusiasm is waning as im finding it all a bit hard work..we have been preparing for over 2 years and even when the wedding was 2 years away we went away for my husbands birthday n she brought massive files of wedding stuff for us to work on..and expected regular trips of all of us to wedding fairs, girly wedding prep evenings with the bridesmaids..i didnt see it as an issue at the time but my husband has said lately 'thats where it all started'..

I have been grated by comments/expectations such as 'you have to commit to a dress size' someone innocently said that the potential brides dress complemented the bridesmaids dresses n she launched into a big rant 'they are there to complement me' (true but no need to spell it out) and just general narcissim really...its so disheartening because i love her so much but this stuff is spoiling our relationship.

The thing i find most hard is i am also bridesmaid for two other close family members while she has been planning (long engagement) and she has been quite disparraging about their weddings even to the point of making quite an unkind status about the weather on one wedding day..and making a big deal about her wedding (a hairstyle practise night, dress shopping and a preparation evening) all in the week leading up to my family members wedding...bear in mind her wedding is over a year away.

wedding dress shopping...we have monthly appointments to attend with 1 or 2 shops each time to 'last it out',,she expects a large group of extended family n friends to attend each of these, we have even had to ring wedding shops to see if we can skype people in...the time in the shop is magic n she looks so beautiful i do really love it, but afterwards we are all expected to only discuss the wedding and to spend a long time going through many photos of her in each dress,
(from 2/3 different cameras). I once made the mistake of asking another bridesmaid how her son was doing in his exams (on the way home from the shop) and the bride interjected with 'he will look so handsome in his suit for MY WEDDING'

Their wedding is well over a year away and i am expected to give at least two days a month to things like prerparation evenings which are lovely but focussed on making things for the wedding, compiling the several wedding files (kind of like a library of 100 mood boards), pinning to the 6 wedding themed shared boards she has made on pinterest etc.

the latest is that we are all expected to attend a '1 year before the wedding' celebration meal at an expensive place...she has said she understands if its too much money but I just feel so pressured...I want to be there but not to bash other peoples weddings or to be measured on my topics of conversation..

I can't address is with her can i? or it'll make her feel sad and like im not interested which isnt true at alll..i just find the intensity of it all a bit tough...god im a horrible person aren't I? Help!

The saddest thing of all is her refusal to discuss anyone else's wedding. I loved hearing other people's stories about theirs, and got some good ideas and advice.

Not read throgh all this - so sorry if someone else has said this but whatever you do NEVER agree to be a Godmother if and when she has a child!!!

OP, please share the Wedding List when it is produced (to include no doubt at least a yacht and a racehorse for anyone feeling reeeelly generous towards the B&G).

I would be so tempted to actually up the ante. You know, ask the bride to be, have you ordered the meat yet because, you know, it takes so long to source really top quality peacock/swan/ acorn-fed unicorn.

What, not got the champagne labels printed with his&hers coat of arms and a wuvly wedding sentiment?

Have the silk moths been set to work on the bespoke fabric for her fairytale frock to be woven by a thousand virgin pixies?

Berlin orchestra and Bach choir booked and paid for?

Jimmy Choo briefed?

lashings I had the exact same thought of egging her on!

The bit about Glastonbury was from Don't Tell the Bride. Which is full of bridezillas.

Your friend is barking. Good luck.

She is no bridezilla, she's taken it to another level. Bridesaurus Rex?

The only person I know who went for anything like this kind of planning had already decided she wasn't that keen on the groom before the big day, but went ahead anyway because she loved all her plans so much. She had already picked the new bloke, but it was too late to change such immaterial details as the groom by that point. They were separated very quickly and divorced ASAP.

I give it a year, tops, if indeed he hasn't skipped off to someone less insane before the day itself.

Oh dear! I can only agree with everyone else - this is one of the worst Bridezillas I have heard of and your friend is being massively OTT.

You sound like a lovely friend and I think the very best thing a good friend can do here is to try to talk to her and help her get a sense of proportion. I am sure it won't be easy. She will probably get upset and angry; she might sack you from being a bridesmaid; it might even harm your friendship (if she is really silly) but I think someone has to do it. This is as much for her sake as anything. If she carries on like she is then she not only risks annoying her friends but, as the strain begins to tell, she could damage the relationship with her family and her partner and the stress on herself will begin to tell by the big day. At the very least she is heading towards a serious case of post-wedding blues.

As her friend you presumably have a better idea than any of us how best to tackle this but FWIW I suggest planning your approach a bit so that you make your points calmly without it sounding like you are having a go. Perhaps it would be best to do this when it is just the two of you so she feels less on the defensive? And maybe if you emphasise at the start how pleased you are for her and delighted to be chosen as a bridesmad BUT...

Has she ever been a bridesmaid herself? Does she know many other people in her circle who have got married recently? Are there any examples or reference points you can give to try to illustrate to her how out of control she is becoming? Do you know what her family and partner feel about all this?

I really don't envy you the task but it is starting to sound a bit like a runaway train and will all end in tears if she doesn't get a grip soon.

Please report back

Horry

Surely it wouldn't have been a big deal to swap the groom in that case? Very few of these OTT weddings seem to feature the groom as anything other than a prop - if the wedding was a film the groom would be a McGuffin.

I'm fascinated (in a horrified way) to hear how this pans out, OP. It's still a year to go and you're having to meet twice a month. I bet you'll be expected to take annual leave for at least the four months leading up to The Big Day.

Ooh. It's going to be a good year.

I think we're going to need a whole new topic. Not just a thread but a whole topic called ovenbun's crazy friend There's going to be loads more hilarity over the next year isn't there?

Arf at Bridesaurus Rex. Nice one.

My bridezilla ended up sobbing outside on her wedding day after storming out for no reason. She had a miserable time as it didn't meet her expectations. Save your bridezilla from the same fate! Good luck.

ATruth that would be hurtful and inappropriate
sign me up

YANBU

I almost feel sorry for Bridezilla. She's going to hit rock bottom after the wedding.

It may get worse OP!

My SIL had eleven pages of instructions for the ushers/bridesmaids at her wedding - eleven!

And a cast list on the back of the ceremony blurb My whole family were laughing up their sleeves at her.

Her marriage to DB is totally up the spout, they've been living apart more than together and are thoroughly miserable. We are all praying that they split and we can see the back of her.

I knew it would happen, she is a self-absorbed bitch and had loads of wedding folders and used to talk about 'my venue' as if she owned the place. Silly bint.

OP have you asked her how she's going to get the weather to behave on the day?
(Or is that really naughty?)

Quick question for the OP. If you add up all the hours you've spent on this, and expect to spend on it, and then multiply it by the minimum wage of £6.31, what would be a rough total amount?

I want to follow up nauticant's question with: and how much would it have cost at your hourly rate, OP?

the bit about the "year to go" dinner had me falling about.

Horry, I knew someone where exactly this happened. Were her initials CW?

What's the betting she enjoys the dress sessions so much that she leaves it too late to actually order one? :o

Nutter.

Has she ever been a bridesmaid herself? Does she know many other people in her circle who have got married recently? Are there any examples or reference points you can give to try to illustrate to her how out of control she is becoming? Do you know what her family and partner feel about all this?

She has been bridesmaid a few times. She was a great bridesmaid to me which makes me feel worse about it all..and she is not usually crazy or self absorbed...admittedly I didnt have the same expectations, no cutting & sticking etc, she planned a great hen and for the wedding weekend helped me loads with set up etc but no shopping etc...there were probably things she felt were hard work at the time but we genuinely tried to keep our wedding pretty low-key and stress free for our helpers and guests..I hate that I'm starting to begrudge it all..

she does talk about other things and has been a real support to me over the years...its so hard because I do enjoy a lot of it but I feel like I'm sort of being told 'be more excited' each time and my excitement tank is running low..if that makes sense?

To be clear we havent had emails or anything saying you must come to two things a month its just that there usually are two things and if I say I can't make it she will try to change it to a day I can come...which makes it hard..which is why I had to say June is off limits..

It isn't awful and some of the things I do genuinely have a good time at, I just don't like the pressure and feel a bit overwhelmed and really I just don't get it..

I am looking forward to planning the hen do and celebrating when it is a little closer and I have tried to gently say 'when thing get closer..' about some of her suggestions

If I use my wedding as a reference point I'm afraid she will feel I'm being competitive? But perhaps I can try? Oh where to begin..

Flipping heck, she has to be the worst ever written about on here. I'd go down the great news, I'm hoping to have a baby route - even if you never plan on having children. Best let DH know but guess he won't mind you saying it if it saves him from further Wedding Fair invites. It will do her the world of good to realise everyones lives do not revolve around her wedding.

In 3 months time get pregnant and tell her your due date is her wedding day.

Just to fuck her off (wahahah - evil laugh)

Sorry I haven't read all the posts.

I actually think YABU as you sound like you have understandably been finding it all a bit much but not actually done anything about it. You should have just said no to any of the shopping trips or whatever that you didn't want to go to. You have let her think you are happy to go. She sounds like a loon but as a long term and usually nice 'loon' you have o take some of the responsibility.

She says she understands if you can't make the 1 year before the wedding dinner but you feel so pressurised. Are you sure she is pressuring you or are you pressurising yourself.

Remember the mumsnet adage... NO is a complete sentance.