Ex wants to take DD to Australia

[skippy84]

Looking for some honest opinions on this please. Ex and I split this time last year (his decision) we have a daughter who is two (three in October) since the split I have tried to facilitate as much contact between them as possible he has her a couple of nights a week and sees her in-between we also do things together the three of us at weekends or go out for dinner during the week. It has been hard for me to have this much contact with him particularly early on when I was very hurt over the split but I have always been very conscious of not letting my feelings get in the way of them having a great relationship.

My dilemma is this; his only sister and her family emigrated last week to Australia for work. Since he found out about their plans he has been asking to take DD to Australia for two weeks in the winter to see them. I have told him from the start that I am not comfortable with this. I think she is too young to be away from her main caregiver for that length of time. The main reason is that it's too far away and I am terrified that i wouldn't be able to get to her in an emergency. Also I think a flight of that length is too much to ask of a very active toddler for the sake of a two week holiday. He is taking this badly and keeps pushing the subject. I wouldn't mind but when his sister lived an hour up the road he only brought DD to see them maybe twice in the last year so it's not like they're particularly close. I have tried to be reasonable and even suggested if he was really set on it I would fly out with them and visit friends in another part of Australia for the two weeks just to get over my fear of her being so far away. He said he didn't want this either.

He brought this up again today and said he feels I am
just saying no to get at him or punish him for breaking up with me when this is really not the case at all. I feel like I have been so accommodating to him in all this and he just throws it back in my face because he can't get his own way in this scenario. I just wish he would accept my decision and stop pushing it.

AIBU?

Also OP it might be wise to make sure your DD's father has a copy of your permission with him: countries such.as the UK, USAGES and Australia are becoming increasingly aware of the ruse in children being taken to other countries and its not uncommon fir a parent travelling alone to be stopped at entry/exit....documentation showing that everything is above board may help to avoid hassle for your DD and her dad when travelling.
I think it would be a lovely opportunity for them to visit a different country together...though the massive jet lag might not be worth it for only two weeks.

I would have been very reluctant to agree to my ex taking our 3 yr old so far way for 2 weeks because he was so demonstrably crap at meeting her needs when we were together. I don't really care WHY he was so crap and whether he would suddenly shape up because he had no other choice. That would have been an unacceptable risk to our child and I would not have agreed to the trip proposed by op's ex.

I refused to agree to a 3 day trip to Slovakia to go to his friends wedding when she was five because it would have meant taking her out of school to an environment where her dad would have wanted to get drunk with his friends and I had no confidence that he would put her to bed or feed her in the morning. Ok, she was unlikely to die from this but I know she was likely to end up confused, miserable and hungry.

Now she is older I worry less.

If that makes me a controlling insecure mother then so be it. I don't pretend to be a perfect mother simply by virtue of that title, so equally fathers don't get a free pass just because they manage short periods of time reasonably competently.

Quote from the OP

"I genuinely don't think there is a risk of him not returning with her"

Haven't read all of the op but

I wouldn't be comfortable with my very young child going to Australia or anywhere abroad. When they are old enough to understand the concept of a holiday properly, and are old enough to discuss their feelings on the subject - yes, but only just three is a little young IMO.

You have been more than fair compromising, especially given he didn't really take her to visit them much, whilst in the UK.

Build up the holidays. He doesn't have her for longer than a couple of nights at the moment. I would want to do no more than 3/4 nights at first then build up to week.

Yes, I did rhad that. Loss of parents genuinely don't think it will happen....and then it does. Lots of parents genuinely don't think it will happen and it doesn't. However, Im guessing that most people wot know what the red flags are for situations where the risk is increased...I do and whilst I done know the OP or her DD's father I can say he's displaying a couple of red flags...and Im nite the only one who has thought that this all sounds a little odd.

Better to be safe than sorry....I genuinely didn't think my ex would do it...and Important very glad I got some advice before I let him take our DC because i knew NOTHING about parental child abduction at the time and thought taking precautions was a preposterous idea....several years later I now know different...taking precautions was the BEST thing I did for our child's welfare.

Unless you gave experience either this particular issue I really think you need to refrain front scooping at others who do have experience with it.

Scoffing, not scooping.

So presumably the OP's ex should take similar precautions next time she plans taking their child on holiday (i.e. writting agreement, witness etc.). Or do your precautions only apply to fathers?

We all have bad experiences of some sort. I prefer not to project mine onto other people when they've confirmed this isn't relevant to their situation.

And you are assuming that I think this is only applicable to fathers....why? Way do you assume I am sexist? You know what they say about assuming

Projecting? Nope....over 500 children were abducted by a parent out of the UK last year...many of the left behind parents didn't think the abduction parent would do that.

Compare that to 300 children who die of sids in the UK each year...im sure you wouldn't scoff at a parent or
abuse them of projecting if they suggested precautions

Your ex does sound particularly incompetent though spero. There is no indication the OP's is that bad. You did have a point in what you were saying but not every ex partner is as unreliable as yours so I don't think the unacceptable risk applies here. Also I meant that perhaps some fathers recognise basic needs when thrown into a situation indefinitely afterwards, not just for short periods of time.

Of FGS you're likening the risk of the OP's ex abducting their child to the risk of a child dying of sids?

Im saying its more common than sids and has become a very real issue in the past few years. Im saying that taking reasonable precautions can do no harm. Im saying that a parent who's sister whom they barely see has moved to Australia and now that parent wants to visit...for only two weeks? It could be completely innocent...and there's no harm in having it in writing and you'll find that a large proportion of solicitors now advise that an agreement at least is in writing before a parent leaves the jurisdiction of a child's habitual residence with that child....especially if that parent has ties to the country the child is being taken to...which this parent now has - family living legally out there.

I regularly visit another country with DS where I have strong ties and where I would prefer to live. If DH ever asked me to sign an agreement I'd tell him where to shove it tbh

Ah...so it is you who are projecting.

You say DH...you're not divorced or going through the process of divorce....its different and a higher risk fir families who are separated ire are going through separation.

Australia is pretty hot on international child abduction by parents....the lack or a written agreement could pose problems for the ddi and her dad on entry...not very nice after a long haul flightt, wouldn't you agree?

Im not making this up....cafcass, the Foreign Office, the Official Solicitor and a whole other hoard of experienced organisations suggest that written s with clear timeframes are the way to go in these circumstances....possibly more if the proposing parent displays certain red flags.

projecting? No, child abduction is not something either DH or I would accuse each other of attempting. It would only be relevant to use the word 'projecting' if there was a link. Me, I only go on holiday, perfectly innocent. No projection at all.

Erm maybe you should start a campaign instead of hijacking the thread when the OP has already said this is not a concern she has.

She's right they do advise that and some circumstances do raise massive red flags.

Its why loads of parents travelling alone with kids now get hassled when trying to leave unless they have a signed permission letter court order or residency order (the pwc if they have a residency order does not need permission to go on holiday for less than a month).

Last time I left the uk with a few of my kids I had to show residency order and proof that nobody else has pr for the youngest.

And maybe you should stop making irrelevant, disparaging, accessory and frankly childish comments.

OP if you feel your thread has been hijacked I apologise...I've seen you feel it isnt an issue for you but I felt it best to make you aware of the current climate...if only to save your ex and DD aground at the other end if you change your Monday and decide to let her go.

I hope iy works out amicably for you all and you come to some sort of compromise that everyone is happy with.

Goodness Pink, you do sound, err, cross. And rather sensitive to say the least. Rather than upset you further I'll leave the thread

Yes I do hope my ex was unusual (but I am not so sure...)

I am trying to make point that just because someone is related to a child and has looked after them for the odd afternoon here and there, this does not necessarily equate to mother being complete unreasonable bitch if she is not 100% on board with that father taking very young child away for 2 weeks.

I think someof the disparaging comments about op's motivations have been very harsh and unfair.

You see it on here often, Spero. Mum is automatically an unreasonable, bitter, controlling bitch.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many people automaticly jump to the she's being a bitch or its about her own needs thing, granted day to day I don't come across ex couples who have decent relationships but Ime
Its quite usual for a concern to be valid especially with very young children.

YANBU The fact that he wouldn't be happy with you going along and staying separately smacks of him maybe planning to stay there with her?
Age 2-3 is far too long to be away from main caregiver for 2 weeks just for the sake of seeing a stray Auntie. Surely the law must be on your side here?

You don't allow it, be prepared for him not to allow you a2 week holiday with your dd. I think you are being unfair on him but also her - what an amazing opportunity for her and at over 3 she might remember some of it.
We just took 19mo twins on a flight to Canada (9.5 hours), yes Australia is further but she will be fine. Many do it!
He actually sounds like he's being really upfront with you and trying to parent with you, and loving his dd.
Having said that, I wouldn't want dh to take dds from me for 2 Weeks but I would be being selfish. I understand your side. X

YANBU I'd do exactly the same in your situation, and if he's that keen on taking her you have offered him a compromise (which sounds very accommodating and a big gesture to try and find a solution IMO). If he doesn't like it, fuck him.

'We just took 19mo twins on a flight to Canada (9.5 hours), yes Australia is further but she will be fine. Many do it!'

Princess Scrumpy they will remember nothing....3 year olds also remember nothing even when you show them photos and videos. The child would be missing out only on her Mum if she went and likely be very confused.

Lol, my 5 year old, when hearing we were going camping to Scotland this year (we last went 2 summers ago) said "I hope we don't get my finger trapped in the car door again". At first I didn't know what he was talking about but then remembered. He also remembered playing with a little boy on the site called Jack, and what we did while we were there. We've been camping several times since then but he remembers it well.