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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD should be invited to this wedding?

127 replies

Sarah2506 · 21/06/2013 22:34

I've been invited to a wedding when DD will be six months old. I still intend on breast feeding at that stage.

Wedding is strictly no children and would require an overnight stay.

AIBU in thinking no children probably shouldn't extend to breast feeding mothers? We had a no children wedding but made that exception though it wasn't needed in the end.

Am I totally out of date or is this cool now?

She is a good friend. Wedding is in Wales, I'm in London. I can express, yes, but I still wonder if that's an ok expectation!

OP posts:
imademarion · 22/06/2013 08:09

Please don't put the poor woman under any more pressure and anxiety of her own.

She's the bride. Which means its her day, her choices.

It's understandable she doesn't want the risk of squalling during something special that she's put months if planning and attention into.

She may well not want to be upstaged. That's her prerogative.

Yours is not to go.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/06/2013 08:19

Yabu in your expectation that your daughter should be invited.

Just don't go.

If an invite states no children I would assume that included babies.

cleoowen · 22/06/2013 08:33

Tricky. We had no children at ours and made an exception for my sister as her ds was under 6 months.,it was fine as at that time none of our friend had children apart from a few. So I guess if most of her friends don't have children or they are older that's her reasoning.

It's tricky for you though. I found weddings we have been to allowed children under 6 months which sounded reasonable to me. That would cut out the one rule for you and one for everyone else thing.

Think you're going to have to ask her, but it her wedding so her choice. If she still said no I probably wouldn't go as it wouldn't be possible if bfing.

Eyesunderarock · 22/06/2013 08:39

Decline the invite and say why.
Then the bride and groom can reconsider their decision if they want to. You are probably not the only one having to thing about whether they can accept or not.
It seems odd to me, all our family weddings are clan gatherings with babies and somewhat pissed octogenarians all part of the fun.

DontmindifIdo · 22/06/2013 08:47

I went to a no chikdren wedding when ds was 6 month. Are they getting married / having the reception in a hotel ? Book s room in the hotel, ask the hotel if they can recommend a babysitter who'll be in the room with your dc. Pop up to feed at regular intervals. Easiest way to do it. Also worth asking the bride if she knows if anyone else in the same boat who might want to split the cost of child care for the day (at this point I was told that babes in arms were welcome to the church and afternoon reception but not evening do so changed the babysitter to arriving at 6:30 rather than all day, it's a good round about way of asking without asking directly...)

teacher123 · 22/06/2013 08:51

We went to a wedding when DS was 4 months old. I was playing in the service and DH was an usher. We paid for my parents to stay in the hotel and booked interconnecting rooms. I put DS to bed, they had room service and watched a film with the baby monitor on. I popped back to feed him, all was well. The only thing I missed out on was pudding! We're going to two weddings this summer (he'll be 16mo). He's staying with grandparents for both of them!

MrsBungle · 22/06/2013 09:09

I think yabu to think your dd ought to be invited. The couple can invite whoever they like to their own wedding.

I had a child free wedding and I meant child free - all children. We had no kids and none of our close friends or family had kids and I was really put off by not hearing a word of sil's wedding ceremony even though I was sitting in the front row

I think the best thing to do would be to say you'd love to come but can't as you're still breast feeding. This will give the b and g the opportunity to say yes or no at that point rather than them being put on the spot.

I now have children and I still try and get a babysitter if I'm off to a wedding! I like being able to relax and have a drink.

I went to a few when kids were babies - one if which I was a bridesmaid when dd was 6 weeks old and i was ebf. Had it been a child free wedding I just wouldn't have gone but I certainly wouldn't be offended.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/06/2013 09:21

I would just reply and say that you would have loved to have attended but unfortunately as your baby will still be quite small and bf (mine still fed constantly at this stage and didn't take bottles so I do know what its like), then you will not be able to attend.

Send a nice card and a gift.

I missed out on quite a few things when I was bf, but hey, that's life.

samandi · 22/06/2013 09:25

YABU to think your DD "should" be invited. You can always ask though.

TarkaTheOtter · 22/06/2013 09:29

When I hear things like this I think it must be either; 1. The b and g don't know that this will stop you from attending, or 2. They don't care.

RSVP declining with reason ASAP. If they actually want you there they can say the baby can come too.

lljkk · 22/06/2013 09:50

I would ask if I could bring the baby & apologise that I won't be able to come if I can't. Make it their choice.

Jinsei · 22/06/2013 09:59

I think it's up to the bride & groom.

I hate hate hate the idea of child free weddings and usually decline the invitations, but I respect the right of others to choose this, if that's what they want.

The OP had a child free wedding herself, and probably had guests for whom this was difficult, whether they were babies or older children. I'm not convinced that bf makes such a huge difference really - and I bf dd for nearly three years, so I do know what's involved! I just think it's one factor among many that might make it difficult for parents to attend a child-free event.

Thurlow · 22/06/2013 09:59

I think YABU, though it's not U of you to feel a bit put out about it. But there are loads of reasons why people find they can't accept wedding invites. Weddings on week days when invited guests are teachers, for example, or dozens of different ways that guests can't afford to attend - abroad, three day affairs, expensive hotels in the middle of nowhere...

At the end of the day it is their wedding and they are entitled to hold it how and where they want to. I'd just decline politely, but explaining your reasons (nicely) and then the ball is in their court if they just haven't realised. Which they might not have - if you haven't had babies yet and don't have many friends with babies, then they just might not realise.

Oriunda · 22/06/2013 10:39

Last week I attended BIL's wedding with my 15mo son. My SIL was there with her 5mo (BF) daughter. It was a nightmare and a total stress-fest. Neither of us got to see any of the wedding as the 5mo was crying constantly and my DS was getting thoroughly overexcited and couldn't sit still/be quiet for a moment. We ended up standing outside the church for practically the whole time. This was a wedding where children were welcome. Babies are unpredictable. One baby might be content to feed/sleep but another, like my niece, would just scream all the way through.

Children were welcome at our wedding, but if the couple have specified no children, that's up to them and YWBU to ask them to make an exception for you, causing them embarrassment and possibly creating problems with other guests who left their children at home only to see you rock up with your LO.

DeskPlanner · 22/06/2013 11:09

I'd say you can't go, explain why and see what she said. I wouldn't go if I couldn't take a 6 month old bf dc. But then I'm not a fan of child free weddings.

abitlikemollflanders · 22/06/2013 11:18

We had a child free wedding barring nursing babies ; I did think that was the correct etiquette and has been at every wedding I have attended so I don,t think YABU!

ParadiseChick · 22/06/2013 11:19

It's an invitation, not a summons.

SantanaLopez · 22/06/2013 11:19

In my circle of friends there are a good 10-15 of us who have had babies in the last year. Saying to one person that she could bring her six month old would mean that 10 or so other six months old would possibly all be there! Don't ask her, you'll put her in a rotten position. Just don't go.

frissonpink · 22/06/2013 11:23

We're having child free.

Equally, we were invited sans 3 month old (at the time) to a good friends wedding. It was fab to have a child free night. Really enjoyed it.

Sorry but I don't see your issue? If you don't want to leave your baby, don't go.

Really. Your baby is not the centre of everyone else's world as well!

But if you do go, don't moan. Either go and enjoy your child free time, or decide that you'd rather stay at home with the baby. Either way, YABU and your friend is totally within her rights to say child free.

LastTangoInDevonshire · 22/06/2013 11:24

I said 'no children' at my wedding. Didn't stop 2 sets of people bringing them...........and they squalled, cried and shouted throughout the whole ceremony. Pissed off I was!

Hulababy · 22/06/2013 11:35

I have never really understood child free weddings myself. Never will I suspect, or rather I will never find them as being better than a family friendly event, for me personally that is. But hey- each to their own.

Child free means child free. Once once exception is made it is difficult to then bar others who all may have various reasons for why their child should come. So, if you get to take a breast fed 6m, what about the mum of a bottle fed 6m for example?

If you can't go child free then you decline. I wouldn't even give a reason unless asked for one. It may out the b&g in a difficult position.

Or you find alternatives. TBH - for me the extra cost of paying for a hotel babysitter, or having to fork out for a second room for grandparents, etc would only be worth it for VERY close family or friends. Else, I'd miss it and just see the photos.

sweetmelissa · 22/06/2013 11:37

I do not think you should ask the bride as the invitation was very clear. And so I do think you would be being unreasonable to ask.

If you did ask you would put her in a difficult position. She may then feel she has to say yes and would make things awkward for other guests who had done as the invitation stated and made other arrangements for their children. I think it is far easier, and fairer, to make a no child rule, rather than state "no children unless breast fed/under 6 months/over 100 miles way/from single parent families"...deciding where to draw the line really would be difficult and practically guaranteed to call offence!

I do understand. I am a foster parent and when invitations are issued but cannot include my current foster children (which of course I am fine with - actually never had an invitation that DID include them) I obviously cannot attend the event myself. So I politely refuse - as I believe you should if you cannot leave your baby, as other guests would in their particular circumstances too.

chloesaidfred · 22/06/2013 11:53

I think that since time began it has been okay to invite whom you like to a party.

cory · 22/06/2013 12:00

A breastfed 6 month old is rather different from a breastfed 6 week old. When dd was 6 weeks old I hardly got out of the chair because she was constantly glued to my boob. When she was 6 months old her feeding was far less frequent and giving her something else (cup of formula and a spud to gnaw) wasn't going to disrupt breastfeeding as it might have done in the early days. A 6 month old baby is quite likely ready to start on solids anyway, so it's just not the same thing. Mummy's milk is still important but in a different way.

expatinscotland · 22/06/2013 12:05

Who would look after your DD whilst you're at this wedding, anyhow, since it involves overnight stay?

Weddings have got ridiculous lately.

My elder two didn't take solids till they were nearly 8 months old. Just weren't ready.

There's no way I'd have left a baby that age overnight, either, for some poxy wedding. ANYONE's wedding.

If they want it childfree, that's their business. So don't go.