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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD should be invited to this wedding?

127 replies

Sarah2506 · 21/06/2013 22:34

I've been invited to a wedding when DD will be six months old. I still intend on breast feeding at that stage.

Wedding is strictly no children and would require an overnight stay.

AIBU in thinking no children probably shouldn't extend to breast feeding mothers? We had a no children wedding but made that exception though it wasn't needed in the end.

Am I totally out of date or is this cool now?

She is a good friend. Wedding is in Wales, I'm in London. I can express, yes, but I still wonder if that's an ok expectation!

OP posts:
jollyhappy · 21/06/2013 23:20

Yes mumblecrumble I see no problem with babies but clearly others do.

And again it may be because so many people have no idea about bfing.

lesson good for you that everything went swimmingly.

I guess what I meant by anxiety is if you were bfing a young baby and you received an invite to a lovely friends wedding and it was strictly child free then you may feel anxious about the whole thing - logistics - hotels - expressing if you attend, and sadness if you miss out.

But as lesson says the world goes around and lots of people won't agree with me. It is just that I thought ettiquette was babes in arms welcome.

Fefifo · 21/06/2013 23:21

Hadn't occurred to me that child free weddings were about costs, which obviously a baby wouldn't have any impact on, thought it was more to do with creating a child free atmosphere, which obviously a baby would.

jolly I really wonder why on earth this would cause guests such great anxiety? If you're invited somewhere you can't go, then you just can't go. If the host could accommodate you but chooses not to why on earth would you fret about finding ways to accommodate them? Just accept that on this occasion circumstances don't line up, it's not mandatory to attend every occasion you're invited to.

WafflyVersatile · 21/06/2013 23:23

edit:

''just checking, does the child-free thing include breastfeeding babes in arms? xx''

Coconutty · 21/06/2013 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jollyhappy · 21/06/2013 23:26

OK perhaps anxious is too strong a word but why would people start threads and surely this has come up before.

I guess I meant where it was close people to the B & G like in Mumbles case.

And in my experience guests go to lots of effort to attend weddings, buy gifts and wish B&G's well.

Each to their own - and I do get kids adding to the bill.

41notTrendy · 21/06/2013 23:29

We chose not to have kids because
There would have been 27, +100 guests and we couldn't find a venue big enough
We wanted the ceremony to be quiet and calm having been to a few where babies and children made a fuss and parents had to take them out
My best friend applauded the idea when we discussed with her, as her dd was 3 and they were relishing a night away.
And I say this as a parent, no regrets.

babyhmummy01 · 21/06/2013 23:30

The guest is causing the anxiety not the ppl getting married.

OP can choose to go or not, it is very unreasonable to ask about taking baby when the invite clearly states no children.

There are 1001 considerations made when.doing guest lists and I am.sorry but babies are incredibly disruptive IME as they get bored, need changing, feeding, wind. My cousins baby was 3 month old at my wedding and screamed.the whole place down, my cousins hubby did take her out but have been to.several weddings where baby has been left to cry and the couple have had their moment spoilt.

Cravey · 21/06/2013 23:32

But she said no children. Why on earth would the invite extend to your child just because you are breast feeding. It's simple really. Either ask her if your child can go and see what she says. Or just decline.

lessonsintightropes · 21/06/2013 23:34

I think it's fine to ask, fine to not attend, but not fine to cause a lot of stress to the bride by making her feel she's acting unreasonably by asking more than once or saying how difficult it is for the guest. Sorry if this is an offensive opinion but we are on AIBU... so being honest! Our evening do included a lot of music after the meal (DH is a rock musician) as it was our day, and wanted to be ourselves, and it wouldn't have been a baby-appropriate venue or evening tbh, which is why we gave guests plenty of information and notice.

jollyhappy · 21/06/2013 23:35

Actually if the invite was extended to babes with arms then it would state that.

I have to say I've been at lots of family friendly weddings and babies have not caused any bother.

Cravey · 21/06/2013 23:37

It doesn't matter if babies cause a fuss or not really. It's the couples choice. Everyone is different. I lived having kids at my wedding but think its incredibly rude when people state no kids and then intended guests try and change their minds / bend the invite.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2013 23:39

Don't go!

Mia4 · 21/06/2013 23:45

It is an ok expectation but it doesn't mean you have to accept. I'd turn down the invite if you can't OP go on the grounds of breast feeding. The couple may then tell you babes are welcome but they may just accept your rsvp because they want no kids. I wouldn't ask unless a very, very good friend because it can put them on the spot and make them feel they have to change.

They may not have thought but there could be other reasons they want no children or babies.

jollyhappy · 21/06/2013 23:45

lovethis pic!

I like babies at weddings though.

happyfrogger · 21/06/2013 23:57

We got married and had ours and several other babies at our wedding. Personally we wouldn't have wanted it any other way. but that was our choice, for our wedding, that we were hosting. It's for the host to decide and RUDE to put them in an awkward position by asking to be made an exception. Forget that others might wonder why your 6 month old is more special than their 1 year old or 3 year old. It's rude to ask and make them feel rubbish to have to say no to your face. I'm sure they pained over how to word it politely in the first place so as not to attend.

If it was me, and it was a wedding I really wanted to attend I would book though sitters or take a relative to sit. And if not an option, don't go. Weddings are lovely but not obligatory, and its their day, not all about you and your needs unfortunately!

fabergeegg · 22/06/2013 00:03

We said no kids as I couldn't stand the way they screech during everything (didn't say that bit). No one seemed to have a problem.

It definitely makes for a pleasanter wedding. For people who don't have kids and haven't learnt to tune out their roaring and grizzling, it can be a huge strain. Plus, babies out of routine are a nightmare. Even now, it would be my idea of hell to take DD to a wedding.

sameoldIggi · 22/06/2013 00:10

I wouldn't ask if I could bring the baby, but I wouldn't go - could turn it down and say you'd love to go but wee Nigel can't be left yet - then they would have the chance to say he was welcome, or say nothing and then you'd have your answer.
I wouldn't have left either of mine overnight at 6 months for anything bar a hospital stay.

FatimaLovesBread · 22/06/2013 00:11

When i've encountered child-free wedding, they have normally had babes in arms as the exception.

I don't think a BF 6 month old is comparable to a BF 2 year old. Presumably the 2 year old doesn't get it's main nutrition from breast milk but from food but with a couple of BF at morning/night for additional food and comfort. Where as a 6 month old will be getting all it's nutrition from BF?

The B and G are obviously allowed to invite who they want so it looks like it will have to be a case of expressing and leaving the baby at home

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 22/06/2013 00:14

Don't ask, you'll put her in a no-win, uncomfortable situation.

I love ids at weddings, wouldn't have had ours any other way but I do feel you seem to be finding a way to justify wanting an exception even though you a had a no kids wedding by saying 'oh is this the new fad?' etc etc.

YANBU to want to take her, but YWBU to ask her.

Send a gift and a card, don't make the friendship awkward. :)

sameoldIggi · 22/06/2013 00:16

My wedding was child-free (except my own!) but one pg friend was told that of course her baby would be welcome.
Babies are just different to children. No menus, no cost, no colouring pack, no favours to give out, no seating-plan woes - what's not to like?

fortyplus · 22/06/2013 00:21

A friend of mine in this situation arranged for her parents to come away too. They stayed in a nearby hotel with bf baby and friend popped out at intervals to bf. Everyone happy if you can afford it! Smile

BackforGood · 22/06/2013 00:24

In answer to your title, yes, YABU to think that your dd "ought" to be invited anywhere.
As most of the first page of responses said, it is not unreasonable that the people who are hosting have chosen which guests they want. Equally, it is not unreasonable that you choose not to go, because you have chosen to have a child and chosen to breastfeed. Isn't it lovely everyone has these choices ? Smile
There is no standard "etiquette" about it, it's totally up to the people who are hosting who they invite.

mrsyattering · 22/06/2013 00:24

we had no children at our wedding, far to many in the family to make numbers work. So I have no problem with people not wanting kids at their wedding. We went to a friends in Ireland, when ds was 10 weeks old, I was breastfeeding, children were ok to come in the day, and my parents came for the weekend so I was able to go and feed ds during the evening (which went on till 4am!) Could you not have a relative go with you?
Otherwise I would decline

WafflyVersatile · 22/06/2013 00:26

actually what sameoldIggi says.

''would love to come but can't leave little Kaidence yet, she's still bfing'' and let them say 'aw well never mind, we'll save you some cake' or 'oh of course it's fine for her to come.

olgaga · 22/06/2013 00:39

For goodness sake don't ask her. Presumably she has no children herself yet so doesn't quite understand the difficulty. Lots of people think babies can just be dumped on a babysitter - before they have their own.

Just don't go, it's not the end of the world! Send a nice gift, wish her well, and enjoy your baby. She won't need you forever.