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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD should be invited to this wedding?

127 replies

Sarah2506 · 21/06/2013 22:34

I've been invited to a wedding when DD will be six months old. I still intend on breast feeding at that stage.

Wedding is strictly no children and would require an overnight stay.

AIBU in thinking no children probably shouldn't extend to breast feeding mothers? We had a no children wedding but made that exception though it wasn't needed in the end.

Am I totally out of date or is this cool now?

She is a good friend. Wedding is in Wales, I'm in London. I can express, yes, but I still wonder if that's an ok expectation!

OP posts:
pictish · 21/06/2013 22:59

I can't believe people are being so rude about this OP.
If you are still bfing your baby, then you cannot leave her overnight. If you were my friend, I'd be happy for you to bring your ebf baby to my child free wedding, as I'd rather have you there than not. x

Goal · 21/06/2013 22:59

Jolly happy- people can get married with no intention of having children,it's not compulsory.

reelingintheyears · 21/06/2013 23:01

Blimey,OP was only asking and she has said she doesn't want to be an exception,she was just asking about wedding etiquette,no need to be mean.
Try asking OP,if it's not ok then just say you can't make it,most reasonable people will understand.

threefeethighandrising · 21/06/2013 23:01

"I always thought babes in arms was ettiquette."

Me too.

jollyhappy · 21/06/2013 23:02

Yes I do realise that.

But it does seem pretty incredible that people won't be flexible where a mum is bfing.

If I had a friend I'd want her to come to my wedding and be comfortable and happy at my wedding.

I just wonder if people who do this have no idea about bfing??

lessonsintightropes · 21/06/2013 23:03

jollyhappy most would see it as no babies - mainly because of the problems of where to draw the line as PP have suggested; what if some are still BF at 2, etc. I genuinely don't think the bride is trying to be difficult or to upset the OP, just trying to make decisions about her wedding. You can't please everyone, and we would not have been offended in the slightest by people not coming because of childcare arrangements. One of the reasons why we gave a years' notice was specifically to give people plenty of time. Our guests with baby only RSVPed 2 weeks before the wedding which was also fine, we'd been talking to her about it and were apologetic but had to draw the line somewhere.

jollyhappy · 21/06/2013 23:04

Housemum that seems like quite an ordeal unless the hotel is near the venue.

I really do wonder if people who cause such anxiety to guests have any idea??

scottishmummy · 21/06/2013 23:04

have you called bride and directly asked,can I attend and bf?

reelingintheyears · 21/06/2013 23:07

I don't suppose anyone who hasn't had DC do understand how tying bfing,why would they?

But you can only ask,maybe they have lots of friends and family with dc and babies and don't want to say yes to some and no to others so they just said no kids at all.

jollyhappy · 21/06/2013 23:07

lesson - You see I would have thought that people would kind of realise that a 2 year old can go a long time before feeds whereas a baby or 6 month year old can not.

I suppose if someone with a young baby was going to make an effort to come to my wedding I would want them to have a fabulous time and be welcoming as I could.

pigletmania · 21/06/2013 23:07

Yanbu at all, they should allow for bf babies. However you will hav to decline if tey don't budge on it

sweetestcup · 21/06/2013 23:08

Surely if someone wants a child free wedding then having a bf baby there kind of defeats the purpose? As it happens I don't agree, I didn't mind children at our wedding but I do respect other peoples choices. Personally as I don't get out much these days I would rather not have our boys, would have a better time without them!

lessonsintightropes · 21/06/2013 23:08

jollymummy the rest of the world does continue you know... the bride will have a million and one considerations and be trying to please a lot of people with conflicting needs and wishes and preferences, and it's almost certain she is trying to bend over backwards to accommodate as much as possible, I know I was. This isn't the OP's wedding after all and she's not obligated to accept.

Itsmymove · 21/06/2013 23:09

A little different but I posted a question recently about going to a wedding and leaving my 7 month old breastfed baby (concerned as doesn't take from bottle) and I was v surprised at the replies saying that the bride should understand and I should be able to take my baby! Their wedding, their choice which I was completely happy with.

Wedding was last weekend, albeit only 45 mins drive away, I went all day and came home at 10pm and my parents gave him the individual follow on bottle which he was fine with.

My parents were considering getting a hotel nearby so I could go and feed him if required so could this be an option?

snickersnacker · 21/06/2013 23:10

I just wonder if people who do this have no idea about bfing??

jollyhappy - I think you've hit it here. The majority of brides aren't parents and it simply won't have occurred to them.

reelingintheyears · 21/06/2013 23:10

jollyhappy,they aren't causing anxiety to guests,the guest can ask if it's ok and if it really isn't then she'll tell them why and send a nice present.

No hard feelings for anyone.

mumblecrumble · 21/06/2013 23:11

Oh I do love it when mumsnet lives up to its sympathetic and supportive image.....

Have you tried calling or emailing the bride? My sister got married and said not kids and realised one of her best friends had a little baby and said she could bring her. After all, she wasn't going to need feeding, an extra chair etc.

Or, she says not and you know where you are :)

I totally sympathise. I was GUTTED when my best friend said she was getting married when DD would be 6 weeks. [pleased for her, but gutted as not able to be bridesmaid, be musician at the wedding, as she was at mine etc)

It was a no kids wedding but she said of course DD could come and it was lovely. All my friends who had dispersed could meet her, we chatted, had a great time while dd slept, fed, was cuddled by everyone. Very different from small children.

We were invited to other weddings when dd was 3 and there was no way I would 'inflict her' on htose weddings. Very formal, lots of travelling - nightmare for all involved so Grandma babysat.

Best of luck

bonkersLFDT20 · 21/06/2013 23:15

OP, you are being given quite a hard time here.

Babes in arms are often made exceptions of, not just at weddings, but at other events where generally children aren't welcome.

I hardly think the mother of BF 2 YO would feel put out to see that someone brought their small baby with them to a wedding. Would they?

Most people accept that very young babies need to be with their main carer (usually the mother), this is a social norm and I think it's quite sad that this blanket ban on children extends to tiny babies.

CloudsAndTrees · 21/06/2013 23:17

It is ok not to invite babies to weddings. Couples tend to stipulate no children knowing that it will mean that some people can't go.

It is a shame and I would have hated my wedding to be so unwelcoming, but not everyone is ok with there being small people around on their wedding day.

WafflyVersatile · 21/06/2013 23:17

''just checking, does the child-free thing include babes in arms? xx''

41notTrendy · 21/06/2013 23:18

We had no kids at our wedding but had my niece and nephew. Total double standards but there you go. And now ten years down the line with dc, I regret nothing about our day.
I'm afraid you have to accept the deal. Be gracious (as most of our guests were) or not (as a couple of our guests were) but I'm afraid if you feel you can't find a way to attend then that's it. Weddings are funny affairs with no set rules (thankfully).

Boosiehs · 21/06/2013 23:19

Blimey. The B and G don't have to allow anything!

One of the most irritating and annoying memories of my wedding was one couple's daughter who, despite being told no kids, was brought and screamed during the service.

OP. phone and ask them.

KobayashiMaru · 21/06/2013 23:19

its always been the done thing that you can invite whoever you want to your wedding. Why are you so convinced that this is some kind of new fangled fad? Hmm

meganorks · 21/06/2013 23:19

Have you tried asking? They might just not have thought about it. Not likely to know the ages and feeding habits of all babies, or feeling the need to specify on invite. I have 2 invites for weddings this year that were no kids but our c.8wk old is welcome to join us. I just checked with them. 2 year old will be having way more fun with the grandparents somewhere else!

Jan49 · 21/06/2013 23:20

I'd assume that "no children" is either because the children would add greatly to the numbers and cost of meals or because children might be noisy at the wedding. If they are only concerned about numbers then they might not mind a baby, but if they want to be sure their ceremony isn't spoilt by anyone's crying baby or child then they might not want any baby/child there. You need to ask your friend.

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