AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

I think the day to day home life and the interactions etc are education themselves for adulthood

Yes, LaQueen*, nothing like your walleting constantly emptying to make a bit of distance seem bearable.

Noddy was your jealous comment to me? I'm not sure either. I really don't know why those whom ds considered to be his friends reacted in that way.

I don't think the jealous point is anything to do with boarding, it is far more likely to be about the scholarship. That was the recognition of a particular ability and included a large financial sum. Some of ds's friends get paid for exam results, good work, practising etc so maybe the financial part is the issue Who knows. No one has said anything to my face and when I have raised it I get this face in response.

Actually there is a jealousy point. Everyone I know is envious of the fact that ds's sports kit goes into school at the beginning of term and doesn't come home until the end. In fact it stayed in for two terms and only came home at Easter. The fact that I have no sports kit to wash several times a week is great

I was a right madam before ds spoiled career girl living it up in London and I consider the whole family set up as a huge opportunity for me to get my head out of my arse and learn how to give a bit. Just the same as I think my ds has learned from us we too have learned about sacrifice and a bigger picture from him

The fact that is even said as a joke shows just how differently we look at parenting bico

I cannot imagine a life where I am not rolling my eyes at the amount of mud ds's kit manages to attract as I bung it in the machine.

Don't worry valium I still get to wash all his weekend kit but I no longer have that 'how on earth am I supposed to get the mud out of that and clean to send back into school the next day' moments.

I'd liken it to buying a washing machine but still using a laundrette instead, but I'm sure that would elicit a further comment on my parenting.

Mind you I am slightly in awe of anyone who can work full time, commute, get home to cook their dcs dinner, help them with their homework and music practice, sort out bath time, do the washing, drying and ironing of their sports kit and school clothes, have their dcs tell them all about their school day and also ensure that they tell their parents what they need to take to school the next day, give them lots of time to read stories etc and never ever have a cross word about anything ever.

Having written that down I really am completely in awe of people who do this. Or maybe you just have different sort of children to mine.

The fact that my ds was born at 32 weeks and then I had crashing PND makes me even more determined that I will hug ds every single day wether he likes it or not!

I just have to, it's a basic need like eating and drinking.

No bico I am on awe of parents who work full time too, I'm no good at ALL at working outside the home, everything just goes to pot very quickly!

I wonder how/if it affects sibling relationships when one goes to BS and the other doesn't?

I was reading somewhere that when older kids come home from University, they often struggle to fit back in...and that the sibling who lives at home can often find it hard too. Kind of like feeling 'gatecrashed' in a way.

I wonder if it's harder for the child at home to have a sibling coming/going all the time, and if they feel it 'upsets' the family dynamics or enhances it?

LaQueen I think our early parenting experiences do shape our parenting. I never had PND but I witnessed those that did and I can appreciate how hard it is to deal with it.

Because of ds's tenious grip on early life and my own personal circumstances (ds's father decided he couldn't cope) I have never ever had a moment where I doubted my feelings for ds. I have always felt very secure and certain of that love. The intensity of feeling you describe is what I had the minute ds was born. It was a gut instinct and it has never ever waivered.

bico I personally doubt many people are jealous of your son. Why would they be? I certainly would not put any value on boarding at a choir school from 8 years of age and I am sure a lot of people would be the same but that is not to take from you or your son as clearly it is valuable to you both. It is possible that 8 year olds genuinely thought he was expelled, they are known to have wild imaginations at that age.

I'm with Bico on the laundry; and holding in absolute awe any parent who manages to do all those things.

I'm afraid I'm reiterating but it is quite possible to be utterly and completely besotted with one's child and to love nothing more than to cuddle them and to share time with them and to join in with their interests and jokes and to share their joys and sorrows; and STILL honestly and rationally believe that boarding school really benefits them to an extent that the personal sacrifice of not being with them the whole time is worth it. Likewise, my son adores the time he spends with his parents but would be absolutely horrified if I suggested that he stop boarding.

I haven't said the jealousy is anything to do with boarding. I think that is an irrelevance.

I think it is about being awarded a prize. If your child comes top of their class and is given a prize there will always be others that are jealous of that. I'm guessing as neither ds nor I are like that.

worra ask me that in six months! DD1 comes home tomorrow after spending 6 nights a week away for Y7 - Y11. She and DD2 text/email/skype/snapchat etc almost every day. I suspect DD2 will resent some of my attention being soaked up by her big sis, just as she will admit that she liked having me to herself before DP came along. DD1 is off to sixth form college and hopefully making lots of friends since she has none near home - for me, that is one of the massive downsides of boarding.

I don't think it has anything to do with strength but everything to do with confidence. It is an innate knowledge of knowing what works and what doesn't. However I would never do something and assume once the decision is made that's it. Ds knows he has a choice.

postmanpatscat I hadn't considered the friendship thing

Yes, that must be tough for some kids but at least your DD has a sister.

I can't imagine how an only child would cope with coming home from BS and having no friends/siblings around them.

postmanpat what happened to her friends from primary school? Ds has local friends that he sees weekends and holidays. I assume when he goes full boarding at senior school he'll see those friends when he's home on exeats and holidays. I still had friends from primary school even though we went to different schools so whilst we wouldn't see each other every week we'd still meet up from time to time.

I can't imagine how an only child would cope with coming home from BS and having no friends/siblings around them.

I was lucky, my best friend from boarding school lived 20 minutes away...easy enough with good transport links.

I have plenty of normal, well adjusted, happy friends - and think I'm fairly normal and well adjusted too. We all came through the boarding experience unscathed. I have an excellent and close relationship with my parents and brother, and have never, ever felt that my parents loved me less or cared about me less than people who were kept at home.

I do know that my mother told me that the day she dropped me at school for the first time she drove back down the drive, parked in a layby and sobbed for a good 30 minutes, before driving to her friend's house (who had also just left her daughter, my best friend at school) and they sat there drinking whisky and being sad until the early hours! Both their husbands were away at sea for vast chunks of the year and so we were sent to school to provide some stability.

I think that if sending my 4 DCs to boarding school for secondary schooling was financially possible, I would do so IF IT WAS RIGHT FOR EACH CHILD, and only if it was for weekly boarding so that we could have them home with us at the weekends.

With four children I spend a huge amount of the week ferrying them to ballet, various sporting activities, Cubs, brownies, riding lessons, music lessons etc, that by the time they get home in the evening, we don't have a huge amount of time together anyway - and my husband is very rarely home before they are in bed anyway. Having them at school in the week, with all of those activities on site, with FAR easier access to phone calls, emails, skype than was available when I was at school (one phone call a week when I first started), would in reality mean that it wouldn't reduce my quality, enjoyable, doing fun stuff time with them - but allow them to do the individual activities each child loves without being ferried about from pillar to post whilst their siblings do stuff.....

I do think, that despite all of the protestations, that there is an element of jealousy in relation to these threads. I actually feel a bit as though we are letting the side down by NOT sending our children to private school - both DH and myself have boarding in our families for generations - we are the first ones not to send them away......but that's a WHOLE different thread .

bico,congratulations...your little boy is having the most marvellous opportunity.These do not come around every day.His birthday sounds as if it was fabulous.

Despite having 3 siblings (one of whom was at the same boarding school and in the same boarding house as me), I used to feel a bit 'school-sick' when I came home in the holidays. I was used to living with 56 other girls my own age and it seemed awfully quiet!

Given that both my prep (I was a day student) and secondary schools (mixed day/boarding) had school on Saturday mornings and matches on Saturday afternoons - and a large number of day students used to stay on for the Saturday evening film/disco/entertainment of some sort, weekends were only really one day for everyone except for exeat weekends which started Saturday lunchtime.

My prep-school had games every afternoon and we finished at 6pm. By the time my parents had driven me home, we'd had supper and done homework it was already bedtime. My father was a GP and had evening surgeries 4 nights a week so was never home before 10pm.

Having the long holidays - 4 weeks at xmas, 4 weeks at Easter, 8 weeks in the summer, plus a week's half-term every term, plus two exeats every term meant I saw an awful lot of my parents. We had a phone in the house - today there is email, Skype and mobiles which make contact even easier. My mother used to come up at least twice a term to take us out for tea or home for the odd weekend if I felt like it, so there was probably only the odd time that I didn't see my parents for more than 2 weeks despite being a full boarder.

You are at home for 146/365 full days a year as a full boarder versus 170/365 full days as a day student in a state school. That is hardly having no contact with you parents and family. How great a difference is there really between a telephone call or Skype session and the amount of time the average teenager would spend talking to their parents on an average weeknight?

I have a great relationship with my family - speak to my parents every day pretty much. My DH has a far less close relationship with his family who he lived with every day.

I'm attached to my daughter to the point that she still sleeps with us at the age of 4 and I'm honestly not looking forward to the day she moves into her own room. I've never spent a night away from her and wouldn't want to go away on holiday without her. Yet I would consider sending her to boarding school at 11 or 13 IF it is the right choice for her and for us. Not because I don't love her, but because I love her enough to put her happiness and future above my own selfish needs. I never once doubted that my parents loved me.