AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

I shortened it to cock because it made the teen in me laugh

If my son doesn't stop moaning about everything I will send him away

I've been reading this thread with interest. DS1 boarded from 8 having been awarded a scholarship. He started as a weekly boarder. After a term he rang me on one Thursday and asked if he could stay at the weekend..that then became the norm. He had a whale of a time!

He later with DS2 went to a senior boarding school. It was a disaster and with hindsight I would have withdrawn him and had him home where I would have had a better chance of dealing with his teenage issues. He derailed at 16 like a lot of teens judging by the threads on here! Was it his boarding experience? No, of course not, he was rebelling, Was made more difficult to deal with as he was away? Yes! It was.
His DB thrived and had no problems.

He is now 25 and a father himself, he says that if the prep school was still open, it closed a few years ago, he would have liked his son to go there when he was old enough but he wouldn't send him to the senior school.

Did it effect his relationship with his father and I? No, I don't believe so
His relationships? I think he would have struggled anyway, since being on here and reading more widely I am starting to think he was/is on the ASD spectrum. He has a high IQ but underachieves mainly due to poor decision making and his interpersonal skills. The prep school was very good in their dealing with him, very consistent, lots of games, routine. Which I believe is important to those on the spectrum.

Reaction from others when he went to the prep, hostility, one teacher at his state primary said to HIM 'you think you are better than everyone else do you?' When I spoke to her thinking DS was exaggerating she became defensive and said 'he's not that bright you know, only average' . it was that attitude that made us look elsewhere in the first place
Why did we look at the prep school? Poor expectations at state primary, judging by the thread in education about underachieving poor rural pupils, it is still a problem 20 years on. Poor facilities, little physical education.
Would I do it again? Prep yes, senior no.

I personally don't understand hostility to BS from people quite prepared to have their DC in wraparound child care from infancy. It smacks of hypocrisy.
As parents we do the best that we can based on our own lives/experiences/needs. We may make decisions that with hindsight we wouldn't do again but that is life.
What is right for some won't be right for others, there IS no wrong or right IMVHO.

All the parents I know who have their DC termly boarding are nice people. They love their DC. No doubt. But the are very different to me and DH and their family dynamic is very different. My main criticism is that they are often so tunnel visioned, incapable of imagining anything going wrong...always so adamant that its lovely, lovely, lovely...

And yes laqueen, I've noticed too how the parents so utterly convinced that its Just Great to not see their DC for three weeks at a time all have a partner that they see every day...

I think, contextually, the ops view point is very different from those in the uk. The Uk is very small and densly populated. Commuting is comparitively easy, as is moving house. If you can afford them, good, private, non boarding schools are fairly easy to come accross that are normally within an easily commutable distance from home.

This is not the case in most African countries, dictated if only by the size of the continent. So boarding is much more beneficial. Continuity of education and care if providing the best you can for a child and if that means personal sacrifice so be it.

Similarly boarding schools are good for those whos parents are often on the move. I.e. miliatry or such like.

Personally, in the place I am in, in the situation I am in I can see no reasonable benefit for my child being away from me. In my circumstances money would only strengthen my resolve and allow me to spend MORE time with my child.

It is also hard for me to undertand why soneone with a stable home, and money, with easy access to good day schools, would want their child anywhere but home.

La queen-I only know of one family that chose to stay put while husband served abroad. Their reason was that both the husband and his brother went to BS, the husband thrived but it absolutely broke his brother and they weren't going to take that risk with their kids.

Oh dear.

I now wish I had not started this thread as it is bringing up that trait that a lot of Mumsnetters (but happily not all) exhibit so frequently, which is to judge other people for choices they would not make.

I will leave this thread now, but I want to say thank you to the posters on both sides of the issue who managed to put their points across so passionately and intelligently without trying to make others look like an inferior breed of parent.

I learned a lot on this thread, and yes, I am still happy about putting my son in BS, just as I am grateful to the opportunities I received in BS, and just as much as I love and cherish my parents for doing what they thought was right for me.

Nah, it's been an interesting thread. Judging is not the same as being aghast at others' choices.

It's ok to disagree.

LaQueen I agree with you about the military choice but I assume they have good reasons for doing it the way they do (is there an expectation that married officers have their wives with them to attend various functions, involved in things on the base? I have no idea).

There are also people who place their partner ahead of their dcs and I don't understand those either.

In neither would I say that it is wrong but it is just very different from my experience.

Ds is home but out at an activity all afternoon and will be out all day tomorrrow bar lunch. His normal weekend at the moment although that will change next year when he will have choral duties on Sunday.

Following on from this thread we had a chat about how his first year has gone and was it what he thought it would be. When he got his letter confirming his scholarship he burst in to tears he was so happy. A year on he loves it, he is immensely proud of his role and can't wait to participate in the singing and activities that he has witnessed the full choristers do. It is always his choice. He knows I am proud of him regardless of what he does so long as he tries to be his best self. I said he is welcome to go back to his previous (day) school if that is what he wants but he is very keen to board and stay at his present school.

With regard to senior school options I am very minded of being closely involved in his schooling and won't be chooosing any school that is too far away to get to matches, concerts and see him at the weekends.

Daemon I wish you all the luck in the world for making the decision you want to make. Boarding school threads on MN always end up like this so it is nothing you have done by starting it. As in life lots of people think they know best but the world would be a duller place if we were all the same.

Daemon one can almost predict the outcome on a boarding school thread - in the same way as the SAHM v WOHM, bottle v breast feeding, state vs private education threads always unravel in the same way - I knew as soon as I posted what the responses would be and that they would annoy me, but I did it anyway .

Still if we could all respect each other's experiences and life choices without the inherent criticism of those who do things differently, then I guess AIBU wouldn't exist!

I wish you luck in your decisions and choices of schooling.

Thanks PanicMode, I have also just been reading a SAHM v WOHM thread. Shudder:)

I had decided to not answer any of the previous comments about military families and boarding or even the fact that some posters love their DCs too much to let them board as they are their own personal opinions ( which we are all entitled to hold). However, LaQueen your last comment is just plain insulting....

Why? it's a fair comment imo. The child has no choice in some cases, at least if you're an adult you can choose to leave/go with someone else.

But then what stops affairs happening when the military personnel are deployed? Or do they take their spouses with them?

From what I understand it is perfectly possible to live together and for one or both to have affairs. The relationship threads on MN are full of this.

Quite bico - another spurious argument.

I'm leaving this thread now too - to equate sending a child to boarding school with allowing them to go and "be unfaithful" is an utterly fatuous analogy and insulting. Military families DO spend a huge amount of time apart (haven't seen too many wives at Camp Bastian/at sea) and yes, many military marriages do fail due to affairs, just as many civilian marriages do.

I didn't realise that military personnel were under fire 24/7 for the 6 months they are deployed around the world. Ds's school did a school trip this week to visit a new RN ship currently undergoing sea trials. Seems pretty irresponsible of the school to allow this knowing that the pupils were at risk of being attacked

"Scotland has one of the highest levels of wage inequality among major developed countries. The median salary in Scotland is considerably lower than £28,000, while 23% of Scots are living on poverty pay of around £12,000 to £13,000 a year."

"A survey by The Herald found the cost to parents of sending their children to an independent school will rise by some 3.5% in 2012/13 ? with the highest fees topping £21,000."

I would never be in a position to afford to send my dc to boarding school, so it is not really worth my time pondering it, that is pretty much the case for everyone I have ever known - children in Scotland usually go to their local school, particularly in rural areas. The only people (2 families) I have known recently to send their children to private schools in Scotland - one was incredibly rich, the other one was a forces family. The rich people's children didn't board, they lived a few miles from the v prestigeous school, the forces family only saw their child in holiday time because of the distance.

They are children for such a short time, it is natural to me to have my children at home until they choose to leave, as it may be culturally natural to others to send children to boarding school, but surely in any country it is an option for the wealthy few - not sure of the actual percentage, but tiny.

but surely in any country it is an option for the wealthy few - not sure of the actual percentage, but tiny

Er, not in my country. There are all sorts of boarding schools. Many are run by churches and are referred to as mission schools. I went to a catholic school, the fees were extremely low, my parents had 4 kids and managed to send us all. Today, fees range from 500 pounds to 1000 pounds at the cheaper schools. The most expensive are about 2500 pounds a term. As I said, bout 60% of the kids in secondary school (from all sorts of backgrounds) are in boarding school. So not every country is the UK.