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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

306 replies

DaemonPantalaemon · 19/06/2013 10:46

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 21/06/2013 18:10

bico they almost all went to the same high school, about 1.5 miles from our old house and about 5 miles from where we are now. She kept in touch a bit via Facebook etc and I offered to drop her off to see various people but she wasn't keen to meet up with anyone and just drifted apart from them. DD2 has a bit of the same problem, most of her friends went to that high school too, but at least she is close enough to see them at weekends and school hols. In fact, at 13 she has more of a social life than I do!

ExcuseTypos · 21/06/2013 18:17

Panic- "I do think, that despite all of the protestations, that there is an element of jealousy in relation to these threads."

What a load of tosh!

I cannot understand why anyone should send their child to boarding school. There's absolutely no jealousy involved. I feel sorry for the child, as they aren't getting IMO a "proper" upbringing" ie they are separated from their parents. I also feel sorry for the parent as you aren't experiencing what I experience with my 2 DDs.

There is no jealously at all, just astonishment that anyone would think its a good thing to do to their child.

PanicMode · 21/06/2013 18:22

ExcuseTypos - thank you for insulting my parents for not bringing me up 'properly' Hmm

I have no idea how old your DCs are but if they are teenagers and at school, then I assume that a vast proportion of their days are spent separated from you?

As I also said in my post - IF I felt it was right for each of my children I would seriously consider it - I had an amazing experience and loved it. We had very long school holidays so spent considerably more holiday time with my parents/family than state educated pupils did - it probably balanced out.

LaQueen · 21/06/2013 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 21/06/2013 18:30

How great a difference is there really between a telephone call or Skype session and the amount of time the average teenager would spend talking to their parents on an average weeknight?

Really?!

ExcuseTypos · 21/06/2013 18:35

I'm sure your parents don't give a damn what I think of their parenting.

And I was only trying to explain why jealously is usually the very last thing many people feel, when they hear of a child going off to BS.

wordfactory · 21/06/2013 18:36

panic it is just absurd to say people are jealous!!!

My DC attend excellent public schools. DD boarded two nights a week last year to assist with after school activities.

There is not a cat in hell's chance that I wuld send either of my DC termly boarding if the schools in question offered it for free!

ExcuseTypos · 21/06/2013 18:38

Panic, both my DDs have now left school. One has just finished university and the other is due to start this year.

When dd1 went to uni at 18 I felt it was just the right time for her to go. I would never have considered sending her away form home at 8 or 11 or 13. She is my dd and I wish to parent her, which by my definition means living in the same house!

valiumredhead · 21/06/2013 18:39

No chance here either, not even for free.

Pyrrah · 21/06/2013 18:40

Given that I was a day student for many years, I know that after my mother had driven home, often dropping off other children on the school run (so no space for a 1-to-1 conversation) made supper while we were doing our homework (and it wasn't just 10 minutes or so but at least an hour a night) and then put 4 kids of different ages to bed including a young baby, and then prepared supper for my father coming in, there was very little time for a proper 100% dedicated conversation.

On the other hand, when I rang home from boarding school there was.

Many teenagers are doing sports or other activities in the evenings, or socialising with their friends or even just watching TV rather than sitting round the table talking to their parents.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 21/06/2013 18:44

Its an instinctive thing, the idea of sending your children away, wherher logical or not.

I went to boarding school and loved it - I had friends there, home was dull and stressful, I knew nobody local as I'd never attended lical schools and all the local kids went to the same small school, my parents worked long hours and we didn't have much in common and fought a lot. Once I finished school I managed neverto to spend more than aa week with my parents again -a couple of days are ok but afterthe that its a strain. My kids have local friends and go to local school, they seemare happy andto always havesays friends hereand or arethe with friends. I cannothave imagine choosing to sendthe them toand board away, and hope they won't prefer to live elsewhere until they are young adults.

ExcuseTypos · 21/06/2013 18:47

"Yet I would consider sending her to boarding school at 11 or 13 IF it is the right choice for her and for us. Not because I don't love her, but because I love her enough to put her happiness and future above my own selfish needs"

You've been brainwashed! Why else would you think that keeping YOUR CHILD with you, is "selfish".

PanicMode · 21/06/2013 18:54

I think that perhaps it comes down to expectations - I was told from a very young age that I would be going away to school - it was totally normal in our circle and what was expected. In fact it probably would have been thought 'selfish' to keep them at home. We were all at prep school together and all went off to our various public schools at 11 or 13 depending on gender - to my shame, I didn't know anyone at state school - either primary or secondary years until I went to university.

My experience sounds similar to Pyrrah's actually - a very happy time away at school. I think that my relationship with my parents probabaly would have suffered if I had been at home - absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.....I know that my children take me for granted FAR more than I ever took my parents for granted!

wordfactory · 21/06/2013 18:55

I know quite a few folk who send their DC termly boarding and there are often common themes.

The first is that it is just lovely, lovely, lovely. Their DC enjoy every second of every day. And if there was ever a problem (which really there couldn't be) the lovely lovely lovely house master/mistress would sort it.

The second is that parents should put their own selfish wishes to one side and do the decent thig of sending their DC away.

wordfactory · 21/06/2013 18:58

Oh and third, that there really is no point of having your DC at home because you never really get to spend proper time with them!

neunundneunzigluftballons · 21/06/2013 19:03

Genuinely, truly no jealousy here Panic.

We could afford boarding school if we wanted. But we want to actually live with our own children, and share our day to day lives with them.

^^

This

ExcuseTypos · 21/06/2013 19:06

Yes, the same here Word.

And then there's the ludicrous examples of how marvellous it all is and what opportunities they get. A neighbour once told me how her 9 year old gets hot chocolate every night, made by the lovely house masters wife. How lucky was he, she kept telling me, to be at school where they did that, she would never do that at home.

Yeah great I said, whilst trying to hide my horror at the thought of my 9 year old going to bed every night, without me to tuck her up.

wordfactory · 21/06/2013 19:08

That's the thing ballons sharing a life with someone, parenting them isn't about spending short bursts of quality time where you appreciate one another.

It's about sharing the grot. And sadness. And silence.

It's about running your DD a bubble bath when they didn't get a part in the school play. Or checking they ate properly on the morning of an exam. Or tucking them in even though they are far too old, because they have a rotton cold...

wordfactory · 21/06/2013 19:11

typos I often wonder if they don't hand out a script to parents...

valiumredhead · 21/06/2013 19:15

I still tuck my 12 year old in, although he'd kill me if I told anyoneWink

In fact that's the time when he is most likely to tell me what's going on in his world or any problems he has.

valiumredhead · 21/06/2013 19:15

Strike out failHmm

MarshaBrady · 21/06/2013 19:15

I went at 12, weekly only due to distance. Too far to take a bus.

Sibling relationships are still good as adults, same with parents but I couldn't send my dc as I know what it's like not to want to go away from home and having to go anyway.

I ended up enjoying it and had good friends but that initial home sickness was bad.

wordfactory · 21/06/2013 19:19

I had a boarding parent tell me I worry too much about my DC. She was far more relaxed...

Well frankly worrying is part of a parent's remit. It's a natural reaction to keeping our DC out of harm's way. We worry. We check. We act.

If we don't do that, then what's the point of us?

LaQueen · 21/06/2013 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wordfactory · 21/06/2013 19:31

Ah well laqueen apparently parenting is somehting better done remotely Wink...

See the thing is, if you have to do it, then I won't judge you. But please don't tell me it's better for DC...

Oh and I've thought of number four on The Script. Boarding makes children independent. No shit, Sherlock. But here's the thing, DC are not designed to be independent of us. Not yet...