AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

My DH boarded from 7, and IMO it shows (though obviously I love the socks off him anyway School was old fashioned, wool socks and shorts, home at holidays only....within walking distance of home. Mil is proud of herself for "breaking the rules" and occasionally calling him to the railings for a couple of minutes chat.

He enjoyed his 13-18 years massively, but rarely discusses the earlier years, stating only that he was fine and enjoyed himself. I don't believe him. He knows that I am mildly horrified at the thought of boarding, having no family experience, and I reckon doesn't want to give me reason to feel sorry for him or to think ill of his parents, who are lovely and we both adore.

I have tried to get over my immediate response of horror, and know that it is fear of the unknown on my part, and that most parents (DH's included) are doing what they believe to be best for their children. Although, I will never quite inderstand how pil could send their quiet, much longed for just seven year old only child to board at school for entire terms at a time (or at all), especially as there was no compelling reason to, but I accept this is my failing. I get on with them very well indeed and love them dearly, but thinking about this my heart breaks at the thought of my little 'DH' maintaining his little stiff upper lip as his mother walks away to his family home a mile away, and it demonstrates a fundemental difference in thinking between us.

"Fair enough but it is similar to those parents who accompany their dcs on school trips and stay in the same hotels all because they can't bear the thought of their children actually enjoying time away from them (I have friends and relatives who have done this and think it is normal)."

Now that is just silly.

But, I don't care if the boarding school is an enchanting mix of Disney/Hogwarts/Nirvana, and the children are taught by veritable angels...I still wouldn't, and couldn't, live apart from my DDs on an on-going monthly basis, year after year. No. Just no.

^ This.

I mouthed 'happy birthday' in chapel as I didn't think the Dean would appreciate me running down and giving him a kiss and a hug in the middle of the service. He (ds, not the Dean although he's very nice) got a hug/kiss etc after the service, had dinner and cake at school and came home.

Yesterday he had breakfast at school, the choir sang happy birthday to him during choir practice. He then went to lessons, his classmates sung happy birthday to him in class. He was summoned to see the head to meet a senior school registrar and discuss senior school options and then after Evensong he had dinner and the boarders sung happy birthday to him. He came home had his presents, more birthday cake and more renditions of happy birthday. Ds has always been very sociable so for him, at least, yesterday was a lovely day.

Maybe your dd's school is easier on allowing her to miss school on her birthday but it isn't something ds's school would allow.

I also know more about ds's school day than I ever did when he was home every day. Some children will talk about every minute of their day but ds has never been like that. I only found out about the registrar meeting this morning on the way to school when ds started explaining to me the rules of a sport perculiar to that school which the registrar had explained to him in their meeting.

I don't think you're helping, bico. He discussed senior school options without you at the age of 9? And you didn't even know that was going to happen or understand the process?

Incidentally. I find it fascinating how often people attribute other people's behaviour to jealousy. With reference to the expulsion story. I would think this means the child concerned's departure wasn't managed very well by anyone. I would have expected his friends to say "Oh, don't be stupid, JuniorBico's gone to be a chorister- he wasn't expelled!"

LaQueen it is quite hard to debate with someone who has only experienced one way of living with their dcs (ie dcs at home every night). I appreciate you cannot truly understand what life would be like to be the parent of a boarding child unless you actually have done that.

It is a bit like saying that you'd like to live in New York. You may know lots about the place but until you actually go and live there you won't know what it is like to live there.

If I thought that ds's boarding school was anything like Hogwarts I'd remove him tomorrow. Funnily enough one of the offers he had was from a school which was used in all of those films. Ds had never seen HP so very underwhelmed at the sight of the Great Hall

My dd is 7yo and has her first residential school trip which will be for 2 nights in October and I am already dreading it. I know she will love it and be with her friends but I will miss her so much.

How anyone could send their child off for several weeks/months is beyond my comprehension tbh.

They aren't children for long as it is, why would you want to miss large chunks of it?

He discussed senior school options without you at the age of 9?

This isn't uncommon, even in a day school environment. When I was at school (and at 9 I wasn't boarding) we discussed senior school options with our mentor and the adviser without our parents. This meant that our thoughts were heard and we had information about different types of schools, it also ensured that were were part of the process. The same thing happens at the school my DC go to, I think it's a good thing (especially for those who are gifted/have SEN and as such may require special support) as long as the talk is pitched at the right level for the student.

There isn't enough time in the universe to directly experience everything before making a judgement about it. I accept the limits of my experience when it comes to boarding school, but there is nothing I know about it that would compell me to directly experience it, thus increasing my knowledge of it.

Everyone makes these judgements on a daily basis.

Sorry, x-posts, that was in response to Bico's New York comment.

LaQueen your children are quite little still. When they are older teenagers, that physical need to be with them does die down. I think it is nature's way of gently preparing parents to let them go. Now mine are 14 and 16 I don't feel the same need to have me round them all the time as I did when they were younger, especially not the 16-year-old. I love and cherish him dearly, mind.

curlew the dcs spreading the rumours (and their parents) knew direct from ds and me why ds was leaving. I'm guessing that the reason for spreading nasty rumours was jealousy but maybe there is another explanation, I just can't think what it could be.

Maybe discussing senior school options wasn't the best way of putting it. Better would have been to say that the registrar was talking to ds about that particular school (which we have already visited). I assume either met him because the registrar asked to meet him or because the school thought it would be good for ds to meet him. Either way I don't have a problem. His school know what we are considering for senior school options and this school fits within that remit.

My nephew goes to a very good one in the uk. His parents sent him as he is dyslexic and struggles with the language in the country they live in (they lived in America for a long time so he wasnt bought up there). He gets on ok but sees his parents only in the hols. My mil has to have him on his one weekend off per month which she enjoys but is a hard journey for her. She says he feels sad to go back to school everytime but seems resigned to it. He sais to her "I have an ache in my heart when I think about going back" :( He is 12 and started when he was 11. I just dont agree with them. I think kids need to be with their parents but I suppose I am being judgemental. I just think they are what the parents need not the kids.

Oh and his two sisters are still home with their parents which must make it hard. They are 9 and 7 but dont struggle with the language.

Ah the jealous argument How can that be rolled out for this ? To me it is just odd to say your life of opportunity comes from not having your child at home. My dp and his siblings hated every minute. My closest friend had 4 at boarding and it shows in how they interact now as late teens/adults. The connection is very weak

It won't Laq

I never agree with LaQueen more than on bs threads. I work FT and for the last couple of years have been away from my children overnight one night a week. It was worth it for my own sanity as I love my job and my previous one was driving me towards a breakdown. I also am happy to ship them off to grandparents fairly regularly. They are away this weekend, camping with DH, today I am enjoying my utter freedom, tomorrow I will still be feeling free and missing them a bit, by Sunday morning I will be tracking their journey home desperate to just see and touch them again.
One night a week away from them is worse for them than it is for me :( as I can count down the hours. I also don't mind them being at GPs, where they are loved and cherished. But the thought of them being away and looked after by teachers makes me sad. I don't care how good the 'pastoral care' is, it cannot take the place of parents' love. And as others have said, the day to day tiny aspects of family life that you can only be part of if you are there.