AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

I think these threads get very difficult when people get so emotive, irony, which is a real shame, as it just gets in the way of understanding more.

I still believe some children age 11+ are ready for the kind of independence and that boarding school Monday-Friday has some real merits. If I had the money to do it, and the school was impressive in terms of sport, religion, fun activities and discipline (no constant playstations and internet access, etc) and so on, I would definitely consider it.

I also would like to point out that my objection to boarding school for my family has not one shred of jealousy in it. Ditto my objection to private school. Could not be further from the truth.

I went to boarding school and loved it. I have lots of friends who boarded and feel the same.

Valium that is the same with my 9 year old.
we have 10 minutes of me rubbing his back (at his request) before he goes to sleep.
this is the time in the day when he tells me that someone has said something he doesn't understand, or that he really wants to stop doing football because....

Having been at boarding school from the age of 7 I know how important it is from the point of view of a CHILD to not upset your loving caring parent too much by telling them something sad over the phone. especially as you are not going to be able to chat for hours about it. (even WITH mordern communication)

""My experience sounds similar to Pyrrah's actually - a very happy time away at school. I think that my relationship with my parents probabaly would have suffered if I had been at home - absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.....I know that my children take me for granted FAR more than I ever took my parents for granted!"

But children are supposed to take their parents for granted!

And I do find it interesting that both on here and in RL boarding parents spend sooo much time telling you how wonderful, fantastic, super it all is, what fun, now happy the children are- itms almost as if they can't bear to let a chink of doubt in. I still remember asking how q friend's child was- and she said "he's a bit mis, actually" but before could ask any more, launched into the whole spiel about how wonderful it was and how much he loved it really and he's soon settle down. But just for a moment, there was a chink. The only one I have ever seen......

I am very close to my sister, she moved to the other side of the world 10 years ago. We Skype every week which tbh is shit, it's a poor substitute for having a face to face chat. It's almost worse than not doing it all. We both feel the same. She's there but not really there. Can't imagine ever wanting that with my child.

People have a strong reaction because it's natural to send your dc to live elsewhere.

If you don't want to parent your own child (or even live in the same town for most of the year) then don't have a child. Sponsor a puppy. You'd (IMO) have the same level of relationship with them.

Jealous??? - my heart aches for the parents and children that are parted in order to attend the best schools (I suspect we are using a different benchmark to define best) and worse to stop children becoming too reliant (and similar)

But apparently this makes me 'selfish'?? And deprives them of the 'independence' they need.

Am I being emotive now? I can't think of anything more emotive than sending your children away where someone lovely does all the lovely things with them.

I've followed this thread with interest (posted a few pages back).

But you know what? I remember being 10 yrs old, understanding why I had to go to BS (Dad's job) and howling myself to sleep for the first few weeks. Yes, I got used to it. But then 5 years later they moved overseas (a long way away) and although I was then in O level year it was like being left again. I have to emphasise, I had a good relationship with both my parents (dad now dead), but I didnt LIVE with them since I was 10.

no way would I do that to my children.

Children are extremely savvy, IME. If they twig (and they will) that their parents want them to go to boarding school, and stay at boarding school...then, most children will try and please their parents.

Neither of my parents hid their views; I knew my father didn't want to send be away to school, I also knew my mother wanted me gone (and why).

They will say, and do all the right things. The things they know are expected from them.

Not necessarily.

And, really, it's not like if the child was honest about how unhappy they were, their parents would immediately down tools, alter their lives and welcome their child home with open arms, is it?

Had I really hated it, my father would have over ruled my mother and brought me home. I loved the school and it didn't take a genius to work out that I would received better emotional support there than I would from my mother, we all knew the score. It's probably different for those with a parent in the armed services, they were normally the ones who seemed to have a harder time adjusting to life at school - especially when holidays coincided with deployment.

Yanbu it is your opinion and you are definitley entitled to it, they are your kids at the end of the day and you have to decide what is best for them. My problem with the concept is very much a class thing, in Britain it tends to be only a certain class of people which can afford to go there so the kids do not get as much experience and integration with people from all back grounds. It is not a very good represntation of what general life is like so they may struggle when flung into the great wide world of university or life. Independent schools (whilst following some guidelines) have a lot more carte blanche to deviate, i dont think the teaching is always a hundred per cent better. The better results are more likely to bee the result of small class sizes and pushy parents. Basically i always saw it as paying to suit the parents work schedule and ensure they mix with a certain type of person. Obviously this is just my opinion so its probably coloured by my own life experiences and not necessairly the best answer.

Each to their own I say. I dont see an issue with people sending kids to BS as I just don't care. Its not my choice but why should I care about others?

My dad went to BS in Ireland. He said he wouldn't send a dog there. He is 40 and has the reading and writing age of a 5/6 year old because they called him thick and useless. They decided dyslexia wasn't a real thing so he got no help.

My nanna and grandad didn't have a lot of money and it was apparently cheaper to let him board.

Personally I wouldn't send my son to BS even if I could afford it or even private schools. I'm happy with using public schools.

I dont judge other that do it differently though. Why would I care?

Normally, I don't care either SP, it's not something I spend days of my life agonising over, like so many other non-malicious parenting choices which differ from my own. But when forced to really think about it, you either put yourself in the place of the child being left, or of the parent leaving your child and it becomes quite an emotive thing.

As I said several pages back, my DH boarded from age 7, (starting with termly boarding, no contact until Christmas), and it upsets me to think about how it must've been because DH is a real person, not a hypothetical child to me. His mother was apparently heartbroken, but his parents boarded him a single mile away from his house by choice, because they believed it was 'best'. They are lovely and we get on brilliantly, but this alone tells me we have very different feelings towards parenting and life in general.

How can you look at your six year old and comtemplate sending them for someone else to tuck in at night? I've judged there to be a fundemental difference between us, but not harshly judged them as terrible people.

I dont judge my nanna and grandad for sending my dad. They did what they had to. They had to do what was cheaper. Had they had more money would they have still sent him? No idea but they never once suggested BS for any of their grandchild

I just cant care what others decide to do or judge how they parent based on it. People probably judge us who send children to state schools. I know my uncle does as he sends his brat child to private school but they also have a nanny at home though my aunt doesn't work which isn't what I would do as I think its a waste of money but each to their own.

I am very big on my son's education and have been since he was small but I think sending a child away for the sole purpose of educating them is giving exams and schooling too high a place in their lives.It makes it everything as they have to sacrifice so much just to get those certs. I see no difference though aged 47 with the lives and careers of those who went tbh. It is placing it about family life in importance. Without exception all the friends I have who boarded hated it initially but as laqueen says time can break even the strongest bond and it does.

You're right, of course. An each to their own attitude is by far the best one to adopt, life's too short to obsess about what other people do! And I do have that attitude really.

This thread has just given pause for thought, and I suppose it's the choice element that gets me. I wouldn't judge your GP for the choice they made, which sounds like it had good reason for them behind it. I don't judge my pil as bad people, just different from me, because they sent DH at great expense (they weren't/aren't rich) without a compelling reason, just because they wanted to. I can't get my head round that, but I'm sure that is my failing.

Also, being a sensitive soul, particularly as a child, and having a happy home life, I couldn't imagine anything worse for myself, so that probably increases the emotion of it when I think about DH.

There was no way my parents would have done it if we lived close enough to the school. Fees for four children were huge. I'm sure they would have preferred an easier life with a day school.

It has made me think against about moving to remote locations where it becomes a decision that has to be made.

Cock Some people just decide to. I personally dont see an issue with people making that choice just because I wouldn't send my son.

I'm too busy worrying about my own choices to care about others

I agree SP, and any/all overthinking on my part is specific to my DH/pil and a failing on my part.

I have to admit, I'm trying to be sensible and thoughtful here, but am actually thinking of a new username, because being called cock in all seriousness is making me snigger. I do like this name though, how about doodle for a shortening instead!?