AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

Op, I think yabu to not understand the perfectly natural preference for some parents (I should think the majority in this country) to want to spend time with their children every day. How can that be an alien concept to you?

I also don't really buy that there is a world of difference between sending a 7 year old and a 12 year old away either, tbh. My dd is 12, hormonal, very needy (at times), desperate for a cuddle (occasionally) whilst all the while gradually becoming more independent. No way can I even conceive of the idea of only seeing her once a week at most.

*'Typically they formed very close attachments to older children, further up the school.

^^ This is so sad.Trying to form a parent-child bond with an older child who obviously can't give what a parent can.

I just can't in my head see school as anything other than school.

No matter how lovely it's still school and whilst it is a necessity to be at school for much of you childhood I think significant time away from it is equally important. Just to be yourself, to recharge and to be with family.

But, my DDs deserve to spend their days, with people who utterly love them, and adore them (that would be me, and DH).

My son deserved that too - unfortunately he had SN and no local school would cater for him. It was boarding school or nothing.

Only seeing your child once a week, or once a month, reduces you to just being a visitor in your child's life.

Some of us don't have any choice in the matter!

It's interesting that it polarises people so much, and I would be interested to know how many people on the pro side boarded themselves?

DH and I both boarded, I wasnt UNhappy and in fact there was lots of it I enjoyed. He was very unhappy. DB was also very unhappy.

I think the difference is that my parents had an 'excuse' - dad in the Navy, postings every two years, and rightly or wrongly my parents made the decision that mum would travel with dad. I went to about 5 different primaries, so BS represented security in school terms at least. PIL however just sent him because they didnt like the local school alternatives for boys. His sister stayed at home for secondary.

I could not and would not send my DC. my relationship with my parents was very good, but effectively I did not live at home after I was 10. for DH, the fact that his sister was part of the 'normal' family life at home was, I think, incredibly damaging to their family relationships, and it is becoming even more noticeable at this much later stage of life.

for me, being a parent is about the good, the bad, the mundane, the exciting, the dramas and the laughs, just 'being' together.

My visceral response to boarding school is softening.

My children will not go
however I now have more knowledge about modern boarding that balances my personal experience which was very much the sort of thing you read about in scarey novels
"driven to the north yorkshire moor's aged 7 cold windy dark convent, dropped off in September to go home again at Christmas"

I remember being cold and hungry alot. I remember having to be in isolation each time I got a coldsore. I remember staying at school over the exeat weekends and half term because Mum and Dad were busy.

Not great memories, not something I would want for my children.

for me it is not a class thing.. We are just about to send our boys to private school there are children who board there and I know the facilities they have there far exceed anything I could have dreamt of. They have access to phone and internet communication with their families - where as we were given post once a week (if mum had remembered to send a letter)
and we had to write home once a week and the letters were vetted by the nuns, sometimes asking us to write more positive things so we don't upset our parents.

Anyway.. not sure this ramble is useful to your discussion.

I suppose I just don't view school as the single most important thing in my dc's life. It's plays a mere part only, despite the school seeming to want to micro-manage them and me where they can, I resist.

I like to have them back after they've been there and to close the door on it. And I think they feel that way too. So no, I wouldn't by choice send them to BS for all the reasons so well expressed by LaQ, because I want the emphasis of their lives to be family and not 350 strangers and teachers.

I think it has had an effect on dh. He can be very contained, self sufficient and hard to 'give' to. He doesn't seem to crave much of a relationship with his parents. Mil is always trying to (belatedly I feel) mother him. Maybe she feels she's trying to make up for something, but he's just or irritated by it and pushes her away.

I can quite see why boarding school works for some families. The alternative would be worse. So fair dos.

But I can't for the life of me see the justification of inflexibility.

Why would a school insist that a child termly board? Surely that's somehting they should offer?

When we were looking for a school for DS we went to see a number of termly boarding schools and it seemed pure daft to me. They said, ah well we offer a dfifferent type of education, so we can't be flexible. I just did not buy that!!! Lots of schools manage to be flexible.

Home is home and school is school and work is work. I think making school home as well is unbelievably cruel. Would you like to finish work at 5 and then sleep there and eat etc with the same people without ever having that down time of your true family? Obviously there are some circumstances where there is no choice. But I know several people where their kids are away and they don't even work (not that work is a barrier). I think the unconditional love and attention of home is vital

wordfactory- I suppose because a) it is a bit grim for those on termly boarding if nearly everyone else disappears at teh weekend and (2) weekly boarders are taking up a place that termly boarders could take and therefore loss of revenue

xylem lots of schools make it work, because you make sure you get a mix.

I don't have a problem with boarding, if it's what the child needs/wants and best for the family. Some children really seem to thrive in that environment. And if a family are moving around very frequently, I'm sure boarding school provides much more stability and security than constantly changing schools and friends.

However, I want to take issue with what Dave and one or two others who are mentionning attachment issues are saying. As the mother of children who do have attachment issues and all the problems that come with that, I think people are seriously overestimating what causes attachment problems -or just don't know a lot about them full stop. Attachment problems are things which develop in the first five years of life, following a baby/toddlers life needs not being met ie. lack of food, neglect, physical/sexual abuse, no one ever responds when they cry etc. That causes attachment issues. Attachment disorder is listed (officially) as a disorder which onsets before the age of 5.

A child aged 8-17 who has lived in a secure, nurturing home for all their lives will not develop attachment issues at boarding school, they already have secure attachments which they have developed from birth. I'm not saying they can't get other problems like depression etc, but attachment is a different kettle of fish

I boarded. It was the best thing for me as my parents were not at all attentive. The school staff were excellent, two in particular I credit with me making a success of my life, my parents would never have been able to do it.

Those criticising boarding schools are missing the point - you may be a great parent, which is ideal and there's no point in sending your child to boarding school. But if a parent is quite rubbish, it's far better for the child to be nurtured and cared for at a boarding school than to be at home with the parents.

CarpeV online independent?? I'm intrigued. Please explain. (Sounds amazing.)

For us that is exactly what it has been. And I say this in the slightly stressy run up to end of year exams.

This is the one my son goes to, Interhigh.co.uk but there are others, a good handful at this point. At least one does primary, Briteschool I think it's called.

I was up shitcreek withput a paddle, the local schools were not good, normal private fees (and massive commute) were beyond us, boarding school I have my own personal issues with, homeschooling was not my cup of tea for the longer term...I like the fact I can live where we want to live (rural corner of Italy) and still get a solid British education. Has been transformative from our perspective. God I love technology andnthe internet. Take that limitations of geographical location! "SPLAT!"

wordfactory as an overseas parent we wanted boarding school that had full boarding and Saturday school. We wanted our DCs to be busy at the weekends with their friends and not be left at school when all the weekly boarders went home.

For those who are not knowledgable about termly/full boarding can I just mention that even this doesn't mean that the DCs are dropped off at the beginning of term and collected at the end of term. A school's definition can vary quite drastically. One school I know asks DCs to be in first and last weekend and the rest they can go home. Another school has one fixed exeat where the school shuts on a Friday and then reopens Sunday night. At this school DCs can go home 3 weekends a term after sport on Saturday afternoons. So it really does vary.

Only seeing your child once a week, or once a month, reduces you to just being a visitor in your child's life.

Complete and utter bollocks. This ridiculous statement implies that you have no contact with your children at all when they are at boarding school and only speak to them when they are at home.

Whether I see ds every day or once a week I am still his parent. I still know everything he does, what he thinks about everything, the things that have made him happy, the things that have made him sad. The same as any other parent. To say that if you have a child who boards you can only be a visitor in their life is really quite a bizarre thing to say.

Having said that I suppose in return I should feel sorry for those parents who cannot bear to be apart from their dcs at all, ever. There will come a time when those children grow up and leave home. That will leave those poor parents bereft. Those of us who are visitors in our dcs lives ensure that our children grow up loved and secure and safe in the knowledge that they are free to make their way in the world without worrying about how their parents will cope without them living at home.

But LaQueen can you see how insulting your comments are?

I share my life on a daily basis with ds wherever I am in the world. Just because I don't see him at home every day doesn't mean I don't share every aspect of his daily life. I know more about what he thinks and feels and what he does than when he was a day pupil. We have proper time to talk rather than the usual tea, homework, bath, story and bed routine.

I don't care where people send their children to school but i do think it is seen as a class decision to send ones child offto boarding school and then people start throwing insults at parents saying you dont love your children your children will be lonely do you think you are to good look after your own it is all Blah and snootiery (not a word),

But it isn't bollocks is it bico?

Those of us on this thread who would not send our children to boarding school through choice are saying that not seeing and being with our children every day is not enough for us.