AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

What LaQueen said.

I don't think you can be as close My dp hated it so much he said him and several other boys cried and begged on the phone to go home daily. My closest friend says she has no real connection to her mum

Only seeing your child once a week, or once a month, reduces you to just being a visitor in your child's life.

I totally agree with this ^^

I know how my niece is feeling, what she's been up to and what's going on in her personal life...but that's just because we email each other/telephone a lot.

However, I'm still very much a visitor in her life because our physical contact/face to face chats are fairly few and far between.

Agree with that worra Why is an opinion like LaQ's always seen as offensive on these threads. I have yet to meet an adult who has been to boarding school who didn't wish he was at home. They don't all say they were miserable and indeed some say it was fun but if given a choice home would have won.

I'm pro boarding and was a boarder myself. My boatding friends' whose families are functional, are very close to their parents 20 odd years later. I'm not so close to my parents, but that's because they are both fairly fucked up individuals.

"
I share my life on a daily basis with ds wherever I am in the world. Just because I don't see him at home every day doesn't mean I don't share every aspect of his daily life. I know more about what he thinks and feels and what he does than when he was a day pupil. We have proper time to talk rather than the usual tea, homework, bath, story and bed routine."

You know what he chooses/remembers to tell you about what he thinks and feels. What he feels like telling you about what he thinks and feels at the time of the phone call. Which may be everything. Or which may be nothing.

Minty said Op, I think yabu to not understand the perfectly natural preference for some parents (I should think the majority in this country) to want to spend time with their children every day. How can that be an alien concept to you?

Of course I understand it, it is not an alien concept at all! I just don't understand why people get so agitated about parents who do send their children to BS. Just see this thread for examples! That is the issue here really, why there is such judgement towards parents who choose differently.

And Minty, my OP very clearly says:

I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

I think communicating with a child via words on a screen is very cold if it is the majority of the contact day to day.

There is a strange assumption on this thread that those of us who do send our children to boarding school don't want to be with them. I miss my son more than I can put into words. I would love to have him with me the whole time. But it isn't about what I want. For a variety of reasons boarding school was a good option for my son, both academically and socially (and, no, I don't mean that in a class sense) and he really loves it. He is home effectively for six months of the year and the rest of the time we see him about 2 out of 3 Sundays. I think we have a stronger and warmer relationship than we would if he were home the whole time.

Again I agree with Laqueen.

interested to know which african country it is where most children go to boarding school, op
why do they go? distance? culture?

the history of boarding schools in africa is pretty grim too - cheaper to convert than to kill the 'natives'

I would also be interested to find out more re. Africa and boarding schools. I assume education and the military are also very specific ways out of poverty?

I only wanted to add a couple of things. I also saw the programme with the 8 year olds at Boarding School, and if my memory serves me right, I thought it was impossibly sad to watch. It would be natural to shed a few tears when your parents leave, but most of them were distressed much longer than that. Someone posted earlier they do "adjust", and maybe young children do, but as human being we will all adjust to anything, however awful. Thats not a recommendation.

That said, for older children, I think it has possibilities to work just fine. I thought of a couple of examples :

• medieval wealthy families in the 14th century sent their sons to friend's families to be their servants and effectively work and train there, to be knights and so forth. I can't remember the age, 10, 11, 12, 13 at which they were sent away?

• I think William Shakespeare (son of a glove maker) also had a serious education, including long hours latin and greek (not sure if he was a boarder though).

*Buddhist monks often start their training at a young age - to have the full influence of their teachers rather than their parents.

So, I get the sense that if you want to get any special training in life - or advance oneself- leaving home early is one of the top ways. But, of course, not the only one, and maybe not always the best one, it just depends on so many things. I'm amazed no-one has written a book on this subject (though I have read some negative things in biographies).

Sorry, this was long!

And why such a visceral response? Probably, as others have said -

• class issues
• issues of child abandonment

Is there an approximate age that children reach at which those who cannot entertain the thought of boarding their children might feel differently or less critical of the choice?

Arealdame children were sent away much earlier than that, from the age of 5 iirc. They were sent to homes of power and influence in the hope that they'd in turn increase their own family's influence. Sort of networking for tiny medieval people.

Girls married around 12, basically as soon as they reached puberty.

Princes and Princesses were sent away to form their own courts from the age of 3 or so. And if children weren't sent away they were kept in the country seat while the parents went to court.

None of this sounds like much fun to me

I just conclude that they can't feel about their DCs, the way I feel about mine.

In this ^^ we completely agree. Today is ds's 9th birthday. 9 years ago today I watched him lying in an incubator in NICU having been born 7 weeks early. The doctors told me he was struggling to breathe along with a whole host of other problems. A roller coaster of a week later I was told he was unlikely to make it through the night. 4.5 years later he had overcome most of his issues and was developing as a normal child thanks to amazing NHS care.

Today I sat in Evensong, mouthed 'happy birthday' to ds and was given the most fabulous smile in return. After Evensong I gave him a massive hug and a kiss and walked back down the steps from Chapel to school. He had the choice of having dinner at home or school. He chose school. Cook made him a fabulous chocolate birthday cake that all the boarders shared after singing happy birthday. I then brought him home for the evening so he could see his grandma.

He has just gone to bed (2 hours later than usual) and I can hear him singing part of the Anthem he sung at Evensong. Ethereal music that gives me goosebumps and I am awestruck by the music he makes. Daily he creates history and he is hugely proud of what he does.

LaQueen there is no way that you could ever understand what I feel for my son, in the same way I will never understand your feeling for your children. Our lives and experiences are different, however your posts give the impression, at least to me, that because I do not see my child every day I cannot possibly love him as much as you love yours. Maybe you would like to reconsider?

So if your dcs said they wanted to do something they loved and begged you to allow them to do it, you would say no? Or would you say that it is a huge step, a huge commitment, try it for a while and see what you think?

I would never narrow my dcs opportunities for my own selfish reasons.

I would find a way of allowing them to do it which would not involve a 9 year old preferring to be at school to being at home. Nothing will convince me that it's better for "Cook" to make my 9 year old's birthday cake than for his mum, dad or grandma to make it.

And the thought of a house parent, however loving and wonderful being my child's confidante is heartbreaking.