AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

justfornowitwilldo has it spot on, as does crowler

I just had to reply to this thread! I also saw the other BS discussion, and was horrified at some people's very negative attitudes to this whole idea. My DD is a day pupil at a BS, and although she is only 9 she has literally begged me to allow her to board! Sadly we don't have the money, but she just loves the time she spends there. There are other children in her class that board, and I sometimes let her flexi-board so she can have a sleepover. She likes to try and wangle a Thursday night, because after prep, they have a film night. They all get dressed up in their onesies and watch a film, whilst drinking hot chocolate and eating popcorn.

All the young children are in one house together, with really lovely house parents. They get fantastic after school activities, plus they do all of their homework during the week, so when they go home at the weekend, they can just relax in the company of their family, with no nagging about spelling tests ( and quite frankly, I would board my children just so I could avoid homework arguments!)

I am sure there are some bad BS out there, just as there is variation in everything, but if you find the right school for your child, they will just blossom. BS isn't for everyone, but parents that make that choice do LOVE their children too!

I think the big probem is that they are very swayed by material things. They sent him to Harrow and I think a lot of it was being able to say "Our son is at Harrow, dontcha know?" My uncle said it would open doors to him and give him opportunities that would set him up for life. (Interestingly, at age 13, my cousin interpreted this as them thinking he wouldn't be able to do much in life if he didn't meet the right people because he wasn't much good - I made sure to tell them that telling him that it would be good for his future to meet the right people was damaging his self-esteem.) Which in some ways it did - the out of school trips were unbelievable, for example. And he did get better A'Level results than I thought he would - he's not stupid but I never thought he'd stack up a bunch of As. As I said, in other ways, it let him down big time.
Thye thought he'd enjoy the sport, as he was sporty. Trouble was, where he'd been outstanding at his very small prep school, suddenly, he was average. So far from enjoying the sport, he stopped doing it as he got completely discouraged. They didn't get this, and still thought of him as the very sporty 10 year old that they'd ferried round to rugby and football and swimming.... they weren't ther to see he wasn't doing any of it and didn't really want to know when I told them - I think they didn't really like being told that I knew more than them what was happening. They laughed it off as him 'being a teenager'.

Still, he's out the other side and is still a bloody good kid. It hasn't changed his character particularly although he did go a bit 'smug posh git' for a while, a bit entitled - I told him what i thought of that attitude (as did quite a few other family members) and he's come out the other side of that phase. I would no way do this to my own children though.

I think though, only that many parents want to have a hand in that blossoming process, do you see what I mean? It just feels like outsourcing your parenting.

Of course they do, but for many parents the reality of the working week is that the children don't get a lot of parental time! The reason my children are day pupils at this school is that both my DH and myself work from 0800 to around 1730 everyday. We moved for my work (Armed Forces) so we have no family in the area, no support network of friend (although now we have lived here a few years that has got better) so once the DDs went to school, we had to find decent childcare. We live in the back of beyond, so no child minders or alternatives, so we looked for a school that could fill that gap.
They have a longer school day than state schools - 0830-1615, then after school clubs. Then the get the school bus home and I pick them up at 1745. So after tea and homework it is bedtime. Not much time to 'bond' is there! We spend the weekend as a family, so if they were to board life would be so very different!

BS parents aren't 'bad' or ' unfeeling' they just have a different set up to you! I don't judge other's right to send their children to the local primary and work part time so their hours fit. It just isn't always possible!

TBH I think the hours you describe aren't much different than many families in the state sector, most working parents I know have their children in school plus childminder for those hours (and that's only because there's no after school club in our small school, in my last school there was a very good asc so most people used that).

I also didn't say BS parents were 'bad' or 'unfeeling' if that part of your post was directed to me.

FYI the Independent Schools' Census shows that in the younger age groups there were in Jan 2013.
To give the complete picture there appeared to be 2 x four year olds and 3x five year olds and 5 x 6 year olds. IME these DCs will have been boarding for very unusual reasons and can't in any way be described as the norm. In the one case I knew of where this happened the DC lived with the housemaster and his family.

Age 7 - 123 boarders
Age 8 - 611
Age 9 - 952

These numbers don't distinguish between flexi/weekly and full boarders. So the numbers that board or as some people have described as " sent away" for the whole term is even lower.

Sorry paragraph 2 should be after the data!!

No Wilson not directed at you!

We just couldn't find much other alternative! We even tried a nanny, but just didn't work out!

Just that we don't really have any quality time with the kids during the working week, so although they are day pupils, if they boarded, their routine would probably improve and we would have more fun at weekends!

It is just from my Armed Forces background I have seen boarding school really work, and my own experience of the BS the girls are at would make me seriously consider it, if only we had the money.

I don't think the average boarding school parent has chosen boarding because of their work schedule. Just my own unsupported hunch. But this is a very good reason to board, I agree- weekdays devoted to school/work and weekends devoted to family.

I think they've changed massively since the "olden days"

My father was at boarding school and that's what they used to say to him!

There was a programme a few years back about 8 yr old starting boarding school.Without exception the kids featured hated it and were crying for their mums.Eventually they became resigned to it though.Vey sad viewing

Interesting thread..

I think criticising the parenting choices of others is a national UK pass-time!

From the minute a baby is born, lots of people (including strangers) take an interest in how you feed them, choice of name, how you dress them, if they sleep in your bed, if they have a dummy, if you return to work or not, etc. etc. and feel obliged to pass judgement (often, any choice that differs from theirs = wrong )

Not sure if this is the same internationally?!

I don't have any strong opinions re: boarding schools.. mine didn't go, some of their friends did, no problems...

And I question the "we have more fun at the weekends because we don't have to worry about things like homework" really works either. Family life isn't just about the fun stuff- it's about the mundane, the boring and the sad as well.

xylem I saw that programme too. The DCs in IMO were not resigned to it, they had settled in. There is a difference. The programme was called " leaving home at 8" so I suspect the producer had decided on their angle before they started filming.
It is interesting that there are often threads about how some DCs cry when they start a new day school. This is known as a settling in process but when boarding is involved they are not settled but resigned!

From the minute a baby is born, lots of people (including strangers) take an interest in how you feed them, choice of name, how you dress them, if they sleep in your bed, if they have a dummy, if you return to work or not, etc. etc. and feel obliged to pass judgement (often, any choice that differs from theirs = wrong )

Not sure if this is the same internationally?!

I have only ever seen these attitudes on MN, herladyship. Women in my country who work are not judged for it, in fact, they are respected because the fight for women to be treated equally is something we take seriously. So we admire women who work, particularly when they assume positions of leadership which we so badly need. We admire our women ministers, judges, businesswomen, architects, etc because these are very male areas so when a woman breaks through, no one would think to judge her for being a working mother. We also admire market women and cross-border traders who manage to send their children to school in difficult circumstances. Education is a big big thing here, particularly for girls and young women.

The BF FF debate isn't really an issue either as far as I have seen. Children tend to be given culturally meaningful names, or named after a loved one, usually a deceased relative. Mostly, women have the usual struggles, against inequality, against violence, against poverty. There is not much room to judge anyone else's choices. I am of course speaking only of what i have seen in my country, it could well be different elsewhere.

I had a horrible time at my (non boarding) comprehensive school in the 80s. There were teachers who bullied and humiliated children. If you were no good at sport, you were invisible. There were favourites and spods. Everyone knew their place.

I used to come home every evening glad to get away from it. My home was my haven. I would get home and change out of my uniform, talk to my mum and siblings, watch telly, relax away from the school.

i don't think I ever really told my parents how bad the school was because there wasn't really an alternative (to my teen eyes) so what was the point. I just got on with it, out my head down and worked in spite of the teachers.

My home life was brilliant, my school life shit.

I would like to think I could provide a home for my DC that was the same: a respite, a haven, a loving home where you want to be.

I would hate for my children to be in a situation I was, where they had no place to go to to get away from school. And I also think my experience made me think that lots of childrn don't tell their parents they are unhappy, so when BS parents say "my DC love it", I always think, "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

I have observed this visceral (and vituperative) rection too.

I think posh-bashing is accepted and encouraged in this country. Although we are militantly demanding of respect and tolerance for every other possible group in society.

I think the visceral reaction is, deep down, one of fear of social exclusion. Boarding schools traditionally turn out the Establishment, all of whom are connected somehow.

I think it's nothing more than inverted snobbery dressed up as superior parenting.

Boarding schools can also be a lifesaver for some families.

For me, boarding school would be a solution if there was no other option, e.g. if dh and I were in the Armed Forces or lived in a small fishing or farming community where there was no secondary schooling available or a dc had SN which required specialist input, or a very special talent that couldn't be nurtured in any other way. Or, I suppose, if we had a really unhappy marriage (though then I'd be looking at getting out of the marriage). So I would never judge anyone who did choose it.

But I would regard it as second best.

I know this is because the everyday time I had with my parents and siblings in my own childhood, even if it was just eating dinner together and having a quick chat before bedtime, was so very precious to me. I felt I learned so much from my parents during the teen years that I would seriously have missed out if I had been away from them.

I don't get why getting home at 17.45 would mean having no quality time in the week. By the time dc are old enough to go to boarding school at 11, surely they won't be going to bed until about 9 anyway, so that is plenty of time to be preparing dinner together, chatting over homework, arguing, joking, watching the Spain-Tahiti match together.

And by the time they are 11 they don't really need childcare either, so two siblings can enjoy time together in the afternoons. I had a lot of fun with my brothers, and unlike friends who might drift away during the adult years, my brothers are still there and will be as long as we all live.

I don't have any exaggerated ideas of strangers danger or obsessively needing to keep within the nuclear family. But I do think family life is great fun.

I went to boarding school and enjoyed it. Still had a good relationship with my parents and siblings - and given the much longer holidays I saw plenty of them and didn't feel I missed out on either the good or the bad of family life.

All 4 of us boarded eventually and only my brother was unhappy - and so moved to the local 6th form college for A Levels. I only recall one girl in my boarding house being unhappy and homesick for the first term.

We were brought up knowing that we would board - we were day kids at a prep school where over half the school were full-time boarders and so most of my friends were either boarding from 7 or knew that they would be boarding from 13.

I imagine that DD would be the kind of child who would love boarding and we haven't totally ruled it out eventually. However, I am too selfish to want to let her go as I'd miss her and we don't have to. If we had more children then I'd probably be more inclined to send her.

(Although I'm often sorely tempted to pack her off if I could only find somewhere that takes them at four! )

It is possible to be dumped in boarding school, yet still enjoy it.

I loved boarding school, I had a fantastic time and the best education (academic and extra curricular) money could buy. The bottom line though is that I was sent there to be 'out of sight' and 'out of mind' because my mother no longer wanted me at home (couldn't 'cope' with me + twins). I would happily send my dc to boarding school if that was what they wanted, I would never willingly impose it on them though.

I couldn't give a stuff what you do with your kids op and I suggest most of the UK population are the same.