AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

I have to say that I don't understand the visceral response - although I guess the 'class divide' has been exacerbated somewhat because there aren't the same provisions to send kids from lower-income backgrounds to boarding schools as existed in my day. I didn't have to pay any fees at all, a situation that just wouldn't happen now.

But boarding school was great. Really great. And I think the idea that kids will pine for their parents from day one until the day they leave sixth form is a bit silly. Some will, but most won't. My mum was, I reckon, a bit miffed by my glorying in not having to go home every day.

And I agree with the person who said boarding schools have changed a lot quite recently: as a youngish adult, I know that some of the policies that were in place when I was at school would be considered positively antediluvian these days. I saw a documentary not so long ago and was flabbergasted by how much softer and more child-centred everything seemed.

Ds does flexi boarding mostly three nights a week. He started at 8 and was the youngest boarder. He boards for a specific reason and loves it. He will soon be doing full weekly boarding. I don't recognise the comments of some on the various boarding threads about life in a boarding school. His dorm is small, matron sprays lavender on the dcs pillows to help them sleep, they get to do lots of great activities and on his birthday they made him a cake (he did come home that evening!).

We are looking at senior schools and he refuses to consider going to a day school. We have a close relationship but he is an only child and very sociable so enjoys spending time with his school friends in the evenings. At the weekends and holidays he is always out and about playing with his local friends.

When he moved to boarding school I know some people were very critical of me (mostly behind my back) for allowing him to go. However it is what he wanted and he is thoroughly enjoying it.

When he is at home we get to do all the mundane stuff as well as the fun bits. I do think that you have to be very secure in your relationship with your child to cope with boarding. I don't need to give or receive daily cuddles for me to show how much I love ds or for him to show me.

I think the reaction is to do with parents of boarders wanting to spend as little time with their children as possible.

Otherwise, why wouldn't they just live at home?

It's unthinkable for the vast majority of people in the UK.

My DH has this visceral negative response when I've broached even the idea of it with him (not whether we should send our own DC's but what he thinks of it). My view of boarding school is generally quite positive, probably from reading too many of my grandmother's old "Girl's Own" books. My DH's view is formed by the reputation of boarding schools in India where bullying/abuse is rife and student suicide is not unheard of.

LaQueen - you brilliantly articulate what i wanted to say.

I gasped in horror at the person who "doesn't need daily cuddles" with her kids. That's such an alien concept to me. I think that's the visceral response right there from me. I am prepared to give up DC and pack him off at 18 not before.

My Mum boarded a public school and hated it, she was very very unhappy there.

I remember after reading Enid Blyton books I asked her if I could go, 'NEVER' was her emphatic reaction.

My opinion is swayed a lot from hearing my Mums talk about her experience, but also because, to me, it is wrong to not look after my children myself.

thebody said I couldn't give a stuff what you do with your kids op and I suggest most of the UK population are the same

Erm, what? Lots of people post on MN about their kids and they never get this kind of response. So what is it, have I offended you by being a foreigner, an African, a black woman or all three? If that is what it is, sorry lovey it is not going to change, and yes, I will keep posting about issues of interest to me, and clearly, from the responses here, of interest to others too.

Everyone else, thanks for such an eye-opening discussion.

My reaction is based on having been the child who was sent to boarding school.

I wouldn't choose it for my son in large part becuase of that experience.

Also I want him pysically in the home day to day more than I want a solution to the poverty of education here. Which motivated me to find a rather unusual solution (online British independant secondary school) that as it turns put suits us all very well indeed.

I don't however get aereated about other parents making a perfectly reasonable choice that is different from my own. With certain exceptions where a small number of thr people I know appear to be making the same mistakes my parents did during the descion making process. But they are in the minority.

CarpeV online independent??
I'm intrigued. Please explain. (Sounds amazing.)

Everything laqueen said.

For me, personally, I want my children to live here with us in our home as part of our family full-time.

I'm sure pastoral care is wonderful in these schools but I just cannot fathom how that could provide the same kind of care that myself and dh can to our children.

I understand the many reasons people have for sending their children to boarding school - it's just not for our family at all.

It seems very alien to me. But then I've never been one for after school clubs or socialising much and my dc are the same. I can see how some dc would enjoy it.

It's private foster care effectively. Why take the risk of inflicting a child you are responsible for with attatchment issues, anxiety, depression etc that all commonly occur when you institutionalise a child? Wether a majority or minority do it is neither here nor there.

I can see why they are useful and right in some circumstances. However, my own view is that nobody could love and care for my dcs as much as I do or in the way I do. I am responsible for my child(ren) and it is my place to look after them (the theoretical them as I only have 1 atm)

I find it hard working full time because I hate being away so much. I could not bare the thought of going weeks on end without seeing each other.

I also have a close relationship with my parents which I feel I would have missed out on if I had gone away.

Which African country are you in OP?

Why is that relevant?

OP - Its not because that you are a foreigner. MN is full of rude people who are quite willing to be rude to everyone regardless of colour or creed :)

OP, I thought your post at 15:29 yesterday was very inspirational and now I too am wondering which country you are from, but of course you don't have to say.

Agree with Dave

The older DC's of some friends of ours go to a school that takes boarders but go as day pupils as they live close to the school. The boys are often desperate to board with their friends but it makes no sense to their parents as they literally live 2 minutes away from school!
I don't think that people can judge whether it would be good for their children unless they have seen firsthand the care that boarding school provides imo, there is too much judgement based on hearsay and prejudice. That and many people/parents do love to judge and disapprove of the actions of others based on their own beliefs, not thinking that what may not be what they want for their own children might actually be beneficial to others because they can't see beyond the end of their own noses.

Why is that relevant?

Why does it have to be relevant?

The OP has spoken about the country she's in all through the thread

I wondered what that country was.

Also agree with LaQueen.

Dh went to bs, curiously his older brother didn't. They each have very different relationships with their parents.