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AIBU?

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Original poster

School report aibu to punish him? WWYD

220 replies

Meloncholymum · 18/06/2013 13:19

Help!

My son has just received an appalling report for his end of year. Basically he hasn't reached his target grades in nearly all subjects and his class work and prep is 'unsatisfactory'. DH is furious and I am disappointed - he is exceptionally bright but clearly not doing the right things to achieve.

He is a full time boarder and comes home some Weekends and holidays - which we thought was the right thing - but I am beginning to question the decision.He is in year 7

DH is threatening to take his beloved xbox and birthday present away and to make him work all the summer break.

WWYD - is it unreasonable to punish him or is this report just a reflection of him adapting to big school?

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 18/06/2013 13:22

Does he like being at boarding school?
Why is he there?
What is the school's explanations for the grades?
What have they done to help him study?

squeakytoy · 18/06/2013 13:22

maybe he needs more parental guidance and supervision..

WilsonFrickett · 18/06/2013 13:23

Maybe the work is too hard for him?
Maybe he is having problems settling at big school?
Maybe he is being bullied or having other social problems?
Maybe he is lonely and unhappy and wants to leave so is deliberately failing?
Maybe he's just got the fright of his life and will knuckle down next year?
Maybe he's - ahem - not exceptionally bright, simply average?
Maybe his predicted grades were too high?

But maybe punishing him will be easier than sitting down and working out the answers to some of these questions?

DeepRedBetty · 18/06/2013 13:23

Well I wouldn't have sent him FT boarding at 11. ~And I'd expect my school to have talked to me before the end of the first year if my child was making a pig's ear of things.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 18/06/2013 13:23

Depends! Of that's his genuine level and he's worked hard but is just struggling then no that's not his fault and ywbu to punish him.

If he's been deliberately lazy then yes.

BeauNidle · 18/06/2013 13:23

Is this his first year boarding.

No I would not punsh.
Discuss it with him. Find out why it is going wrong. Is there something worrying him, or upsetting him.
I hate it when I read that parents go full on to punish without finding out the facts first.

RoooneyMara · 18/06/2013 13:23

Sounds harsher than necessary tbh

Poor kid

Helpyourself · 18/06/2013 13:24

I'd be looking for another school.
How exactly are you supposed to have an effect on his class work and prep if he's not at home. Is this the first report you've had? I'd be livid.

5Foot5 · 18/06/2013 13:24

I think you need to talk to him about it first before wading in with the big guns. Can you discuss this with his form teacher or equivalent? I don't know how boarding school's work so I don't know if there is an equivalent to a Parent's Evening but there must surely be somebody you can take your concerns to.

Is he disappointed with his report or doesn't he seem to care?

It could be he has been lazy and silly in which case perhaps some holiday work to catch up would be in order. And a serious conversation.

But maybe he is having trouble adjusting or succumbing to peer pressure or something.

Basically I think you need to know more before you just react.

ImperialBlether · 18/06/2013 13:24

That poor boy, that's all I can say. Even if he wanted to go to boarding school, even if he begged to go, how do you know he's happy there? He has potential and he's not living up to it so ask yourself why, rather than punishing him.

Your husband sounds like a bully, tbh.

pudcat · 18/06/2013 13:25

Is he homesick? Is he being bullied? Are school's expectations too high? Is he really suited to boarding school? Does he miss his primary school friends? I would be asking myself all these questions before even thinking of punishing him.

diplodocus · 18/06/2013 13:26

So you're saying he's a full boarder at 11, and you're not sure if he should come home "some weekends!? How would that help at all?
If he's been a hard worker up until now surely your priority should be finding out what the problem is, not punishing him? What does he say? Is he happy at school? Is he homesick? Bullied? Angry with you for sending him away? Being "exceptionally bright" does not always mean you have the social skills to cope with such major change at 11.

squeakytoy · 18/06/2013 13:26

I can just imagine a husband ranting about all the wasted money.. while an 11 year old boy is missing being at home with his parents..

ImperialBlether · 18/06/2013 13:26

I'm surprised that this is the first you've heard about his grades. I thought schools kept in touch with parents to tell them if they were slipping, either by phone, email or during parents' evening. Surely his school does that?

ParadiseChick · 18/06/2013 13:26

Oh dear. Surely the school should be keeping you up to date and contracting you about any issues?

Why is he boarding? Does he like it?

youbethemummylion · 18/06/2013 13:26

I would find out what was going on before punishing him.

I would also be questioning if the school is doing enough for him. Presumably if he is boarding and no one has mentioned this to you before then the school have failed in their job to encourage him to improve.

lottieandmia · 18/06/2013 13:26

I don't think punishing him is going to resolve anything.

I would first of all want to find out whether he is generally unhappy about something - he's only 11. Could bullying be an issue?

If you want him to do better positive reinforcement will get better results than punitive measures imho. So you could give him an incentive to work for.

Eyesunderarock · 18/06/2013 13:29

Didn't the school give some indication of problems before the shock of his end of year report?
How supportive have you been of him over the year?
How involved does he feel you are? What are his reasons for not having lived up to your expectations of him?

BeauNidle · 18/06/2013 13:29

Oh and by the way, my ds's also go to a fee paying school (they don't board) but I take no notice of the target grades. I just look at the effort they have put in. If yours is similar there will be effort grades, and that is enough for me.
Speak to him, and find out what is going wrong.

IWipeArses · 18/06/2013 13:29

This is a wind up surely?

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/06/2013 13:32

Why on earth would you punish someone for a lack of attainment?

diplodocus · 18/06/2013 13:32

I wondered that IWipe

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/06/2013 13:33

Sorry meant achievement?

JakeBullet · 18/06/2013 13:33

He is 11 and boarding full time.

I would be asking how he is coping with missing home etc before punishing him.

I'd also ask the school why this is the first you had heard if him struggling.

More than anything I would be talking to your DS though. He needs his Mum and Dad's support and not their wrath.

Gubbins · 18/06/2013 13:33

I'd have thought it more effective to sit down with him and try to get to the bottom of why he's not achieving as much as you think he should; not punishing him with no investigation of underlying reasons . And speak to the school about why you were not made aware that he was struggling earlier.

It's not clear whether you are questioning your decision to board him or questioning your decision to allow him home at weekends. If you think that having him under school supervision for more of the time would help then think again. My parents thought that my boarding, with supervised prep with my peers, might encourage me to work a bit harder but got it completely wrong. I ended up doing bugger all. As long as the prep room was quiet, no-one cared if I was writing my essay or reading Just 17 under the desk. I had had much more effective supervision at the kitchen table under Mum's beady eye.