School report aibu to punish him? WWYD

[Meloncholymum]

Help!

My son has just received an appalling report for his end of year. Basically he hasn't reached his target grades in nearly all subjects and his class work and prep is 'unsatisfactory'. DH is furious and I am disappointed - he is exceptionally bright but clearly not doing the right things to achieve.

He is a full time boarder and comes home some Weekends and holidays - which we thought was the right thing - but I am beginning to question the decision.He is in year 7

DH is threatening to take his beloved xbox and birthday present away and to make him work all the summer break.

WWYD - is it unreasonable to punish him or is this report just a reflection of him adapting to big school?

[lottieandmia]

I don't think it's fair to judge the OP for sending her son to a boarding school. That isn't any of our business.

[Meloncholymum]

I will be contacting the school - we were at a parents evening (should have been in January and they rescheduled for May).....none of this came out although we didn't speak to all teachers.

Thy pride themselves on their pastoral support, but they have 2 kids who are a bit problematic in the house and I think this may have been their focus - not excusable but understandable

[Meloncholymum]

His targets are 7 for most and 6 for those subjects he didn't do at Primary. They all suggest he is capable of it

[cory]

I don't think boarding school always has to be the wrong option; I have known people who were very happy at boarding school and for whom it was almost certainly the best option.

But what I do think is harmful is the notion that you have to become a certain person, you have to achieve according to our expectations because we are paying. I have known people faced with that expectation to devote their adult life to disappointing their parents.

[Scruffey]

The boarding aside, it is bad that the school only let you know this stuff in the end of year report. You should have been informed earlier.

At this stage punishment is not the way to go. You need to get to the root of the problem on order to find the solution. Rather than punishing, I'd get a tutor to fill in the gaps over the summer if I was in your position. If you suspect lack of effort, then a lecture would be in order as well!

[Helpyourself]

I don't think it's fair to judge the OP for sending her son to a boarding school. That isn't any of our business.
It's not our business, but she's asked for advice and the fact that he's boarding is germaine to the issue here. The parents aren't happy with his performance although they're not in a position to change it as he doesn't live at home. The only time he is at home they're considering punishing him.

[Meloncholymum]

Fair points - but it isn't about money or him achieving to our expectations ( i think this is true for my DH also - he has an upbringing which is related to much of what he wants for the kids) - it is about him doing the best he can - and we have told him that several time.

[squeakytoy]

My stepchildren have all grown into being happy independent adults without the need to throw them out of the house before they even reached their teens.

I think judging regarding boarding school is perfectly acceptable as a personal opinion.

[humptynumptyfall]

Do you think maybe he wanted to go to boarding school because he knew he would be so lonely at home?

[Helpyourself]

Prioritise your relationships with him op. concentrate on finding a way for him to feel self motivated.

[Meloncholymum]

Actually I don't know if boarding is relevant or not - this report could have come from a dayschool where there is no parent to supervise homework I suppose

[Justfornowitwilldo]

I think it sounds like that isn't the right school for him. Not because he is unhappy (you think he's happy) but because he sounds like he needs more supervision and a push to focus and do his work and the school obviously aren't managing to do that.

I'd be very unimpressed if this is the first you'd heard of it from the school. I'd make sure to rule out unhappiness, bullying, difficulties with the work etc and then make it clear to him that if he doesn't try much harder and get on with his work and if you don't get reports of a much better attitude from his tutors by Christmas you will be looking to move him to another school.

[cory]

Ok so he had these targets. Set by the school, whether rightly or wrongly. And now he has failed to meet them.

Imo (and I think I have MN behind me here) one of the most important lessons in life is how we deal with disappointment. Our own and that of other people. Not living up to expectation. Things not coming off as they were supposed to.

The people he will look to as models for this will be you and your dh. So how do you deal with this disappointment? Do you rant and rail and throw your toys out of the pram?

Or do you approach the problem calmly and analytically, talk to him as an adult to try to decide if there is a problem and then discuss with him what he could do about it?

Whatever you do now is what he will learn from you. And that will decide how he reacts when later in life he doesn't get the job he was hoping for, or fails to get into the university he wanted, or the big business deal falls through.

[Meloncholymum]

He was lonely at home - he has his brother but because of our location he didn't see his friends outside of school (unless we were at home or our nanny could manage it). He was also brought up in a boarding school - so it was quite natural for him really

[Meloncholymum]

Cory - that is really helpful, this is certainly now what i intend to happen

[lottieandmia]

I don't think punishing him is the right thing to do, particularly in the situation described. Surely rewarding him for progress is a better approach at this age. Any child who has just started secondary school will need some time to settle in and will have to get used to a different way of working.

[PrettyKitty1986]

Why could you not supervise homework if at a day school op?

Are you not at home any evening?

[squeakytoy]

I couldnt imagine putting my career and salary above my child.. thats just me.

[TolliverGroat]

The most critical point for me is your #9 "We have had other reports - which have been variable, but this one is dire"

So either his work and attitude has been "dire" for some significant time and the school hasn't properly drawn your attention to it before (which should never ever happen and reflects extremely poorly on the school) or your son's work has only tailed off in recent weeks and that's what the report reflects (in which case you need to get to the bottom of what's changed in recent weeks).

[lottieandmia]

cory - very good post.

[MrsOakenshield]

squeaky - you did read the bit were the OP said her DS had chosen boarding school? Because your comments suggest otherwise. The OP has stated that she and her DH work erratic hours - surely they are trying to give their DS some stability and a good atmosphere, like many army/diplomatic parents etc (I suppose you think they shouldn't have children either) - and it hardly sounds like he is unhappy, just perhaps not applying himself as he should to his education.

[Meloncholymum]

Tolliver- good point, you can read between the lines on the teachers comments - and for some of them - it was a bit - he has been like this all year but we were initially optimistic. Maybe they saw his targets and expected him to be an awesome student - rather than an unsatisfactory one

[Isatdownandwept]

I am finding it very hard to find the right senior school that will push academically able DCs whilst not hot-housing them, and am slowly learning to sniff out the ethos beyond the prospectus, but its still hard.

I can't say whether your DS is at the wrong school, or is not yet at the stage of being able to apply himself properly, but its one or the other and I'd be down at the school asking the head of year & housemaster some awkward questions. The pastoral support already seems poor by the fact this has come as a surprise.

If it were me and I loved the school I'd be inclined to give him next year to turn it round, with a view to lining up an alternative school for 13+ entry. And I wouldnt be punishing. If he loves the school enough he will try and if not you can find a school with a more ' interventional' ethos

By the way, the 90 mins of prep is a red herring. DS uses his prep time to read skulduggery books.

[squeakytoy]

Yes, I saw that the boy had chosen to go to boarding school... because he was lonely at home.

Nobody is going to convince me that this is right.

[Floggingmolly]

He's working at Level 7 in most subjects - so what were his targets and how far off the mark was he, exactly? It depends on what your perception of "dire" is, really...