School report aibu to punish him? WWYD

[Meloncholymum]

Help!

My son has just received an appalling report for his end of year. Basically he hasn't reached his target grades in nearly all subjects and his class work and prep is 'unsatisfactory'. DH is furious and I am disappointed - he is exceptionally bright but clearly not doing the right things to achieve.

He is a full time boarder and comes home some Weekends and holidays - which we thought was the right thing - but I am beginning to question the decision.He is in year 7

DH is threatening to take his beloved xbox and birthday present away and to make him work all the summer break.

WWYD - is it unreasonable to punish him or is this report just a reflection of him adapting to big school?

[xylem8]

I would be very dubious about how is primary school arrived at deciding he was working at L7

[cory]

I have a ds just a year older than yours who in many ways is very different from my expectations of him: he is not interested in reading, he does not care about doing well at school, he is not interested in the kind of career dh and I might have envisaged for him.

I have had to make a very conscious effort to distinguish between the kind of behaviour I expect of him because that is how decent people behave (e.g. not disrupting the class when his friends are trying to learn, not being rude to the teacher by deliberate laziness when she is working hard to support him) and the kind of achievement I might have expected of somebody sharing my genes.

The first is non-negotiable, the second is (in a sense) neither here nor there.

Especially as the last 6 months or so have revealed that he does actually have interests and is very knowledgeable in some fields, they are just so totally different from what I expected that I failed to see them for a long time.

[babyhmummy01]

melancholy I remember bring punished for appalling school reports so I don't think you are being unreasonable providing you are certain that the reason for the poor grades is laziness and not something more deep rooted.

Personally I would talk to him and see if it is a case of bored cos its too easy/too hard. If it isn't then perhaps given that he has only been there a year and lots of kids, esp boys struggle with the move from primary to secondary, it might be better to put something a bit different in place. Punishment is one of those words that for some means a loss of privileges ie taking away Xbox and for others it brings about images of beatings etc.

If it was me I would look at the following;

1 stop the privilege of staying at school at weekends enjoying time with his mates, make him come home and study for part of it til he can prove his work has improved

2 ask the school to change his tutor as you describe them as weak

3 ask the school for a weekly report on his progress

4 if u think the target grades are too high ask for them to be reassessed

5 when he does well or gets comments about significant improvement agree rewards for that ie earning a weekend at school with his mates.

Hope this helps, and ignore the posters criticising your choices, if I could afford private school for my kids when it comes time I would love to be able to send them as the stare schools nr me are rubbish! And if he wanted to board then why not let him have the experience, just be prepared to change him to a day school if he has found boarding too hard.

[GibberTheMonkey]

If he's not yet 13 could you move him to a prep for the next year (or is it 2).
They tend to be smaller and the children less independent. It might give him the extra year or so to mature before moving up at 13.

[Meloncholymum]

Gibber - that is an interesting idea, he is the smallest and nearly the youngest in his year. We did consider 13+ entry but he wanted to do it 11

BabyH- good plan - I will take this all on board

[humptynumptyfall]

I'm sorry but no 11 year old is mentally mature enough to make a decision to be away from home for that amount of time.

He must feel like the family don't want him around..I couldn't be away from my children for that amount of time nor would I let them make such a big decision.

I think the school are expecting way to much from him, he will be hitting puberty and his mind body and hormones will be totally all over the place, on top of that he doesn't see his patents often enough to have the emotional support that he needs at this age.

And to be frank...you and your dh are expecting way to much from him as well

[BalloonSlayer]

I would wonder whether the primary school ahem inflated his grades a bit, and maybe he was at a Level 6. Now he really is a Level 7 it looks like no progress.

I would also wonder whether he really is a level 7 now because Level 7 is a fantastic grade for a Year 7 student, and even if this is a top selective I would really doubt that someone getting Level 7s in Year 7 would be getting an "appalling" report.

[IndridCold]

No, I wouldn't punish him, or make him do extra work in the holidays.

I would be having a talk with him towards the end of the holidays about school, see if there are any underlying problems and try and come up with some helpful suggestions on how to organise himself a bit better. Even though he is still young I found that if you begin to emphasise the fact that they now have slightly more adult responsibilities sometimes plays well; letting them know you are treating them like a grown up rather than a child can make more of an impact. You could even offer an incentive for improving his performance next year - very strictly enforced though, nothing too easy.

I would be wondering about the school though. Did they not raise this issue earlier? At DS's school we have full reports every term and I would have expected to have been alerted to this at the end of the Christmas term, not have it sprung on me at the end of the year! I would expect any school worth its salt to have tactics to deal with this themselves, (your DS is by no means the only bright dreamer out there) and to have already have put them into practice. I would also be wondering how it is that they don't seem to have managed to capture his imagination.

[PiratePanda]

Seriously, plenty of children, especially boys, take a while to get into their academic stride in the teenage years. It really doesn't mean that they won't achieve well at A Levels of whatever.

I wouldn't punish him no; he will know you're disappointed, and he probably is too. Try to talk through the reasons why. If he hates boarding, consider a local day school (independent or state). If he loves it, or simply if he's been a bit overwhelmed by the transition, give it another chance. But do let him know that he matters to you (not the money), and that you're concerned to get to the bottom of what his anomalous grades mean.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Has he been told he is 'exceptionally bright'? Because both my experience and research has shown that children told this are lazier and less motivated to try than other children. He has coasted along at primary, now wants to coast along at Secondary because he is bright and doesn't think he has to work.

I was this kid. I got a hell of a shock at University. Sounds like his shock has come earlier.

[Meloncholymum]

Balloon - I think that is the point - he is achieving target in several subjects and his teachers note this but the poor prep quality, performance in class and independent learning is where the report is very bad - where he is not achieving target - they say is due to these issues not capability.

[nancerama]

There's a great book - How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. It might be helpful for you and your DH to read it before DS comes home and agree on a strategy to get him to open up.

I was privately educated, although not in a boarding school, but hated it. I was well aware that it was costing my parents a lot of money and I was scared to speak up in case they thought I was ungrateful. Every time I got a bad report, I was yelled at it was awful. The truth was I was struggling a bit, but didn't know how to ask the teachers for extra help and they didn't offer it. I was branded with the lazy brush and figured it was easier to go along with everyone's perception of me than to speak up.

I'm not saying this is the problem with your DS, but I hope you can find a way to get him to volunteer what is going on.

[Meloncholymum]

MrsTerryPratchett - too true - he definitely thinks he can get away with things and coast along.

PP - I think the transition (work wise) was demanding but we thought he had got into the work - clearly not!

[babyhmummy01]

balloon you make a very good point about the primary school!

melancholy make sure ur dh calms down and that you agree on a plan before your ds comes home!

[christinarossetti]

I've only skim read this thread but the two things that strike me are...

1 - if his report really is 'appalling', why haven't the school been in touch well before end of year?

2 - I think you and your husband need to talk about and think through your own feelings before doing or saying anything to your son. From being 'appalling' and not meeting his target grades in nearly all subjects in your OP, it seems that he's actually working well above his years across the board. I'm not sure exactly what you hope or expect from an 11 year old, but I think the problem lies here rather than with either your son or even particularly the school tbh.

[Meloncholymum]

Nancerama - just ordered the book on Amazon - should be with me tomorrow. Thanks!

I will make sure everyone is calm - he is due off on a long school trip on Friday and dont think before this is the best time to raise it

[Blu]

He will be sitting GCSEs in Yr 8?

Maturity and ability are very different things. It may be that he simply doesn't have the maturity to reach L7, let alone GCSE standard, and especially if he is young in his year. L 7 in subjects like English require quite grown up understandings of things.

I am amazed that an 11 year old can be expected to reach a L6 in subjects that they have never studied before - such as a language.

I would talk to him about specific points like prep being 'unsatisfactory', and talk to the school about the realisticness of the targets.

If he has had a nanny helping him structure his time , is he mature enough to manage his own prep and study time away from home? My 11 year old can barely remember to eat his breakfast, he is so scatty. He starts a piece of work and then forgets he is doing it. And he is a high achieving child.

I would go down a route of finding out how happy he is, how supported he is, and how realistic the expectations are.

In my book removal of sanctions is for bad behaviour - actual naughtiness. He needs to understand that under-achievement is it's own punishment as he is robbing himself of his own potential. And that you and the school are there to help him achieve the best he can.

Secondary transfer is a huge transition for kids.

[Burmillababe]

Possibly going against the majority, but I agree with your DH - your DS needs to realise that working hard is necessary, everyone has to do it, and I believe it's a good message to learn at that age.

[50shadesofvomit]

I haven't read the replies but I have a y7 son in a excellent comprehensive and I went to boarding school as a child.

First thing Id do is talk to your son and find out if he agrees with the report. If so, get him to talk about what he can do to change things.

The biggest lesson my y7 son has had to learn this school year is to organise himself. He has to make sure homework is done, he takes in correct books and kit etc. last weekend he asked me to replace stationery which was inadequate- all stuff that the school expects a y7 to learn this year.

I went to parents evening and met his subject teachers. In my opinion, some were overly strict eg. The history teacher moaned that my son and many of his classmates couldn't write essays properly but my son left primary with level 5 Literacy so must be able write something and if so many failed to write adequately then it's up to him to surely teach them how to write history essays?

My son is a daydreamer and has a good group of friends he likes to matter with but apparently it's not a problem as a quick reminder from the teacher to focus leads him to recover. His lessons are 50 minutes long so I think that learning to focus is just one of those things.

I would not punish your son. The summer holidays are needed to keep him fresh for the new school year and I think that it's the time to do stuff that he can't during term time.

[Dackyduddles]

His school have highlighted his poor record just now and you want to punish your boy?

Where's the ongoing dialogue with the school your paying? I think all three of you are at fault but him least.

[IWishIWasSheRa]

Cory has offered brilliant advice and op the book you were recommended is great.
Hope everything works out for you all.

[allmycats]

Intelligence and maturity don't go hand in hand, so whilst he may well be able to function academically at a certain level he almost certainly won't be mature enough to use his own time effectively.

You must be aware that if he is attaining level 7 in some of his subjects then his report is NOT DIRE - you need to have a meeting with the school and your boy as to how to deal with the situation you and your husband feel you are in.

Perhaps he is not really at level 7 in all of the subjects, perhaps he does mess around a bit, and there would be something seriously wrong with a child of this age if they did not mess around.

You say that his year tutor is 'weak' - this would be my starting point, if
he knew your son was coasting ( and he should know because it is his job to do so) and not preparing his work as was necessary then he should have taken the situation in hand some while ago and workded with your son to help him manage his time more efficiently.

IMO you are putting too much pressure on your son to achieve what YOU want him to, not what he is capable of.

[ConferencePear]

I would be worrying about the school rather than your son.
Why on earth are you only finding out towards the end of the year that he (for whatever reason) is not coping well.
I would be giving serious consideration to changing school. How would he feel about that ?

[McNewPants2013]

I wouldn't punish him, but if he is not working to his potential I would be threating that he will be home every weekend if improvement are not made.

[Sparklysilversequins]

I went to boarding school for two years and I never did a stroke of work. This is because when I WAS at home my parents totally overreacted to everything I ever said or did and flew off the handle and terrorised me over school and parents evenings etc at the day school I was at. Never had a good word to say about anything i did. Quite frankly at boarding school and away from their OTT reactions to everything I simply couldn't be arsed to do any work at all, so I didn't.

Any chance this might going on? What with your DH being so "furious" about this?