School report aibu to punish him? WWYD

[Meloncholymum]

Help!

My son has just received an appalling report for his end of year. Basically he hasn't reached his target grades in nearly all subjects and his class work and prep is 'unsatisfactory'. DH is furious and I am disappointed - he is exceptionally bright but clearly not doing the right things to achieve.

He is a full time boarder and comes home some Weekends and holidays - which we thought was the right thing - but I am beginning to question the decision.He is in year 7

DH is threatening to take his beloved xbox and birthday present away and to make him work all the summer break.

WWYD - is it unreasonable to punish him or is this report just a reflection of him adapting to big school?

[Meloncholymum]

Thanks ohnoudidnt - just the sort of sound advice and opinion I was hoping for

[LiegeAndLief]

I went to boarding school. We had supervised prep as juniors but all that meant was you had to sit in a room for an hour quietly and look like you were working. No one actually checked what you were doing, and the supervisors were in no position to know whether you had even been given any prep. Maybe he's just found the transition to a greater level of personal responsibility a bit hard and will get better with maturity.

[Remotecontrolduck]

Strongly disagree with with boarding school, maybe your circumstances mean boarding is the best option though. Anyway, that's irrelvant. Your choice.

I would be concerned that they've left it a whole YEAR to tell you this? In state schools I've experienced you usually get a termly outline of standard of work, approximate progress etc. I would go to the school before getting angry at your son.

Maybe he doesn't want to be there. Without wanting to be rude, isn't it your job to look after him and talk to him, with him being your son, that you chose to give birth to? Ok, that was rude. But it needs to be said.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

cory

I could have written your post of 14:25 about my 12 year old.

How wise you are

[wonderingsoul]

i think the school is to blame to for s ome of it, if he was struglinh you should have been made aware of it sooner.

how ever it seems he is getting good grades in some but not others.. well thats life you cant expect him to win in all of them, its just natural. even the ones hes not getting good it still seems to be at the level thats expected of his age.

which leads me to belive that ethier the school have set expertantions to high or YOU are expecting to much. imo its abit of both.

the fact you . or your dh think disapling him for when he is at home i find extreamly sad about.

enjoy your time with him, go out, actually get to know him and allow for talks about school to come freely with out pushing him or scaring him.

[BalloonSlayer]

I do think it's sad that you seem to have "outsourced" all responsibility for his education to others [school] but then when it's not working well he gets all the blame, from both school and you.

He's only 11, he needs support, if he's not doing well. Which he isn't getting.

And he is doing well, actually. So he needs praise. Which he isn't getting either.

[JohnnyUtah]

My younger boy is in year seven,in an independent school though not boarding. I wouldn't punish. I would talk as cory says. I would want to talk to the school in person ASAP - why is the last report so much worse than the others! What have they been doing?? I would want to talk to this year's tutor and also next year's before September, to sort out a plan. Twelve is very young, this might be the wake up call he needs?

[Helpyourself]

Meloncholy, you're doing your son and yourself a disservice if you disregard all the advice you've had here because of one intemperate response.

[Meloncholymum]

Thanks helpyourself - thankfully I have taken the advice and intend to put much of it into practice - although why you would have thought otherwise I cant think!

I came for advice and got it- along with a load of reasons why I am a bad parent.....so all in all its been a useful afternoon

[WireCat]

I would say he's ahead if he's going level 7 work in year 7. He's bound to struggle of some stuff.

Please look at the positives. For his sake.

[WireCat]

Oh & you're not a bad parent.

[Helpyourself]

You're not a bad parent. I think the school should take the lion's share of the responsibility and you should prioritise your relationship with your ds.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I don't think you are a bad parent either. There is a lot of prejudice on this thread about Boarding Schools.

But having a 12 year old myself I think you do need to delve a little deeper, and probably cut some slack. I don't think removing X boxes, being furious etc is a rational response (from your DH).

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Good post Blu

[member]

I have a dd coming to the end of year 7 at a state comprehensive so accept that there will be differences between her experience & those of a fee-paying pupil.However, the highest level that she could be assessed at in yr 6 was a L6 with the introduction of the higher level SATS. At parents eve last week, I was told that she'd achieved 7a writing & 7b reading in her most recent assessments (English) with the teacher emphasising that is what she'd expect from top set yr9. At the same parents evening, it became apparent that the German target level was somewhat spurious, as to achieve that level, you have to know two tenses; the second isn't taught till yr 8!

I would therefore never punish for a poor grade, would praise him for the level he is working at but underline that knowing he is trying his best is more important than the numbers tbh

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

I don't think your a bad parent either. I believe he's there for the right reasons, you are doing your best to be as involved as possible and I don't believe that boarding school automatically means rejected, emotionally unstable upset children. Obviously there could be an underlying issue and I'm sure when you speak to the school that may well become clear. I think the school should well have informed you before now so that definitely warrants a meeting with the class teacher. I am surprised though at how few people seem to consider the possibility that he's not doing well because he's being lazy, messing about and not doing his work. I think it's quite clear that it would be that that would be an issues requiring action not the failing itself.

I hope you manage to resolve this op

[Prawntoast]

Haven't read all the replies but I would never punish for attainment grades. A lack of effort is different and I would want to know why effort has been lacking. It's more difficult as you haven't got as much control over that with him boarding. I would be asking the school some very searching questions if this is the first indication that you have had that something isn't right. My DD is at an independent day school and we have a report each term, with effort, attainment, participation and behaviour in class grades for each subject. In addition if there are issues they are communicated to parents attention pdq.
Her junior school was somewhat lacking in communicating with parents regarding performance and it was one of the reasons that she didn't continue into its senior school.

[derektheladyhamster]

Well this could have been my son last yr pretty good reports throughout the year, but when it came to the summer he slacked off and became complacent. He'd got used to the teachers and class.

We did let him know that we were really disappointed, but it's pretty hard to keep that disappointment up all summer

He's now in yr 8 and his attainment and effort grades are much better (although prep is still a bit slip shod in some subjects). His Housemaster I think also had a word about maintaining effort in his subjects, which made more of a difference than Mum and Dad moaning!

And yes, I think he was having too much fun boarding

[AmberLeaf]

Level 7 at yr 7 is appalling?

Really?

[hackmum]

I bet he knows how to spell "melancholy" though.

[cosydressinggown]

A school report shouldn't come as a shock, if it's a good school. I'd be more concerned about lack of communication from the school throughout the year than your son's grades.

If he's failing this badly, there is a reason, and at year 7 he is only a child and so someone else has failed, not him. Even if he is lazy, that's not his failing - someone has not been supporting him enough, and since you've chosen to step out of the responsibility, you need to get cross at the people you are paying to be his parents for most of the year.

I feel sorry for him, very sorry indeed, and hope he is not punished for the failings of the people who are supposed to care for him.

[Yellowtip]

I think you and your DH are being unutterably unreasonable, yes.

What are the domestic or social reasons for him being at boarding school aged 11?

[RedHelenB]

The key things he is struggling with all require HIM to do it - quality prep, independent learning. I would have a chat with him to ensure that he understands that he will get out of life what he will put in. Private school pupils did traditionally suffer when I was at uni ( though I think with all the outside targets state schools are going the same way now)to work independently cos they were used to being spoonfed the answers.

[cory]

"If he's failing this badly, there is a reason"

What? Getting levels 7 in Yr 7? I hope you never get to meet my ds, cosy.