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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be invited to husband's birthday by a friend?

67 replies

lessonsintightropes · 17/06/2013 23:28

DH has a long standing female friend with whom he shares a birthday. They have been good friends for 10 yrs or so and before we got together 5 years ago always celebrated birthdays jointly.

She had been on holiday with him a couple of times as friends and after the first two years we were together got the message that her invitations to him only to go hike Kilimanjaro/visit the Galapagos (yes she is wealthy) were not that welcome.

A couple of weeks ago she texted him to arrange joint b'day drinks together, which is fine. What's not fine though is that they were in the process of arranging it and hadn't decided on a location (she will not be budged from X hipster part of London), and tonight she sends out an email to her friends - and me - inviting us to their joint b'day drinks. They had agreed a date but not location. AIBU to think this is a bit weird? Just to clarify DH has not agreed either time or location of drinks, and had not decided who to invite. The friend has included a number of 'our' friends on the invitation. Opinions v welcome... I do think she crosses the line quite a lot of the time.

OP posts:
MagicHouse · 17/06/2013 23:32

I think that sounds very annoying - for you and your DH. What does he think about it? If I were him I'd be tempted to "reply all", with a polite little email about wires being crossed/ date not set and he can't make it, but he hopes she and all her friends enjoy her night out.... maybe they could all get together another time etc etc

Just to make the point.

crumblepie · 17/06/2013 23:33

i would of knocked the joint birthday thing on the head a long time ago , book a table at a nice restaurant this time and say you are treating him to a meal out , as a surprise and its just you two .

pigletmania · 17/06/2013 23:37

Time to change the joint birthday thing now. Yes go to nice restrain or theatre.

tulipflowers · 17/06/2013 23:38

I think she might be a little bit jealous of your marriage with your dh.. I'd sent an email out saying no dates, or venue have been arranged yet, sorry for the confusion.

pigletmania · 17/06/2013 23:38

Restaurant doh

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 17/06/2013 23:39

She does this kind of thing a lot. When she was single (up until pretty recently) I kind of let it go as I thought she was a bit lonely - whilst putting pressure behind the scenes to DH not to accept all the invitations she sends. But this is now I think well over the line. The problem is DH is such a sweetie he doesn't want to upset her and doesn't see that she can be quite controlling of him/bullying - I am not sure quite how to manage the situation without being perceived as the controlling wife!

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 17/06/2013 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 17/06/2013 23:46

Unfortunately I think if you send out a group email she will unfortunately spin it so that you come across as a rude, crazy person.

In your shoes, if your DH won't take it up with her, I would probably write off this 'one last time' but make it that.

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 17/06/2013 23:46

That's my concern too - don't want to come off as the controlling, joykilling wife! Any suggestions on how to gracefully diffuse this without her constantly 'winning' would be much appreciated. I've tried the slow distancing, not accepting invitations and rarely inviting them thing whilst being happy for DH to catch up with her solo or with their joint friends (which I'm totally okay with). But I just get v pissed off with her hijacking special occasions like this - I'd never dream of doing the reverse.

OP posts:
LadyHarrietdeSpook · 17/06/2013 23:47

He agreed the date? Is it their actual birthday?

reelingintheyears · 17/06/2013 23:49

Hmm,it would piss me off but i'd suck it up this time and arrange something else myself for next year.

HeathRobinson · 17/06/2013 23:49

Ask dh whether he'd rather upset her or his wife?

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 17/06/2013 23:51

LadyH he has agreed the date, yes. No it's not their birthday - the other reason I'm a bit POd is because this is the one weekend of the summer we are not going to a wedding - 8 this year, and he had agreed it with her before talking to me, so I am a bit grumpy with them both. But think it's presumptuous to have invited millions of friends, including some people who are our mates whom we have introduced to her a couple of times, over email. AIBU or just a bit sensitive?

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 17/06/2013 23:52

All your mutual friends probably think she's a bit bonkers too and privately think it's odd and not a little insensitive of her to be commandeering your DHs birthday.

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 17/06/2013 23:55

Reeling this has been intimated. A couple have asked me why I've not resolved it... but don't want to create tension with DH if unnecessary, which is why I wanted to check if IABU in the opinion of objective bystanders, before making a potential mountain out of a mole hill!

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 17/06/2013 23:55

OK,so it's not actually on his birthday but she wants to have a 'sort of' birthday drinkie poos with him?

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 17/06/2013 23:57

Nope, we are at another friends' wedding on his birthday, this is the first and only chance to celebrate it at the weekend as we are in our mid-thirties and (seriously) have ten wedding/christenings every other weekend all summer, all of which are outside London. It really is the only time we have to mark his 35th.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 17/06/2013 23:58

It'd be your dh sending the email, though, not you? If it were my dh; I'd like him to at least want to put her back in her box.

reelingintheyears · 18/06/2013 00:00

Is she an ex?

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 18/06/2013 00:00

I wouldn't like it. I would be penning annoyed missives to friends moaning about her - and very likely posting on here. Wink

But she may just be thinking to herself - someone has to send the messages out, it might as well be me.

It sounds to me like she's in a different life stage to you and your DH but just carrying on as before, regardless. If she's used to you not minding they spend time together, on their own and with friends that you are less friends with, she may not think it would bother you. It may not be territorial as such.

Is she someone you can see being friends with otherwise?

How else is she controlling of your DH? Like what other things does she do.

BackforGood · 18/06/2013 00:06

but can you imagine the thread, if, when sending out a "this is the day this year we are having our birthday drinks" e-mail to all the people she wants to share her birthday with, if she hadn't invited you.....

Sounds like she's in a 'no win' situation here. Nothing wrong with her wanting to invite lots of people to her birthday drinks, which you say dh has already agreed can continue to be a joint birthday drinks.

Genuinely can't see what she's supposed to have done wrong here.

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 18/06/2013 00:09

Reeling no she's not an ex. I did wonder when I first met her, but DH v quickly put me right on that score!

LadyH she is, which is why I've been trying to be patient. I also thought that despite the fact she's doing much better than us financially/career wise she might be a bit unconsciously jealous about where we are in our relationship - it certainly wouldn't be conscious as she is very secure/confident or very much comes across that way.

When I first got to know her, I tried very hard to be friends. She had worked for a major city firm and had come into a senior role in a charity - I had worked my way up through the charity sector, and so had hoped we would have a lot in common. But this hasn't really worked out very well in terms of having interesting chats about work, I'm not very clear about why.

In terms of controlling behaviour, this b'day invite is not an isolated example and something that happens quite frequently. The one time I called her on it she said something to the effect that DH is rubbish at organising things and they would never happen if left to him. I accept that a little bit (although he's pretty good at arranging all the other things he wants to do, and inviting people - he does leave me to do family and friend organising which is fine as we've got an agreed household division of labour!) He wants to continue being friends with her. I could leave it either way (mainly due to the constant solo holiday invites after we'd been together a while) but feel I should make the effort.

In short there's no attraction or jealousy really that I think is part of this (she now has a nice BF who we invited to our wedding) but think she is stuck in old patterns and am struggling to work out how to move both her and DH on from them without creating waves.

Sorry for War and Peace :$

OP posts:
Cravey · 18/06/2013 00:13

Wtf tell your dh it's about time to leave this friendship or slow it down. That would infuriate me. How dare she. It's very rude. Maybe sort out a celebration for the two of you and tell her that you have decided to sort our your husbands birthday. With the emphasis on the word your. She sounds slightly odd.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 18/06/2013 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hippohugger · 18/06/2013 00:29

Um, it's your DH's birthday. (Sort of.) So if he's pretty much okay with it, just go and have a drink and enjoy your friends. She's organised a birthday party - it is overbearing but if he's cool with it then what's the actual problem? I can see the solo holiday trips go wayyy too far. Smile But birthday drinks? If he's okay, you really shouldn't have a problem.