to be invited to husband's birthday by a friend?

[lessonsintightropes]

DH has a long standing female friend with whom he shares a birthday. They have been good friends for 10 yrs or so and before we got together 5 years ago always celebrated birthdays jointly.

She had been on holiday with him a couple of times as friends and after the first two years we were together got the message that her invitations to him only to go hike Kilimanjaro/visit the Galapagos (yes she is wealthy) were not that welcome.

A couple of weeks ago she texted him to arrange joint b'day drinks together, which is fine. What's not fine though is that they were in the process of arranging it and hadn't decided on a location (she will not be budged from X hipster part of London), and tonight she sends out an email to her friends - and me - inviting us to their joint b'day drinks. They had agreed a date but not location. AIBU to think this is a bit weird? Just to clarify DH has not agreed either time or location of drinks, and had not decided who to invite. The friend has included a number of 'our' friends on the invitation. Opinions v welcome... I do think she crosses the line quite a lot of the time.

I would be pissed off too.

I am sure her intentions were good and everything, but it would piss me off.

Have a good long talk to your husband about how it made you feel and go from there.

Personally if my DH was arranging birthday drinks with another mate I would expect to be told about it before the invite went out, seeing as I'm his wife, not just another mate. I would also think it strange and rude if he

Sorry hit post too soon. I would find it strange and rude if he made plans for the only free weekend in ages - as you've said this is - without even talking to me.

And I say that as someone who has, and understands, platonic friendships. I have male friends. I wouldn't dream of treating their wives like this. I think you need to trust your instincts on this OP - and I wonder why she's got your DH so wrapped around her little finger?

OP you are making an issue where there is none.

Friend and DH agreed joont bday drinks a date. Your DH didn't get any further with organising. Friend sorted it out. Simples.

Sounds like you are envious of her, and really, complaining about paying for a drink in a trendy bar is a bit right when you're going to 8 weddings all outside london...

If there is a problem here, it's not yours to sort out. It's your DHs.

If he can't be arsed to arrange a party that suits his own friends and wife, you can't get cross with someone who did.

I wouldn't want to be close friends with her but your husband obviously does or else he would do something about it.

I think YABU. The issue here is with your husband, he has agreed to plans being made for his birthday. You're the one unhappy about it, not him.

You sound a little control-freaky to me to be honest and trying to find reasons why it is going to be difficult for you to go when actually you just want excuses for why you shouldn't go. It sounds like you feel she is undermining your role.

Be gracious and accept the invitation. You can celebrate your husband's birthday another night, maybe not on a weekend, just the two of you. Maybe ask him what he'd like to do?

We can't all get along with everyone and perhaps you two are never going to be the best of friends. That's ok. Don't make this into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

She's rattled your cage and I can see why. Accept the invitation and go and have a fab party that you haven't had to organise the best kind

If she is trying to get one over on you, and she probably isn't, then doing the opposite of what she'd expect of you is the way forward.

Eight weddings? Crikey! Our record was 7 in one year.

I get narked when extended family take over important dates - especially our anniversary as O.K we may not be doing much but it would be nice to do it together rather than do what they want.

So in my view you are YANBU.

Point out the location issues with your DH - see if you can get him to send out an e-mail suggestion of a location that suits you and your friends a bit better perhaps listing the issues with her preferred location -travel, cost.

Maybe also re-think the 8 weddings in summer - it does sound like a lot and if the only free weekend is taken up with plans you not that happy about does sound like an expensive tiring summer with little time for you as a couple.

I would think a talk with your DH about how his friends behavior has upset you a little and how others of your friends have made some comments to you about it - and leave it with him to think about.

Next year have something booked up for your DH birthday or set in stone with him - so you don't have this issue next year.

I can see that OP might not like the arrangements that have been made, but from DH friend point of view they are at least half (and probably slightly more than half) arrangements for her own birthday drinks. Also, if you want something arranged, and wait for other people to agree, more often than not nothing will get done. So I don't think she's been that unreasonable.

Stay out of it. If DH wants a joint celebration he can organise the details with his friend. If he doesn't he should let her know now. She can go ahead with her party at the venue and on the date she wants and your DH can organise his own, or not, whatever...

Thanks for all the viewpoints - it was useful to help me work things out.

I spoke to DH about it this morning. He also thought it was weird that she'd sent the email and weird that I was on the 'to' list, but also thought it was reasonable that she wanted to put out her save the dates to her own friends - fair point. To avoid any awkwardness, we'll fit in this year and make separate plans next (we are already planning to be on holiday then anyway). As it's clear, she and I are not particularly friendly and I often have other plans when she asks us to do stuff (DH often goes, and am glad he does)... which is fine as far as I'm concerned, my point was just about being a bit cross about always having his birthday hijacked. As I mentioned, on the actual birthday this year we will be enroute to yet another bloody lovely wedding and having a night at a B'n'B en route - I am also surprising him for his birthday present with tickets to see his favourite band the night before, so it will feel like we've had some proper 'us' time before attending the drinks.

And to whoever was a bit snarky about attending 8 weddings... it's just unfortunate that so many of our closest friends decided to get married this year but I would way, way rather be there to help them celebrate and share it with them than either not attend, even if it does mean beans on toast and no wine for the rest of the month!

This is what Made in Chelsea is going to be like in five years.

yur dh should reply to all

'i've found a great place to go, not quite in X but it's a great place. See you all at XX!!'

If this was my husband I would tell him that I felt she was overstepping some boundaries and that I would prefer it if he cancelled the joint party (seeing as it's all on her terms anyway and seems to have very little to do with what your dh actually wants) and spent the weekend with me instead.

I would expect my husband to deal with her directly, regarding boundaries and also not to commit to plans without consulting me first.

She is treating you as if you are not the most important person in your dh's life and your dh is allowing that by letting her make plans for him and not consulting you first.

I wasn't being snarky about the 8 weddings if you meant me. We had seven a few years back, I was just saying that was our record...,eventually we get to an age when we have a funeral every other week too.

I still reckon you go to this party and be fabulous, enjoy your man's birthday celebrations with him and the friends that are there that are yours. I'd absolutely be as miffed as you if I were in your shoes.

Bumpotato sorry no I didn't mean you, someone else just said I seemed to have a problem saying no. I thought your response was v sympathetic actually, and thanks, I was a bit upset when I originally posted this. And I am following your advice thanks!

Of course this woman is overstepping the mark. It would be the same if it were a male friend.

Once a person marries the spouse takes priority over friends and other family and the birthday party of the OP's DH should not have been arranged without okaying the date with her. What if she couldn't make it. Would it go ahead without her. It's not as if it's actually on the day of his birthday after all.

And to send her an invitation to her own husband's birthday party, very rude and controlling.