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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be invited to husband's birthday by a friend?

67 replies

lessonsintightropes · 17/06/2013 23:28

DH has a long standing female friend with whom he shares a birthday. They have been good friends for 10 yrs or so and before we got together 5 years ago always celebrated birthdays jointly.

She had been on holiday with him a couple of times as friends and after the first two years we were together got the message that her invitations to him only to go hike Kilimanjaro/visit the Galapagos (yes she is wealthy) were not that welcome.

A couple of weeks ago she texted him to arrange joint b'day drinks together, which is fine. What's not fine though is that they were in the process of arranging it and hadn't decided on a location (she will not be budged from X hipster part of London), and tonight she sends out an email to her friends - and me - inviting us to their joint b'day drinks. They had agreed a date but not location. AIBU to think this is a bit weird? Just to clarify DH has not agreed either time or location of drinks, and had not decided who to invite. The friend has included a number of 'our' friends on the invitation. Opinions v welcome... I do think she crosses the line quite a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 18/06/2013 00:29

Sinister but what doesn't come across here is quite how much effort I have put into trying to be friends with her - including (unanswered) invitations to a girls night for the two of us after she had asked for some help with a job application and other situations. I totally accept DH can be a bit annoying when it comes to pinning down on dates - he is with me too! - but taking matters into her own hands just feels wrong. Maybe IABU!

OP posts:
Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 18/06/2013 00:34

And Hippo sorry the other thing I haven't disclosed - she lives in X 'hip' part of London where you can't get a seat on a night out or buy a drink for less than £8; we live 2 miles down the road in (from her perspective) surburban hell (from our perspective, stuffed with great pubs serving micro brews and nice things, which would keep everyone happy... apart from her). Between us is a really nice halfway house which I'd be really keen on (am really not up for hipster place, and neither tbh is DH) which she has vetoed as we went there last year. So it's X place or nowhere, as email has stated to all invited.

TBH the more info I give the more anxious I am that I am far more worried about this than I need to be - I just resent important times with my DH are railroaded by her.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 18/06/2013 00:37

Other point of view my arse.

You do not invite a persons wife on behalf of her own husband when he is a host,you leave that to him to do or it goes without saying that she is welcome

Doing so implies her attendance is dependant on your invitation

hippohugger · 18/06/2013 00:46

I get it that she's out of order, I really do. And I understand that you'll have to pay stupid money for drinks. But there's really only two options: DH pulls her up on it, or DH decides he's okay enough with her overbearingness to go along with her plans. Anything else, and you're nagging him into a decision he doesn't want to make. About something that doesn't really matter all that much. After all, we're down to arguing venue (he had already agreed joint drinks & date, right?). She sounds a fright, but is she such a one that you'll force DH to make a stand he doesn't want to make?

normaleggy · 18/06/2013 00:48

Am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for the friend? I have some very close male friends and I'd be devastated if they tried to end the friendship or 'slow it down' whatever that means just because they were no longer single. Do any of you understand the concept of platonic friendships? If this were two female friends and the husband was suggesting they slow it down or get rid you'd all be up in arms, calling him controlling and unreasonable. Are we supposed to forget friends if the opposite sex once we are married no matter how close we are?

Sorry op, I think you are the jealous one and you need to accept that this friend is important to your husband and will (and should) always be a part of his life.

HappyDoll · 18/06/2013 00:49

I totally understand the taking control and getting things organised...sounds like she's tried to get DH involved but he may be a bit rubbish at setting dates? I can also understand how it comes to be that you receive an invite to your own DHs birthday. She sounds really and potentially time poor...I'd do that sort of thing if fellow organisers were faffing.

What I don't understand is why she/they are still insisting on celebrating together? Unless they share all their mutual friends and are in the same 'gang' it's weird. And it sounds like its a non-negotiable tradition. I'd hate that if that were my DH and I honestly think I'd tell her to piss off!

HappyDoll · 18/06/2013 00:49

really busy

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 18/06/2013 00:52

We are saving before TTC, which understandably we haven't shared with her I think. But she has ££ savings and does not think about the fact that this is major expenditure for us, and most of DH and I's shared friends. We will also need to put a lot of ours up if they want to stay late. So thoughtless rather than mean, but inconsiderate nonetheless.

OP posts:
Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 18/06/2013 00:54

And Norma not jealous at all - just want to have some say in how I, my DH and our friends celebrate his bday, sorry if you think that is weird.

OP posts:
hippohugger · 18/06/2013 00:56

But DH has agreed to all this. He has chosen not to say anything and let her plans ride. She appears to be crossing your line, but not his.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 18/06/2013 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThirdTimesABrokenFanjo · 18/06/2013 01:46

Wow Op confused about some of the responses you have received.

Your dh hadn't arranged a place, you were both effectively invited to his birthday.

That is fucking weird, you don't seem jealous at all and I would say quite relaxed if you were happy for him to go on holidays with her after you got together. You just want her to step back, which seems pretty damned reasonable for the AIBU section.

For those of you wondering what the friend "could have done to get it right" the answer is discuss it with them first. Make sure they both were happy with the day, the time and the location. Especially as it is the Ops one weekend off, I realise it isn't her birthday but she can hardly give it a miss.

It's good manners right?

ItsAFuckingVase · 18/06/2013 02:23

I don't get what the issue is, TBH. Granted, the holiday invitations were very weird. But, your DH wants to have birthday drinks with her, the date was agreed already.... Not really sure why your wishes for his birthday take more importance than his own??? And surely it's common to send out a group email - it's not a though you've received a formal invite in the post, just an email with some details on it.

MusicalEndorphins · 18/06/2013 03:41

Perhaps you and your husband should check with each other before accepting invitations or planning events? I think the problem could have been avoided if he had simply said something like "Sounds like a nice idea, let me check with lessonsintightropes and get back to you on that"

Why not send out another e-mail yourself (after discussing it with your husband) saying the venue has been changed to . I'd send her a short e-mail telling her your intentions first, but send the new invitations out immediately and not wait for her reply. After all, she didn't check with either of you before she sent out the invitations.
It would irk the hell out of me, I think she is very forward, and for some reason, I guess a bit of possessiveness around my husband.

Meringue33 · 18/06/2013 03:49

V weird! I would tell her where to shove it.

Oh and I'd also politely decline some of the wedding invites, so you can have a proper summer holiday (I've done this on bad wedding years!)

Weasleyismyking · 18/06/2013 04:52

My male friend has 2 close female friends (myself and another). He is completely rubbish at organising things but does agree to dates and venues without discussing it with his wife.
Whilst I realise this now and am able to send both him and his wife (as well as my DH) a quick email checking details out of politeness as I know it used to upset her (although I do sometimes put a dig about having to sending the email because I know DF is so crap with communication even with his own wife). His other friend would just hear yes from him and go ahead with an invite, and the wife would be frustrated and give him a hard time.

Also - I like to get invites out ASAP as my friend's diarys fill up quickly, especially over the summer. You can always change the venue but at least the date is now in people's diaries.

shrugs

Oblomov · 18/06/2013 05:28

I too can not see what exactly she has done wrong.
Her strong organisational skills and getting on with organising stuff, seems to nark you, not your dh.
And what does he actually want to do? He needs to be strong and tell her what's what. Not you.
8 weddings? Maybe you should say no more!!

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 18/06/2013 05:37

Why is there any suggestion that you tackle her, this is your dh arrangement tell him how you feel and let him sort it out. Unless of course he is such a bumbling idiot he can't organize a piss up in a bewery?

helenthemadex · 18/06/2013 07:23

this would annoy me, she should have had the manners to ring up and speak with him or you before sending out the email, imo that it basic good manners. Even if its to say I have drafted an email we are going to xxx meeting at this time xyz are invited, is this all ok with you?

OP quite rightly feels that when and where her DP birthday is celebrated has taken over and that there is no choice

chrome100 · 18/06/2013 07:26

I think YABU. So what if they have a joint birthday? I think it's nice. And she is inviting you to your husband's birthday because she is organising it. I really don't see the problem.

nkf · 18/06/2013 07:35

Poor chap. Hopeless with organization. Never mind. Someone else will sort it out. Two people will sort it out. The arrangements, the odd emotional situation. All taken care of by someone else. Lucky man.

diddl · 18/06/2013 07:57

She's organised it that`s why she's done the inviting!

If it was left to your husband you probably wouldn't be invited.

Of course he should either be saying no or telling you straight away that she is organising drinks somewhere around X date & he'll let you know exactly when.

LayMeDown · 18/06/2013 08:32

I don't get the problem tbh. Your DH had agreed to joint birthday drinks on that date, so I fail to see how she has done anything terrible by organising birthday drinks for that date?
OK she has done a solo run on the venue, which isn't ideal. Although it sounds like there was a deadlock on that ans perhaps she just got frustrated and thought fuck it I'll just go with the place I like. After all it sounds like she went with your choice last year.
She invited your friends as well which is great, it would have been a bit off if she had just invited her own. If there is anyone you have forgotton then you can invite them yourselves. This is probably why she cc'ed you so you have the information and can forward it to anyone else. I don't see you being included on the mail as an invitation to you DH drinks, but as an FYI mail so you can see the details and who was invited. When I am inviting my family/ friends for BBQ/ dinner, I will cc DH. Not because I am inviting him to his own house, just so he can see what I sent and is in the loop for responses.
I think it is obvious you dont like this woman and are making an issue where there is none.

pianodoodle · 18/06/2013 08:49

I think it's more an etiquette thing.

Having the birthday drinks in itself not a problem, but the way it was arranged puts you in the position of being invited to your husband's birthday by his friend so yes that would feel a bit weird to me.

Oblomov · 18/06/2013 08:54

I agree with every word LayMeDown posted.

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