To not join in with the work place calorie fest...

[BridgetBidet]

I've returned to work fairly recently after maternity leave. I put a lot of weight on when I was pregnant, I've lost a couple of stones and still have a couple to go so I am dieting and exercising. I'm still officially classed as being somewhat overweight so I am trying to do this for health reasons rather than out of vanity.

Anyway, a woman started work in my department and she is MASSIVE, really unhealthily obese. But she's also a feeder, big style. The other girls in the department have noticeably put on weight since she started and the girl who sits next to her - in the space of my maternity leave she has gone from a size 8 to a size 18.

All this seems to be happening because the big girl is determined to feed everybody up and make them as big as her. They go out every single day (and I mean every day) to eat fast food at lunch time and every day she is pushing cakes, crisps, donuts and biscuits on you.

This is all well and good and it's their business what they eat and how much they weigh. But the problem is I don't want to do this. I don't want to eat fast food every day and I don't want to spend all day every day stuffing my face with biscuit and cake. Now this wouldn't be a problem but the big girl is getting really nasty about this and taking it as a personal snub, to the extent that my boss has told me she has complained to her that I am not working as one of the team and am removing myself from the teams group by refusing to take part in the lunches out etc. I don't mind going once a week but the last time I did this they wouldn't really talk to me because they seemed to take the attitude that if I wasn't good enough for them the rest of the week then they didn't want me there on one day. They seem to be equating my refusal to pig out with snobbery and thinking that I'm better than them but I really don't care what they do, I just prefer to be healthier.

The big girl in particular seems to be getting really angry about this, she really seems to have a mission to feed everybody up, I think it makes her feel better about her own weight to have other people around her be fat and having someone lose weight reminds her of her own shortcomings and frustrates her.

So am IBU, am I alienating myself from the team for the sake of something that's not worth it, should I just join in? Or am I right not to join in with the pigging out and stand my ground even though it's making my life uncomfortable. I feel like I can't tackle her direct about this as acknowledging the fact that she is big would be hurtful and make me look like a cow.

I didn't mean to be offensive, the language was just intended to be descriptive. I'm not judging her, I don't have any opinion on what she weighs or what she eats, it's got fuck all to do with me. The only problem is that she is trying to foist it on me.

As for the armchair psychology - she is getting angry about this so I can't explain it away as simply being kid or generous. And if someone reacts like that I think it's normal to consider why they might be behaving like that. If someone else can come up with a plausible reason why not joining in with the eating is making her angry then I would like to hear it.

I wasn't intending my 'psychology' to apply to all people struggling with their weight but in this specific instance it does appear to be this that's motivating her.

Anyway, I'm going to invent a mysterious illness or something and say I'm on a special diet for that.

I think a mystery illness or intolerance sounds a sensible way forward.

My dh works in an environment where people are constantly talking about diets/food combining/exercise regimes or popping to the shops for cakes for a 'treat'.

It's these sort of dynamics which made me so glad that I'm freelance.

Why would it not be true Soloman? We've had several people on the thread saying that they work with people who are constantly foisting junk food on them. We've also had several people saying that they could easily go from an 8 to an 18 in the space of a year if they were eating the sort of rubbish the OP's colleagues are every day. I've put on 5 stone in a year twice in my life and I wasn't even eating as badly as that - it was just a case of being a bit less active due to poor health and eating a bit more convenience food because I was too tired to cook a lot of the time. I definitely wasn't scarfing down doughnuts, crisps, biscuits and fast food every day.

Bridget, I think a good bet for a mystery illness is pre-diabetes. Tell them you had gestational diabetes and that your blood sugar is still elevated so your doctor has told you to avoid sugar and refined carbohydrates or you will develop type II diabetes. This will get you out of all of the fast food while still being able to eat a wholemeal sandwich or pasta.

do not let miss jabba-the-hut sabotage or undermine you!

as some said upthread there must be some legal ways you can fight back against her if she is going too far!

The idea that you have to lie about an illness so you can eat healthily is LUDICROUS. (Queen, not having a go at you at all, just furious at the idea that the OP has to have an excuse to eat healthy ).

Take part in 'Race for Life' or the like. Take in your sponsor form and when you ask for donations you can say that you are trying to lose your baby weight and that's why you don't have the treats or junk food and that you'd love to come out with them for lunch but is there any chance 'we' could rotate the cafe choice. Tell the team members this individually, your problem colleague last. Then they may even look at their own eating habits more differently too. If anyone is interested tell that it would be great if you could arrange a workplace team for the Race for Life and they could join you in a lunchtime power walk a couple of times a week and how super lovely they are for helping you out in this way, maybe we could even bring in fruit for our treat etc etc etc

Divide and conquer!

Yes, it's ludicrous to have to make up a medical excuse, but so are office politics .

There is no need to get rude or angry, or worse lie about medical issues you don't have.
When treats are offered, say 'Thanks but no, I'm eating clean'. If they keep pushing, remind them it will take a lot of hours of working out to burn it off, and you find it much easier to just skip the calories in the first place.

As this thread has made abundantly clear, food and body size are very emotive issues. Saying 'I'm eating clean' would be a red rag to a bull. I'd stick to saying that you are on a low-fat or low-carb diet for medical reasons. This is true - all the health advice from GPs, government etc is to keep/get to a reasonable body weight by watching what you eat and taking a bit of exercise.

Cortado, seems to have posted, backing up JuicySteaks view thta anyone who has objected is obese and has "due to insecurity over their own weight issues. ", yet 2 posters said they were not obese. So her post is a ridiculous as JuicySteaks was.
And I totally disagree with QueenStromba, that making up pre-gestational diabetes is a good Idea. As a diabetic I find that suggestion HIGHLY insulting.

SolomanDaisy posted the same thingI had earlier. I too do not think food is the core problem here.
Op has been upstaged whilst she's been away on maternity leave. The woman is now queenBee and they all go out with her to Lunch everyday. Everyday. And she brings in loads of food. Is she the only one who brings in food? Or do others bring it in too?
Op describes these woman as girls and says they are all followers, like sheep. She speaks of them very negativity. Do you really like these people?
When you did go to lunch they ALL ignored you. So QueenBee bullied them ALL into being nasty to you and ignoring you totally? REALLLY? She is that powerfull and they are all so spineless?
Then I suggest, if that really is the case, and this is not just your own insecurities and mentality, that these woman are vile, this is not a nice place to work, and even is you reported it to HR, nothing would change the real dynamics of this group, so I think it's best for you to leave, find a new job.

"Miss Jabba the Hut" !?

Just when I thought this thread couldn't sink any lower.

It seems to be almost "moral" to mock fat people, but the glee with which people like to get stuck into to a "weaker" target shows up the real motivation for such vitriol.

In fairness though Oblomov, if she eats all of the crap that the people in her office are eating she probably would end up with type II diabetes. Someone saying they have pre-diabetes when they don't doesn't affect anyone with diabetes because it is a illness that everyone recognises as being real. If anyone should be taking offense on this thread it's myself and other people with IBS since a lot people don't see it as being a real thing so people claiming they have it willy nilly to get out of eating something they don't want to just makes it seem more like a made up disease. Try telling waiters that you can't have any wheat because of your IBS and still end up with a hunk of bread on your plate contaminating your food because they think it's a made up thing. Or having to call in sick because you're likely to shit yourself if you get more than ten meters from a toilet and have people think you're just pulling a sicky.

gosh if that makes you feel better I'm over weight to

yes, she sounds as nasty as jabba the hut, evil.
never mind the rolls of fat

This woman is a bully for complaining about you for refusing to join in her gorgefests. Make a complaint about any nasty behaviour she displays toward you or attempts to encourage others to behave horribly. Don't give her an inch.

Respond to any insistence that you must join in with the groups compulsive eating disorder with 'no thank you, you eat what you want, I'll eat what I want, stop harassing me, I don't want to hear any more about it'.

Congrats on the weight you've already lost and good luck with losing the rest of it. It's particularly hard when you're surrounded by people trying to sabotage your efforts. Stay strong and away from the gorging, nothing is worth getting obese for.

Your colleagues will soon be finding themselves with a huge amount of weight to lose, at some point their family members or other halves will intervene to let them know how unhealthy and unattractive they've become. The feeder will lose her power when they choose to take control over their own lives, then they will do their utmost to try to distance themselves from her and her toxic influence. Don't let yourself be bullied into being poisoned in the first place.

I've experienced this - though thankfully not every day.

I found the days I was constantly saying no - when really a large part of me wanted to say yes to the tasty 'treat' - by end of day I was struggling to eat healthy outside the situation. On days I didn't have the near constant social pressure it was straight forward to follow a health diet.

There was at the time some research in the press at time suggesting that we have a limited amount of self discipline which people used up during the day. Not sure its true but seemed to fit my experience.

One person in work place did go down the allergy route - the feeder an absolutely lovely person though with serious health conditions related to being serious over weight made them 'special' food that took account of the allergy - which made saying no really hard for them.

When I no longer saw the feeder - I lost 1.5 st without thinking or doing anything different and I was saying no to the feeder about 95 % of the time.

OP - you have my sympathy it is a hard situation to deal with.

Really, the situation is shocking. For a start, how can people function properly eating like that all the time? A lot of people would start feeling really shit if they were stuffing themselves with sugary junk all the time.

Also, what if you did have a health condition? Aside from that, you can eat whatever you like and you shouldn't have to make excuses.

I've known a few skinny people in my time who would constantly try to get other people eat crap. So, people shouldn't necessarily take offense at the word feeder referring to overweight people. Feeders come in all shapes and sizes.

Can't you just say that you're on a diet to try and lose your baby weight? You could always throw in that your BP is borderline if you think they need more convincing to leave you alone.

Chipping actually there is a difference between "obese" and MASSIVE. At at 18/20 I am definitely obese, however I would not describe myself as MASSIVE. MASSIVE makes me picture people that are disabled by their size or have to get clothes specially made

And it most certainly would be possible to go from an 8 to an 18 in a year just because of a work colleague. I went from a size 12/14 when I got married to a 20/22 within a year. You also aren't factoring in the fact that once you start eating freely at work, it becomes harder to resist temptation at home. If you readily eat 5 doughnuts, half a packet of pringles and a greasy lunch at work it's fairly likely that you are going to stop exercising restraint at home.

My office is the opposite. Too many health freaks pushing their own food issues onto others. I eat well and exercise regularly so if one day I want to eat a cake or treat then I will but I also get lectures off colleagues telling me how many calories I'm consuming. I tell them to shut the fuck up in the nicest possible way

We do have a morbidly obese woman working with us who brings in cakes and shite. Her desk drawers are full of it and she leaves some on the end of her desk for the guys who work in her dept. Fair enough, her business etc. What pisses me off though is how she constantly goes on about not having touched any of it all day and how she's starving. We see her stuffing her face when she thinks we're not watching! She has some serious issues, I can only pity her. We tried to offer support once and invited her to join a lunchtime walking group but she declined. I think she needs professional help. My fear is one day she'll keel over at her desk. She's really young too, it's such a shame.

My mother is a feeder, and it gets so tiring saying no to everything she constantly foists upon you that you do just take it for an easy life in the end.

I'm so thankful that I work with only men! Nobody brings in cupcakes or anything of that sort. Occasionally if someone makes a tasty curry or something they'll bring it in and share out for lunch the next day. We have a weekly meeting that we have biscuits at. We all chip in £1 a week, probably less than half gets spent and the rest goes in a kitty for nights out. Also because of the work we do, we can't eat other than in designated break rooms so the temptation isn't there.

Before this I worked in an office with women and there was always some treat or other being pushed on everyone. I suggested having a treat day once a week instead, and fat Fridays were born. We'd each take turns bringing in a Friday treat and it worked brilliantly.

My own bug bear was listening to people harp on about their diets, Joan about how they weren't losing weight etc, whilst grazing all day on crisps, chocolate and Greggs.

Food has a lot of connotations. You see it on threads here - be it the control of anorexia or the comfort of obesity. There are a lot of unhealthy issues around food.

Going back a generation (or two) food had the 'love' connotation steming from rationing - you give sweet stuff because it is a sacrifice. To extend that point, when you are queuing in a supermarket, in the basket lane - take a look in an old person basket - 99% of the time it has a lot of sweet stuff in - I'm sure that stems from war mentality.

There was a thread last week about food sharing - its anthropological to food share - you share because you accept some one into your social group/they share because they want to be accepted.

Food and hospitality - traditionally if someone called at meal times, they would be offered a meal (fair enough today you're going to get a thread going dipso about people calling at meal times but that's how society changes), that is the hospitable thing to do. Maybe today they get a coffee and a biscuit if they're lucky.

Group gathering to eat - again social connotations across all cultures. there is a hierarchical pecking order sorted out round the table. Who makes the first move to pick a dish up? Very small but subconscious indicators. Bit like Lord of the Manor getting served first or a lion eating its fill then the lionesses, then the cubs.

There are many issues linked round food and some people do press the point, like the woman in the OPs story. By rejecting her food, and the social aspect of the group you are choosing to remove yourself from the group, it's like a self ostracisation. So many psychological implications around food.

Now this wouldn't be a problem but the big girl is getting really nasty about this and taking it as a personal snub, to the extent that my boss has told me she has complained to her that I am not working as one of the team and am removing myself from the teams group by refusing to take part in the lunches out etc.

What did you say to your boss? Because I'd have said 'are you paying? is it a funded team lunch? no? I can't afford to spend this level of money', then depending on the reaction of your boss (which presumably is going to be no, it's not a team building paid for lunch) I'd have said "you know, I feel quite harassed and harangued every day, someone else might call it bullying' and just leave that hanging in the air.

Depending on your relationship with your line manager, many good points have been made up the thread regarding sugar highs and lows, staff performance, health issues surrounding excessive weight. I'd be playing devils advocate and implanting those ideas in her head that the rest of the team are a bit work shy and don't perform as well in the afternoon when they are digesting large meals.

OK, not read all the pages - but - just have to say - from a size 8 to an 18 in a YEAR?! Is she having a gun held to her head and FORCED to eat what must be a sheer mountain of junk down her throat> No? Thought not. What happened to personal responsibility? Just. Say. No!
If the 'feeder's horrible with it when you say no, well then that's bullying and you need to report your side of it. Hardly 'not being part of the team' or whatever just because you don't want to shovel any more food in - you're entitled to say 'no thanks, I'm not hungry!'