Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not join in with the work place calorie fest...

183 replies

BridgetBidet · 14/06/2013 18:49

I've returned to work fairly recently after maternity leave. I put a lot of weight on when I was pregnant, I've lost a couple of stones and still have a couple to go so I am dieting and exercising. I'm still officially classed as being somewhat overweight so I am trying to do this for health reasons rather than out of vanity.

Anyway, a woman started work in my department and she is MASSIVE, really unhealthily obese. But she's also a feeder, big style. The other girls in the department have noticeably put on weight since she started and the girl who sits next to her - in the space of my maternity leave she has gone from a size 8 to a size 18.

All this seems to be happening because the big girl is determined to feed everybody up and make them as big as her. They go out every single day (and I mean every day) to eat fast food at lunch time and every day she is pushing cakes, crisps, donuts and biscuits on you.

This is all well and good and it's their business what they eat and how much they weigh. But the problem is I don't want to do this. I don't want to eat fast food every day and I don't want to spend all day every day stuffing my face with biscuit and cake. Now this wouldn't be a problem but the big girl is getting really nasty about this and taking it as a personal snub, to the extent that my boss has told me she has complained to her that I am not working as one of the team and am removing myself from the teams group by refusing to take part in the lunches out etc. I don't mind going once a week but the last time I did this they wouldn't really talk to me because they seemed to take the attitude that if I wasn't good enough for them the rest of the week then they didn't want me there on one day. They seem to be equating my refusal to pig out with snobbery and thinking that I'm better than them but I really don't care what they do, I just prefer to be healthier.

The big girl in particular seems to be getting really angry about this, she really seems to have a mission to feed everybody up, I think it makes her feel better about her own weight to have other people around her be fat and having someone lose weight reminds her of her own shortcomings and frustrates her.

So am IBU, am I alienating myself from the team for the sake of something that's not worth it, should I just join in? Or am I right not to join in with the pigging out and stand my ground even though it's making my life uncomfortable. I feel like I can't tackle her direct about this as acknowledging the fact that she is big would be hurtful and make me look like a cow.

OP posts:
PunkHedgehog · 14/06/2013 23:53

YANBU.

Your boss is though - a lunch break is just that, a break. It's not part of your working time (it's not usually paid) and you can do what you like with it. Your boss should be making that clear to the woman who complained, not passing the complaint on to you.

raffle · 15/06/2013 00:04

Sounds like it must be costing her a fortune. You could suggest that as a team you agree to abstain from the fast food at lunchtime, crisps and junk in the office. Put the money that each person saves each day into a kitty, and when you have a decent wodge, go out for a posh slap up meal.

Still food related so should keep the feeder happy.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/06/2013 00:19

Yanbu.

You are an adult and eat what you want, when you want.

If your team pressurise you it's not that much of a team.

Original poster
BridgetBidet · 15/06/2013 00:31

DrGoogle she is very popular anyway and very much the Queen Bee. But she has a very forceful personality and wants people to do things her way. Most of the girls in our team are that kind of girl who 'fits in' with what the group is doing as a matter of course. That's just the way they are. It's very difficult to suggest alternatives when she has such a powerful personality.

I'm just going to have to bring in healthy alternatives disguised as really naughty stuff.

OP posts:
samithesausage · 15/06/2013 01:11

I can be a bit of a feeder sometimes. When I worked in an office, on my birthday I bought cakes. The girl on a diet got a punnet of strawberries on her desk just so she wasn't left out.
Sounds like the feeder is being unreasonable. And your boss. You don't eat for other people's convenience. You eat because you are hungry. You eat what you fancy/want to eat.

LindyHemming · 15/06/2013 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

defineme · 15/06/2013 08:12

I'm of the opinion that it's your private business if you're on a diet. If I'm invited out, I just say that I have ibs/that kind of food disagrees with me/can't afford it/have work to do. If no thank you doesn't work for food being foisted on you then just leave it your desk and chuck it at the end of the day.
Can't believe how much she must be spending! You do need to reign in the 'feeder/big girl' comments, especially if this does turn into a bigger issue and you have to talk to management. Be dignified and polite at all times.

OrangeFireandGoldashes · 15/06/2013 08:18

FFS they're not "girls"! They're women!

FWIW, I wouldn't start taking in healthy snacks to share because that sends the message to the feeder that her making a complaint was effective and you now feel "forced" to join in / have seen the error of your ways after having been told of your supposed bad attitude by your boss. If you didn't have the cojones to put your counter-complaint to your manager at the time - pointing out that HER behaviour is bullying and that on the occasion you did choose to spend your (presumably unpaid) lunch break with them, they excluded you - I'd at least be doing so to HR.

This woman sounds rather manipulative on many levels - the feeding, the putting in a complaint first - so I would not be pandering to her by making it appear I endorsed the communal feeding frenzy regardless whether the offerings were SW snacks or fecking carrot sticks.

Mosschopz · 15/06/2013 08:24

Biggest Loser competition?

Eating junk everyday is ultimately going to lead to more absence as your colleagues get bigger and unhealthier so why not suggest to your boss that they initiate some kind of competitive health thing; Race For Life race training, Biggest Loser, or similar. Better still if you suggest it, YOU'RE the team builder.

Sh1ney · 15/06/2013 08:28

My office always has doughnuts etc on the go. I never ever eat anything like this at work so they rarely offer me now. Nobody makes a big deal out of it though.

I'm a size 8/10 and could quite easily stack on a few stone within months f I allow myself free rein with cake. It's just about discipline OP - continue to say ' no thanks , I prefer to eat healthily most of the time ' and then ignore.

She sounds ... Pushy and odd

Tee2072 · 15/06/2013 08:32

Are you 12? Speak up! To your boss, to the bully, to everyone in the office.

"I don't want to go out to lunch with you because I refuse to stuff that non-food into my mouth and body. Go somewhere I can buy a sensible lunch, perhaps I'll join you, perhaps not. My lunch time is just that, mine."

And say the same thing to the bosses.

Honestly, be a fucking grown up.

hurricanewyn · 15/06/2013 08:35

It's literally a box of Krispy Kremes, several packets of biscuits, a cake and a several family sized bags of crisps a day. Plus a burger or fried chicken meal on top of that and sometimes fried breakfast sandwiches.

That's about £20 a day Shock
I'd be bankrupt!

HollyBerryBush · 15/06/2013 08:38

We have staff room feeders too - the amount of cake and crap people bring in - there are some seriously unhealthy people out there.... it's like cupcake quicksand!

If you are in a sedentary job, eating several cakes a day, fast food etc will cause people to gain weight rapidly.

You can always see after the summer holidays how much people have lost purely by being more active and not having an endless stream of cup cakes thrust at them. Then the round of feeding starts again. There is a pattern to it - the armchair psychologist in me tells me that the September food run is all about acceptance of new colleagues/ingratiation of new colleagues - the January chocolate run is left over Christmas things brought in to clear cupboards, ditto the April cake fest, left over Easter food stuffs.

MarshaBrady · 15/06/2013 08:38

That is grim. Don't go to big fast food lunches whatever you do.

ClartyCarol · 15/06/2013 08:42

Why not just speak to the woman directly in private. Explain that you've been spoken to by your boss, and the only reason you've avoided the lunchtime outings to burger places etc is because you're trying to lose weight so you can get back into your pre maternity clothes. How can anyone argue with that.

If you do go along then have the salad option or a kid's meal, or just go along once a week and eat the same as them. Reiterate the reason for your healthy eating to the rest of the team. If they won't accept this then God knows what you can do. Surely they can't carry on indefinitely - they'll explode or have heart attacks en masse!

tak1ngchances · 15/06/2013 08:43

We did a brilliant thing at our work, where we each wore a little (cheap) pedometer clipped to our belt. It measured the number of steps we took per day and we had a target of 10,000.

Other teams sponsored us to do 10k each and then we donated the money to charity.

It kind of builds a good habit, to walk whenever you can rather than taking the lazy option. We've all toned up as a result. Maybe you could set up something like that?

LindyHemming · 15/06/2013 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 15/06/2013 08:47

Just say you have brought your own lunch in and can't afford to eat out.

TimeofChange · 15/06/2013 08:51

YANBU.

Don't go for lunch with them, even if you just bought a drink.

Why should you spend about £10 pw just to please a colleague?

I've seen people eat 6 bags of crisps each day at their desks.
An appalling amount of fat and shite to eat in one day, never mind every day.

Tell your boss that you will eat what you want to eat, spend your time how you want to and spend your money how you want to.

Is there anywhere 'nice' that you could walk to at lunchtime, so you get a bit of exercise and time off somewhere pleasant.

Whatever you do, don't start eating crap to appease anyone.

Best wishes to you.

Oblomov · 15/06/2013 09:15

"but I felt that this woman was treating her colleagues as a substitute for the bin" Shock

I see ,that alot of the Op's words and style of writing are very negative.
I mean, the new woman FORCED the woman sitting next to her,to scoff, 5 dress sizes, did she? Please.

Are you feeling upstaged by the new big woman? is she loud and jolly? and do people like he?. They choose to go to lunch with her, every DAY? They choose to, or she forces them? Are you jealous of her popularity?

I eat aALOT. Alot of heatly salads and meats, but also crisps and chocolate too. As a diabetic, my weight has been taken, every 3 months, for the last 40 years, when I go to clinic. I am not obese.
Does my eating bother you? If I eat alot. And you don't ?

I take things into the office. We all bring in cakes and doughnuts. You are not forced to eat.

HOWEVER, Speak to your boss. The womans complaints that you are not being a team-member, because you don't go to lunch, are ridiculous. You're are only a teamplayer/non-templayer, during worktime. Your boss should have had the sense to dismiss that. And put the woman right about her petty complaints about you not joining in.

aftermay · 15/06/2013 09:31

Stop calling people 'feeders'. It's generally a nice gesture bringing something in for your colleagues. Okay, maybe sometimes people are showing off with their baking skills etc but most often it's just something you do when you share office space. I bet you call the ones who never chop in 'tightfisted' or worse.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 15/06/2013 09:56

Oh God. I think my mum is a 'feeder.' Blush She's not overweight or anything, just very... Old Fashioned. When she worked many moons ago, every day she would bring in food she had cooked. She insisted I take 'a home cooked meal' to my friends for sleepovers as well. Blush

Though she never bullied people into eating, and rarely cooked junk; she just has a gentle heart. Any chance this woman is merely trying to include you in lunches that are normal for her? The colleague could have gained the weight from pregnancy, you never know.

Just trying to be optimistic. :) Maybe she doesn't see it as a food thing, but she feels you're isolated and trying to include you?

Okay, I'm grasping at straws here. I believe you that she's a bully and perhaps a control freak, but I find it hard to believe she is actively trying to make people morbidly obese. Confused

Pimpf · 15/06/2013 10:04

Sorry but not everyone who takes nice treats in are just being nice. There are feeders out there and if you have one in your office you know it.

Op, just carry on with what your doing, if a complaint is made again, stand up for yourself.

pigletmania · 15/06/2013 10:06

Yanbu at all, do not take any notice of her, I would lodge a complain via your superior and HR about her bullying, it is not on. Fair enough se wants to stuff herself to an early grave bu she has no right to expect and bully there's to. This behaviour would make me stick to,my guns mre

mrsjay · 15/06/2013 10:06

really a size 8 woman went up to a size 18 in the space of your maternity leave Shock are you sure you are not exhaggerating(Sp) a little it takes years to put on that much weight even if you eat chips and cake every day

Swipe left for the next trending thread