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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not join in with the work place calorie fest...

183 replies

BridgetBidet · 14/06/2013 18:49

I've returned to work fairly recently after maternity leave. I put a lot of weight on when I was pregnant, I've lost a couple of stones and still have a couple to go so I am dieting and exercising. I'm still officially classed as being somewhat overweight so I am trying to do this for health reasons rather than out of vanity.

Anyway, a woman started work in my department and she is MASSIVE, really unhealthily obese. But she's also a feeder, big style. The other girls in the department have noticeably put on weight since she started and the girl who sits next to her - in the space of my maternity leave she has gone from a size 8 to a size 18.

All this seems to be happening because the big girl is determined to feed everybody up and make them as big as her. They go out every single day (and I mean every day) to eat fast food at lunch time and every day she is pushing cakes, crisps, donuts and biscuits on you.

This is all well and good and it's their business what they eat and how much they weigh. But the problem is I don't want to do this. I don't want to eat fast food every day and I don't want to spend all day every day stuffing my face with biscuit and cake. Now this wouldn't be a problem but the big girl is getting really nasty about this and taking it as a personal snub, to the extent that my boss has told me she has complained to her that I am not working as one of the team and am removing myself from the teams group by refusing to take part in the lunches out etc. I don't mind going once a week but the last time I did this they wouldn't really talk to me because they seemed to take the attitude that if I wasn't good enough for them the rest of the week then they didn't want me there on one day. They seem to be equating my refusal to pig out with snobbery and thinking that I'm better than them but I really don't care what they do, I just prefer to be healthier.

The big girl in particular seems to be getting really angry about this, she really seems to have a mission to feed everybody up, I think it makes her feel better about her own weight to have other people around her be fat and having someone lose weight reminds her of her own shortcomings and frustrates her.

So am IBU, am I alienating myself from the team for the sake of something that's not worth it, should I just join in? Or am I right not to join in with the pigging out and stand my ground even though it's making my life uncomfortable. I feel like I can't tackle her direct about this as acknowledging the fact that she is big would be hurtful and make me look like a cow.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 15/06/2013 11:56

piglet sorry, I have no idea what you just said.

I will reiterate, however, that the OP does not need to lie about conditions or strict diets or anything else.

She needs to be an adult. And speak up. To the bully and to her boss!

Why is that so fucking hard to understand?!?!?!

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 15/06/2013 11:56

But how do you know the women disagreeing are overweight? Genuine question, no smarmyness intended.

I didn't find OP offensive, but I took umbrage to your post. I guess I'm just confused why you assume disagreeing=Obese

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 15/06/2013 11:58

JuicySteak - I am not engaging with you further, because I haven't seen a single post from you on MN that isn't designed to get a rise out of someone (which I have pointed out on other non weight related threads).

JuicySteak · 15/06/2013 11:59

Look, calling the OP 'vile' and 'nasty' and calling her to account for the word 'massive' as if she has just demanded we drown all fat women is clearly the mindset of someone who takes umbrage due to their own weight issues.

Concreteblonde · 15/06/2013 11:59

I find this whole concept so strange. In over 20 years of employment I have never experienced anything like the scenatio you describe. How on earth can 1 person have such an unhealthy influence over so many people ?

JuicySteak · 15/06/2013 12:01

Chipping, I am flattered you have done a search. Have you considered looking at the tone of your own posts?

CrapsWithBears · 15/06/2013 12:01

No, you are a bully and it's not the first time you've been disgusting to people on here either. The assumption that the people who have an issue with the OP are overweight or has issues with their weight is completely ignorant. Your fat-shaming language in response to people you know are overweight is absolutely bullying. Not that I expect any less from you.

Hiding this thread now.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 15/06/2013 12:02

I think I must be confused because I don't have weight issues. Confused I wish I was able to hold a tan and I wish my eyelashes were longer and.. And... But I don't have weight issues.

I'll bow out now because I do not mean to be frustrating. I apologise.

Tee2072 · 15/06/2013 12:03

Nice flounce Craps. But it needed more cursing.

This whole thread is pretty ridiculous. Notice the OP hasn't been back?

Remotecontrolduck · 15/06/2013 12:12

Just say no. It's shit but ultimately she's the kind of person who seems determined to make others do what she wants, and if it wasn't food it would be something else.

I'd just tell her that I'm on a diet, thus won't be eating the chocolate/crisps/whatever, and also that you won't be joining them for lunch. Bring in some fruit to share with your team. Also, if this is a particular problem for her, you'd be willing to discuss it together with management. I suspect if she has any sense she'll not bother embarrassing herself any further.

I tend to just be forthright with things like this. Not rude, but I can't stand skirting around trying to make excuses. I think you'll find a lot of your team feel the same way, just are too scared to say anything.

Lavenderhoney · 15/06/2013 12:13

Op, I think you must work in one of my previous workplaces:) I ended up leaving.

Going out every week for a team lunch would fill me with dread anyway. Once a quarter if enough and if its considered essential to the team the company should pay.

Just say you can't as you are a bit skint, but if you do go, order what you like. Why does anyone care? Just say " its what I like, how are your holiday plans?"

If there is cake just ignore it. I used to be told I wasn't a team player for refusing to eat my own body weight in croissants once a week, and one woman told me to get a life! I used to say " no thanks, I'm not hungry" or if pushed " I don't like cakes, never have". Some people see them as a treat, but if you don't then its quite hard to get that across.

Remotecontrolduck · 15/06/2013 12:23

I don't drink alcohol so believe me I'm used to saying no persistently.

(Not for health reasons or anything, I just genuinely can't stand the taste!)

I don't think OP has been rude, I think she's simply frustrated she's being forced into something which is very unhealthy by her team members. Losing 2 stone is to be commended, well done OP.

BlackAffronted · 15/06/2013 12:34

She wants to eat junk and crap food without feeling guilt or without feeling judged. Sharing it means she can eat guilt-free. You are not playing along, and making her feel judged. This is why she doesnt like you, you make her feel bad about the crap she eats. Only 2 things will change this ... 1. you eat her food, 2. She decides to eat healthily, then you will become her best freind.

Oblomov · 15/06/2013 12:39

Juicy steak still assumes that the posts who have disagreed with op are overweight.even though both SpecialAgent and I have both stated that we are not. So that crushes JuicySteaks ridiculous argument.

lljkk · 15/06/2013 12:43

Why don't I work somewhere where people foist donuts & cakes on you every day?

aftermay · 15/06/2013 12:47

I'm not overweight. I don't like the language used either, especially the relish in calling people 'feeders' and the armchair psychology of what exactly is driving them. I'll remember that next time I want to bring in biscuits after a holiday abroad. Or maybe just ignore the thread.

LaVitaBellissima · 15/06/2013 12:55

I went from a size 6-8 to a size 14 in 3.5 months Shock this was in my early 20's and I was travelling. I went from having an active job and cycling 3miles a day to get there, eating home cooked meals and lots of water, to living with other girls, being very sedentary and eating only junk food it is easily possible to gain weight quickly!

I soon wised up though and started eating better and exercising more and lost the weight again, 10 years later I'm a healthy size 10, it's all about choices.

Op why don't you start doing the couch to 10k, maybe getting sponsorship for a charity affiliated with your work. You could see if the other girls would like to start some lunchtime exercise Smile could be good for everyone.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/06/2013 12:55

juicy steak displays the posting style of a goady fucker, obviously I'm not saying she is one just that there are similarities :)

FiftyshadesofYoni · 15/06/2013 13:04

I agree with juicysteak, people just seem so touchy over certain words used by op to describe her dilemma.

She used certain words to probably help paint a better picture of the situation.

It's getting so taboo to even mention weight related issue's, but this a post about bullying re food/weight.

If it involved race/ gender/ disability the problem would still require some solution, not everyone getting defensive, can't people see that?

bettycocker · 15/06/2013 13:06

YANBU. Why should you put your health on the line to bolster the insecurities of someone who appears to have issues with compulsive overeating?

I used to work in an office with a couple of feeders, but nobody complained if people didn't want to join in.

I am Shock at your boss! Surely they would want staff to be healthy. I think you should be the one to complain.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 15/06/2013 13:49

It's getting so taboo to even mention weight related issue's

No, it's not, not at all.

There was no problem whatsoever with the (long lost) OP saying the woman is obese, once. There was simply no need to say, in addition to that, that she was MASSIVE (which she also capitalised for emphasis).

There are plenty of threads, boards in fact, discussing 'weight issues' :)

The OP (supposedly) has a weight issue - she can discuss that all she likes, she can even discuss how what other people do affect her - what she shouldn't do though, is make assumptions about other people's thoughts/motivations of which she is not privy, as though she is a specialist on the issues surrounding obesity - which she clearly isn't.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 15/06/2013 13:50

If it involved race/ gender/ disability the problem would still require some solution, not everyone getting defensive, can't people see that?

Yes - and if she was calling the person names and being vile, I'd call her on that too.

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 15/06/2013 13:57

Afternoon all,

Thank you to those who reported this thread to us - we've just been through and deleted personal attacks, as well as posts that repeated those personal attacks.

Can we please remind you all of our talk guidelines

trixymalixy · 15/06/2013 13:58

My sister went up from a size 12 to a size 20 in her first year at Uni.

Op I would just say you are skint and bring in a packed lunch every day, and bring in some healthy snacks to share.

cortado · 15/06/2013 14:02

Op has not been gratituously insulting, has made it clear she doesn't care about how other people eat merely that she is left alone to eat a suitable diet for herself. Yes she could have sugar coated one or two facts, but any offence inferred by the handful of readers is clearly the result of oversensitivity to the general subject area due to insecurity over their own weight issues. There is no need to abuse the op for failing to pussy foot around the facts.

Chipping, quite frankly the rudest post on this thread is your first one, making personal attacks on the op for no good reason. Not sure why you're surprised this bullying behaviour is not acceptable to some people.