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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my SIL??

288 replies

Sarah2506 · 13/06/2013 16:06

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

OP posts:
PorridgeBrain · 13/06/2013 21:39

There's a balance between setting ground rules and disregarding everyone's else's feelings

reelingintheyears · 13/06/2013 21:44

If i have to wait a fortnight before i am allowed to see my DGC i will be very sad,i will feel unnecessary and unwanted and i expect i will probably just leave them to it.

Everyone loses.

BegoniaBampot · 13/06/2013 21:45

Not being funny, but is this a class thing? Come from a WC town where all family usually live nearby. This would be unheard of, family would be so involved.

bottleofbeer · 13/06/2013 21:46

Yes, trackies. I don't think you ever really recover full feeling (like any scar I suppose) which makes recovery from subsequent sections a little easier. You just physically can't feel it as much!

trackies · 13/06/2013 21:49

If i have to wait fortnight to see my DGC, i will accept it, give them the space that they need (cos i will remember how i felt) and then go round when they are comfortable. Otherwise, i am setting self up for a power struggle with my DIL, and the only loser will be me !

reelingintheyears · 13/06/2013 21:49

BegoniaBampot Sounds like it.

I was gagging for my family to visit and DD wasn't an easy birth but what first baby is?

I'd be looking for them to be doing the cleaning and cooking and stuff.

Poor old Grannie.

landofsoapandglory · 13/06/2013 21:51

As a mum of 2 boys threads like this make me so sad. If and when my two have babies I shall be so upset if I am not allowed to see them as newborns.

When DS1 was born, after a very long labour and ventouse delivery, I travelled 190 miles when he was 8 days old to MIL's house so all of DH's family could meet him. His Grandparents were very elderly and couldn't travel so we went to them. We stayed for 3 nights, then travelled back via my Gran's because my grandfather had died 5 days previously. A few days later we travelled the 70 miles to my gramp's funeral.

I wouldn't have dreamt have not letting family, or close friends, meet either of my newborns in the early days.

ApocalypseThen · 13/06/2013 21:54

This thread makes me very grateful for my lovely sisters in law who, whatever their private feelings, didn't hurt my Mam like this when the little ones were born. She would have been devistated.

trackies · 13/06/2013 21:55

reelingintheyears "I'd be looking for them to be doing the cleaning and cooking and stuff." None of my inlaws or family (apart from my Mum) did this. Infact, FIL asked me to make him a sandwich. Are you saying that your visitors cleaned and cooked etc ?

Bowlersarm · 13/06/2013 21:56

Lovely sensitive post ApocolypseThen

reelingintheyears · 13/06/2013 21:59

Dang right they did Trackies.

I milked it (the situation aswell as the baby) Grin

reelingintheyears · 13/06/2013 22:01

JOKE.

But i did let them all get on with it,i didn't offer to make coffee or stuff,just pointed them in the direction of the fridge and the oover.

LtEveDallas · 13/06/2013 22:04

What a lovely thread Hmm OP had a baby less than a week ago, and she's been called selfish, unreasonable, horrible, over thinking, precious, controlling and demanding.

She's been told shes a princess, that she has to suck it up, that she can't be feeling that bad after a c section and given a list of all the ways that other mothers coped so much better than her

I think that's pretty disgusting. Since when did new mother wear "kick me" signs? She could be right in the middle of the 5 day 'blues' for all we know. How shit must she feel now?

I hope to God OP hid this thread after her last post. This is a fucking disgrace.

trackies · 13/06/2013 22:04

reelingintheyears good for you ! I told FIL that if he want a sandwich maybe he could go to shops and get some for us. He ignored me, and proceeded to wait for DH to make his lunch and cups of tea.

trackies · 13/06/2013 22:07

LtEveDallas i quite agree. If she said she had baby blues or PND would they all say the same and tell her she is being precious ?

I can really see why MIL's sometimes don't get on with DIL's, if this is the way people think.

MrsOakenshield · 13/06/2013 22:10

have to agree there have been some disgusting comments lobbed in the direction of the OP, who, unsurprisingly, hasn't returned and is probably in tears by now. Hope you're all proud of your superior, smug selves.

Newsflash: NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME.

BegoniaBampot · 13/06/2013 22:11

I think people have been quite polite actually given AIBU reputation which the OP probably is very aware of.

reelingintheyears · 13/06/2013 22:12

Well he sounds very rude trackies,i would have let him go hungry and thirsty.

I know what you're all saying but i just think it wouldn't hurt in this case to let the Grannie visit for a few hours,it's not like she's moving in.

The SiL could have worded her text better but in the end the OPs Mum would love to see her DSs newborn,tey don't stay newborn for long.

The SiL could have offered to drive Grannie down and then take her home again...who knows.

ExcuseTypos · 13/06/2013 22:12

NEWSFLASH the OP has asked if she's being unreasonable.

People have answered her question. Most have done so politely.

reelingintheyears · 13/06/2013 22:13

Sorry,the *DHs Mum

Figgygal · 13/06/2013 22:13

Sorry I think yabu to have your mum visit but not your MIL who is also a grandparent to that baby. I'm closer to my mum and could have probably not been bothered playing nice with mil when I first had DS but I did because its what you do. Ask her round but set the expectation that it's a short visit first time.

Oh and enjoy your baby Grin

BegoniaBampot · 13/06/2013 22:17

And actually, my PIL's came to visit and were the first family to see our firstborn. They also have been on several holidays with us and we have spent more quality family time with them. It's not obligatory to hate your inlaws.

MrsOakenshield · 13/06/2013 22:21

and some have done so pretty fucking nastily, without having anything like all the facts from the OP, who, as I said hasn't returned. I know this is AIBU but the lack of support for a new mother from other mothers is awful. How hateful some of you are.

trackies · 13/06/2013 22:21

reelingintheyears he is rude yes. I wanted to leave him thirsty and hungry but DH couldn't.
I can see your point too. It was just handled badly by SIL and her texting about MIL should not have to make an appointment. It would have been more helpful if she'd offered to bring her over for an hour, rather than turning it into a fight.

pianodoodle · 13/06/2013 22:22

YANBU at all. You are not being precious by asking for recovery time in the way you feel comfortable with, in fact I think for other people to try and guilt you during this time are being precious themselves and only putting themselves first whether they realise it or not.

A lot of people seem to forget how you feel after giving birth. I also don't agree with comments saying you can't allow your mum there for an hour but refuse your husband's mum. Some in-laws can be hard work and need to be entertained. You might be learning to breastfeed and maybe not feel like getting dressed either! Your don't feel as self conscious with your own mum.

As you say if she lives far away you'd either feel bad for only having a short visit or the other possibility is you can't get rid! A couple of weeks isn't much - explain politely and then don't worry about it. If you feel comfortable to have more visitors before then you can always change your mind but go with how you feel at the minute and try not to feel guilty. You don't need extra hassle so don't lament over it too much :)

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