To be annoyed at my SIL??

[Sarah2506]

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

Oh My Word!

Let Granny see the baby!
Let her bring a gift and take some photos!

In a few weeks your baby won't look like this any longer...

Butch - don't worry, you won't be shut out of DS's life/wife if you try to be an understanding MIL. I've been lucky to have a MiL who loves me, albeit who nonetheless pisses me off half the time. I've tried to note what she does right and what she does wrong so I can be a better MiL to my future DiLs.

Lesson one: don't treat them merely as incubators.

Yes, they have produced an adorable baby you want to see and bond with. Yes, in three weeks' time the baby will have changed. But the DiL may also be going through the most emotional and important month of their lives and should be allowed to manage that as they wish.

Oh and: 'If you are going to police visitors then I think that you need to be fair and not start by having a 'first' class and 'second' class grandmother'. This shouldn't be about grandmothers or about the baby. The mother is the individual who should come first. During pregnancy, childbirth and recovery. Childbirth is first and foremost an intimate and personal event, not a social occasion where women should feel the need to bend under family/peer pressure.

To say that a visit won't impact on the OP is unrealistic. If she, in her head, has an issue about it, then it is impacting her. She should be thinking solely about her baby, DP, and their new family unit.

Oh, and the MiL in this case is probably lovely and reasonable and yes, perhaps wants to see how DiL is doing. Makes no difference. As people have pointed out, all she's done is complain to her daughter which is fine. It's the silly SiL who is kicking up a fuss - she should have some sympathy and be a mediator instead of a troublemaker.

Sorry YABU, she should be able to visit and your SIL told you she was upset in a non-intrusive way. It takes ages to get the hang of feeding btw, start on the right foot and apologise, say she'd caught you at a bad time and that of course she can come but not to expect a lot from you! X

I think if OP has dealt with loss of a parent and the arrival of pfb in a short time frame, she may not be firing on all cylinders.

SIL may have overstepped the mark. MIL herself hasn't been badgering. If you feel up to it OP perhaps you'll feel ready shortly - maybe this weekend DH can fix up something soon.
Take care.

From what the OP says she actually sounds as if she is being considerate in not wanting to have someone come all that way for an hour as she would feel bad (be made to feel bad?) about asking them to leave.

She also mentioned that this person is someone she doesn't normally feel comfortable around for whatever reason so it isnt just the MIL being treated differently because she's the MIL.

Why are you all still posting when the OP was frightened off her own thread at 1630 yesterday?

Why are you continuing to badger an OP who is:

A new mother (of ONE week)

Who had a C Section for medical reasons.

Who has only ever posted on ante-natal threads and in the last few weeks has been posting about how scared she is.

Already feeling low

Who is trying to get the hang of breastfeeding

Feeling emotionally blackmailed

Is tired, emotional, sore and sensitive

Whose own motber only visited to AN HOUR whilst OP was STILL IN HOSPITAL and doesn't live OVER 2 HOURS AWAY

Who says quite clearly that My mum visited because she is local and I felt comfortable being basically half naked, in pain and in hospital in front of her NOT that her mother is more "entitled" to see her GC than her MIL.

Who lost her own father recently.

AND

Hasn't asked her MIL not to come, has just asked her to wait a short while

For all of you that would be terribly sad and devastated why aren't you putting the new mother first - didn't people put you first? Is that why you feel the need to belittle someone who is not coping as well as you did?

I hope op is ok, it can be very overwhelming being a new mother and in a time where there should be celebration it is sad that mil has took it upon herself to make it all about her.

Due to living 2hrs away, as op has said in her thread she would have to put her up, at present this wouldn't work as they don't have the room.
Breastfeeding etc isn't helped by having having over night guests cramping mothers space and intruding in a time she should be with her partner.
Her dm lives near by, so it was no problem having her visit as she can go home afterwards. Mil shouldn't be jealous of this, she chose to live over 2hrs away. If mil was upset she should have broached it with her son, not sil who should be minding her own business.

I don't understand all this desperate behaviour around seeing newborns, it should be mum reaping the rewards, not a family & friends free for all!

Pumpkin - that is how you see it. For many people it is very different and a time to share with your family. I had no family to visit with my first as they lived a long way off and they would have had to stay over a few days which I didn't want to deal with in the first week. Would have loved all my family to be able to pop round to the hospital or come to my house for an hour or so to see the new baby as was the case with almost everyone I know who have family nearby.

I really don't understand why folk think it is strange for family and friends to be desperate to see a new addition to the family unless there are serious issues going on.

I asked earlier if it was a class thing or perhaps cultural.

excellent post LtEveDallas.

Devasted - I ask you. I would be devasted if DH or DD was knocked down by a car and died. Not because I might have to wait a couple of weeks to see a baby. I might be surprised, or even disappointed, but devasted? What a ludicrous over-reaction, and talk about piling the pressure on to the OP. And I would hope that I would be considerate enough to make it clear that I would be happy to come when both parenst felt ready for visitors, and for as little time as they felt able to cope with.

And I say this as someone who gets on with her MIL very well and is always happy to see her.

But in a situation where the visit is going to last more than a few hours is very different from a family member that just pops by for an hour.

Oh ok then, two hours...

Thank you MrsOakenshield.

As I said before my Parents and PIL didn't get to see my 'newborn' until she was 8/9 weeks. In fact NO-ONE but DH and I and hospital staff saw her for the first 4 weeks.

No-one was "devastated" and when they finally saw her, she was still a 'newborn' to them, just a newborn that had a mum and dad who had adjusted to the incredible non-sleeping child, sucessfully established breastfeeding, had recovered from a horrible birth and copious amounts of surgery and were getting back on their feet instead of feeling overwhelmed.

I was obviously very very lucky that I have a wonderful MIL and Mum.

Right, so thanks for all your comments! I concluded that I'm being a bit unreasonable. DH incidentally was very supportive of my position. He has pretty much estranged himself from his family and ironically I'm the one that generally encourages contact!

So I emailed lots of photos- turns out she hadn't seem any which must have been awful and DH should have sent some. I spoke to SIL and said I took her point though her method of delivery was a bit off. MIL is coming for a short visit on Saturday now and seems happy.

I absolutely don't want to play favourites between grandparents but it does seem inevitable when one lives close that one will get more contact time. When DH goes back to work I'm likely to drive to my mum but not make the five hour trip to his as much.

I was amused by everyone who said 'cant she just come and sit on the sofa'. This would be fine if I hadn't snapped it with my massive pregnant bulk:-)

Sounds like a good compromise Sarah - hope you enjoy your baby!

Well done, that sounds like the perfect resolution!

Enjoy your new bundle.

Glad it's sorted Sarah.

Sarah, I think you've sorted it out very well. Your DH plays a part here and he will have to deal with his family more, it can't just fall to you.

Hope you are recovering well and enjoy your DD.

I hope you are feeling better Sarah and that you are getting the hang of BFing. I'm very glad you have the support of your DH, and that you had the strength to tell your SIL off

I hope it all goes well, and your recovery is fast.

(and no, 5 hours is NOT a good drive with a newborn, for you or her)

Sounds like you've made plenty of effort to accomodate. I have a similar situation where I think my in-laws feel I'm behind the fact they don't see as much of us as they want - when actually it's my husband who can never be bothered answering the phone to them and me saying he really should give them a call back... ;)

Sounds like a good outx

Yeah that's pretty much it. He is the oldest of six and felt like his parents had no time for him as all the others came along and so left twenty years ago and now has only sporadic contact. I do feel bad but it can't be my job to repair this when he's quite happy with it. It doesn't help that all the other siblings live close to their parents and we are the only ones who live a way away. MIL would obviously like to see as much of my DD as she sees of her other GC - three times a week if not more- but that's just not going to happen!

I always think its refreshing when people are mature enough to compromise in situations rather than going off on one. Good luck OP, sounds like its all worked out in the end.

I don't think you are bu.

I had ds by emcs, he was prem and very poorly. My parents came to the hospital for a visit, ( they were also dropping dd back off ) but I refused to allow pil near until we were back at home, I had rested for a week and was comfortable seeing them.

It's my house as I had a shocking recovery. Dp was fully supportive of me. They may not have liked it but tbf I dont like them so hey ho.

It's your choice op

Well done OP.

Sorry not sure what happened there. Sounds like a good outcome. No wonder she was having a moan if your DH hadn't even managed to send a photo! Hope the visit goes well. We're one grandparent lives close and the DCs seem to love them both equally.