To be annoyed at my SIL??

[Sarah2506]

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

Ha, lots of exaggeration going on too. The MIL doesn't want to move in, she didn't turn up at the hospital, she just wants to see the baby, oh my.

When my baby boys have babies themselves I would love to see those babies as newborns, to smell them and drink in that new babyness, then I will go back to my beach house and carry on drinking my cocktails, hopefully.

We're not talking about rights! we're talking about basic decency.

Luckily for you, as a mother of girls this won't affect you, you're the important grandmother after all.

The woman understandably wants to meet her grandchild who is - actually - every bit as genetically related to the baby as her other grandmother. I'd want to see mine while they were still newborn, y'know, my child's child and I'd want to offer my support to my son as well. No, he's not physically given birth but it's every bit as life changing for him too. But maybe all grandparents out there should just accept being relegated like that just by virtue of the fact it's only their son and not their daughter who is the new parent.

Oh and FTR I wouldn't just descend and to hell with my DIL's wishes, but then I'd hope none of my DIL's are ever that precious tbh. Oh and I do also have a daughter so this is not possible future bitterness on my part.

Sheesh.

As the mother of boys i really really hope I don't have daughters in law like AThingInYourLife

As the mother of 2 boys, I hope I will never be a MIL like the one of the OP. That I will be more understanding of my DIL feelings. And will not be intruding in the way they want to live their life in that way.

As YY to Visiting a person who has had major surgery is not about fairness, it is about what they can cope with.
A c-section IS major surgery and not everyone will be healing fast and easy.

Since when did having visitors post C-section include doing the can-can for them?

Sit on your arse while MIL cuddles the baby. People don't half over think stuff sometimes.

Lucille,
The Op has never said she didn't want her MIL to see the baby as a newborn. She said 'a little bit later, I don't feel quite ready'.
She hasn't had lots of people coming over to see her/the baby. Just her mum for ONE hour when she was in hospital (taking into account her dad has passed away recently so it must have been an emotional time both for her and her mum).

So why why would the MIL feel left out?

I don't understand why the MIL cannot just visiting the baby while the OP rests? am I missing something?

Also from the OP
I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while

So the issue was that the OP didn't want to ask her MIL to do a 5 hour trip for a ONE hour visit. She felt bad about that and at the same time didn't want to have her MIL for a long time either.
Noting that her mum hasn't visited her at home in that week either, I am failing to see how the OP is wrong in her intentions.

For me, the only error is to have have though that her MIL was coming, she then HAD to accept she was there for a while. When it might have been acceptable for her MIL to do a very long journey for a very short visit.

Yes you are missing the fact that she has just given birth to her sense of superiority now she is mother.

LadyInDisguise if you really don't understand why the OP's MIL would feel left out, you have no imagination. This baby is her new grandchild, just as it is the OP's DM's new grandchild - you don't have to do everything with absolute equality (length of visits etc) but common decency says that you do have to give both DGMs the chance to meet their new GC. That poor woman - and I'm not talking about the OP..!

Oh Lucille you are very good

YABU. Sorry but you are. I am not surprised she is hurt. And so will you be, when your son's wife does this to you.

Well here's an opposite view for everyone.

My mum and dad didn't see my DD (my first and only) until she was 9 weeks old. My MIL didn't see her until she was 10 weeks old

Guess what - neither mum nor MIL shrivelled up and died. When the met DD they didn't recoil in horror, they fell in love will her and barely put her down.

She's 8 now, they still love her, think she's amazing and would die for her.

Not meeting her as a brand-new-born hasn't harmed anyone

OP - Tell SIL to keep her beak out and tell MIL that you can't wait to see her, once you and the baby have recovered from the birth in a couple of weeks

There's only one of her. The OP can cope with her company for an hour. If it was 13 inlaws including second cousins threatening to descend whip back the curtains of the bed on the labour ward it would be different.

All the arguments about "fairness" and "being left out" are stupid and unreasonable but I can totally understand why SIL would feel that she needs to intervene on her mother's behalf.

Have read all posts and am coming to conclusion my mil is posting here as she's (batshit crazy) looking very familiar from a couple of comments....

Yes you are missing the fact that she has just given birth to her sense of superiority now she is mother. what ? where did you get that from ? maybe it you that is projecting LucilleBluth ?

really Dackyduddles ? who is your MIL on here ?

I only have boys. These threads make me quite sad. I also live 400 miles away from any family, my own and inlaws. Would have loved to have all my family and my husbands be able to pop in at the hospital for an hour or to our home for a few hours to share our new baby. Instead I had a few friends at the hospital, even some folk brought along I had only met once.

Why can't you let your Mil pop for a visit for a few hours? Unless she is abusive or totally vile - I really don't understand. Where I'm from all family rush to see the baby, it's a huge exciting occasion. mumsnet is so fucking miserable.

I honestly just don't understand why mumsnet is so anti visitors, I loved showing off my PFB despite an horrific labour and lots of episiotomy pain, when feeding was horrendous. I also enjoyed watching how happy DH's entire family were to meet the first of my DS's generation.

I get that some visitors can be a bit tiresome, but I'm not sure I've ever come across such an anti-social bunch.

How about your DH texting his mum and sis

'I understand you really want to see the new baby but we really just need some time to bond, sleep and recover after such a hard birth. Sarah is feeling very sore and sensitive, so it would be great if you could bear with us for a while'

YABU the minute you let your mum see the baby and not her.

I totally understand the surgery etc.. and your sil was out of order but you unlevelled the playing field so to speak so I think the onus is on you to put things right.

I feel sorry for your mil to be honest and its not often I can say that

How would you feel if your sons wife wouldn't let you see your grandchild for a few weeks? Children at that age change so much.

I've had 3 c-sections and my in-laws actually saw all my children before my own mother. That's just how it worked out.

Having my second child who spent a week in NICU actually cemented my relationship with my in-laws. They dropped everything to come and help with my eldest whilst I was in hospital.

If your DH just explained you're not up to having someone stay for hours then I'm sure your mil would be fine with a short visit.

There is something very special about newborn babies and that newborn stage doesn't last long.

Congratulations.

Tbh sitting on sofa for a few hours what your mil cuddles baby is hardly an ordeal. I do think you are being precious. Yes I agree having her to stay would not be ok but coming to see you is perfectly understandable. I can see why your sil said what she did even if she would have been better to keep her nose out.

OP only wants MIL to wait until baby is 3 WEEKS. Her own mother only visited for ONE HOUR when OP was still in hospital.

OP doesn't want MIL to travel for 2.5 hours this week for a visit lasting one hour, then travel 2.5 hours home. If MIL comes later on OP will be feeling better and MIL can stay longer.

Can someone tell me why a visit when baby is one week old is better than when a baby is 3 weeks old. What is the difference? Do babies grow horns at 3 weeks or something? What can you do/see when a baby is one week old that you can't do when it is 3 weeks old?

Formica, that's a great text.