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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my SIL??

288 replies

Sarah2506 · 13/06/2013 16:06

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

OP posts:
trackies · 13/06/2013 22:23

Begonia you are lucky to have some inlaws that you get on with.

Frawli · 13/06/2013 22:28

Haven't read all comments but I can understand where you are coming from OP. I also had a unexpected section with my first and would have preferred my in-laws didn't visit for a bit but I wouldn't have asked them to stay away from meeting their grandchild.

I think it would have been better to let her come, with the caveat that you're not up to long visits. It's understandable that she feels hurt and rejected by this, and to be fair it doesn't sound as though she was going to call you on it.

SIL is BU, it's understandable that she is upset with your decision but you've just had a baby and can do without the upset. Your hubby was also BU, why did he show you the text? He needn't have.

BegoniaBampot · 13/06/2013 22:30

Am I lucky? Or does Mnet just give a skewed opinion on inlaws. Know very few folk including family and friends who have the sort if terrible issues with inlaws that you read about day in and day out on Mn. Makes me wonder where the problem often lies TBH.

bottleofbeer · 13/06/2013 22:31

I've not seen anybody say how much better they did? how could any of us possibly know anyway? she might be supermum for all we know. Handling things differently doesn't make anybody better or worse. I've got a friend who pops one out and six hours later is in jeans doing the school run. I liked to play the dying swan. Doesn't make her any better, just different.

trackies · 13/06/2013 22:35

Really ? i know quite a few friends / family who have inlaws issues.

GibberTheMonkey · 13/06/2013 22:55

These threads always make me sad
I love my dm, I also love my mil so know how a good mil dil relationship works
I have 3 sons though so I am bound to end up getting hurt aren't I

bottleofbeer · 13/06/2013 23:09

No Gibber, I think this might just be a MN thing tbh. It becomes so ingrained that after you have a baby everyone has to completely defer to you on everything; after all you have just had a baby. Sensitivity? of course. Expecting everyone to walk on eggshells? a bit entitled.

I honestly have never head of this stuff happening in real life.

ExcuseTypos · 13/06/2013 23:11

Neither have I Bottle.

bottleofbeer · 13/06/2013 23:22

I do feel for the new father's in these situations. You know when you love someone and see them in pain and you just want to take it away from them even if it means doing it yourself? well they've just been through that. It's too often only seen as a physical thing but I remember my husband as I was in recovery with tears streaming down his face because he was torn between fear and relief. If he wanted his parent's support at that time who the hell am I to prevent that?

Sorry, I'm being hateful again Hmm

Binkybix · 13/06/2013 23:27

There's no mention in the OP of the DH here feeling the same way your DP did. It sounds as though he supports OP in this, although I might have it wrong.

In real life I've had a few friends who've had a tough time asking for a little bit of space. Didn't cause a problem because the grandparents were big enough not to want to put their feelings first.

IAgreeCompletely · 13/06/2013 23:28

Brand new babies are incredibly adorable Smile. There is something that is so totally amazing about them. I would love to see any of my DC's babies as soon as possible but I know that it may not happen like that.

bottleofbeer · 13/06/2013 23:47

But the new father rarely gets a mention anyway.

It's always "it's your time, your baby, do what's best for you" but there usually is another new parent too isn't there?

Cravey · 14/06/2013 00:15

I think after looking at this again that the point is the op knows she is excluding the mil, and maybe is feeling a tad guilty. I would be gutted if I hadn't seen my grandson when he was tiny and newborn. I shall also now be thanking my lucky stars tht I have a lovely dil. Not all of us mil types are evil bitches. It seems to me that on here is all oh it's your baby hon, do it your way hon. The husband did have a part to play here and it's his family who want to see the baby.

Inertia · 14/06/2013 01:01

I think the thing that depresses most about these threads is the number of people who seem to regard the new mother as some kind of baby vending machine, which is not fairly dispensing paid-for goods if they don't have the baby available for inspection at all times.

New mothers are not robots , or mechanical incubators - they are real people , with their own medical issues (perhaps PND, or birth trauma ) . Sometimes they need some help to recover from a pretty undignified and painful event from someone they trust and know well, such as their own mother. I'd feel pretty hurt if family members ignored me and trampled over my medical needs in a bid to call first dibs on the baby.

In this case I think the best thing would be to arrange for MiL to visit for an hour or so, ideally with SIL driving MIL about.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 14/06/2013 01:36

90% of these threads wouldn't be written if the grandparent was the type who made it clear that they'd be willing to do a big round trip for a short visit, come with some meals for the freezer and generally keep it low key.

Lots of these grandparents had babies in the days when you got at least two or three days and often a weekbin hospital (my own mother had a week - despite an easy birth - in the 80s, which is unheard of now). You could get the initial visit done in an environment where the new mother was protected by visitor numbers, limited hours and not being in a position to have to make the tea or feel like you'd need to get things tidy.

For what its worth my maternal grandmother saw me immediately. We never had much of a relationship. The other one, for various reasons, didn't see me until I was six weeks old, because she was abroad at first and then my mother felt hugely reclusive with difficulties breast feeding, infected vaginal stitches, etc. She never held it against mum and we had a brilliant relationship, one of the closest of my life. The newborn cuddles are lovely but in the grand scheme of things they are a tiny tiny part of the bond.

MidniteScribbler · 14/06/2013 02:15

I would be beyond devastated if I weren't allowed to see my grandchild for several weeks.

I can't see where the MIL in the OP has done anything wrong? She hasn't shown up at the hospital demanding entrance, she isn't camped on the doorstep with a years supply of luggage. She isn't even ringing up demanding a visit. All she has done is expressed to her own daughter that she is disappointed not to have been allowed to see her grandchild. Perfectly human reaction.

I've really never heard of anyone in real life restricting access so much for immediate family. I wonder if they'll turn around in a few years time wondering where their village is?

worsestershiresauce · 14/06/2013 07:17

"I do feel for the new father's in these situations. You know when you love someone and see them in pain and you just want to take it away from them even if it means doing it yourself? well they've just been through that. It's too often only seen as a physical thing but I remember my husband as I was in recovery with tears streaming down his face because he was torn between fear and relief. If he wanted his parent's support at that time who the hell am I to prevent that?"

Well put.

Also my DH was so proud and delighted he wanted to show off both DD and me to his parents. That was nice actually, it felt good.

exoticfruits · 14/06/2013 07:33

These threads make me terribly sad and I agree with MidniteScribbler - MIL hasn't done anything wrong, merely told her DD that she is sad to be excluded. If you are going to police visitors then I think that you need to be fair and not start by having a 'first' class and 'second' class grandmother. Why not just point out that you want a short visit and leave it up to her to decide whether it is worth it? I would certainly do a 5 hour round trip to see a new grandchild. They change so quickly in just a few weeks.

ButchCassidy · 14/06/2013 07:46

YABU
And a bit precious
No one expects you to be up doing a jig after having a baby but not letting your DH's mum meet his first born is a bit harsh.

Having a DS Im well prepared to be shut out of his life after seeing all the negative MIL threads on mumsnet

FasterStronger · 14/06/2013 07:55

this thread is further proof that: whatever the MIL does is wrong.

too interested in the child
not interested enough in the child
interested in the wrong way

OP not letting your MIL see her DGC, is just the first of many things you will do to make it very obvious to your MIL she is the second class grandmother and your DHs family come second to yours.

pianodoodle · 14/06/2013 08:01

MIL hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but OP hasn't either.

My husband made a good point after I had first baby - if you sustained the same injuries (some mums are luckier than others in that way) people would be a lot more sympathetic towards you lol! I understand wanting to see a new baby but I also understand feeling like a pile of shite and that some visitors might be more helpful and less of a "chore" than others :)

GibberTheMonkey · 14/06/2013 08:10

My mil would come and see me if I had had any other major op too.
She would turn up bearing my favourite drink, fruit, chocolates, and her credit card details so that I could watch tv (and various other presents)
I know this because I had a crash section with prem dd and she did just that. She didn't even come to see dd because she couldn't.
Perhaps mil cares about dil too and wants to know with her own eyes all is ok.

diddl · 14/06/2013 08:14

This is the whole thing though-seeing MIL shouldn't be a chore as her son is there & she wants to see the baby.

It shouldn't have any impact on OP beyond whatever input she wishes to give.

Hopasholic · 14/06/2013 08:23

Lucky you.

My MIl rocked up in the recovery room after I'd had my C-Section Angry

Let her come, set a time frame, and consider that one day, you might be a Mil yourself to this little one. How would you feel then?

It's probably causing you more stress batting her off, bite the bullet and invite her over Flowers

Sallystyle · 14/06/2013 08:28

What is it with people waiting so long before having visitors? I don't know anyone IRL who did this either.

I do not understand. How bloody hard is it to have visitors. You don't have to entertain them, you can have a bath, get on with something or just sit on the couch and relax. Where is the hardship? It isn't like having a visitor for 30 minutes is that hard work.

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