To be annoyed at my SIL??

[Sarah2506]

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

I couldn't wait to meet my nieces, the first babies born in my immediate family apart from my own since their mother (my sister) was a born.

I'd have travelled two and a half hours to see them for an hour, no worries.

If it was my grandchild, I'd walk two and a half hours to get a glimpse of their face. Remember that moment you looked at your baby and just fell in love? be it five minutes or five months after the birth, this new baby is an extension of that child and you want to be there and support them as well as meet this precious new baby. Surely?

Yeah, I'd be very bloody hurt if the maternal grandmother was allowed to meet the baby while I was being asked to stay away. He/she is half of my child too. As a woman, who has also given birth I'm not about to be shocked of horrified if my DIL isn't looking her best or god forbid, has her left boob on show. I'd hope she knew that and didn't feel awkward around me. Although obviously she'll always feel more comfortable in front of her own mother, not denying that. The paternal grandmother is not some stranger off the street. She's your husband's mum!

Agree bottleofbeer

LtEve "Can someone tell me why a visit when baby is one week old is better than when a baby is 3 weeks old. What is the difference?"

The difference is waiting for 2 weeks, knowing you are not not welcome.

The vast majority of people on this thread think the OP is BU. It really is not normal to forbid a grandparent a visit for several weeks.

Because babies are pretty much the most exciting thing that happens to most of us, and by extension, the babies of our babies. To have to wait that long would be very hard, although there are, of course circumstances where that would be the case.

bottleofbeer, is all very well you saying that you wouldn't be shocked or horrified if your DIL had her left boob on show. Just because you live with a man, doesn't make you automatically comfortable with their Mum. Op has already stated that she doesn't get on that well with MIL. I didn't want to get my boobs out infront of anyone (my family/friends or DH's). I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't even want to see MY family or friends early on apart from my Mum (to help me), but we did have visitors in hospital and at home in the first week. I could have done without it though.

We're not denying that grandmothers dote and want to see their GC. Just that if OP is really in need of some space to recover (cos she can't face several hours visit), that the visit be postponed by 2 weeks.

Surely a grandparent can put their needs aside for the OP for 2 WEEKS ?

I'm due in a few weeks and have told everyone I don't want visits in hospital or in the week or two after giving birth to let us all get the hang of things. It hasn't gone down too well but we're sticking to our guns!

I don't think you were unreasonable at all, don't let anyone stress you out! You need to spend time as a little family unit at the moment not pander to grannies!

I'm not disagreeing with you trackies. I was very young and very awkward about it all when I had my first, I didn't BF because a little bit of me died inside at the thought of anybody seeing my boobs so I do get it. The OP could quite simply feed the baby in her bedroom if she's that uncomfortable around her MIL.

And this MIL is putting the OPs needs before her own, she's not pushing it but I do understand why she's upset and has told her own daughter she's upset.

Recovery hurts, I know it does and yeah ok I'm only speaking for myself but after four sections I reckon I can confidently say the very worst of it is well over a week PP. Mothers of sons just suck it up. I think it's mean.

"pander to grannies" how nice .

In this instance we are talking about one Grannie, who wishes to visit for one hour. Not exactly strenuous.

Sil needs to mind her own beeswax and yanbu re your mil.

bottleofbeer , so we agree, MIL is not pushing it. I agree that can see why she would be hurt, and therefore confiding in SIL is fair enough.

Glad you get the boobs thing. I did feel v uncomfortable at lots of people watching me have my nipples pulled and tweaked by midwives in hosp (like i was a cow), and think i would have had a better chance at BF is lots of people were not sitting about watching. I gave up within a couple of weeks as nothing was happening. Felt guilty about it.

As for the csect. I think i had a better csect recovery than some as commented on by midwives. But some mums i know struggled afterwards with the pain for weeks, and it really affected how they felt.

Sometimes it's not just the csect pain, it's the labour, a bad pregnancy, a lack of aftercare in hospital, lack of support from DH or DP, the whole thing! Everyone has a different experience.

ExcuseTypos OP has stated that MIL will probably be coming for whole day as she lives far away

I find the whole concept of no visitors for a couple of weeks very very strange.

I did retreat to my room with my 3rd as my 2nd had chicken pox but wonderful in laws stayed and looked after everything and everyone. Delicious food was prepared, cleaning and ironing done.

This no visitors thing - its a recent thing isn't it? I don't know anyone in real life who has done this.

Formica, then MIL could rightly text back stop being so bloody precious.

Of course no one will DIE if they don't see their grandchild as a newborn. BUT the potential to make someone happy, the possibility of preventing hurt, the chance to start to build a better relationship with MIL...to do the Right Thing...outweighs the mild discomfort of having to put up with someone who gave birth to the child's father.

I agree with MrsCampbellBlack. Share the joy.

Turn it around & imagine the same scenario in 25 years time but with you as the MIL. How would you feel if you were discouraged from seeing your grand child.

It's been handled badly by all concerned but not too late to rectify the situation. Can you book your in laws into a b&b/ hotel for a night so you have all got a bit of space & they can take it in turns to see the baby. Use the opportunity to sleep/rest while they come for cuddles, they are your child's family as much as your dm is.

Yay yay MrsCampbellBlack it is very precious. A baby should be a joy for the whole family (sorry if I sound about 90)

trackies no, the Op has said the MIL only wants to visit for a short time.

MostlyCake

I honestly think that is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. Sharing your newborn baby with your family is a lovely, lovely moment. We are not meant to have children in isolation.

I really hope that you don't regret your choice when they then choose to stay away at other times when you deem their presence allowable.

Sorry but I too think you are being unreasonable. You are being quite open that the reason for treating DM and MIL differently is about YOUR relationship with them. This should be purely about THEIR relationship with their grandchild where they should be treated fairly and equally.

I get that they are 2.5 hrs away but surely the logistics are for them to work out. You make it clear that its only practical for them to visit for a couple of hours and won't be able to stay with you and then its down to them if they a) make a 5 hour round trip for a couple of hours b) find a b&b to stay in nearby or c) wait a few weeks when they may be able to stay longer/stay with you

I'm sorry but as a mother of two young children, I just don't agree that everything should be dictated to by the woman who has given birth. Yes some births are traumatic and in those circumstances it is reasonable to ask for a bit of extra time (I.e a day or two to recover with no visitors) . it's also reasonable to ask for the first day to be about the nuclear family bonding and no-one else visiting but asking key family members to say away for weeks?? I expect becoming a grandparent is 2nd only to becoming a parent and would be mortified if I were stopped from seeing my DGC for even a few weeks.

I'd say anybody still in significant pain or discomfort after a week has some kind of wound infection. Yes all experiences are different but the body heals remarkably well and one week PP the initial pain should have subsided. Although my recovery was longer and more painful after labour and EMCS.

I don't think that OP has said anywhere how long the mil wanted to visit for? I think the suggestion of one hour comes from the fact that the mum visited for one hour, and a few posters have suggested that a short visit has also been suggested for mil.

In normal circumstances I would agree to have visitors as soon as possible and make sure both sides can meet the baby, and to be as considerate as possible about people's excitement.

However when someone just feels like they need a bit of time for physical or emotional reasons, I think it's pretty childish to demand that everyone is treated exactly the same otherwise it's just it fair. It's a few weeks and the grandparents are adults who should be able to put their understandable disappointment aside.

Same here bottleof beer. Recovery was alot worse for me after long labour and EMCS. Not as bad after planned csect with dc2, but i also had knowledge on how to look after baby, use the sterliser, wash the bottles, deal with crying/meds to take after not pooing for few days etc. Everything was a breeze second time round. I was a Mummy Jedi !

First baby, and i was a complete and utter mess ........for months.

Bloooooody hell...YADBUNABIT.

Jeez,let Grannie visit the wean for an hour while your Mum sits upstairs and looks after you.

Then send them both packing on the next bus out of town.

Awww you are being v u.

The granny has to be allowed to see the baby!

YANBU!!
Do what you want and stick to it.
You set the ground-rules now, or you will regret it later.

Nooooooo Pinkflip....

Grannies are the devil incarnate,do not let them anywhere near the poor darling babby.

Grannie will feed the baby froot shoots and Greggs sausage rolls before it gets it's fist sip of breast milk.