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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for money for DS's Christening?

56 replies

PurplePidjin · 13/06/2013 09:13

DS will be christened in September, aged 10 months. When he was 5 weeks, dp had a stroke and he has received a lot of support from the Stroke Association. DS doesn't need silver plated cutlery or birth certificate holders, so I was wondering if IWBU ask for donations to the charity instead? I would also have a list of books on standby for those who preferred to get something for the baby.

So, AIBU? And if not, how do i phrase it?

PS we're having a bog standard dunking in the parish church, with tea and cake at my parents' afterwards much as I'd love St John of Lewis and St Mark of Spencer to give me a new wardrobe

OP posts:
ThisWayForCrazy · 13/06/2013 09:16

I think it's a great idea and I can't imagine anyone would say no.

Be honest, say what you've said here, that you'd rather a donation to the charity after what's happened to your family.

Umlauf · 13/06/2013 09:18

I don't know... Its a lovely idea and knowing your baby doesn't need anything I'd personally prefer to give to charity, especially to a charity close to the family's hearts, but a lot of people will want to get something for the baby as the day is about the baby and not your DP.

Whilst I think it would be lovely to ask for donations, I haven't a clue how you could word it without taking the focus away from the baby and so personally I wouldn't, sorry.

Congratulations on your baby though Smile

MaxPepsi · 13/06/2013 09:22

I was about to come on and say YABU, however I don't think asking for a charitable donation in lieu of gifts is Unreasonable at all.

BUT, people will still want to buy traditional gifts and may already have done so.

Put a card in, say: As many of you are aware, shortly after DS's birth, DP had a stroke and thanks to the amazing work carried out by the SA, DH is still here and able to celebrate DS's christening with us all.
In view of this, we have decided to have a collection for the SA in lieu of christening gifts. We hope you understnad and appriciate our reasoning for this.
Love Purple.....

SilasGreenback · 13/06/2013 09:23

Could you talk to the vicar about having the collection split between the church and the charity? I'm sure I've seen collections split before. Then you just say on the invites that there will be a collection in the service for the charity and don't need to mention gifts at all.

drinkyourmilk · 13/06/2013 09:28

Beautifully put MaxiPepsi

MaxPepsi · 13/06/2013 09:39

In fact, if I was invited, I'd buy a gift and make a donation butthen I'm a bit soft like that Smile

BigPigLittlePig · 13/06/2013 09:41

YANBU pidj - I would much rather give money than some tacky ornament (I'm not an ornament sort of person) that will gather dust in a cupboard, and if that money is going to a charitable cause, then even better.

fromparistoberlin · 13/06/2013 09:42

as its a charity, NBU

IAgreeCompletely · 13/06/2013 09:42

Perfectly put by MAXI

I think it is a lovely thing to do.

I hope you have wonderful day Flowers

Concreteblonde · 13/06/2013 09:44

Maxis wording is perfect. We had donations to the childrens hospice instead of christening gifts. A few people also gave small presents as well.

AgnesAndTheOthers · 13/06/2013 10:46

I usually am more than happy to donate to charity in lieu of a gift, however in this case I agree with Umlauf "...the day is about the baby and not your DP". Sorry OP, I think YABU.

StuntNun · 13/06/2013 12:21

Can't you give people the option, let them choose whether to make a donation, buy a gift or both. I would prefer to make a donation and buy a small gift for babyPidj, as you suggest a book would be perfect. Definitely have a list of books or an Amazon wish list set up or you will get a dozen copies of the Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Ragwort · 13/06/2013 12:27

I think MaxPepsi's wording is excellent.

We also didn't want any presents when DS was christened, quite honestly we had received so many gifts when he was born that we were totally overwhelmed. I just put something like 'no presents please' on the invitation and most people respected that. Our DS had received a lot of hospital treatment due to a serious problem when he was born and one or two people did offer to make a donation to the hospital that cared for him, I suggested that they did it direct (no idea if they did or not).

I know people like to say 'the day is about the baby' but really, how many money boxes/silver cutlery/napkin rings etc etc does a child really need? Hmm

DeskPlanner · 13/06/2013 12:34

Yes, what Max said is perfect.

DeskPlanner · 13/06/2013 12:34

Yes, what Max said is perfect.

DeskPlanner · 13/06/2013 12:34

Yes, what Max said is perfect.

Original poster
PurplePidjin · 13/06/2013 12:34

How about:

As many of you are aware, when I was 5 weeks old my daddy had a stroke and thanks to the amazing work carried out by the SA, he is still here and able to celebrate my christening.
In view of this, I would like to have a collection for the SA instead of gifts to say thank you for helping us. We hope you understand and appreciate our reasoning for this. If you would prefer, Mummy has a list of books I'd like to read.
Love PidjChick

Too twee? Many "official" invitees are elderly family members who may choose to post a cheque instead of travelling.

Thanks for all the input Thanks

OP posts:
MumofWombat · 13/06/2013 12:50

We did something similar for DSs second birthday. He was diagnosed with LQTS when he was a day old, had a pacemaker inserted at 9 days old and we were told that the odds were we would lose him before he was two. He has responded very well to medication and to celebrate him 'beating his original prognosis' we asked for donations to the heart charity that supports us. He still got some pressies as well as donations - and he already has so many toys he didn't need a truckload of new ones!
We used wording similar to Max.
The donation will go to SA in your sons name (I assume!) so to me it still is a gift for your son.

Chocovore · 13/06/2013 13:12

I don't think gifts are to be expected for a Christening, and if they are it is to celebrate your child being welcomed into the church family. I don't really see the connection between this and donating to a charity of your choosing. Sorry.

ll31 · 13/06/2013 13:15

Think yabu to make any reference to gifts tbh.

ratbagcatbag · 13/06/2013 13:24

Hmmmm tough one, my dd is being christened next month and people have asked what to buy, I've suggested gift vouchers/money as I don't want lots of different picture frames etc that I can't put up, so with any money ill get, I'll buy her one very special keepsake and put some money in her bank account. I'm not sure why a donation to charity for your dp is relevant, it's about your baby, so surely any money given should be put away for them.

Original poster
PurplePidjin · 13/06/2013 13:38

I know we'll get gifts from family because i know what they got me for my christening 30mumble years ago. And, in some cases, my parents' 60+ years ago. I don't expect gifts at all, especially from friends, but can be certain that several family members will expect boundless gratitude for tasteful silver plated money boxes etc. Others will write cheques. These are relatives in their 80s+ now, who abide by set traditions. I live in a small flat which, with the accumulated junk of 2 adults plus one baby, is bursting at the seams. If i get money made out to me (as we did for his birth) i will be tempted to spend it on nappies (cloth) and clothes - acceptable for birth money, not for christening money IMO. There isn't spare in the budget for savings, either for us or ds, what with dp being on long term sick, and i don't want the money squandered.

OP posts:
RocknRollNerd · 13/06/2013 13:38

I've posted the wording we used before and I think a few people said it was ok - if it's useful feel free to tailor it for why the SA is important to you.

Personally I think the 'my daddy' type wording is a bit twee but you know your family best so they might be fine with it.

Our wording was:

We?ve invited you to JuniorRnRN's Christening because we would like you to share in his special day. Whilst we do not expect you to buy him a gift, we know that some of you may wish to do so. If you don?t have anything special in mind for a present, please consider making a donation to Save the Children in lieu of a gift. JRnRN is a very lucky little boy who will hopefully never want for anything in life; by making a donation to Save the Children, you can help make a difference to the life of another child who is not so fortunate.

This left scope for people who really wanted to buy something (his academic god-father got him a beautiful King James bible for example) but meant we didn't end up with 9 silver money boxes....

We raised about £250 in direct money from cards and a few others donated directly I think...

DeputyDeputyChiefOfStaff · 13/06/2013 13:48

I'm another who wouldn't expect to give or receive Christening gifts, sorry. Not unless I were Godmother or aunt, anyway. Having said that, if you're expecting that people will buy gifts I don't think it would be offensive to ask for donations to charity instead.

Original poster
PurplePidjin · 13/06/2013 13:49

Ooh, nice one RnRN.

I also suspect that some of my not-terribly-well-off elderly rellies would be happy giving a fiver to charity but would feel obliged to give more to us iyswim. 9 silver money boxes would strike me as wasteful tbh. 9 £5 books would be amazing, and £40 to the SA would do loads!

OP posts:
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