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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for money for DS's Christening?

56 replies

PurplePidjin · 13/06/2013 09:13

DS will be christened in September, aged 10 months. When he was 5 weeks, dp had a stroke and he has received a lot of support from the Stroke Association. DS doesn't need silver plated cutlery or birth certificate holders, so I was wondering if IWBU ask for donations to the charity instead? I would also have a list of books on standby for those who preferred to get something for the baby.

So, AIBU? And if not, how do i phrase it?

PS we're having a bog standard dunking in the parish church, with tea and cake at my parents' afterwards much as I'd love St John of Lewis and St Mark of Spencer to give me a new wardrobe

OP posts:
Original poster
PurplePidjin · 13/06/2013 13:50

Ha, times tables fail - £45 Blush

OP posts:
ratbagcatbag · 13/06/2013 14:38

Hmmmm the more I ponder this, the more I yABU it's not your money to gift to charity, it's your babies money, if you're worried about squandering it, if you get £100 then buy a premium bond as you may get some return. If you want to give to charity ask for yours or dp birthday or Christmas gifts to be given as charitable donation. But not your babies money, that's theirs to either put away or buy a collective present with from everyone.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 13/06/2013 14:45

I don't know what the etiquette is - I'd expect to take a present so wouldn't be offended to be guided by the recipients, but the feeling on here tends to be that it's greedy to address the subject.

I wouldn't write it as if from the baby though, that's too twee for me. I've got friends who would, though, and I'd see it as one of their foibles rather than anything bad.

Flossie82 · 13/06/2013 14:55

YABU.

Why do you need to say anything? Sorry, but if people want to bring something, they can. If they give money, you are free to do what you like (although on this occasion, it really should relate to your baby rather than your DH). If they give your child a gift, it is becausse they want to and perhaps they enjoy choosing it.

On the other hand, if anyone specifically asks what they should give, you could tell them you'd appreciate a charity donation.

Putting it in the card indicates you expect everyone to bring a gift

Flossie82 · 13/06/2013 14:57

Oh, and DD got several books and no silver money boxes for her christening.

Xmasbaby11 · 13/06/2013 15:00

I wouldn't expect a gift list for a christening! So I don't know how that would come up.

AThingInYourLife · 13/06/2013 15:05

yabu

It's rude to tell people what to do with their money (or even suggest) and just because it is for charideeeeeee doesn't make it less rude.

If people ask you what you would like as a gift you are free to tell them.

Oh and the note "from your baby" is boaksome.

fruitpastilles · 13/06/2013 15:19

YANBU at all pidji my cousins little girl had whooping cough at 2 weeks old and spent a 3 weeks in intensive care. For her christening my cousin and his wife did exactly what you are planning on doing, with the donations going to Birmingham Children's Hospital. If your family and friends are anything like mine, whilst you certainly don't expect a gift, you know that they will get one anyway, and I think donations to the SA is a lovely thing to do.

ratbagcatbag · 13/06/2013 15:33

The thing is fruit, that relates to the baby who was christened, this is babies dad, it's different, if pidji and dp want to gift to charity it should be from their money, not from their babies money.

florascotia · 13/06/2013 15:34

I once went to an event where the invite said something like:

'No presents, please, but our favorite charities are xxxx and xxxx.'

No-one was at all offended, so far as I recall.

If you chose the Stroke Association AND a children's charity, then givers who felt strongly that any christening gifts should relate to the baby could donate to the children's one.

neontetra · 13/06/2013 15:36

I think it is ok to do this - our friends (who are absolutely loaded) did something similar, only the charity was one which had helped their son at birth, I seem to recall. I wasn't massively offended or anything, though we actually gave a gift as we had already purchased it before getting the invite. A large part of me does think, though, that people do not always give gifts as a matter of course at christenings, so this could seem a tiny bit presumptuous (though I know you don't mean it to). Would it be better just to tell people to donate if they directly ask you what they should give?

ENormaSnob · 13/06/2013 15:52

I wouldnt mention gifts at all tbh.

Unless asked obviously.

Sleep404 · 13/06/2013 15:59

^^ what Enorma said

Eskarina · 13/06/2013 18:45

A variation of asking the vicar to split the collection, which may or may not be allowed, is to ask for there to be a "retiring collection" after the service which means that the normal collection is taken (usually churches will state explicitly that this collection is for members of the church and guests are not expected to contribute) and used in the normal way for the church, then there will be a collection bag/box/plate at the exit after the service for donations to your chosen charity. You can then add a tiny note to the end of your christening invitation rather than a long explanation and eliminate the ref to gifts altogether, something along the lines of

"Please note there will be a retiring collection for the stroke association after the service in recognition of the appreciation we have for the work they did following dh's stroke. Thank you"

Depending on the denomination of the church (this was very common in the Methodist church I grew up in, not seen it done in the Baptist one I currently attend, have heard it a few times when visiting C of E) this could be very standard and you might even get church members unconnected with you and DS giving a few coppers as well.

CloudsAndTrees · 13/06/2013 19:48

I don't think it's ok, even if it is for charity.

People turning up and asking for money on your doorstep is not ok just because its for charity. People annoying you in the street and asking for money isn't ok just because its for charity, and this isn't ok either.

Lots of very charitable people that believe in christenings actually think it's important to give something to the baby. You shouldn't tell then that they can't do that but that if they do it has to be a pre approved list of books. It is really really rude!

This is about your baby, your baby's relationship with God, your baby's relationship with other people in your lives. It's not your thing to dictate, even if you are his Mum. It completely defeats the point of a Christening if you do.

primallass · 13/06/2013 20:26

Saying that the day is about the baby really means 'the day is about the guests who want to buy a baby gift'. I would much rather donate - go for it.

Original poster
PurplePidjin · 13/06/2013 23:20

Eskarina, that's a fab idea! Doesn't solve the problem of how to not receive silver plated tat (i know my family) but hopefully people will do that instead of gifts, or buy cheaper gifts therefore more likely to be practical not "decorative".

A bit like asking for donations instead of flowers at a funeral, which is a normal request to me.

I'll arm my parents with a list of books in case people ask what we'd like. I was never going to include a list with the invite Shock just guide people away from keepsakes we have no use for. My mum offered me my silver spoon to use to wean ds, it's been in a box in a drawer for 30 years. Such a waste! i declined, i prefer stuff that goes in the dishwasher

OP posts:
apostropheuse · 13/06/2013 23:34

YABU

It's presumptuous and rude.

BabylonReturns · 13/06/2013 23:40

YANBU

When we got married, our reception was at my parents house, and instead of a gift list, or money for our honeymoon, we asked everyone to bring their own drinks and a donation for cancer research.

We hung donation buckets around the marquee and in trees, and we raised over 2k for cancer research, but we also received money in almost all of our wedding cards as well.

No one was offended, and I think the fact that we asked for donations to charity made people want to give more IYSWIM.

SauceForTheGander · 13/06/2013 23:47

Yanbu. I can't see how anyone would be offended by the suggestions of giving to charity.

I hope you all have a lovely day and hope your DP is feeling ok.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 14/06/2013 00:05

Hi Pidj :)

I'm right there with you on the 'not needing birth certificate holders and 20 silver money boxes' cluttering up the place! but I'm not sure about the money going to the SA? It just feels a bit like you are making this about DH and not about DS (even though they have helped DS have his DH - my own brain is a bit confused by how I feel! LOL).

I think any money you get should be directly for DS.

I don't see how you can deflect the tat without mentioning presents, so I think you'll just have to bite the bullet and do it. Something along the lines of 'Presents are neither expected or necessary :) However, knowing you all so well, I know some of you will still wish to bring DS something. Unfortunately as you know, we don't have the space for decorative items or silver tat traditional christening gifts but we do love reading to DS and a new book is always very welcome'.

How's DP doing?

Onesleeptillwembley · 14/06/2013 01:04

It's a lovely idea, but to be honest it's more what you'd ask for yourself, for your birthday or anniversary. The day is about your son, I'd leave it. Glad your dp is ok, though.

Bryzoan · 14/06/2013 01:58

Hi pidj, I'd love to say yanbu... But I'm not sure you should be making the christening about dh. It is about your son. If you really don't want gifts you could say 'no gifts please". You could then do something fun as a family to raise money for the SA when life has got a bit easier. If you do do it I quite like maxpepsi's wording. I would not word it from your son as it doesn't sound real from him. Hope you all have a really lovely day whatever you decide.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 14/06/2013 02:05

It's a nice sentiment but the invitation should not even allude to the possibility of a present except a simple ' no gifts please' line if that's the genuine preference. I think people have moved beyond the traditional silver christening gifts anyway. Ds seemed to get mainly books, crockery or premium bonds.

HullMum · 14/06/2013 04:21

For a charity? No yanbu.

If it were just a cash grab I'd think you were an asshole