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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be 43 and totally fed up with my day to day life

140 replies

snowyowl70 · 11/06/2013 22:41

Busy working mum of 3 living in a very cramped house with very messy kids, a Labrador who constantly makes a mess and a husband who quite frankly I am struggling to see that I can live with for another 40 years ! He is very selfish in terms of prioritising his leisure time which means I basically get none as I am either at work or dropping kids off, feeding the hoards or cleaning/washing/ironing. I feel like "me " disappeared years ago - I can't even remember what I used to like doing so if I did have time I wouldn't know what to do. We don't have family near by to help out so I feel totally trapped in an existence which is perfectly ok in a lot of ways ie we don't go hungry, the house is warm but I find no enjoyment in my own life. I enjoy my kids successes and achievements and love them to bits but AIBU to want to enjoy life a bit for me at 43 when kids (17,15 and 8) aren't tiny and totally dependent on me ?

OP posts:
Squitten · 15/06/2013 10:38

The beginning and end of your problems OP is with your pig of a husband.

Your last post about the way he behaved while you were in pain in hopsital is appalling. You do understand that he's a total pig, don't you...?

Shinyshoes1 · 15/06/2013 10:40

I've taken inspiration from this thread and a new rota has been drawn up all agreed and everyone has chores to do daily

marriednotdead · 15/06/2013 10:53

Another one who thinks your DH is the problem If ever I'm ill or hospitalised, he's really antsy Angry

You have to learn to say no, I'm doing xxxx today/tomorrow so you'll need to do yyyy. And ignore the disapproving response.

I had a complete meltdown a few weeks ago after spending forever being Superwoman cum Cinderella.
There has been a rota for chores for a long time (teens) and woe betide anyone who forgets theirs. But my 'leisure time' and days off are spent shopping and doing domestic shit rather than sat on my arse watching sport and it needs to change.

Little by little things are shifting. They will of course resist, but you, me and everyone else that's posted here, have as much right to be happy as the rest of your family.

Original poster
snowyowl70 · 15/06/2013 11:35

Have just had a mini moan and been told that if I want an argument I can have one because he tries to help !!!?????!!!!! And when did I last cut the grass anyway ? He cannot see that he does bits (and I mean bits) when he is here but he isn't here much - that is the point !!!!! He prioritises his leisure and that means by default that I pick up the slack !!! I couldn't imagine the luxury of someone else washing and ironing my clothes, planning meals, cooking meals, tidying the kitchen after me when I left crumbs, then cleaning the house so that all I need to do is work and play ! I can't face thinking about a break up as I don't want that but this wasn't what I signed up for when I agreed to love and cherish and for him to do the same for me. He couldn't care two hoots for me as long as I get on with stuff and have sex with him - because he still fancies me ! Well, I find it very hard to fancy him and even harder to summon up the energy to do it !!

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteagain · 15/06/2013 11:48

Can you afford a cleaner OP? I couldn't cope without one but realise it's a fortunate choice. Personally I'd forgo the takeaway and a bottle of wine for two hours cleaning. Curry meal asda for 4 about 10-12 I think. Takeaway round here for 4 about 35 - 40.

You need to do less. Do a spreadsheet with time spent on each job. Colour code what you do and what he does and stick it on the fridge. Include your paid working hours and his too.

Chin up - go and treat yourself to a hazlenut latte and gooey panini x

YoungBritishPissArtist · 15/06/2013 11:52

Your H sounds like an entitled, selfish prick Angry

I'm tempted to suggest checking into a hotel for a few days and let them cope! Your family, particularly H, probably don't realise how much you do for them.

I recommend reading Wife Work. There's also a brilliant book on assertiveness by Anne Dickson, I think it's called 'The Assertive Woman'?

mercibucket · 15/06/2013 12:04

i am Shock and Sad on your behalf. my dad is like this. he is 70. life was like that then and my mum didnt work.
you are 43, best part of life ahead of you, definitely sort this out

what do you plan to do? what would work best for you and your family? cleaner? rota? give up work and do the housewife role? (wouldnt suit me but it is a valid choice if it makes you happy ) get him to swap housework tasks with you?

the clue to his attitude was in the word 'help' you with the housework.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/06/2013 12:07

Discussions won't work .

Next sat just go out for the day put it in the calendar.get your hair done and do some clothes shopping.

Tell your H that its happening. If he is arsey about it then tell him thats what he does every weekend but do not back down.

marriednotdead · 15/06/2013 12:16

Can you get away for a few days on your own? Long distance family (too far for a day trip) will do if money's an issue. And 'forget' to take your phone Grin

I've had annual holidays for a few years now, with mum, friends or siblings. The first time they protested but believe me, they realise just how much I do when I'm not there doing it!

I understand why you would stay. But I've heard a really good expression- if you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get.

Change. But be prepared to dig in your heels and not back down. The someone that always gives in doesn't have to be you.

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 15/06/2013 12:42

God he sounds appalling Sad Angry

I wouldn't put up with a tenth of this and neither should you.

He's not enjoying his status quo being rattled is he? Hmm

Take charge of your own destiny because tbh he doesn't give a shit.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2013 14:21

He tries to help... We used to say, when I worked at rehab, trying is lying. Or as Yoda would have it, "do or do not do there is no try".

You are obviously different to me. If my DH said if I want an argument I can have one because he tries to help I would tell him we could certainly have an argument, or a reasonable discussion, his choice. He is fighting back and you haven't even changed the game yet. Which means he doesn't want to change and you being upset doesn't bother him enough to try. Nice.

Dozer · 15/06/2013 18:01

As others have said your big problem is your husband.

But while you think about how to deal with him (relationships board is good!), you can make yourself more time immediately. Getting a cleaner is a good plan.

stop ironing your H's stuff, cooking his meals, tidying, or indeed anything to do with your H, he can do it ALL himself. You are not his skivvy.

Decide what you feel you should reasonably do for the DC, and what chores they should do, and inform them of the changes. The older ones shouldn't need financial incentives to iron their things, the incentive is that if they don't they will wear creased clothes!

Get box each for him and DC and just chuck their stuff (lying about in house) in it, stick it in their rooms.

Just stop doing stuff for people who should be doing it for themselves!

dementedma · 15/06/2013 18:17

can relate to this thread a lot!!!!
I either do all the work to avoid the confrontation. or lose my temper and the confrontation is horrendous.
dont have an answer. i just tried to carve out a little time for myself now and then and DH is getting better now at accepting this and not being arsey. I go jogging 3 times a week with a friend. i hate jogging, but it gets me out of the house and into the countryside withour DH and the kids.

Lizzabadger · 15/06/2013 18:54

None of this is addressing the fundamental problem.

BadSkiingMum · 20/06/2013 07:45

Any news, OP?

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