To be 43 and totally fed up with my day to day life

[snowyowl70]

Busy working mum of 3 living in a very cramped house with very messy kids, a Labrador who constantly makes a mess and a husband who quite frankly I am struggling to see that I can live with for another 40 years ! He is very selfish in terms of prioritising his leisure time which means I basically get none as I am either at work or dropping kids off, feeding the hoards or cleaning/washing/ironing. I feel like "me " disappeared years ago - I can't even remember what I used to like doing so if I did have time I wouldn't know what to do. We don't have family near by to help out so I feel totally trapped in an existence which is perfectly ok in a lot of ways ie we don't go hungry, the house is warm but I find no enjoyment in my own life. I enjoy my kids successes and achievements and love them to bits but AIBU to want to enjoy life a bit for me at 43 when kids (17,15 and 8) aren't tiny and totally dependent on me ?

I think that this life is our job now! This is what I'd like feminists to talk about more...

moom - you need a strategy.

• the only clothes i iron are mine. cleaner does my husband's and kids either have unired or do it themselves.

-clean laundry is put into study and sorted once a week into piles by me. if they want something in the meantime they have to find it. -one of my jobs is to walk the dog, another to take the kids to football matches (both of which in enjoy, but i would never admit this) -dishwasher - one child empties this and gets paid -put their junk thats left laying around in a pile somewhere...black bin bag in garage or ours goes in cupboard under stairs....its a nightmare for them to find anything then.

pick some battles. stop doing things, espec those you don't want to.

a cleaner is essential if you work.

I feel for you OP but you can definitely make changes, lots of people have made great suggestions. I have 3 dc ages 12,10 & almost 7. Saturday theirs rooms must be spotless (includes vacuuming) or the other kids who have done their rooms get to split the lazy dcs pocket money/allowance. Works like a charm.

Do an evening meal rota - both 15 & 17 yr old should be responsible for one meal a week at least (don't criticize let them do it and learn).

Friday nights is movie night at our house, we always have take-out or easy pizza so the kitchen stays clean and hang out together watching a film

You need to get out more and that's entirely up to you - you have a 17 year old you could pay to babysit if he/she needs motivating. Otherwise get a sitter and do it.

Start small but make PERMANENT changes. I don't have family round me as in another country but am going out tonight to an ex-pat women's group (20+ people will be there) tomorrow out with three best friends for a meal. Also, go out with your DH more! Why don't you go out at least a couple times a month. If you are in a rut you have to heave yourself out.

I would also recommend exercise as helping your mood, outlook and "thinking time".

St John's Wort has not been proved to work for anxiety and depression But B complex has and is vital for your nervous system. Make sure you also have enough Vit D.

I wouldn't get into a big blaming and shaming session with your family, you all created this situation. I would put a positive spin on any change so they can accept it better.

YANBU, I feel very similar. My DC are 5 and 3 and I just feel knackered all the time. I know they are still young, but what I gain in better sleep patterns I'm losing as their activities just dominate completely. They don't do a huge amount, but between swimming, art class and the numerous birthday parties (not to mention all the nursery/school stuff) it's hard to get time to myself.

I've started swimming when they have their lessons. DH takes the youngest in for his lesson and DS1 goes in by himself. When DS1 is in I go off to the big pool for my swim. It's a small thing (only 30 minutes), but at least it's something.

(Ilikethe - would you let me know the thread title so I can check to save me scrolling down a load of threads to try to find it like a needle in a haystack?).

Fair point. didnt realise you were on so many threads.
The blog one - its time to foster business. There are only 4 replies on it, so easy to find me!

sorry to drip feed, but i keep thinking of things......

one of your kids is about to become an adult. use this as a presidence......I now smile sweetly at my 18 year old and say, 'but you are an adult now the same as me, you shouldn't need me to.......'

If you told your husband that if he didn't help more around the house you would divorce him, what would he do? It is emphatically not fair for you to do it all while he enjoys his leisure time. Not when you both work.
My DH does much more housework and pet care than me, but then I work much longer hours. I do most of the childcare when home, freeing him up to do cooking, gardening etc. Basically we are a team, playing to our different preferences and strengths. A marriage where the burden of labour is unequally distributed is no marriage, it is an anacronism. Please, please do not put up with it any longer - you deserve so much more.

Oh also let your kids know of jobs you are willing to pay for (these are more special projects in our house) but one of our dcs loves earning money so it is highly motivational for her. In fact, you can think about what motivates your kids and design the jobs in a way that motivates them.

But they should all be doing more, so far you have trained them to be lazy or oblivious.

I was like you a year ago (same age but three small children and no dog). My husband is good about me buggering off alone. I went running and on weekends did long hill walks. That helped.

Now, I do my little cleaning business and I am so much happier. It's hard work, but it's mine. Also, we moved near inlaws so I have babysitting support, which is helpful as dh is away in Scotland working for a few months.

You must put your foot down and claim time to yourself. Just leave. If your dh does something every Saturday, then you get Sundays. Just grab the keys and go. Don't ask for permission.

Stop doing laundry for anyone but yourself, plus maybe towels and bedding. Make teenage kid cook dinner once a week.

Push back and take no shit.

if you lie down as a doormat, feet get wiped on you. So get up.

talk to husband first (assuming he is not so selfish that it would just be easier to get a divorce) stating what you want to change. Then it gets passed on to the kids.

they need to learn consequences if they don't do stuff. The older two should need no input at all in planning school/college, the younger one can also be doing a few chores.

stop ironing. Any stuff hung on the floor goes into a bin bag in a corner and you pay it no further attention. Kick husband into pulling his weight. Arrange some leisure activities for you and just go and do them.

who wants the dog? If it isn't you, then everyone else walks/clears up after it or it gets rehomed/put down. Labs live about 10 years so if it is getting near the end and you can't bear to do either of the above, make it clear that it will not be replaced.

good luck.

Wow. You are not alone, OP - not in the slightest. Unfortunately. I now have a lady doing the ironing for me. She's expensive, so only things that really need to be ironed get ironed! I'm returning to work soon (end of mat leave) and I can already see that things can't carry on as they are. When I go back to work, I will get a cleaner. DH will object to the cost, but she'll be doing his half of the housework! I've tried deal-making, raging, praising, and going on strike (instant squalor). Now I'm outsourcing and anyone who objects can fuck off.

well said gail.

LOVE THIS POST :)

Also considering getting a cleaner but am worried about the oh it's midnight on I better spend another hour tidying up an putting stuff away so the cleaner can clean syndrome.

OP, you're missing a trick here! I'm grooming my kids to be my staff! We're a long way off but they're pretty helpful in some ways now with dishwasher, packing/unpacking shopping. Send 15 and 17 year olds on a cookery course or teach them a few simple recipes and allocate them their days for total meal and kitchen responsibility.

You have a live in babysitter?! You should get out more!

Not too late to make some dramatic changes, sounds like you're being taken massively for granted. You inadvertently may have allowed it to happen because you're probably doing everything yourself for a "quieter" life because otherwise you have to deal with the resistance.

They need to know resistance is futile! Also in the long run your kids and their future partners and housemates will thank you for it..

As for your husband, swap garden (do it on the weekends) for evening household chores, let each of you have the other perspective and then decide if you want to reallocate chores.

flatmum I had a cleaner, many years ago. DH eventually talked me into getting rid of her as she was "too expensive" and we "couldn't afford" it. Well, this time I'm going to ask him how much my sanity is actually worth. Just make sure you get the right cleaner. The minute someone says, "Oh and I don't do dishes/windows/lollies stuck to carpets," you just thank them for their time. You need to be able to say to a cleaner that the house will be a mess when she turns up. Otherwise you wouldn't need a cleaner!

I'm not mad about the idea of paying someone to clean up after me. I feel like a bit of a class traitor. I will get over this. There is literally nothing like the feeling of coming home from work to the smell of Flash. (Other floor cleaners are available.)

Loving kiwi nana's advice. So true.

Another practical tip that I've found helpful for getting over the but-I-don't-know-what-I-like-anymore hump is to make a list of 5 nice things that you're going to do for yourself this week.

So, it could be things like:
Have a relaxing bath
Find a new book and read two chapters
Have a take away on Friday
Watch a DVD
Meet friend for coffee
Research local exercise classes/gym options
etc

Good luck - it is possible to rediscover the joy in your life, honest.

St Johns Wort has actually been proven to help in mild depression. My own GP agrees with the research as well.

I would refuse to work unless DP did half the housework etc. Why should you do everything? If he wants you to work then he does half the house stuff/childcare. Also get the kids to help.

St John's Wort is prescribed in many countries.

OP, you seem to have a few things to consider - how much is your DH's apparent lack of concern about you a factor in making you unhappy?

How much of this is being fed-up with the repetitive nature of housework?

How much is because you are very tired?

How much is niggly stress at living in a cramped house?

I'm sorry if these questions are really obvious. I hope they help you decide how to start making things better.

Oh snowy I feel your pain. And I hope, if nothing else, all the posts above give you a feeling of solidarity. Some of them have lectured about how you've got yourself into this mess, lazy kids, start them on a chore rota now...Yes, you should try. But sometimes it is just easier and quicker to do it yourself and when you're bone tired the last thing you want is a stand off with a screaming teen...A lot easier if you've been firm from the beginning, but you haven't, so. Am in similar position with 19 year old DS with Asperger's who's just dropped out of Uni and is back home...I have mollycoddled him, I know, but it's really tricky to undo.

As well as DS, have got 14 month old twins now. I know the feeling of life stretching in front of you. For me, that's starting again. As my GP put it, it must feel like you got to 99 on the Snakes and Ladders board, and then slid down the snake right back to the start. That's a horrible thing to think/say about the blessing that is twins, but...it's true. Motherhood can be boring, frustrating, tiring, thankless, dull, lonely. But we present a face to the world like we'd just stepped out of a Boden shoot, despite being pretty often on the brink of tears or minor violence.

The same GP once said to me that PND, beyond its medical root, actually seems quite a rational reaction to our lot.

So...try to see what you can do to chivvy up chores, using bribery where necessary. But a frank, non-blamey, just 'I am feeling a bit sad about everything, when I was a girl I thought life would be exciting' explanation.

Take the same tack with DH. Not reprimanding. Just saying how listless you are. And in order not to take it out on him and the kids, you need to have time out, and time to do something for you.

That latter is critical. And it's not just about having your nails done (lovely as that is). The EXCELLENT Nan's advice above about having something to look forward to (which could be nails) but also SOMETHING WHICH CHALLENGES.

I'm about to write a blog post about motherhood and identity, because I think it's a killer. Sometimes literally so. I have a double first from Oxford and the highlight of my day is going to Tesco or Cheshire Life arriving. I had an 18 year career in advertising in London, but now we've relocated for DPs work and there's nothing for me to do here. Nothing.

I've spent 8 months wallowing in it, but it's up to me. I'm insisting on time out NOT to go to Mums and Toddlers groups, that's part of my day job, not a treat - but time out to be adventurous. And it's all about having something to fight for. Something that defines YOU. Something that people coming for dinner can ask you about rather than the cursory 'how are the kids' you get when you're 'just' a Mum.

So, am learning to drive (terrifying, but necessary, and will give me independence), have joined the local Labour Party and am thinking about running for some sort of office, and am writing a book. And, get this, have just booked a week long tutored writing retreat in the Autumn WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION. DP doesn't ask if he's going on a work trip, we just sort it out. This is my new work, seeing as his job means I can't have a normal one.

Rant over. I hope things get better snowy and you have the strength and the time and the energy sometimes to feel a little bit of joy. Tke care x

I am going to try and take up some of your suggestions everyone. My husband is a cycling addict out tues/weds evening then Saturday morning for 2 hours and out Sunday until 2pm (or later in the summer) when I challenge the need to be out sat/sun I just get a withering look and am told he will help when he comes in. But his idea of helping to tidy the house is to shout at kids to move their stuff then go out and spend another hour cleaning his precious bike !!! My kids do take me for granted because I haven't worked in the past and now they just assume service as usual but I feel in danger of cracking up soon if I don't get some help. I just feel I am on a treadmill from 6.30 am until 9 pm and it never stops !!

For all the posts telling me not to iron just how do you not iron? Have tried hanging things up onto hangers etc but my husband wears shirts for work and kids wear shirts for school too !

I am not very good at being assertive but perhaps the time has come !!

glad to hear, and definately think the time has come for a change. The balance isn't right in your house....not with all that cycling time.

ironing - you need to change your attitude for starters. Crumpled shirts are not your responsibility anymore. Does anyone worry about your crumpled clothes? No. I have shown all my kids how to iron, its their choice if they do this or not. You really, really need to get a cleaner though.

My husband wears shirts for work, too. He irons them. They're HIS shirts, after all.

The kids' uniforms get ironed by the cleaner, and if I haven't washed them in time they don't get ironed. They get hung up, and once worn for about half an hour, they are indistinguishable from any other shirt that may or may not have been ironed.

can you start by doing something once a week outside the house? Do you know someone who might want to go to a class with you? Do a pay as you go one then you can see if you like it. Unless you do a very physical job an excercise class - fun one, nothing too serious.

then decide whats going to change the week after. ie get a cleaner. then the next week.....ie work in small steps if your family isn't open to the discussion/throwing your rattles out of the pram concept. Don't consult, just do it....i'm guessing your husband never asked permission to cycle?

forget the house stuff and the rotas etc - I don't think that's what's causing the distress. You say you have forgotten yourself and I know how that feels so you have to get that back but spa weekends and the like are too much to get your head round at first so maybe start small and do something completely different - one tiny thing for the next week. So Thursday you go out and buy and read a newspaper that you don't normally read, Friday go into Debehhams and get the beauty counter woman to give you a sample of expensive foundation, Saturday watch something on telly you fancy and tell anyone that moans to shut right up and Sunday paint your nails properly, with cotton wool and topcoat and everything and Monday telephone a friend for no reason but to chat. Doing stuff just for you is the way to start.

Good luck x