To be 43 and totally fed up with my day to day life

[snowyowl70]

Busy working mum of 3 living in a very cramped house with very messy kids, a Labrador who constantly makes a mess and a husband who quite frankly I am struggling to see that I can live with for another 40 years ! He is very selfish in terms of prioritising his leisure time which means I basically get none as I am either at work or dropping kids off, feeding the hoards or cleaning/washing/ironing. I feel like "me " disappeared years ago - I can't even remember what I used to like doing so if I did have time I wouldn't know what to do. We don't have family near by to help out so I feel totally trapped in an existence which is perfectly ok in a lot of ways ie we don't go hungry, the house is warm but I find no enjoyment in my own life. I enjoy my kids successes and achievements and love them to bits but AIBU to want to enjoy life a bit for me at 43 when kids (17,15 and 8) aren't tiny and totally dependent on me ?

I am now massively jealous of Kiwi's Nan. Actually, OP, just dump the buggers and go to China.

same age, less children both 8 out of the house for 10 hours a day with work and travel and feel the same, like another poster my dh is away but only Mon to Fri, I am knackered by the weekend, I do takeaway on Thursday and no washing up on from Wednesday night (I lie this is the plan, i do a bit) just soak the worst, it is Dh welcome home :) he doesn't grumble as all week he is living it large, playing badminton, tennis, gym, pictures, down the pub, living with 2 other men who are away from partners as well.
I run the gauntlet of it all, from Ds getting banned from after school for a month, the banning was so traumatic for me I now can't remember why he was banned, just the nightmare of trying to find childcare with no family to help out and juggling work, taking leave to cover it.
but my Dh could see how hard this was for me and came up with the genius idea at half term he would take them up to where he lives in the week and putting them into out of school care there for half term, they loved the out of school and being with dad, dad enjoyed having them as he misses them so much when he is at work, it was so successful they are going to do it in the summer holidays, this time I will plan a bit more, I only went out 1 night to see a sick friend as I really like the OP didn't know what to do with myself any more, I went though this before when my dad died after caring for him (before Dt's) so I know it is possible to regain your life just takes some time.

sending a bit of a nethuns hug, but you are not alone, talk to Dh, men are in the main quite caring they just don't always see or know what we need, as mums are not always very good at letting our "coping face" down and then tend to explode when it all gets to much, to partners confusion, me and DH are both bad at this, but after years realise it, so make allowances, and compromises for each other.

I feel so much better just knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this - we are all very good at seeming "sorted" in front of other people. I don't really know where I go from here though - older kids help for about 20 mins on a Saturday (big deal - one cleans upstairs bathroom the other hoovers stairs and landing) but day to day is a battle being met by teenage huffs and puffs when asked to empty dishwasher etc. Little one is SO messy and doesn't think she should pick up after herself and husband doesn't do anything in house at all unless it's empty dishwasher say once a week as "he does the garden"!!!!!!!!

and you work too, snowyowl? that is very unfair! i am not surprised you feel exhausted and unvalued. sod them all, down tools, draw up a rota, stick to it, and take up a hobby

You need to make changes. At 15 and 17 the older two are more than capable of looking after the youngest so you can get a night or two off a week to do something you would enjoy, that is out of the house. Otherwise their father can babysit! You have nearly three other adults in the house, that can help keep it tidy and do the necessary chores. And little one is big enough to have chores too. If the dog is too much, think about rehoming? If you can't communicate with your partner, think about talking therapy for either you alone or together, so you can learn to tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. Do you work? If not try and get something to get out of the house and to get some of you back. Even if it is volunteering.

OMG, I name changed and wrote that post in my sleep. My youngest is 6 though but I even have the Labrador.

I don't think I can offer much help but you are not alone (by a long shot by the sound of your other replies)

I was sure you were going to say you had three under three or something. Not grown adults who are frankly taking the piss. I guess the household has been running along these lines since your kids were small? You going all the domestic stuff while DH works ? And you've added a job since then but carried on doing all the housework?

YANBU to look for a more fulfilling life, not at all. But YABU if you expect your DH or children to voluntarily or spontaneously decide to change things for you- why would they when they've got it so good? You are going to have to make the changes and that won't be easy. I would really recommend reading A Woman In Your Own Right which another MN poster recommended. It has already helped me be more assertive in my life rather than nagging, whining, shouting and sulking as I tended to do in the past.

Good luck OP onwards and upwards!

So what's your plan OP? Not that I'm controlling or anything but need to know Even a small change will help you feel better imo.

If it were me I'd be going missing at least one night a week to absolutely anything that's on, cinema, club, theatre, kickboxing, zumba..anything. Just walk out before tea, go for a coffee somewhere, Weatherspoons are always open, and then to whatever you choose. No explanation except you have plans. Let them make their own tea. I promise the 8 year old won't starve. Teach him/her to make a sandwich and you know they won't.

Can you get away for a weekend on your own? A spa retreat perhaps? Will give you some space to relax and just be you...

I understand exactly what you're saying. I have one dd left at home now who is 17 and I know life is easier than it was but I think I just never stopped working, looking after family etc for the past 20 years and its taken its toll on me. I feel i just give, give and have nothing left . i have one more school year to get through...and hopefully then some freedom to do what I want.

DH works long hours and lives in his own world and I have no family near me

What has helped me get through the last couple of years is yoga (a wonderful class once a week) and art class which I love. And also some good friends .

Come on op. A lot of this is down to you.
Organise the kids. You can try organising your husband too.
The kids doing 20 minutes on a saturday and messing up the house the rest of the time is not on at their ages. Even your youngest at 8 should be doing more.

In some households, kids, especially in large families are doing at least 20 minutes a day each. And know not to mess up the house,as they will be doing extra cleaning otherwise.

And up to you all about the dog.

Eventually, when you can see the floor more often, you will notice that cupboards need tidying etc. Stuff needs to be sorted and taken to charity shop etc.
head over to good housekeeping if necessary. They love to sort out things like this!

You need to take control of all sorts of things.
I think you will be amazed at the differences, even in two weeks.

Tell dh that this year you fancy a swap. You'll do the garden and empty the dishwasher and he can do your jobs.

I agree I was expecting to see you have toddlers.

There is no substitute for having a bloody firm word with your husband and kids. I would call a family meeting (which is no different from just talking to them, but it lends the appropriate tone of gravity to the situation) and tell them you are done being their bloody cook/chauffer/housekeeper.

I'm really sorry to hear you have no time to yourself, you deserve it.

What happens when you are ill? Does everyone pitch in? Because sometimes the guilt of making the DC do more, stops you getting that rota in place. Stops you giving them all jobs to do. Reward system? Mine get pocket money for doing their jobs - no free hand outs in my house. Youngest looses internet time if he's a slob! Applies to the 17 yr old and 14yr old too if needs be.

Can't help you with DH as I am on my own with the DC, part time volunteer job and Uni - hence the DC putting the washing on, tumbling (never iron unless it's necessary) cleaning windows, putting on and unloading the Dishwasher. Because of the situation I am in, and that one person CANNOT do it all (OP stern look!) the DC have had to pitch in and help. And they are brilliant at it now.

You've reached breaking point - now is the time for your family to look after you.

apologies is said before.....can you get a cleaner (paid for out of joint funds). start doing something for you......maybe something keep fit orientated that gets you out of the house....zumba or something that will improve your wellbeing but thats a bit fun. let them fend for themselves, as people have said they are old enough. you need to start building a life for yourself now and developing hobbies. did you used to like gardening.....get an allotment.

you were me a few years ago. i now go out twice during the week and do something for me and i feel so much better.

^^I agree about the cleaner situation, just because it puts your husband in a very difficult position if you are aiming to equalize your free time with joint money and he says no. You would be forcing his hand and the discussion.

Not much advice to offer just sympathy. I am similar age with 3 dc, though younger and I really recognise what you are saying. Especially the hordes of washing and ironing and constant cleaning - that is my leisure time. People always suggest a cleaner but it's more the tidying and organisational stuff that takes time and I'm not sure they'd cope with that.

Things have turned round a bit for me recently and this was for 2 reasons that may or may not e helpful. One we moved house so I had a massive reorg and declutter. And invested in a lot of storage. This has really helped as I can fin and put away things quickly and the house is usually pretty tidy which I find less oppressive.

Two I got a new job a few months ago where I now earn more that DP so this has made some of the drudgery that I had to do more his responsibility. I am self employed so dont get paid if I don't work and, as he likes the money coming on, this has made him more inclined to do more at home.

Are any of these thing you could do? New job? De clutter? Volunteering in the evening so you get out for some regular time to yourself (ideally straight from work) and they have to fend for themeselves?

My dc are much younger, yours should really be doing more for themeselves by now shouldn't they?! I have recently started making my 8y old put his own laundry away which is one little job of my list.

1. Ditch the dog. I hate dogs. Why have it if it is causing you extra work? Get it "rehomed".

1. Make sure you and your husband have the same free time at weekends - perhaps do as we did at one stage - he has most of Saturday off or to work and you have most of Sunday off or to work so you know you are 100% responsible for the children on your day.

1. During the week do the same amount of cooking, washing etc as your other half. Eg he could do all the cooking and you all the washing all week or vice versa.

1. If you cannot stand him you might be a lot happier apart. Does he know how unhappy you are? Talk to him about it.

1. Get 17 year old through driving test ASAP if not already done - our older 3 all passed the test at 17. Then they can drive younger ones around.

I want a dog now! Just something else to add to the long long list of stuff I don't have and never will I suppose.

If I don't cook, noone will eat.
If I don't do laundry, there will be no clean clothes.
If I don't iron, the piles of laundry take over the living room.
If I don't wash up, the dishwasher will remain full until the sink overflows.
If I don't get up at 6:30 to rouse to troops, noone will be anywhere on time.
If I don't pack the schoolbag, homework will be left in a pile on the floor.
And nobody - nobody - else ever cleans the sodding toothpaste off the bathroom sink (or floor for that matter).

I am on the treadmill from 6:30am every morning until I crawl into bed. I smile and say how happy I am for friends with tghe wealthy husbands (so don't need to work, oh no, I work for the hell of it!), the kids, the huge houses, amazing holidays, fancy cars, ability to buy whatever the hell they want (and not have to carefully plan or worry about it).

Life truly sucks.

Moan over.

I've started meditation and it's helping with this feeling, which is oh so familiar-sounding!
whatmeditationreallyis.com/

Tell him either he chips in more or your getting a cleaner - a couple of hours makes such a difference. Im considering one as think it would be worth £10-20 a week just to keep on top of washing/ironing and have house cleaned properly.

I would also get out of the house couple of nights a week whether its the gym (relaxing.in the sauna) or an evening class.

Is there something u could do together like ten.pin bowling, cinema night

whatmeditationreallyis.com/

[Xenia. I asked you a question on another thread we are both on. Could you poss answer it please?]