To be 43 and totally fed up with my day to day life

[snowyowl70]

Busy working mum of 3 living in a very cramped house with very messy kids, a Labrador who constantly makes a mess and a husband who quite frankly I am struggling to see that I can live with for another 40 years ! He is very selfish in terms of prioritising his leisure time which means I basically get none as I am either at work or dropping kids off, feeding the hoards or cleaning/washing/ironing. I feel like "me " disappeared years ago - I can't even remember what I used to like doing so if I did have time I wouldn't know what to do. We don't have family near by to help out so I feel totally trapped in an existence which is perfectly ok in a lot of ways ie we don't go hungry, the house is warm but I find no enjoyment in my own life. I enjoy my kids successes and achievements and love them to bits but AIBU to want to enjoy life a bit for me at 43 when kids (17,15 and 8) aren't tiny and totally dependent on me ?

Ideally, I think it's best not to let these patterns develop in the first place. If you've never picked up dirty clothes from the floor, then no-one expects you to.

The next best thing is to be so patently fair and reasonable that it's difficult to argue with you eg "I'll do you do a deal, one of us does X and the other does Y - which would you prefer?" Stand firm, don't cave in and do it when he "forgets" or "doesn't have time"

............ and no ironing in this house, ever

I don't iron either. DH irons his own stuff for work and I don't wear irony stuff. Well, maybe this. I realised that I never intend to on the weekend when DD had a party dress that needed to be ironed. I asked DH because I have no clue about ironing. I do all the laundry so it evens out.

Agree that you need 'jobs'. So, in this house the laundry is me, ironing is DH, cleaning the floors is me, tidying and cleaning surfaces is DH, night wakings is mainly me, early mornings is him. Compost is him , appointments for DD is me. It is flexible depending on needs.

What would happen if you just stopped one thing - laundry say. Just don't do it. Wait and see what happens - and when DH asks where his shirts are, suggest that he puts on a wash then if he's run out. Same with the kids. Really there's no maternal expertise needed here - my 11 yr old can load the washing machine and transfer stuff to the dryer. Go on secret strike!

Go on Snowy you have the power of MN behind you The world won't implode if you won't iron! Or make the dinner. Tell the older dcs to make it.

Latest update - we have a French exchange student with us and have kept house very tidy (for us!) all week - have persuaded husband to take him and our kids out so I can mop floors etc as my parents arrive too on weds and am working next week. This partly to see how long it takes me to clean when the house is tidy - a lot less time than when taking two hours to move clutter I should think! Then I am going to have big push to get everyone to pick up after themselves ( have run ragged this week whilst visitor here but once he has gone home I can really crack the whip and deal with the protests without embarrassment !)

Stage 2 is to try and reduce ironing considerably - don't think I can send those who wear shirts out looking crumpled and try to persuade DD1and DS that they should now iron their own things perhaps with some financial incentive.

If I need to get to Stage 3 it will be to employ a cleaner for 2-3 hours a week.

Stage 4 is to tackle husbands total disregard for my personal happiness - this one will be the toughest - even his mum says he is " all for himself" - a comment brought on during my 5 day stay in hospital last summer (followed by another 2 shorter admissions) when he texted me constantly in hospital to tell me how son was misbehaving, how it wasn't how he planned to spend his week off (wasn't mine either !!! In agony with gall stone stuck and causing jaundice !). In 5 days of visiting he never asked me how I was when he came to visit and constantly kept asking when they were going to allow me home . This was, I'm sure as normal service had been disrupted !! Then when I was recovering I was bombarded by "when do you think you will feel better" - a reference to when normal sex life and normal household slavery would return !!

I feel very bitter about the one time in my life that I needed a bit of help in return and a bit of TLC and it just wasn't there - his mum was not happy with him but knows, as I do, that it isn't likely to change anytime soon.

Sorry , this has turned into a rant but perhaps it may help people understand just how fed up I am with my lot in life and what I am up against !!

Hand holding for stage 4 and good luck with it. Glad you have a plan though.

Snowy

It isn't a rant. It sounds like you are waking up to just how horribly selfish your husband is. I would suggest a move to the Relationships Board for the next stage. It won't be

what gets me about these threads is people saying "sorry op but you must get a cleaner", like we can all afford help, we just haven't bothered to think of this....or when someone says they are tired and they're told "send the kids to the gps and have a weekend away"...arrrggghhh some of us here actually will never have a cleaner and have no gp's alive

sorry rant over op, I hope you get things sorted

I know ssd. Or suggestions to have a weekend at a spa.

snowy - thank you for your updates. It's lovely to hear that you've made some changes.

You have three 'choices' with the DH situation. (I know this is kind of obvious, but it might help you ...... I don't mean to be patronising or be telling you what to do - but I know how hard it is to step back and think carefully about your life when you're really busy and your day to day life keeps throwing up things that need to be attended to).

You can try to accept your DH the way he is - you would not then be disappointed or angry with him when he's behaving selfishly (this is the one I'm wrestling with as my DH sounds very like yours)

You can tell him he needs to make your needs a much bigger priority in your life. Tell him how tired and unhappy you are and ask him to go for counselling/think very hard about whether he can 'do a bit better'. Make an appointment with him to do this so that you have plenty of time with no distractions to speak to him properly.

You can leave him and not have the daily reminders of his apparent lack of care getting you down constantly.

It's interesting that you mention his mum's criticism of him. Do you think she'd be supportive of you trying to make positive changes?

I'm pleased you're sounding determined op.

Do you think you need to have some assertiveness training? There must be books and stuff to help? I just can't imagine being you in hospital and not replying with 'Fuck off I'm ill' to those texts and I'd have told him to Fuck off if he came to visit and didn't ask me how I was feeling too-though I usually get in there first anyway with saying how I am.
Or counselling to work out what happened to you in your life to make you just take this shit?

Do push ahead with organizing house/kids in a fair way, but perhaps you better start thinking of long term plans that don't include you dh? In 10 years your youngest could be away at university and you'll be lonely with this arse of an excuse for a man.

I assumed, when I started reading this thread, that the biggeest hurdle was going to be your husband.

It's amazing how many men seem to prioritise themselves over their wives isn't it?
Makes me realise we've not really come that far with equality in some ways.
I was out with dh the other week and joked about being glad it was my lie in in the morning.
The men we were with were incredulous and said I should be getting up as he was on a night out whereas I'd apparently chosen to come out! I work too btw.
The only way this will ever change is by us challenging it and not a accepting it from early on in the relationship.
Men aren't special beings, they can do shit stuff as well and they couldn't do anything without someone to look after their kids.

Reading with interest. Feel the same. Ds2 starts school soon, so I will have 2 days to myslef, for the first time. But as another poster said, I lost myself , such a long time ago, that as yet, I have no idea how I am going to spend those 2 days. But I am looking forward to it.

You'd get every other weekend off if you divorced wouldn't you?

Agree you need to make a stand regards housework, the more you do the more you will get left to do. I'd start by making the older DC's and your DH cook some kind of meal once a week and taking turns doing laundry. If they don't bother then just cook and launder for yourself and the youngest

His attitude towards you is astoundingly selfish and in your shoes i'd find it incredibly hard to have any feelings sexual or otherwise for him. If he fails to see that he needs to change do you see yourselves having any future together?

On Ledkr's point about men prioritising themselves over wives I sometimes think that some wives are guilty of enabling this because they perceive the DH to have a more stressful, busy job etc etc and that they need their 'me' time

Why would you want to be with someone so self-centred?

His attitude won't change.

Loads of great ideas for you on this thread.

You need looking forward to factors, some little ones like afternoon tea with a friend or DD, bigger ones like weekend away with DH or day at the sea with the family.

Make life at home easier, allocate more jobs and reduce your workload at home, use non iron shirts ( I only iron shirts and bed linen). Buy disposable tinfoil trays to cook roast chicken, lasagne & roast dinners and throw them away, go to cash & carry and buy individual bottles/ cartons for drinks, get one of the DC s to do the shopping on line. No more pack lunches let hem make their own or buy lunch.

Declutter, declutter, declutter, make them tidy their own rooms on Saturday morning. Just clearing your drawers and cupboards out will make you feel better. Getting a cleaner will just be a source of stress utill you feel you have restored order in your home. Order a skip if necessary and get hem to help. Stop buying things or introduce one in two out for new purchases.

Get out the house and get some fresh air, you will feel better and think about rehoming the dog, you might love him but dogs are a no no in small houses, more house work, smells and chaos.

Lastly, address the selfish husband problem.

If you don't feel you get any time to yourself then get up and take some!
If he won't make himself available to take over when its your turn then return the favour and leave the house just before he's due to do something, leaving him with the children.
How dare he assume its your duty to care for his children while he leads a fulfilling life.
Some if these guys would make crap friends never mind partners for life.

Play husband at his own game

Either get a p/t job ( can't remember if you work outside home)
Or
Get a 'hobby' this should be something you enjoy and should require DH and DC to get themselves organise a few times a week.

I could also have written your post. busy working mum,3 kids 5 and under,no time for myself&so exhausted but unable to sleep. I nearly died last year and promised myself I would make every day count. so im going to college to resit a gcse and then onto do a postgrad and in the meantime going to find a new job cos im being bullied in my current 1.

I have read all of this. I am going to add that I have DC of 18 and 15 and a DH who is inclined to put his needs above evryone else's.

OP older teenagers are challenging and it's much harder to get them to do stuff than one imagines. They are nearly adults but come with so many more ishoos and hormones and entitlements. As someone upthread said getting them to drive is a huge help but also a worry when you know they are inexperienced. BUT the difference, in my experience, between DS at 16/17 and now at 18 is awesome. A year ago we were counting the months until he went to uni and thinking thank God, now we are counting them and thinking oh no, we will miss him.

The other thing is many years ago when they were little and I was sick and tired of DH announcing on a friday night what he was doing at the w/e "football, racing, etc" entirely selfishly that one friday night I announced I was going out for the day. And I went out in the morning leaving notes and details of parties and the presents to wrap and the drop off and pcik-up times from footie and stagecoach etc. I think I left with words - don't be gitty it's what you do regularly. I didn't come home until about 6 and it was a tough day just shopping and a cpl of galleries and a lonely lunch (honest - I didn't really enjoy it). When I got home all was quiet if a bit subdued but it was tidy and supper was on and he said sorry. Didn't fundamentally change him but it did improve consultation.

Your DH needs a kick up the bum. But on the bright side you've 10 years on me - how I'd love to be 43. Do stuff for you - even little stuff.

sorry op, but the having a cleaner or not is the least of you worries

you should be thinking of whether or not you want to stay with your dh, not how to clean your house and motivate your kids to help

a full time army of staff wouldn't sort out any of your real issues

I was going to suggest what marriedinwhite said about just going out for the day and leaving a note with things that needed doing that day.

I think the older children should be cooking a meal each once a week with the other washing up. This will stand them in good stead to learn recipes for when they move out. I had no idea how to cook when I left home and this would have been a good skill to have.

Hope you manage to speak to you dh about the situation too.

The fact is no one is going to suddenly notice how exhausted you are and offer to help. You have to fight your corner.