To be 43 and totally fed up with my day to day life

[snowyowl70]

Busy working mum of 3 living in a very cramped house with very messy kids, a Labrador who constantly makes a mess and a husband who quite frankly I am struggling to see that I can live with for another 40 years ! He is very selfish in terms of prioritising his leisure time which means I basically get none as I am either at work or dropping kids off, feeding the hoards or cleaning/washing/ironing. I feel like "me " disappeared years ago - I can't even remember what I used to like doing so if I did have time I wouldn't know what to do. We don't have family near by to help out so I feel totally trapped in an existence which is perfectly ok in a lot of ways ie we don't go hungry, the house is warm but I find no enjoyment in my own life. I enjoy my kids successes and achievements and love them to bits but AIBU to want to enjoy life a bit for me at 43 when kids (17,15 and 8) aren't tiny and totally dependent on me ?

one of my kids did have a teacher complain to him once about the state of his shirt (they had a fairly strict dress code). But you know, nothing else happened, he still passed his A levels and got to uni.

Stop doing things.

sorry i'll shut up now.

Ironing: just don't iron dh's shirts-just leave leave leave. Dh does all of his in a once fortnight tv watching marathon. I do mine when I've decided what to wear. Uniform-either try fabric conditioner/dryer sheets and tumble or care less for the 8 yrold-I care less in winter when they keep jumpers on. No one was doing my ironing when I was 15...My Dad put the board up in a space on the landing and that's where we all did our individual stuff when we could be bothered-my dad often paid me to do his which was quicker money than babysitting.

His cycling? I find that shocking/jaw dropping. Wtf gives him the right to abandon his parenting duties and what kind of partner is he to you? He should be ashamed of himself and I'm not sure why you accept it?

5days a week is acceptable if it doesn't impinge on family life too much eg I know a man who is a competitive marathon runner, but he runs to work and back so never out in evening and marathons aren't on that often. Why can't he go out at 6am if he has to? Lots of people out running/cycling by that time. 2 dads on my school run compare times in full cycling gear in the playground of a morning-so they've done an hour or so before breakfast.

Going out-pay the 17 year old or tell dh (yes on a cycling night) that your 8 yrold will be home alone if he doesn't do his share. Also with regard to dc activities-does dh take them to any of them-split them up.

However, as your dh is so spectacularly selfish a shock is possibly in order-any holiday owing? Take it on your own far far away and leave him to do his job ie look after his kids.

I never have and never will iron am item of clothing belonging to another adult human being.

Unfortunately I am quite anal about ironed clothes so do mine and the DC as I know what you mean about the shirts.

Get a steam generator iron, really helps.

There's been quite a few threads lately about struggling with housework and unhelpful DHs. It's looks like you got some great advice and I hope some of it will work for you.
I think you should sign up for something you like (like a class) and make it very clear to your family that rain or shine you will be going and you will not be available to them at that time. Once they get used to that let them know another night/afternoon each week at the same time you will be off doing something for yourself (manicure, massage, swim, sauna, drinks with girls, whatever you like!) and thats thats. If your husband wants to do his biking while your doing that then fine, but sticks to your guns and make clear that this is what your doing.
Then sit your family down and explain that everyone will be pitching in, even if you will be doing the bulk of the work. Type up a list of chores and give each family member a copy and post a copy on the fridge. Each kid can should their room on a weekly basis. There's no reason why one of the teenagers can't make a simple dinner, like frozen pizza and salad. The other teen could do the dishes or empty the dishwasher. Even having each kid do one simple chore a day, combined with picking up after themselves, will make a huge difference. Could one of the teens do a bit of laundry?
I think you should also start to do some other things for yourself. Start getting manicures or a new hair do. Get some nice bath stuff for only you to use.

Go on OP, be assertive. You can always blame us lot

Go for a long walk today and suggest tea's ready for when you get back. Dp's taking you for granted. And the dcs will do because, well they're dcs. But he should know better.

Oh and only iron 8 year olds shirts. Others are more than capable.

Agreed, you shoul be doing yours and hers, noone else's!

This thread is inspiring.

If you take your age minus 3 that's where I am, kids ages included.

My older two help quite a bit now. They know how to empty the dishwasher, fill it, how to use the hoover (atm only 14 yo does it, 13yo would scar all the skirting, he's still in training).

They help to unpack groceries and walk the dog occasionally.

Next step will be ironing. 14 yo can do it but tbh is rarely asked to do it. Will change that, plus train the 12 yo.

The little one is getting away with not helping, but she's tiny

Start roping them in! And when you have a bit more time on your hands you can start to think about what you would like to do for yourself (and I don't mean getting nails done or having spa days but things for your identity, or as someone upthread said what friends would ask about at a dinner party).

Snowy you do sound a bit like a pit pony who's been down the mine too long :(

Have you seen this on the politics of housework? Helped me to get my head around things like why DH isn't "helping me" by doing stuff around the house.

DH and older DCs should be ironing their own clothes. You iron yours and 8yos, if absolutely needed. Don't iron bedding or anything else that you might be ironing currently [gives OP stern look over glasses].

You need to explain to DH that you will in future be needing two hours on either a Saturday or Sunday when you will be leaving the house and he will be responsible for everything. If you can't think of anything particular to do, take a book/paper/mag to local café.

What does your DH say when you ask for more time for yourself? Do you tell him, "x day at x time I am doing xyz"? Have you sat down and told him that you need more time forself?

FWIW, my DH who works very long hours as a lawyer irons his own clothes, looks after DD whenever I need to do something at the weekend and often cooks after a day's work (so we don't eat until 9pm some nights). But only because he wants to. I thought that was normal behaviour.

I have not ironed for 28 years of being amother (I always worked full time). We were asked how is it avoided:-

1. At one stage the children's father did 100% of the washing and ironing. Many of us would not tolerate a sexist man even for one day.

1. My children have never worn a single thing that needs ironing. The school shirts just hang to dry and always looked fine to me. I don't wear shirts that need to be ironed.

1. We have had a cleaner who did washing/ironing at various times.

Now you both work full time he and you need to agree things which are fair. He needs to do more and you need to do less. You don't want tob e nagging him or asking him for help. What you need to do is give him 100% responsibility for half the tasks and then you simply do not do those. Work out what the jobs are. For example he could take on 100% of cooking at evenings, breakfasts and weekends and washing up. Presumably he has arms. There does not need to be a row about it. It is just a fair division of work.

Xenia at "Presumably he has arms."

OP you might also want to Google Wifework.

big sympathies as it is hard, but what can happen, is the more you do, the less everyone else does.

In our house, DH & I have always had the lie-in rota. Me Sat/him Sunday. I love my lie-ins, he does the DC breakfast, which they love & when I waft downstairs, the kitchen is nice & clean. [beam]

I would suggest starting at this along with writing down ALL the chores that need doing & dole them out between you. If your DH doesn't want to play ball, then you've got to push back - no more ironing & no more tea cooked for him.

Your DC are old enough to pull their weight, so fold up clothes & put in a folding crate in their bedrooms so they can put it away.

I'm not sure if I am more over the 'D'H that cycles for 2 hrs or the 'D' wife that ALLOWS him to do this

My DH decided to get fit & gets up around 6/6.30 to do it. And he wipes the surfaces, does the kids bath/story/bed & tidies the kitchen after I've trashed it...reading this, I think I'll have to up his sex 'allowance'

snowy. Yes the time has come for you to be assertive.

OP, I was a cycling widow and I know how annoying it is -- I think it is quite an addictive hobby and like you say all the 'fettling' just takes hours and hours in addition to the time they're actually out. And the stinky cycling gear in the washing machine, bleurgh. What I have done is negotiated - on a two day weekend, there may be one cycle ride, at a set time. On a bank holiday weekend, two, but the calendar must be consulted first and one entire day must remain free. Any additional cycling has to be run past me (e.g. if I am out doing something that would be a good day).

Now we have DD this is a little more complicated but I keep a mental running tally of who has had how much hobby time. It needs to be roughly equal over a given period of time or else people feel put upon.

As to the ironing, my DM was a great role model and always said 'life's too short for ironing' (she also used to produce cakes and announce 'home made, but not by me' ). I know there are work situations which require ironed shirts, but that's what those services where you drop them off at the laundrette/dry cleaner are for. I bet your DH passes one on the way to work.

You can present training up your teenagers to be more independent as responsible parenting so they can look after themselves at university etc. Which it is, unless you want to be the recipient of weekend visits bearing dirty laundry...

M&S do good non iron shirts for men and school wear. After washing them give each a few vigorous shakes and pop them on a hanger to dry. Rohan do work blouses, dresses, skirts trousers which are Wash and wear and never crease. No need to iron casual clothing as they're causal! I can't remember the last time I ironed something and nobody's died as a result

Make a list of the problems and then sit down and hold a family meeting. Between them they can cook, clean and organise themselves. Write a rota together and get them to put their name down for various jobs.

Then start going out. Tell your hubby 'oh, i'm out with friend x night' and by the way 'I've just enrolled for yoga on Wednesday evenings also'.

Seriously, op, get hold if that book I mentioned up thread if you are struggling to communicate effectively and assertively about your own needs and desires. it showed me so clearly why I have failed to do this in the past - why I have resorted to bring manipulative or , as a pp says, bottling it all up, martyring myself then exploding at everyone when it all just gets too much.

The whole spa weekend / drinks with the girls / hobby class thing is a bit of a side issue. What you decide you want to do to broaden your life is totally up to you. But before any of that, you need to make the changes in the way your household is organized. And before you can do that, you need to believe that you deserve to live a fulfilled life in your own right. Do you truly believe that snowy? That your needs and wants and desires and well being are exactly as important as those of your husband and older children? Because that will be your starting point, not deciding to get your nails done once a week.

Hello, haven't read the whole thread but I do remember that feeling well when my family was younger. In the end I used to go on strike when they were in their teens. I would tell them, 'I am not doing anything tomorrow or the day after, you will have to look after yourselves'. If they couldn't find stuff, tough, had to cook their own meals. If they didn't clean up after cooking they had to do it before they started the next meal if they wanted anything to eat, or cook with dirty pans. I used to eat in the supermarket cafe. There was a bit of clearing up to do when I came off strike, but I felt so much better. Trickier if your children are too young to care for themselves much though.

The problem I have now is that I have an empty nest and don't know what to do with myself. I know I was happy before I had the children, so I must have done something. I just can't remember what it was.

Thank you all so much for your empowering words - I think I need to give myself a good talking to before I talk to the family but changes will definitely be happening !!

Xenia wrote 'Many of us would not tolerate a sexist man even for one day.' I have to say, may men would not tolerate being sexist either. Dh would be appalled at any kind of sexist role modelling for our dc.

OP: I wish you all the best. I have a horrible feeling my life is going this way: though I only have one child a the moment, DH does not engage with me or DS, and I spend most evenings home alone, staring at the walls. I wish you all the best, and a second the general admiration of Kiwiinkits's nan and her philosophy. for her, and for you.

Good for you snowyowl70, please update us