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To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!

301 replies

ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:13

Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.

All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.

Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.

I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.

AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?

OP posts:

BuntyPenfold · 11/06/2013 15:16

Go ahead and scream. What a bunch.

No wonder you are fed up. What would they do if you had to stay in hospital for a few days? Your DH would have to cope.


Onesleeptillwembley · 11/06/2013 15:18

Depends what you mean by 'op'. This covers a very wide area.


ParadiseChick · 11/06/2013 15:19

Yanbu. Could you stay in hospital?


diddl · 11/06/2013 15:22

Well I wouldn't be too annoyed with your Mum or your sister.

MIL needs to keep her opinions to herself.

Your husband needs to grow up!

Go ahead & scream at him


ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:23

I just hoped that between them they might be able to somehow help but they all seem to have an excuse Sad

Dm keeps saying how if I don't have op because of dh having to work she will "kill him" but that sort of comment doesn't help me. I've helped all of them in the past but when it comes to it not one of them wants to help me.

Dh really really annoys me as puts work above everything else, already this year we have postponed dd2s hernia op and her transferring to an insulin pump (she's diabetic and on inj) as he can't get time off/has a holiday booked that doesn't want mucked up.
I'm getting thoroughly pissed off at coming last time and time again. He wants my op put off "for a few months" which I know is due to work/holiday.
Dsis just wants a nice walk with a baby in a pram not to actually help and dm just refuses to take any time off due to her job being too importany (yet can take time off for dsis whenever she needs to).

I just feel like cancelling is the only option.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/06/2013 15:23

You DH needs to spend some time coping with the DC so he faces up to the face that you are cracking under the strain.

Has he applied for DLA yet?


ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/06/2013 15:24

faces up to the fact not face


ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:24

Its just a day case. GA to have a look and do a biopsy.

Should be home mid aft but will need to rest and have been told to not have sole charge of dcs following day.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/06/2013 15:28

I think you have to be blunt with your DH he is compromising your health and that of the children for his work. I appreciate that it is a family business and so he is under pressure from your BIL and MIL but it can't go on.

You and your DH have health problems and so do your children, he can't keep trying to carry on as if it wasn't the case.


ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:29

Yes dla form sent off but heard nothing yet, I expect it will take weeks like dcs applications.

I'm just exhausted and needed a bit of help and support. Dh has an agenda because of working for bil and being so desp that nothing gets in the way of his holiday.

I honestly feel like I could literally have a meltdown over this.

OP posts:

BuntyPenfold · 11/06/2013 15:29

GA always makes people feel woozy and weak afterwards. You will need and are entitled to some tlc.


ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:33

According to dh I "won't need help the next day" as when he had a knee op he was fine the following day.

I'm exhausted to start with and really anaemic. I know I will need to rest but will not be able to.
They all seem to think somebody else should thinks I will be ok on my own, I think dh should help,dh thinks dm/dsis should, they think he should its a complete mess!

Dh makes me feel selfish for being unwell, he said it isn't an urgent op that it could be rescheduled for in a couple of months (what he means is after his hol in aug!) I think he's worried of complications that prevent him going.

OP posts:

ihatethecold · 11/06/2013 15:35

Fgs. Get yourself a hotel booked and get some restConfused

You really have my sympathy. How unfair.


diddl · 11/06/2013 15:36

Ah-so knows better than the Drs advising you!

He might as well quit his job & set up then!

Oh, wait a minute...

Sorry, but he's sounding really selfish.


BeauNidle · 11/06/2013 15:39

If you are having a biopsy then you do not delay it, under any circs. What a selfish bunch of people.

I hope you get some help from somewhere.


Nanny0gg · 11/06/2013 15:39

So on top of all this he is worrying about a holiday that is just for him??


ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:39

Wish I could book a hotel!

Still bf ds2 (13mths) so will need to get home asap after as he's still fed during day (has cows milk allergy and I can't express enough to leave for him) I know he will be ok missing morning feed but by late aft he will be getting a bit fretful. Dh knows this too and I think he's worrying how hard a day it'll be.

OP posts:

NotGoodNotBad · 11/06/2013 15:42

"According to dh I "won't need help the next day" as when he had a knee op he was fine the following day. "

And yet he's worried about looking after his own two children when he's in perfect health. Hmm


ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:42

His holiday is a major issue.

I know he has his own health problems but he really misled me about it, said it was 5 days (turned out to be 10) said it was a one off, now he's saying he wants to go every few years.

I can't believe bil suggested it or that dh said yes given the problems we have.
I appreiciate he needs a break but I am so tired.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 11/06/2013 15:42

He sounds unbelievably precious. So WHAT if he has a difficult day? What is the worst that could happen?

I am sorry OP, is he always so selfish? Is his holiday a solo event?

Your health is the most important thing here.


SoldAtAuction · 11/06/2013 15:43

OP, you need to be proactive. Screaming might feel good, but it won't fix anything. Tell your DH that you will have to get help in, and it will need to be paid help because you can't count on family. If he baulks at this, tell him he still has the option of taking time off work.
Although the procedure is straight forward, complications can arise. I went for a day surgery in the spring, has a bad reaction to the ga, and had to be kept in an extra 24 hours.
I am not trying to scare you, but it can happen, and being responsible means planning for these possibilities.


ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:44

To be fair he does have health problems of his own but the older 2 will be at school most of day its just the 2 younger dcs are very hard work.

Really I'd only be gone for half a day though.

OP posts:

HazleNutt · 11/06/2013 15:45

Those are his kids too and if he can't cope, it's about time to start practising. Is it really that he "can't" take time off right now or just does not want to?


pinkdelight · 11/06/2013 15:46

I don't know your situation as well as the others here, but is there no way you can get help outside of the family? Someone from Sitters or somesuch for instance? I'd have thought with 4 DCs you'd probably need a fair bit of help (I certainly would!) so it's worth paying for it when needed. Even if it's a stretch, it's got to be worth it so you can have your op. I don't think you should cancel it just because your family can't or won't help.


Ashoething · 11/06/2013 15:48

You keep posting about these issues op and nothing seems to ever get resolved?

You need to stop looking to your family/inlaws for help-they are not going to change. They quite clearly resent you for continuing to have children when you have an inherited condition.

Your issues with your dh are the main problem. I can see his point about his job as keeping a job in this climate is important. But he is being very BU about your op-that's important for you all so you should avoid cancelling.

Is there any way social services/carers could help for a couple of days if the family wont step up to the mark?

Re-your dh and the holiday,Im afraid my answer would be a flat no-when are you getting to take a solo holiday btw?

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