To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!

[ariane5]

Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.

All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.

Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.

I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.

AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?

If you lay down and act like a doormat then people will wipe their feet on you. Man up op-kick your useless family to the curb and make your dh start toeing the party line-starting by cancelling this ridiculous solo holiday

Its all too easy to get comfortable in the role of martyr.

I know, I am so used to things being a certain way and coming bottom of the pile that I probably accept what others wouldn't. I do need to stick up for myself, I do need this op done and dh does need to do more.

I'm tempted to tell him that this weekend is his practice run for next thurs-would that be a good idea? I could just leave him to it with all 4 of them for a few hours on both days.
Never done it before but it might make him more confident about just having 2 of them next week?

I need to do something. I didn't realise my situation was this bad but I am shocked at peoples reactions and am starting to think maybe I do deserve something better than what I put up with.

'I can't leave ds2 this unwell.dh has said categorically he would not be prepared to have them both when ds is this unwell.
I can understand as ds won't be put down and it is virtually impossible to get anything done.'

Well, that is tough. They are HIS children as well as yours. If you would and could look after your son this unwell, so could he.

And fuck 'He said he will try'. Try what? Parenting? Please, OP, do not put up with this any more.

And tell your MIL to mind her own fucking beeswax as well.

x-posted. I'm afraid I don't see why the poor lamb needs his confidence boosted about looking after HIS OWN CHILDREN.

I know I'm shouting, but I just think this is unacceptable. You DO deserve better.

Do go out on the weekend even if its just to sit in a cafe with a cuppa and a book for an hour. It will make a difference even though it will feel odd and you will worry because you are so used to doing all the coping and organising.

You need time off-duty; no one can manage being on call 24/7.

Look..I do sympathise.
I am a bit lot of a control freak and I like things done my way too (comes from being a sahm for so long I think) but you must see that this situation is totally untenable.
I can leave dh with our dc and have (and on occasion have had to) and its been fine.

OP, I think parents can be guilty of putting themselves last.

But this is too important an issue.

There really should have been no discussion-that was your appointment, those were the days he needed off, that was it.

And the weekend-do what you want!

Go out all day for both days if you want-or a couple of hours each day.

It shouldn't be an issue!

A good father is able to look after his children, just like a good mother does. Your DH is taking the piss.

I struggle with all 4 on my own but more and more I've noticed lately that dh can't really manage 2 of them.

I will be letting him have a good few hours 'practice' this weekend. Might be good for him if I'm not there he can do things his way then and get better at coping with them all.

'dh can't really manage 2 of them'.

Sorry but I think this is really a case of 'won't', not 'can't'.

He 'can't' manage them, because he has never had to.

By all means tell him you are nipping to the shop on saturday, go and have a coffee, get your hair done.

If he can't handle everything you do while you are recovering from your op, maybe the housework goes unattended for a few days or whatever. But he has to look after his own kids or as others have said (and I think I did similar yesterday) He might find he has no choice, as you could no longer be here. Just like if you got hit by a bus tomorrow.

I have told dh that under no circumstances am I cancelling op next week. He HAS to get to grips with dcs and this weekend he will have a good few hours to look after them all and get used to doing everything as I need to feel I can go to hosp and concentrate on myself not worry about dcs.

Ds2 is still really poorly. I fully expect other dcs to get it too but have told dh that if any are still unwell next week I won't cancel again he will have to deal with it.
I have also rearranged dd2 hernia op and made appt for diabetes clinic and if anything coincides with his holiday then so be it.

Thank god for that. It seems that something might be getting through about how completely and unbelievably wrong your whole set up is.

You are on your knees with those kids and he books a fucking holiday on his own for 10 days, then wont look after them for you to have an OP. Jesus wept. and you know what, what's even worse than that... you both put your DD's surgery/pump off for his fucking holiday plans and he sees his daughters surgery as impacting on his annual leave... it is beyond disgusting to be frank.

ariane
Great steps forward.

No, not enjoying it in the slightest.

I'm not sure what sex has got to do with it ?! But since you have so kindly mentioned it, With the problems I've had (hence op that I need) I think the last occasion that happened was probably around the time I got pregnant! Totally irrelevant really but it might put your mind at rest

And yes, dh was refusing to claim dla but we have now sent the claim off.it was just really hard for him to admit his physical weaknesses, I think there's an element of guilt there too that he contributed to dcs problems by passing on genetic problems and he hates admitting it so the dla form was hard work.

I think you should claim the money you are entitled to, it will make life so much easier.

You know what?
When it's your kids you fucking suck it up and deal with it.
He sounds like a man child.
And you enable him.

Dcs all get dla and we get carers/ctc etc. Just dh dla and also direct payments in the pipeline for dcs which hopefully will make a big difference.

I'm just trying to get through each day and do what I need to for dcs.

I am trying my absolute best to make things better. Not long ago dh was constantly lending to his family all the time. I stopped all that and now there is minimal contact.
I was being dragged down by difficult situations/relationships within my family and I distanced myself from the caring role I had been forced into. I am trying really hard to untangle so many unhealthy situations and I don't get it right sometimes.
I am very aware of not repeating the same mistakes/toxic relationships that have caused me so many problems but I do find it all very hard.
I post on here a lot as sometimes I need a different point of view/advice as I have nobody in rl who is able to take a step back and see the situation for what it really is and offer the right advice.Sometimes a stranger can probably sEe things much more clearly than I can as I'm so wrapped up in petty things as well as the big issues.

Please listen to TSC
She talks sense.

Dh really really annoys me as puts work above everything else, already this year we have postponed dd2s hernia op and her transferring to an insulin pump (she's diabetic and on inj) as he can't get time off/has a holiday booked that doesn't want mucked up

How can you love a man that would do this????

I do moan about him a lot, same can be said about MIL, DM and Dsis.

All of these people cause me huge amounts of stress and difficulties.Unfortunately I am surrounded by a lot of toxic people and difficult characters (mil).
The financial aspect is well and truly under control but has taken a huge amount of work and caused a lot of arguments but we are doing a lot better now that dh has realised there will never, ever be any more lending.
Admittedly he does have issues with dcs and the level of care they need.I DO find it easier/quicker to let him 'get away' with it sometimes as I know I can get things done whereas I shoyld give him the opportunity to be in difficult/stressful situations with them like I have to. Perhaps I am a control freak in that respect.
He does put work/holiday before dcs appointments and that is something that needs addressing.He only moved in properly with us when I was pregnant with ds2 as for years his mother had been keeping him at home/using him and he let her because in his words he "is too nice" (or just weak).
He does help though, he gets up in the night when dcs are all up, he does his fair share of housework and at weekends he does do all dd2 injections its just he struggles if has to look after more than 1 dc at a time on his own.
I need to make sure that changes and leave him to it sometimes.

I don't know what else to say? I'm really trying my best but everytime I think I'm getting somewhere something else goes wrong and its hard, I'm exhausted by it all.