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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!

301 replies

ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:13

Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.

All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.

Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.

I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.

AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 11/06/2013 17:17

Everybody is right, you can't put off a biopsy. Your DH needs to step up here. Would he really rather he left your children with your sister, whose epilepsy was recently so uncontrolled that she needed you caring for her? Not fair on her or the kids. He needs to start taking real responsibility.

digerd · 11/06/2013 17:23

Hysteroscopies are performed in the uterus for various reasons.
I had one with biopsies taken for investigation and a scrape. Mine was only a 20 minute procedure under GA, but took me all day and night to recover from the GA. I was fine afterwards except for a period lasting 6 weeksConfused.
It does depend on what your procedure involves OP.

Your family and in-laws are a disgrace. Your DM does everything for your sis but nothing for you - shame on her Angry Sad

Dawndonna · 11/06/2013 17:31

Why are you still with this arsehole. Yeah, yeah, he helps a bit in by clearing up his mess, gets up in the night for his kids, and can't be arsed to do a couple of days for his wife. Not very important are you. It's a fucking biopsy, which means they are looking for something potentially serious. I'd kick him out and get a fucking serious partner, not a waste of space.

whois · 11/06/2013 17:44

Oh OP you post all the time and its always awful.

Stop looking to your mum and sister, they clearly don't want to help.
Stop looking to PILs, they clearly don't want to.
You just upset yourself by asking and giving them the opportunity to reject you.

DH doesn't want to step up, would you be better off without him?

You've got FOUR children with health problems and you can't cope. You don't have enough money to buy in outside help. You need to turn to social services and ask for help, respite care, anything.

It's disgusting that as a family you have put off your DDs operation. That should be the priority here, and your health too.

Original poster
ariane5 · 11/06/2013 18:05

Really had no choice about dd2s operation, the hospital wouldn't allow us to take ds2 as well and there was nobody else who could look after him.

I suppose dh could have taken her alone but I want to be with her too so I'm trying to stop the bf so that in a few months she can have it done with both of us there.
I checked with her consultant that it was safe to postpone and it was and gives us time to try and get her blood sugars a bit better.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 11/06/2013 18:51

I have told dh that when dcs in bed we have to have a talk.

I'm just so tired of things being like this and I need to know what I'm doing on thursday as although I don't want an operation I think I need to get it done and have his support 100percent.

Will see what he says.

OP posts:
mmmerangue · 11/06/2013 18:53

Good Luck! Flowers

Jestrin · 11/06/2013 18:59

Good luck with your talk OP. Something really needs to change...for the better.

We don't have any family support, its just me and DH. He is self employed and loses pay if he takes time off BUT he does. I've had a few operations in recent years and he has always been there to help me with the DC. He says we are a team. He is right. I wish your DH felt the same way and that you had other support too. Flowers

FeeFoo · 11/06/2013 19:34

Perhaps speak with your GP, perhaps she/he might be able to give you some useful leads and a few numbers for community care. It sounds like you've got very little support, maybe some counselling to help you through this difficult time. Good luck with the op. Leave your husband no choice, but to help, remind him of his Wedding vows!!!

YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/06/2013 20:06

It's when I read threads like this that I realise my 'problems' are insignificant. Respect to you OP and good luck with your talk.

Original poster
ariane5 · 11/06/2013 21:39

I have spoken to dh, I told him I am exhausted, feel ill and cannot cope.

I explained how I need to go on thursday and I need to feel that dcs will be well looked after rather than being made to feel guilty that he's missing work.
I explained how I am less than happy about his holiday and it has to be a one off.

I also asked that when possible I get a bit more time to rest, I am absolutely exhausted and just need maybe 1 lie in a month where he takes dcs does breakfast etc and let's me have an extra hour in bed as I am shattered.I have also mentioned that I will not be putting off anymore of dcs appts/ops etc due to his work/holiday commitments.
He said he will try. I am keeping my fingers crossed things will improve.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 11/06/2013 21:56

Please go to social services and ask for help.
I read your posts and it's like watching a car crash in slow motion, you will literally go mad or kill yourself if you do not get professional help.
Your DH is not trying hard enough and your inlaws see it as you are laying in the bed you made which is awful and your mum and dsis are about as useful as a chocolate tea pot.
Something's gotta give.

Original poster
ariane5 · 11/06/2013 22:41

Over the past few years I have contacted ss 3 times, each time they have done a couple of visits, contacted dcs school/pre school etc and written a report that I've been sent a copy of and each time it says along the lines of: dcs have health problems x,y,z, their needs are being met, the house was clean, dcs wearing age appropriate clothes/were clean etc.
Things like there were no support groups available but they would speak to children with disabilities team (who said dcs were not severely disabled enough for their input) and then that was it.

I have now applied for direct payments for dcs but was told it takes ages and I have to wait to hear from them as I have to attend a half day course of how to manage payments etc so I'm hoping that comes through soon as it will help immensely.
I did have a homestart lady for 5 weeks (she came each wed for 2.5hrs) but hs lost funding here and shut.

I have probably brought a lot of it on myself. I had 4 dcs knowing full well after dc2 that all would have health issues (although didn't know about all of them only the EDS) but still I suppose I should have thought how would I cope.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 11/06/2013 22:51

Quite honestly, I think you should LTB!! At least if he had the DC for access visits you would get the occasional break!

I know you won't though!

OTTMummA · 11/06/2013 23:01

What's done is done op, you can't undo your children and it won't always be this hard, but you will break down completely, mentally and physically if you don't sort this out.
Please get desperate and go back to SS, do not stop asking for help.

mmmerangue · 12/06/2013 08:41

It sounds like you cope very well with more than I could. It's understandable that you feel at the end of your tether but you are doing amazingly by the sound of it! Having a spot of V&D and missing 2 days work this week pales in comparison. And I have a minging house after 2 days in my armchair going eeurgh.

Illness in all sides of the family, unsupportive in-laws and parents, your house and your kids are clean fed and at school...

Kudos to you, I hope things do improve for you.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 13:25

Had to cancel op tomorrow and am hoping to re schedule for next week.

Ds2 started being sick at 1030am and has a v high temperature so I cannot have anything done while he is ill. Knowing my luck the other dcs will get it too. I had spent ages talking to dh last night and he had said it was better to get it done this week, we had sorted everything out booked taxis etc and now its all gone wrong.

OP posts:
MorganMummy · 12/06/2013 13:35

Oh I'm sorry, that's awful. What a nightmare. I hope you can get it scheduled and dealt with quickly, and I hope your family can get themselves in gear, TBH, and start realising that helping others generally does mean a bit of inconveniencing of yourself.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 13:40

Its just our luck. Anything that can go wrong usually does.

Spoke to the hospital who virtually begged me to try and find somebody who could have ds despite him being unwell as thet said its "urgent that you have this diagnostic procedure"
I'm a bit worried but I expect thay have to be cautious just in case. Hopefully they wil have an appt next week.

OP posts:
MorganMummy · 12/06/2013 13:47

I know that feeling (that's my luck) as I have loads of stupid health problems and it often feels neverending, but it is nothing compared to what's on your plate all day, everyday. But having said that, I think that can be a bit fatalistic and dangerous for your health - you are having to accept things being awful all the time and like others have said that is going to keep dragging you down.

It is ridiculous that your DH can't see how vital this operation is and been if he looks at it fairly pragmatically, keeping you well will make his life a lot easier.

Are there any other organisations who could give you a bit of respite, even volunteer ones? If you say where you are in the country roughly maybe locals will know of one? It seems mad that SS aren't doing more to help you but may there are some other organisations about...

diddl · 12/06/2013 13:53

Seems ridiculous to me to cancel tomorrow because your child is being sick today.

His dad would have been at home with him tomorrow anyway if he's still sick.

Arabesque · 12/06/2013 13:54

Your husband needs a good kick up the arse. Sorry, but you really need to tell him where to get off. He's behaving like a stupid teenager.

Your mum and sister might be fed up of him basically trying to load his responsibilities onto them and are taking a stand (although could have chosen a better occasion).

Your MIL should butt out. It drives me mad when someone has an operation or procedure and someone else says 'oh I had the same and I was back in work the next day' (especially when usually it wasn't 'the same' but something a lot simpler).

TheCutOfYourJib · 12/06/2013 13:55

Why couldn't your dh look after ds?

TheCutOfYourJib · 12/06/2013 13:56

And if the hospital are trying to persuade you, then you need to listen to them.

Badvoc · 12/06/2013 13:59

You need to have the op.
Let your dh look after the sick child.
The drs are telling you you need this op ASAP
Listen.
Your dh needs a short sharp introduction to what your life is like ATM.
He is a big part of our issue IMHO.
So sorry x