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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!

301 replies

ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:13

Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.

All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.

Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.

I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.

AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/06/2013 14:01

Would your DH go to work and leave you with DS whilst he was ill? If yes, why couldn't you go and get a medical procedure you need and leave your DH to cope.

I have no doubt he would have left you to cope. Why are you at the bottom of the heap?

FriskyHenderson · 12/06/2013 14:03

It really is daft to cancel this op because one of your DC is sick today. There is no guarantee that any of the other DC will get it, that will affect anything. Your DH is a parent, leave him to parent while you are in hospital.

diddl · 12/06/2013 14:04

" find somebody who could have ds despite him being unwell"

His father???

Hasn't he already booked time off?

What's changed just because his son might still be ill tomorrow?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 12/06/2013 14:14

Your husband is a wanker of the first order - I think we have established that on previous threads :(

Go for the OP then go and stay at a friends or a hotel for the night. Your DS does not need feeding in the day and your DH is his father - he will just have to fucking cope. Honestly.

I feel so sorry for you, it is a terrible situation you are in - but you HAVE to start helping yourself and stop putting up with this shit from this usless twat and stop being at your DS's beck & call.

Tell your useless twat of a husband that your daughters health comes first - she needs both of those proceedures and he can shove taking his holiday and your DS will just have to cope without being breastfed for a few days. Come on - get it sorted!

bolshieoldcow · 12/06/2013 14:17

If you cancel the op and if (big if, but needs to be considered) there is something wrong, by the time you can finally fit the op in around everyone else's needs, it might be too late. Or late enough that your convalescence is significant and long.

Listen to the people who are trying to help you - the hospital staff. Get help, get your DH to man up and please, get the op.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 12/06/2013 14:28

I was going to say sitters too. Let your DH know the cost.

Look, it will cost way more if you have a condition that goes undetected.

Badvoc · 12/06/2013 14:28

I have read your other thread in general health op.
You are using this as an excuse to cancel.
I am sorry to be blunt, but that's what you are doing.
Your dh had booked the time off.
I am sorry your ds is ill but your dh can look after him.
Phone back and get it over with.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 14:30

I just know how difficult it will be, ds2 has screamed since 1030am, thrown up loads and is only wanting to be bf or drink water.
I am really worried dd2 will come down with as I know she will end up in hospital due to diabetes as if she can't keep anything down we won't be able to cotrol her blood sugars.

The admissions lady is going to phone me and see if there's a space next week as can't leave it any longer than that.
Dh said there's absolutely no way he could cope with ds2 sick and dd2 and her usual day to day stuff.
I really could have done without ds2 being unwell poor little thing.

OP posts:
FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 12/06/2013 14:30

If you are worried about cost, say you do not want any birthday gifts from anyone but XXX towards childcare at Xyz company as this would be the only useful gift.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 12/06/2013 14:31

Right ow, you are in a situation, do what is best. But it is worrying that your H says he could to cope. What happens if you fall under a bus? Or very ill?

He needs to embrace his family, with their health issues.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 14:35

No, its not an excuse. Yes I am terrified of having an op but I can't leave ds2 this unwell.dh has said categorically he would not be prepared to have them both when ds is this unwell.
I can understand as ds won't be put down and it is virtually impossible to get anything done, I had to get dh to drive the half an hour back today to change dd2s nappy and do dd2 check and inj before her lunch as couldn't do it 1 handed then he went straight back to work as ds2 has been non stop sick.
I know I need to have it done. It will have to be next week though which I suppose isn't too much of a delay.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/06/2013 14:37

"Dh said there's absolutely no way he could cope with ds2 sick and dd2 and her usual day to day stuff."

Hmm-about time her learnt then!

PiggyPlumPie · 12/06/2013 14:46

dh has said categorically he would not be prepared to have them both when ds is this unwell

They are his children too FGS!!

If my DH said something like that to me I would show him the door!

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 14:50

I have been rebooked for next thursday.

At least that gives ds2 time to get better and even if other dcs do catch whatever he has they should be ok by then.
I know dh needs to do more but for now I am just happy to get ds better and go next week when I know that dh has a better chance of coping with dcs that are not being sick of feeling rubbish as even if ds stops vomiting he has been so ill he won't feel good tomorrow.

I will feel happier knowing they are well as I imagine as soon as I get home after having it done I will have to help (when really I would want to go straight to bed).

OP posts:
Damnautocorrect · 12/06/2013 14:51

If you don't have the op now and there's something wrong theres every chance your dh will need even more time off to look after the kids ... Or worse. Has he thought of that.

I had a minor 'nosey' about op last year. I was on the sofa useless for 2/3 days after because of the ga. my 4 year old did a Stirling job looking after me on day 2 onwards.
You can't be left on your own let alone with little people

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/06/2013 14:55

So you have been left coping for most of the time with two sick children and yet your DH says he can't cope Angry

Why is it that you are expected to cope but your DH gets to opt out of managing so you cancel an important OP.

FFS wake up. Your DH is not being fair, he is refusing to cope with the stuff that you do day in and day out and is putting your health at risk through his selfishness.

And he expects you to cope for 10 days when he goes on holiday when he can't even cope with one. He is taking the piss out of you and taking you for granted. He is quite happy to see you run yourself into the ground.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 14:57

To be fair, I don't think he just doesn't want to help. I think its a case of he isn't used to doing what I do day in day out so knows he will find it hard.
He is at work every day so hasn't had a chance to learn how to cope. I've noticed on the odd occasion when he's had dcs for a short time that he will just sit with them and not attempt anything whereas I will put ds2 in the playpen and get bits done (or if that fails hold him and make lunch 1 handed). Dh just finds it too much.

Even I struggled today with doing dd2 inj hence having to get dh to come and do it. Its a huge juggling act. I think a lot of it is all my fault. I rarely give him the chance to learn how to cope as I know I can get things done quicker and its sometimes frustrating watching him attempt lnowing I could do it better/quicker.
I need to take a step back and let him learn from his mistakes. Its just hard when we are always pressed for time etc.
Too many things going on and too many issues to deal with!

OP posts:
LedaOfSparta · 12/06/2013 14:59

Hi, I don't know your backstory but you won't be able to go home after a GA if there is no one to care for you.

Maybe tell the nurses doing the clerking in that there will be no one to take charge of you and see if it's possible to stay in overnight. It's not a perfect solution but it does mean you'll get the necessary rest and your family/h will have to sort the childcare for themselves.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/06/2013 15:02

Stop blaming yourself and taking responsibility for everything. You have to step back and stop coping for a bit so he will take up the slack. I really don't think it is fair he is going on holiday unless a similar break is booked for you.

KellyElly · 12/06/2013 15:07

Your DH is unbelievable. I'm a single parent and have no family in London and after my op, my ex (who is generally difficult and a bit of a shit) picked me up after day surgery and stayed for 24 hours to look after our DD. If my ex can do me a favour that he by no means is obligated to do, your husband should damn well be doing this!

Badvoc · 12/06/2013 15:17

You are being too fair.
That's the problem.

PoppyAmex · 12/06/2013 15:19

"dh has said categorically he would not be prepared to have them both when ds is this unwell"

OP this would be a deal breaker for me. He's "not prepared" to look after his own children?

MrsSpagBol · 12/06/2013 15:23

Ariane

I know nothing of your previous posts, relationship with DH or health issues other than what I have read here and I just need to really tell you that this has made the most shocking reading I have ever come across on MN. I can't express that strongly enough.

I am not sure if you have been worn down so much, if you are scared of the procedure, or if you are in denial but if there is nothing else you read from my post please read this:

Your DH is an utter and complete totally useless wanker

I have never ever seen or heard anything like this in my life!

YOU NEED A BIOPSY!!!! The hospital are telling you it's urgent.

HE IS THEIR FATHER. There is no "can't cope" about it.
This is just utter BS
"Dh said there's absolutely no way he could cope with ds2 sick and dd2 and her usual day to day stuff."

I am sorry to be so blunt (and negative) but WHAT WILL HE DO IF YOUR MEDICAL ISSUE IS UNDIAGNOSED FOR TOO LONG AND YOU ARE SERIOUSLY ILL OR WORSE, LOSE YOUR LIFE?!?

WHAT WILL HE DO? (Yes I am shouting).

Please please OP, take a step back and assess your DH's behaviour with some objectivity.

Because his attitude is just ludicrous. It's unreal. I absolutely implore you to think about this seriously and to GET YOUR BIOPSY DONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Your health is not a luxury you should gamble with.

Smh.

MrsSpagBol · 12/06/2013 15:27

"To be fair, I don't think he just doesn't want to help. I think its a case of he isn't used to doing what I do day in day out so knows he will find it hard."

OP for goodness sake, stop enabling and making excuses for unacceptable behaviour !!!!!!!!!!

He will find it hard?! Hard?

WELL SO BE IT, HE WILL HAVE A HARD FEW DAYS !! THAT'S LIFE. SUCK IT UP.

I can't bear to read this anymore, it's just crazy. I wish you all the best.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 12/06/2013 15:32

If you keep putting off this surgery because of your DH not coping, he could very well end up in a situation where he is going to have to cope with a lot more. Don't mean to sound like a doom monger but you absolutely must go next week, come hell or high water or poorly kids.

And he can fuck off with his holiday after being such a useless twat over a couple of days looking after his own children.