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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!

301 replies

ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:13

Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.

All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.

Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.

I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.

AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 12/06/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 20:59

The work issue is a problem. Managing dcs appts etc has been hard.

We did discuss dh giving up work to help care for dcs but he didn't want to, instead saying he would arrange time off for appts etc but as they have so many he has found he is struggling to keep up with his work and as he works for bil it can cause problems. Dh wants to remain working but does get irritated by all the appts.
Hernia op is now rearranged.I was very upset about the pump issue as he clearly knew it would take some getting used to and he didn't want to jeopardise his holiday.
At present we are doing ok with the injections so it isn't affecting dds health to not yet have a pump as we are strict with carb counting but long term it will be necessary to have her on a pump.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:04

He has said to me if he had known that on tip of the genetic problems that dd would also get diabetes then we would have stopped at 3. But we didn't know it would happen and its done now, we have 4 dcs and dh struggles with all of them.

I struggle with all of them on my own but whereas I see it as just part of being a parent and I have to do it, dh doesn't. He wants to get out to work/go on holiday.I think he's wrong a lot of the time but I try to see it from his point of view too.

I really really don't know what else to say.

OP posts:
ilovemountains · 12/06/2013 21:04

If all your 4 children are getting DLA, surely some money could go towards getting some carers in to help,particularly at times of crisis like this? Isn't that what the money is for, rather than holidays for their father?

TheSecondComing · 12/06/2013 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:08

No dd does not know that and I'd never tell her either.

Even if there had been no op/pump planned then I still don't think he should have planned a holiday. I don't want him to go. He knows that but he won't cancel it.
I could really put my foot down, hide his passport and tell him in no uncertain terms he will not be going but then I know what I will get from mil/bil and tbh I really don't need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:12

It is not an expensive holiday, he is camping/fishing in france. Bil has paid for majority dh just got his passport renewed. But that's not the point the point is he will be away for 10 days so even ifit had been an expensive holiday its the being away that is the issue.

Yes we had to use a foodbank earlier in year. Dh was out of work with no wges for 5weeks before dd2 dla came through and we had no money, not a case of taking the piss at all??

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 12/06/2013 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc · 12/06/2013 21:17

Jesus.
This person puts himself and his wants and needs before you and your 4 dc.
He needs to give up work and help you raise your dc.
He shouldn't care what bil/mil say.
He shouldn't be pissing off on a holiday for 2 weeks and leaving you with 4 dc with complex needs.
But.....you don't seem to agree.
So I will be off.
This thread is very very upsetting.
Your poor dc.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:17

Majority of the dla goes on taxi fares and various other things to help with dcs disabilities, none of it has been used for dh holiday.he has no access to any of our finances.

We have applied for direct payments for carers but it takes weeks to come through we were informed.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 12/06/2013 21:22

yes....because he has proved he can't be trusted.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:22

Not long after dd2 was dx with diabetes I asked dh to give up work to jointly care for dcs with me. He didn't want to and said he would reduce his hours/book time off for appts.

I actually posted about it and the majority view seemed to be that he should remain in work not rely on benefits and stay at home with me to care for dcs.we have tried and its not really working but he wants to stay in work hence me applying for direct payments to get help caring for dcs.

I am not taking the piss. Iam not a martyr. I am doing my best in a very very difficult situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:25

That's correct he cannot be trusted with our money as he has in the past continuously lent to his family. I now get his wages into my account, I have his card, I got rid of all his credit cards and all bills go from my account as there was no other way.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 12/06/2013 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:43

Why do I need to advance search myself???

How is that helpful in any way whatsoever? I am well aware of my previous postings as obviously you are too TSC.

What exactly have I done wrong, apart from coming on here as have no rl support. Sometimes I need to 'talk' to get things off my chest and in no way at all is that helpful.
Do you have any idea at all what it is like to be at rock bottom. Dragging up my posting history helps me how exactly??

Well, I hope others do an advanced search on me but I don't expect the vast majority to be as uncaring or downright rude as you.

OP posts:
OnTheNingNangNong · 12/06/2013 21:46

What does this man actually do to improve your life?

Stop making excuses for him and tell him to shape up or sod off. If hes unable to cope with his children he should bloody well learn quickly. They are all old enough for him to deal with them.

You cant keep complaining if you wont take steps to make your life easier.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:50

I have taken steps to improve things but can't do it all at once.

The lending was a problem I sorted it out. My family/situation caring for dsis was a problem. I stopped that. I can only do so much. I am trying.

I have NOBODY in rl. This is where I vent things. I have nowhere else.

OP posts:
MalcolmTuckersMum · 12/06/2013 21:50

Actually OP - it may seem as though TSC is being uncaring and rude - may seem that way to you, it doesn't to me - but actually she's being exactly what you need. You need people to stop pussyfooting around you and nodding and telling you how dreadful it all is whilst you revel in the sympathy but actually DO NOTHING about your horrendous situation.
Admit it. You do nothing. If you were in the slightest proactive you'd do something about your useless waste of skin husband instead of continually excusing and defending him. Your problems would reduce by 80% if you chased his useless no good ass out of your life. You probably don't see that.
What you DO need is someone like TSC straight-talking you.

TheSecondComing · 12/06/2013 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:53

In no way at all have I done nothing???

Lending situation/caring for dsis were problems I addressed. Dh wouldn't claim dla-he has now. I was struggling, was advised on here about direct payments and I've applied.

How on earth is that nothing??? Coupled with the day to day running of the house and looking after dcs I am doing my absolute best. I cannot just click my fingers and change everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 12/06/2013 21:55

So I have no idea about being rock bottom? Thanks

OP posts:
kungfupannda · 12/06/2013 21:57

Make this his problem, not yours. Make it clear than on x date, you will be getting up at x time and going to hospital. You will then be unavailable until y date. Tell him this once, and tell him that you will not discuss the matter with him again. If he finds himself without any sort of plan on the morning that you leave for hospital, then he will be the one panicking and trying to sort it out.

Not you.

And mean it.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 12/06/2013 21:58

Very good advice Pannda. Will OP follow it?

TheSecondComing · 12/06/2013 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kungfupannda · 12/06/2013 22:01

No.

I think she'll give him wriggle room. I think she'll keep raising it, hoping he's going to suddenly shape up, and that will give him a chance to present his arguments and involve her in his crapness, until suddenly it's the day before the Op and he's asking her what she's done about childcare.