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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think Oh shouldn't have done this without asking me first?

101 replies

somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 17:37

Basically, it's my birthday this weekend and I had planned to go out for breakfast with my parents, and sister, BIL, nephew and OH.
We were round at FIL 's last week and my parents called to say they couldn't make breakfast, I told OH and we got on to the topic of how nice the breakfasts at this particular place were. He then proceeded to invite his DF and partner to my birthday breakfast. I don't have any problem with his family but would have preferred he asked me first. I've since mentioned this to him, he went off in a strop, accused me of not liking is DF and has stormed out the house an hour and a half earlier than normal saying "I'll just wait in the car park, it's better than being here" after calling me selfish for not wanting any of his family there (which I never said). Now, I have this group of people coming who barely know each other when all I was looking forward to was breakfast out with my sister and her family. Am I just being petty and over-emotional?

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 10/06/2013 17:42

Yes. I think you are being unreasonable.

donteatthat · 10/06/2013 17:45

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, it's your birthday!

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 17:45

May I ask why?

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 10/06/2013 17:45

So are these people also not your family?

Crinkle77 · 10/06/2013 17:46

If you were talking about your birthday plans in front of your FIL then it would have looked a bit odd if you did not invite them. If however they were not around then he should have mentioned it to you first.

dexter73 · 10/06/2013 17:48

I suppose he just asked them in a spur of the moment way because you were talking about the place and your parents couldn't come any more. I don't think he was BU to ask them in that case but he was BU to get in a strop. He could have just said that next time he would ask before inviting them.

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 17:49

They are my family too but OH hasn't always got on with his DF and we don't often see him. I now feel it looks odd if we don't invite his mum, his stepladder, his sister, her husband, etc. I didn't want them all there at this particular breakfast and now feel obliged to.

OP posts:
dexter73 · 10/06/2013 17:50

arf at inviting stepladder!!Grin

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 17:50

Step dad not stepladder! Bloody autocorrect!

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 10/06/2013 17:51

YANBU.

It's your birthday. Your DP shouldn't have made the offer without asking you first even if you were best mates with your FIL.

And there is no comparison between your own family and your partner's. Not unless you're very very very lucky.

CAF275 · 10/06/2013 17:59

YABU. It was a spur of the moment thing and he probably just thought it woud be nice to fill the vacant spaces.

Are birthdays REALLY that important once you're an adult (and possibly with DC of your own) that you throw a hissy fit if your DH invites his own father?

If you had made it clear to DH beforehand that you didn't want any of his family there then that's another issue, but it doesn't sound like the case here.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 10/06/2013 18:01

I would feel the same tbh, but I also know my dh would think the saMe yours yours

dexter73 · 10/06/2013 18:01

I'm a bit of a 'the more the merrier' type and always end up inviting anyone who seems vaguely interested in coming so I suppose that is where I am coming at this from. It really wouldn't bother me if my dh invited any of his family to a meal as I would enjoy it.

InWithTheITCrowd · 10/06/2013 18:01

So, it's your birthday, and you are much closer to your family than your OH's, and you were looking forward to a breakfast with your sister etc? Your OH invites members of his family, who you are not close to, and who (as you say) don't know your sister v well, and then gets annoyed when you mention you would have preferred he ask first?
No. YANBU!

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 18:04

Birthdays have always been a big thing in my family and I don't think just because I am an adult that it changes anything because I'd still make the fuss over my DM and DF, it doesn't change to me just because we're not children. Also, it's my first birthday as a mummy, which might not be such a big deal but I just wanted a small, intimate celebration and OH knew that. He's the same where he'd invite anyone and everyone but he knows that I'm not.

OP posts:
FirstStopCafe · 10/06/2013 18:10

Yanbu. I wouldn't like that either

Somethingtothinkabout · 10/06/2013 18:15

I'd feel the same as you OP, as much as I like my PILs, I would much rather have just my family there if I wanted a nice relaxing time.

It's not just that I'd feel slightly more on edge, but also my family would as they wouldn't know OH's family so well either. It makes it a different occasion.

MortifiedAdams · 10/06/2013 18:17

A birthday breakfast ?

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 18:19

Well my family are out in the evening and my 3 month old goes to bed at 8pm so yes, a birthday breakfast.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 10/06/2013 18:21

I think YABU a bit... whilst I completely agree that he should have asked, he was perhaps thinking that this was a solution, your family couldn't make it and rather than cancelling your birthday treat he thought rustling up some other in-laws would be a 'nice thing to do'.

YANBU to want to decide who you spend your birthday with.
YABU for making your DH feel bad when he wrongly had a 'nice thought'...

The row was unnecessary. I suspect my opinion would depend on HOW you voiced your disapproval, but I suspect that because it ended in a row you scolded him rather than gave him a big hug, a thank you for being so thoughtful and a gentle comment that it wasn't what you had in mind but you appreciate the gesture?

We all get things wrong sometimes.

WorraLiberty · 10/06/2013 18:23

I have this mental image of you all sat in a greasy spoon cafe...glaring at each other over your bacon rolls Grin

I think YABU actually

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 18:23

I didn't scald him, that's not how I deal with things. I just said "I wish you had asked me before you invited your dad" and that's when he kicked off.

OP posts:
Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 18:24

Frankie and Benny's actually Wink

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 10/06/2013 18:25

Why do you now have to invite his mum, his stepladder stepfather, his sister, and whatever sundry other family members yor dh happens to have?
It's your birthday breakfast (which, tbh, is a little bit precious once you're in double figures), not a Carribean cruise.
The ones who miss out won't give a toss.

diddl · 10/06/2013 18:29

Well I think it was wrong of him to invite people to what is your birthday celebration.

But then I also think that all the discussion of it in front of FIL was rude.