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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think Oh shouldn't have done this without asking me first?

101 replies

somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 17:37

Basically, it's my birthday this weekend and I had planned to go out for breakfast with my parents, and sister, BIL, nephew and OH.
We were round at FIL 's last week and my parents called to say they couldn't make breakfast, I told OH and we got on to the topic of how nice the breakfasts at this particular place were. He then proceeded to invite his DF and partner to my birthday breakfast. I don't have any problem with his family but would have preferred he asked me first. I've since mentioned this to him, he went off in a strop, accused me of not liking is DF and has stormed out the house an hour and a half earlier than normal saying "I'll just wait in the car park, it's better than being here" after calling me selfish for not wanting any of his family there (which I never said). Now, I have this group of people coming who barely know each other when all I was looking forward to was breakfast out with my sister and her family. Am I just being petty and over-emotional?

OP posts:
diddl · 11/06/2013 13:22

Is he jealous of the relationship you have with your family/the amount of time you spend with them?

Did he just want to spend time with his Dad?

Floggingmolly · 11/06/2013 13:26

Cancel the whole thing... Would you really? You spoilt brats Hmm

2rebecca · 11/06/2013 13:37

I think your partner was unreasonable to invite his father along to your birthday meal without asking you first, the fact that it's breakfast is irrelevent on my birthday I expect to choose who I eat with.
You were unreasonable discussing your birthday plans with his father if he wasn't invited though. I'd have kept quiet about it until you got home and if your partner asked about the phonecall said "I'll tell you later".
I presume he doesn't expect your parents to rock up to his birthday meal. unless he'd asked them.

diddl · 11/06/2013 14:13

I don't see why OP shouldn't cancel if people she would like to be there can't make it.

Would depend on how inconvient to other guests though.

2rebecca · 11/06/2013 14:23

The stomping off and sitting in a car park for over an hour makes him sound very childish. He sounds quite self obsessed. It sounds as though you aren't married so his relatives aren't really anything to do with you, plus even if you marry you rarely feel the same bond with inlaws as your own family, they're still someone else's family not yours.
He knew you wanted a small do and went against your wishes.
The storming off and sulking in the car rather than discussing it like an adult would bother me more than him taking control of your birthday meal.

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 11/06/2013 14:42

I assume he just didn't think. He doesn't see where I'm coming from. It's not about him seeing his dad as he can see him whenever he likes. I think my issue is that I know for a fact that he only wants to come for the food as if we weren't doing that, there's no chance he'd come and see me, which is completely fine. I would be really happy to go for a meal with his dad on a separate occasion if that's the case, just not when I have plans already with my own family.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 11/06/2013 14:48

Why do you feel obliged to invite other relatives of your partner? He didn't invite them, it's your birthday. I think you are being a bit petulant there in a "oh if you invite 2 people i have to invite 10 more and then it will be awful" sort of way. 2 people dropped out, 2 others replaced them. You could just leave it at that.
I still think the walking out in a strop rather than discussing things is a bad sign in a relationship though. He could have just said "sorry i didn't think"

diddl · 11/06/2013 14:49

So, maybe the asking can be excused, but the ridiculous reaction afterwards can't imo.

I'm not really sure what you mean-that FIL shouldn't come as it would be about the food not you?

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 11/06/2013 14:57

Just that I'd prefer a separate time with him because I just wanted my own family, not because I want it to be about me, that's not what I'm getting at. My family are coming because I invited them, he's coming because he wants the food, he said that himself. It's not that 2 people 'dropped out' (my mum is working) so they had to be replaced, i don't have a quota to fill. It's not a trade, and it's only his dad who is coming, not his dad's partner.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/06/2013 15:08

Well I think if you generally get on with the guy then there's no problem.

You can't blame him for accepting!

If he said he was only coming for the food-was it a joke?

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 11/06/2013 15:14

Ah it's done now. I'm fine with all going. As long as I end the night with a glass or 2 of wine, we're all good.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 11/06/2013 16:36

Yanbu

Why on earth cant you discuss things with other people just because they're not invited Confused

Do you honestly only talk about events to the people that were there? Surely that mist be very boring.

ENormaSnob · 11/06/2013 16:40

I get on very well with my ils and i get on well with my own family.

I do prefer to socialise with them.seperately though tbh. Its just easier and less forced iyswim?

diddl · 11/06/2013 16:40

Well I think it depends on how discussed tbh.

I don't think anyone is saying that you can never talk about things with people who weren't there.

But perhaps not going on about it/boasting/gloating?

trackies · 11/06/2013 16:44

YANBU. He should have checked with you first. It's your birthday with your family. I wouldn't expect my family to be invited to my DH's birthday plans as they don't really mix well, and vica versa. I'm not that big on birthdays, but i do think that the person having the birthday should do what they want, with whom they want to on their day.

larrygrylls · 11/06/2013 16:44

I don't get how many adults are so precious about their birthdays. It is nice to get some presents and do something but hardly a human right. You are being hugely unreasonable. You are going out to a lovely breakfast with family (even if not direct family). Do you really think you should get to vet the guest list?

Really, some people grown ups seem 40 going on 4.

stealthsquiggle · 11/06/2013 16:52

FWIW yes, I bloody do think I should get to vet the guest list on my birthday. God alone knows it's the only day of the year when I do.

ovenchips · 11/06/2013 17:03

Exactly stealthsquiggle I reckon it probably is the one day of the year you get to choose.

Otherwise you're just attending a 'family event' such as you might attend numerous times throughout the year. Which can be nice but sure as shit doesn't feel like your birthday.

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 11/06/2013 17:11

I shouldn't get to vet the guest list on my own birthday? Then who should? And 40 going on 4? Really? That's a bit unnecessary, I'm still fairly young and my family like to fuss over birthdays regardless of age so I don't see why getting older means we stop celebrating birthdays, surely that's the point of a birthday.

OP posts:
MamaMumra · 11/06/2013 17:53

It's not really a guest list though OP. I think YABU a bit and maybe pick your battles...
Have a good time though and happy birthday

Floggingmolly · 11/06/2013 18:44

Guest list? For a birthday breakfast? Get over yourself Hmm
If I was invited to a birthday breakfast I think I'd be washing my hair.

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 11/06/2013 18:49

Just pointing out here that I wasn't the one who used the term 'guest list'. However, i have invited guests and there is more that one so I'm not sure how else you'd phrase it. Good job you're not invited isn't it? Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 11/06/2013 18:49

*than

OP posts:
ChaoticTranquility · 11/06/2013 20:14

YANBU If we had to invite everybody to everything it would get ridiculous.

Why shouldn't people celebrate their birthdays if that's what they want to do Confused I don't get why people get so judgmental because an adult chooses to mark their birthday with a meal/party/night out.

AlpacaPicnic · 11/06/2013 22:43

Maybe from now on all birthdays for anyone aged over 11 should be marked with some ritual flogging, just to make sure absolutely nobody gets to enjoy them. Heaven forfend that anyone should want a nice day on their birthday?

All you birthday deniers - a question? Do you also deny Mother's Day, Father's Day, valentines day etc? Any day when you make someone else feel nice? Because that's what my birthday is to me and my friends and family, a day when people think of you. And appreciate you for you.