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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think Oh shouldn't have done this without asking me first?

101 replies

somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 17:37

Basically, it's my birthday this weekend and I had planned to go out for breakfast with my parents, and sister, BIL, nephew and OH.
We were round at FIL 's last week and my parents called to say they couldn't make breakfast, I told OH and we got on to the topic of how nice the breakfasts at this particular place were. He then proceeded to invite his DF and partner to my birthday breakfast. I don't have any problem with his family but would have preferred he asked me first. I've since mentioned this to him, he went off in a strop, accused me of not liking is DF and has stormed out the house an hour and a half earlier than normal saying "I'll just wait in the car park, it's better than being here" after calling me selfish for not wanting any of his family there (which I never said). Now, I have this group of people coming who barely know each other when all I was looking forward to was breakfast out with my sister and her family. Am I just being petty and over-emotional?

OP posts:
diddl · 10/06/2013 18:31

I suppose it also depends how you get on with his parents.

For me, if my parents dropped out-asking my husband's would not be offered up as a solution!

It's all your parents fault for dropping out!

MammaTJ · 10/06/2013 18:32

I think every one should be able to come and celebrate your birthday with you except the step ladder. I am sure it won't add anything to procedings although every one else will surely do so.

I do not think he was being unreasonable, inviting everyone on the spur of the moment. I think you were being unreasonable to throw a strop about it.

crumblepie · 10/06/2013 18:32

i would be annoyed with oh tbh, i dont like mixing the two sides it get awkward, and its your day , you want to feel comfy .yanbu .

decaffwithcream · 10/06/2013 18:33

I don't see how you could avoid inviting him if you were discussing it right in front of him.

phantomnamechanger · 10/06/2013 18:34

there are 3 issues here

YANBU to want to celebrate your birthday with whoever you do/don't want

But in that case YABVU to take a call from your parents while at your FILs house, and then proceed to talk to your DP about it there and then in front of your hosts! it was hardly an emergency, and so I think that was incredibly rude. In these circumstances, given that you were then saying how nice the breakfasts were there, it was only polite for DH to invite his DF. Otherwise it would have been better not to discuss it in front of them at all!

and thirdly, you BOTH sound like a pair of sulky kids - you for having a go when it was too late to undo the invite, and defintiely him for going off in a strop.

As for this group of people who barely know each other - if you have any future with DP they ought to get to know one another. You might even enjoy it in spite of yourself. For you to make an effort to get on with his family, especially if he has a difficult relationship with his dad, might actually strengthen your relationship.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/06/2013 18:36

I must be very very lucky then as I'm delighted that ny inlaws think enough of me to want to celebrate my birthday with me.

I think YABU as FIL was there so it would've been dead rude not to invite him whilst discussing how nice the breakfasts are at the place!

ovenchips · 10/06/2013 18:38

I don't think YABU.

A birthday is IMO not a huge deal when an adult, but if you wanted to do something, the whole point is kinda that you decide how to celebrate it. And definitely who you spend it with is up to you.

The rest of the year it isn't really, but I think you're allowed a breakfast once a year with guests of your choice.

MissStrawberry · 10/06/2013 18:48

He should have asked since it is your birthday.

mynewpassion · 10/06/2013 18:50

If you spoke about this in front of your ILs, then you were rude. How embarrassing to discuss a birthday breakfast that they weren't invited to.

I think your DP was trying to cover up the awkwardness by inviting them.

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 18:53

But if we never talked about places we were going to in front of other people for fear of offending them, surely we'd never go anywhere. If they were talking about a meal they were going to I'd think 'have a lovely time ' not 'why haven't I been invited?'

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 10/06/2013 19:03

There's a difference about talking about going to places together, i.e. you and him, and going to a birthday breakfast with family when there's other family sitting in front of you, who have not been invited.

If you can't really see why this is rude, then you have issues. Your DP was the mature one in seeing the situation for what it was: rude behavior.

phantomnamechanger · 10/06/2013 19:04

something - but they had no reason to be discussing it in front of their hosts anyway, and this would not have arisen had she been more discreet. That is the point - the whole world does not revolve around OP - if she HAD to take the call (in case it was an emergency), she could have left the room to do so in private, then she should have hid her disappointment and if her DP asked her who the call was from, said "I'll tell you later". INstead it seems like she felt sorry for herself and then started to go on about how lovely the breakfasts were etc - of course the DP felt he then ought to invite his dad.

Thesunalwayshinesontv · 10/06/2013 19:11

Oh blimey. YABU.

This is because you are making such a fuss about a birthday (for crying out loud), for a first birthday as a mummy (jeez), for differentiating between your family and OH's, for saying you wanted something small and intimate when there would never have been fewer than 8 (I'm sure your definition of "intimate" means your family only)...and on and on.

This is too precious for words.

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 19:12

I guess different things are important to different people Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 19:15

And I'd always answer a call from my parents regardless of who I was with unless I really couldn't, i don't see that as rude and neither did anyone else.

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 10/06/2013 19:22

IV never got this, why is it when you hit adult hood, why do birthdays appear not to be important? but then you get some that say only say mile stone birthdays count. like 30 40...

i just dont get it, do we stop celebrating and being happy that some one was born soon as you hit 20? birthdays are for celebrating how ever you wish.

i dont think yabu, i wouldnt have liked it ethier, but if there is no reall way of uninviting them, could you see it as bringing the family together more? it may turn out to be a really good idea and bring more avents in the furture?

wonderingsoul · 10/06/2013 19:24

though i do think you kinda brought it on your self, by disscusing it infront of them.. it is rude.

its like rubbing there faces in it..though i dont think you meant to at all.

BridgetBidet · 10/06/2013 19:26

YABU. I would be really upset if my OH behaved like this towards my family. I'm not surprised he's upset.

PiratesLifeForMe · 10/06/2013 19:29

I think Phantom has hit it on the head there.

Something, I am a big believer in birthdays too & agree that you can take a call from your parents....but to then discuss this in front of other family who aren't invited is just creating an unnecessarily awkward situation.

I think your OH just did a nice thing, deflected a situation where his dad could've felt hurt/unwelcome and given their difficult relationship surely that is a bit more important in the grand scheme?

Optimist1 · 10/06/2013 19:36

Sorry, OP, you're so disdainful of your inlaws, but don't forget your folks have blown you out on the occasion.

Why not make a huge effort and be sweet to everyone for a couple of hours on what is obviously Your Special Day?

YABU.

Original poster
somethingbeginningwith · 10/06/2013 19:38

I adore my in laws and my parents haven't blown me off, my mum has to work so they're coming to see me in the afternoon instead and the reason they rang initially was to discuss my birthday present. I never said I don't want my in laws to be there, I get along with them fantastically and love spending time with them, it's just for this one occasion, on my birthday, I just wanted my own family for a small amount of time. And I wasn't 'diacussing' the plans, I just said "mum and dad can't make it"

OP posts:
LumpInTheCustard · 10/06/2013 19:43

I must admit I would not be pleased to have DH inviting his parents along to my birthday breakfast either - but then DH wouldn't just invite anyone to anything I'd organised without consulting me first, and I wouldn't do it to him either.

Because he would think (as I would) that if I/he had wanted whoever to come along then I would probably have invited them myself.

But I do think that talking about the plans in detail, and how your parents had cancelled and how much you like the breakfasts was just providing an opening really, and I can see how it prompted your DP to issue his well-intentioned but ill-thought out invitation. And I can see why he felt offended when you said you didn't like the idea - his strop was OTT though.

And I don't understand this idea (which I have only really come across on MN) that adults shouldn't be allowed to do something they will find enjoyable on their birthdays just because they are adults now - and birthdays are only for children apparently. Obviously yes some people can be too precious and demanding about their 'special day', but wanting to have a nice breakfast out with a few close family members on your birthday doesn't seem particularly extreme to me.

Jux · 10/06/2013 19:47

YANBU.

intheshed · 10/06/2013 19:54

I agree that YABU to discuss it in front of your FIL if he's not invited. And it's only a birthday breakfast, surely the more the merrier! You don't need to make it a big deal by inviting all the rest of the family now that FIL is coming. Just chill!

natwebb79 · 10/06/2013 20:01

I don't think YABU at all. I love my parents and my in-laws but the thought of having them all together for too long makes me shudder as they're all so different. My DH would say 'shall we also do something with PIL at a different time?', not just invite them all without asking.

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