Soft play incident - WIBU?!

[Sianilaa]

I took my three year old to a soft play place the other day. He was playing nicely most of the time but then I noticed he pushed a child out of the way to get on a slide first. I went straight over, took him aside and explained pushing/pushing in wasn't nice and he was to wait his turn. If he couldn't wait his turn and I saw him do it again, he would go in time out. He started kicking off because I'd removed him from the slide and was losing the plot - he ended up lashing out at me.

I picked him up, took him to a quiet bench away from the play area, against the back wall and explained hitting was unacceptable and he would do 3 mins time out. If he repeated it, we would go home. I stood about 1 metre away from him and turned my back while he did his time out. Close to him so he knew I was there but not giving him any attention. I was calm but firm - Supernanny would have been proud!

He was sobbing hard though, but stayed put. About a minute later a woman came rushing over to me, pushed past me and picked my son up and started cuddling/rocking him! She kept saying to him, "shhh, there there. It's not your fault you have such a cruel, abusive mummy. It's ok now."

I was so shocked, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, catching flies for about a minute. When I got a grip, I told her to put him down and stop interfering when I was calmly disciplining my own child. This woman had a smaller child with her, plus a female partner. She put him down and went back to her partner loudly talking about how awful and cruel and damaging I was to my son. I lost my temper, and went over and said how dare she touch my son and interfere when I was trying to teach him hitting and pushing was wrong and that surely time out was better than screaming/swearing/smacking him?! I walked away shaking like a leaf.

Her partner came over a few minutes later and apologised, saying she had very strong views on discipline and ignorance and that she didn't agree with what I had done but that she shouldn't have done it or been so rude. At which point I said I wasn't ignorant in any way, and that they should be careful who they say these things to as next time they might get thumped by someone or ejected for inappropriately touching a child.

What would you have done?! Is time out cruel?! I didn't smack him or shout at him, but I did have to wrestle with him slightly to get him over to the time out spot I chose.

It's still making my blood boil just thinking about it.

babyhmummy if I'd been hit "a couple of times" by someone twice my size, I'd call that person a bully. Wouldn't you? Seriously, if you can't look after someone else's child without hitting them, then you need to leave him with the parents / child care.

Totally agree with Tantrumsandballoons. Every child is different, each parent is different, circumstances vary. Short of being actually abusive to children (and admittedly there is obviously some difference of opinion on what constitutes 'abusive'), there is room for (and a need for) all sorts of different parenting strategies depending on the family in question.

I would genuinely like to know what SirBoob, Quint et al would have advised me to do when my DD was in her delightful tantrumming phase. I recall my lovely earth mother friend advising me to 'hold' DD when she was kicking off, because she felt that my putting DD in time out was 'cruel'. On the one and only occasion I tried to 'hold' DD while she had a tantrum, she kicked me, slapped me, pulled my hair and bit me. It was very upsetting and I decided never to do that again as I was not prepared to let DD think that it was ok for her to do that do me. My best method for showing her that her behaviour was unacceptable was to put her somewhere where she couldn't harm herself or anyone else and wait for the rage to pass. I was always careful to tell her that it was her behaviour I didn't like, not her.

OP, YWNBU and the other woman was out of line.

Incidentally, I know the OP and her children. They are absolutely delightful boys who adore their mum, and the OP is an excellent mother (she sometimes doubts herself; as many of us do, but she is someone whose parenting I really admire.)

They have their moments, waterlego :) I wondered how long it would be before you recognised me!

This thread is completely and utterly bonkers! I don't think whether or not you use/d time outs is even relevant. What's relevant is that a complete stranger picking up a child and telling said child that their mum is cruel and abusive is inappropriate on so many levels.

I can't stand competitive and judgemental parents. It's just so shortsighted.

Roary.

Information that will be very helpful to you in the future.

Your child actually has to put you on a VO list and send you the VO before you will be allowed to visit unfortunatly HMP service does not allow you to just rock up.

Tantrums but you have just effectively told those that are not that keen on 'Time Out' that are not entitled to justify that reasoning. People who do use 'time out' have wanted explanations as to why it is not used and some have made huge assumptions about what those children must be like , I.e unruly- why is that ok?

This thread is bonkers!

All the OP did was put her child who was not behaving appropriately in her opinion in time out. She has been labeled a thug and abusive for doing so! The mind boggles it really does!

YWNBU OP

Of course I am not saying that at all.

People have said time out is the most effective method. Clearly that is true for them and their children but not true for others.

People have said time out is not a method they use. And that it is cruel. And makes them sick and very sad. And that xyz is the method the other people they should choose.
Which again, is true for them. But not for everyone else.

It just seems that people are unable to see past their own concrete beliefs that their way is the only way. And that anyone who does anything different is wrong.

And I personally do not understand that because IME one way and one way only doesn't work for every child in every situation does it?

Because Roary you have posted on here several times that you have been at the receiving end of another persin's aggression and how unpleasant that is. yet you are quite happy for your son to treat others aggressively.....oh the irony.

I personally didn't say I was sad about 'Time out' but I did think that it was sad that people judge their 3 year olds to be insolent. I just don't like that adversary approach to parenting a toddler where they are seen as deliberately trying to annoy the adult. I don't like it categorically and I never will.

I totally understand now why some people (and more than I thought) don't like the use of time out. That's absolutely fine and they use other methods, etc.

But if you hand on heart, genuinely believed that the use of time out was cruel and abusive - what would you do about it? Report them?

Roary- I am just utterly gobsmacked that you are encouraging your child(ren) to be aggressive, violent bullies.

No they won't get far in life as you seem to think they will; they'll end up with no friends and in trouble at school.

Are you even for real?

Oh, and your DS is on the 99th centile for height. That's alright then, he's big enough to flatten other less fortunate 25th centile boys (like my son).

You are either a dement or on drugs...or both

What is a dement?

Oh my word, what a fruit loop!! I think you did entirely the right thing.

Is Roary perhaps pulling our legs? I can't imagine anyone would say those things in all seriousness.

My son is on the 85th percentile and I encourage him to be gentle and kind to everyone, whatever their sex or size. I thought that was normal parenting.

gin get off it high horse u have no right to pass comment

I think Quint has just talked herself into a corner and unless she apologises and retracts that bonkers comment about you being a 'violent thug' was it? then I think you can discount her views.

Goldenbear - I also hate it when people put adult type feelings and abilities on to their toddler, like that they are 'manipulating' or whatever. People even do with babies don't they, like the arguments for CIO - they're apparently not crying from hunger or wanting cuddles, they're sneaky little buggers who just know when you've got back to sleep. Sorry massive diversion there! I mean I disagree with the idea that toddlers really plan naughty behaviour, they just do stuff because they want to and can.

I disagree with time out - and thanks OP for recognising and understanding why some people do - but the woman who grabbed your son was totally bonkers and unreasonable, and if I'd been you I probably would have burst into tears and grabbed him back, possibly shoving her back in the process, so I'm more of a thug than you

I did see a maybe 4yo at a toddler group a while ago who was crying for a good five minutes lying under a table. He seemed upset and a little bit angry / frustrated, but not like really lashing out or anything, just really properly crying. The mum was totally ignoring him, chatting to another mum. I had to move myself and DS to the other side of the room because it was really upsetting me! I guess that was some version of a 'time out' and like so many things with parenting, it can be done well or badly.

On the plus side, Roary is really amusing me and I might have to stalk her around the boards for further entertainment.

I want to be a dement, what's the procedure?

It's like being a dementor but the training is not quite as long.

Have read the latest posts with interest.

I'm shocked at people thinking because her DS cried when out in time out the OP was in the wrong to leave him there.

So lets put that ending in - her DS shoves, OP gives him a calm warning, DS hits OP, OP removes child to time out with a firm explanation, child cries. OP cuddles child because he's upset - child has learnt he can shove/hit etc as long as he cries because then he won't get his consequence.

Ultimately there becomes no reason for the child to manage their behaviour. Trust me I've seen it happen - to the point if the child was told off they hated mum and wished she'd die and throw things around the lounge, break things etc. The child learnt that the consequence wasn't followed through if her reaction was emotional - and everytime her mum tried to instill disapline she upped the anti. She even point blank ignored her mum knowing full well her mum was too scared to challenge her. And those who say a child is too young to understand, this girl knew full well what she was doing - her smirk and a glance around the room smirking at other adults said it all.

embarassingly my straight talking ASD DS suggested to this mum she called supernanny.

Roary - even if a 12 month old can understand some concepts of being fair and unfair does not mean he/she will demonstrate them. If a toddler gets his/her own way by sheer brute force and mummy sits back and simpers how proud she is of her little darling then the message that bullying works is loud and clear. Good luck with that approach!

And I may add time out works for me as DS just looks at me like when I try and explain something! He just learns that is OK - that is not, If you do that there is a consequence (positive or negative). He still has no social skills but a time out work as oppossed to a naughty step because he actually needs the time to calm down.

My DS manages his behaviour to an acceptable 6 year old level. He has been on the 'cloud' once since starting infant school and that was for shaking a tree. He is near the end of year 1 now so I think that demonstrates that it is actually possible to not use 'time out' and still have a child that can identify right and wrong.

You weren't being unreasonable, OP.

The woman sounds scary. I think you did really well.