To just think we should pool our money?

[BonaDea]

DH and I have been married for a year, together for 7. DS is 11 weeks. I'm on maternity leave and it has been agreed will stay off for a year. My employer's maternity policy is generous so for the first three months I've been on full pay, about to drop to 75% for the next three months, then down to smp for the remainder.

We both earn good money and are very fortunate not to be struggling financially which is great. However, although I earn a good salary, DH earns three times what I do. Before we were married we always just paid everything 50/50 although, for example, the mortgage payment for me was proportionally a much larger chunk of my salary than of his (obv). We kept our own bank accounts and just pay 'bills money' into a joint account. DH probably contributes more to fun stuff so will more often than me (but not always) pay for meals or contribute to holidays. That's because he has way more disposable than I do after bills given the difference in our earnings.

Still reading?! Ok, here's my question. The above arrangements have continued since we got married which I am basically fine with. Why should I suddenly get to spend his hard earned money because we are married!

However, we have just begun discussing how we'll work it when my pay drops to 75% (which would be enough for me to continue contributing the same, but not have any spending money as such) and what will happen when I drop to smp only.

DH seems very reluctant for us just to pool everything. He is talking about taking over my payments for things now while i am still earnings 75% (ie I stop paying towards mortgage etc) so that I can build up a pot of money which I can then use to spend the rest of the time. But I now only have three months of earning left so will not be able to build up that much. I don't want to be constantly asking for money or getting some sort of allowance from him. We are married and I'm on mat leave looking after his baby!

I feel really weird about this. Surely it makes sense for us just to pool everything now, or at least while I am off. My DH is lovely and generous and i know for sure that if i ever needed or wanted anything i would only have to ask but should I have to ask? I think he can be a bit touchy about money. His father was apparently 'fleeced' by his first wife so that DH's father and second wife (his mum) struggled financially. Is that what is going on? Is he worried I'll run off with the money?! I know it might be suggested he is being controlling of me but really I don't feel that's the case, he just feels funny about money i think.

Aibu? Should I go along with this plan or put my foot down and say it is ridiculous and we need to just share? What do others do?

You shouldn't have to ask.

I am in a similar situation- DH is an investment banker, I work for an NGO. We have a number of bank accounts (including but not limited to a joint one) but the principle is that it is all "our" money. Mind you, even before we were married we used to pay stuff in proportion to our salaries and DH used to pay for holidays and stuff as he had much more cash.

If everything is split "equally", surely your lifestyle ends up being limited by the contributory capability of the lower earning partner, which is stupid.

(eg say one person can afford to pay £1000 per month for housing, but the other can only afford £200, if you insist on it being "equal" you end up spending a max of £400 instead of £1200)

Richman -thanks. I forgot to say that with our house (which is jointly owned) DH contributed a very large deposit whereas I had 'only' some money to contribute to works being done. So I have benefitted to the tune of that money which he put in and which made it possible for us to have a smaller mortgage to which I could therefore afford to contribute 50%.

As for the lifestyle issue. We basically have the same lifestyle but whereas I use all my money every month he is busily ploughing cash into savings, making max pension contributions etc.

I feel like you should pool everything. I think it is the best approach to marriage. I get where his reservations are coming from re: his father, meaning, I don't think it's about you specifically, but about him wanting to fee safe. But here are a few points for him to help him consider.

1, your two goals here are to earn money and to raise a family. His two goals are also to earn money and to raise a family. Right now that means each of you taking primary responsibility for one thing. Right now he is the primary on earning money and you are the primary on raising a family. It wouldn't make sense for him to be allowed only 25% access to the baby right? And it wouldn't make sense for you to have only 25% access to the money. Both outcomes children and income are shared, b/c they are outcomes you achieved together.

2, if you divorce him or he divorces you, he's not going to be able to keep all the money, or keep more of the money, by not sharing it now. So he's not protecting himself against that event.

3, if he's worried about how you and he would disagree on how to use the money, well, you can sit down together and set some ground rules. E.g., all purchases above x amount must be discussed first. Or e.g., each person gets x amount per month to himself/herself to do whatever he/she wants with.

4, life is long. It may be (I really hope not) that he will become disabled or will lose his job. If that happens, and you become the primary on earning money, does he really want to not have any access to what you earn? And/or if that happens and he has to use up whatever he's saved off for himself in order to keep the family going, is that going to be any different than if it was always kept in a joint account? And/or if that happens and you have to move, is he not going to use the money he's saved off for himself to finance the move? My point is, no matter where you two keep the money, it's mostly going to get used for family expenses anyway.

Sorry so long but hope it helps.

Re: house, are you joint tenants or tenants in commom on the mortgage?

I totally agree, sharing the money is best, and its outrageous what he proposes. I suppose a compromise to sharing would be for him to give you the amount that'd make your earnings equal, iyswim, then continue sharing as now.

How do you pay food, baby expenses etc?

Hopefully he just needs a kick up the aree and to think about it properly. As you say, you're looking after his baby!

I think you should just pool it. DH and I always have. I'm home with the kids because we both decided it's what works for our family, so I'm not going to chase him down every time I need to buy something.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply! Sounds like I am not bu in my suggestion!

Ps. We are joint tenants so both own the house rather than owning specific parts of it based on our contributions.

YANBU

I think you will have to have a long unemotional talk about money with him. Although it sounds ridiculous does he want to pay you to look after your baby once it is born? Your inability to earn will be because you are looking after your joint baby, not because you will be playing golf, watching cricket matches or whatever he does in his leisure time. Until people have had a baby I don't think they truly realize maternity leave is not a sabbatical but time to recover from giving birth and then time to look after a baby. I hope you will enjoy this time overall but there will be some hard periods in your maternity leave. It might take him quite a few weeks to understand this, my DH sometimes needs time to process ideas which are alien to him but then realises his original position is illogical and so reassesses his viewpoint. I think using 'I feel' rather than saying 'you' when talk about it will help him consider your position.

Does he know what maternity nurses charge? I've just looked and its £750-900 a week for a 6 day week. You can offer to look after your baby for maternity nurse rates, he can pay you 1/2 the rate & lose a full day of his weekend. It's very early in the morning so I might be a bit mad.

Everything KeatsiePie said.

Plus, it's worth pricing out full time nursery, or a nanny, and show him in cold, hard £ figures, how much he's saving by you being at home.

I don't understand men like this. We moved back to my home country a couple of years ago, and in between that and moving cities, we've both had stints being the sole earner. Regardless, our money is pooled as it's family money.

I think if he suddenly found himself coming to you, cap in hand, asking for money while he was doing the hard slog of baby-raising and housework, he would change his tune pretty damn quick.

You know, he can insist in doing it his way, but long-term, the resentment it will cause will be insidious for your relationship. Is it really worth it?

When dh and I got married (eek 18 years ago) we opened a joint account that our salaries went in to. I'm a teacher, he's a doctor, so there was an obvious difference in the amounts!

We paid mortgage (rent to start with), bills out of joint account and each got a monthly "allowance" for presents, coffees, lunching etc.

We kept this up even when I went on ML and then when I be came a sahm. Children are older now but I've developed a disability - everything still gets paid in jointly (his salary - now as a GP partner - and my really rather small salary - I do literacy work for a charity but also get DLA.)

It's never, ever in our married life (and we were old-fashioned, didn't live together before we married) not been "our" money. We are a couple, a team. Our 3 dc are "ours" - and we don't want to have to argue over who buys the school shoes!

We pooled everything from the day we got married. Everything is in both our names.

He needs to rethink his finances in the light of what being married means, I reckon.

What works for us is that we still each have our own accounts where our wages still go but we have a joint account where I transfer 2/3 of my salary. This covers family spending such as groceries, outings, DCs shoes etc. DH pays all the household bills, mortgage, holidays etc which adds up to more than my contribution. Then on top of that we each pay randomly for nights out together etc. we both have the view that all 3 accounts are "ours" just that we each manage our own account and both the joint account.

I bought our house on my own before we were together, DH still lived at his mum's and earned more than me.

When he first moved in he gave me the money for half the bills each month, but everything went out of my account.

When we had DS, we then opened a joint account and moved both of our individual accounts into it, I now work part time and only earn around 25% of what DH does, but it's all just our money.

as for the story about his dad being 'fleeced' by his first wife, I would take it with a very large pinch of salt - probably just the family myth.
what he is suggesting is not really a marriage per se.

YANBU

We have shared all finances since we moved in together. Money isn't his or mine it's ours

Yanbu. But to be honest this was a problem from the moment you agreed to pay half the mortgage despite him earning 3 time more. He should have been paying 2/3 of everything, as that would have been proportionate. You should be left with equal spending.

I am a sahm, we have joint finances, joint everything and split whatever is left between us to share. I personally feel especially where there are dc it only becomes more and more complicated without joint finances, working or not. I left my ex dh for having a similar attitude to your dh.

We share it equally as everything goes in one account regardless if one makes more than each other. We love each other for life why wouldnt we?

I think there's a middle way between keeping entirely separate finances and pooling completely - keep your own accounts and open one joint one to which both of you contribute pro rata and from which bills/essentials are paid - your contribution whilst on 75% and SMP obviously would go down whilst his go up - but that way you both have visibility/control of what's going out/is left over/needed for what and you still have your own money to spend on whatever you like.

We use this system, and it works fine and got us through SMP times as well as times when I earned and he was unemployed.

Show him the salary of a maternity nurse. If he wants you to stay home and do that job for HIS child he can pay.

Maybe then he will see how ludicrous he is being.

As for the lifestyle issue. We basically have the same lifestyle but whereas I use all my money every month he is busily ploughing cash into savings, making max pension contributions etc.

How nice for him!! This needs to stop now. Think about what you would have if you seperated in 20 or 30 years time. The kids would be grown, so not sure what you'd be 'entitled' to but I'm sure it wouldn't extend to his pension. Meanwhile you've had reductions in your pension due to mat leave, possibly even working pt and have no spare cash for your own savings or to top up your pension.

I'm sorry his dad was 'fleeced', but your letting yourself be in danger of being left high and dry.

I believe everything should be shared. I cant understand married couples that have their own money and bank accounts. You def need to talk to him about this.

Out of interest, when you go back to work, who will be paying for childcare?

Shamelessly marking place, will be back to post later!

If he won't share his money, which I think he should.

I think the minimum you should do is split the bills by your earnings.

So for example if you earn £1,000 a month and he earns £3,000 a month and your mortgage is £750 you pay 25% (£187.50) and he pays 75% (the remainder). I kept figures simple for me to work out :)

I am probably going to be flamed for this, but I don't necessarily agree with pooling resources, so the solution offered by your husband seems absolutely fair enough to me.
Yes, I speak from the higher earner's perspective, but also I am the one who manages our finances.
We both have separate savings: a pooled savings account and two individual ones.
Maybe this would be the solution for you as well.

Let him cover the expenses for the rest of the mat leave whilst you save. It is not much, but you would have disposable income and as you say, it's not a question of him not contributing generously. For the mat leave period, ask for all the costs to be covered by him, it will also put into perspective the child related costs one incurres.