To just think we should pool our money?

[BonaDea]

DH and I have been married for a year, together for 7. DS is 11 weeks. I'm on maternity leave and it has been agreed will stay off for a year. My employer's maternity policy is generous so for the first three months I've been on full pay, about to drop to 75% for the next three months, then down to smp for the remainder.

We both earn good money and are very fortunate not to be struggling financially which is great. However, although I earn a good salary, DH earns three times what I do. Before we were married we always just paid everything 50/50 although, for example, the mortgage payment for me was proportionally a much larger chunk of my salary than of his (obv). We kept our own bank accounts and just pay 'bills money' into a joint account. DH probably contributes more to fun stuff so will more often than me (but not always) pay for meals or contribute to holidays. That's because he has way more disposable than I do after bills given the difference in our earnings.

Still reading?! Ok, here's my question. The above arrangements have continued since we got married which I am basically fine with. Why should I suddenly get to spend his hard earned money because we are married!

However, we have just begun discussing how we'll work it when my pay drops to 75% (which would be enough for me to continue contributing the same, but not have any spending money as such) and what will happen when I drop to smp only.

DH seems very reluctant for us just to pool everything. He is talking about taking over my payments for things now while i am still earnings 75% (ie I stop paying towards mortgage etc) so that I can build up a pot of money which I can then use to spend the rest of the time. But I now only have three months of earning left so will not be able to build up that much. I don't want to be constantly asking for money or getting some sort of allowance from him. We are married and I'm on mat leave looking after his baby!

I feel really weird about this. Surely it makes sense for us just to pool everything now, or at least while I am off. My DH is lovely and generous and i know for sure that if i ever needed or wanted anything i would only have to ask but should I have to ask? I think he can be a bit touchy about money. His father was apparently 'fleeced' by his first wife so that DH's father and second wife (his mum) struggled financially. Is that what is going on? Is he worried I'll run off with the money?! I know it might be suggested he is being controlling of me but really I don't feel that's the case, he just feels funny about money i think.

Aibu? Should I go along with this plan or put my foot down and say it is ridiculous and we need to just share? What do others do?

We don't have a joint account, but we have a third party access arrangement so we can get into each others accounts using our own card. That way if anything happens to the main wage earner the sahp/low wage earner can still get funds in an emergency or if the worst should happen.

Re: finances IMO the fairest way to do it would be to recognise the sahp's contribution to the family and add total monthly earnings/incomings together then deduct all outgoings (bills, pension, savings, money for household, money for child) then divide the remainder.

The only way not pooling works is if the contributions are proportionate. So if he brings in 75% of the wage he pays 75% of the outgoings.

Ask him how he would expect to contribute his half if he was ever made reduntant or on long term statutory sick.

I don't think this has to be complicated. For the last 20 years dh have had one account each plus a joint savings account. At first I earned 3x as much, then we evened up, now he earns 10x what I do!

We sit down when there is a change in circs, add up our total income and total regular outgoings; half of what is left goes in the savings account and the rest is split between us, with a bit more going to whoever earns the most. He can spend his money on whatever he wants, and I spend mine on whatever takes my fancy. Extra stuff for the kids we even out between us.

I don't think you have to have a joint account, but you do need to have regular and totally honest communication with an outcome that both of you find fair.

If I'm completely honest I think half of the shortfall in your salary should come from his (as a minimum). You both made the decision to have children and as such have both comitted to the financial hit.

The difference in our house is about 10:1 but we pool everything. I've never understood separate accounts but I guess people do things differently and you have been running your finances like this for a while.
Something has to change though and somehow I feel that all this dividing up is unecessarily complicated. Especially when putting all money in one pot and then taking out the necessary for the overheads is incredibly simple.

Oh, and FWIW you shouldn't have to ask for anything.

I don't think your dh has thought things through. He just sees income - yours and his. He doesn't appear to understand that whilst you are not working for your employer, you are working for HIM! Perhaps he hasn't even considered the savings you are making in nursery fees by you looking after the baby? Me and dh have always pooled things because we are a family.

My first husband was like this, always refused a joint account, watched me struggle to pay for things whilst always insisting on going 50/50 for things like food shopping despite earning twice what I did.

When we divorced I found out he had squirrelled away £20k+ in savings while i struggled to repay my credit card bill etc...anyway I digress - this just doesn't bode well to me. You are not working for him (what a ridiculous thing to say scruffey) you are part of a team, it's just your role at the moment is within the home. If he doesn't value that then I would question how much he valued me.

We pool all money always have, when i met DH, I was earning far more than him, but we shared, always have done, just makes it easier,

we pay everything, with what's left we decided what to do with it,

we both choose to buy things, invest ,save or donate, we both know what each other think on priorities, If one of us is undecided we consult, but we never ask 'permission',

Neither of us ever wastes money, we have lots of aims and plans, so if we do spend money on stuff, we are aware that those targets will be delayed.

If there is any belt tightening to be done, then it's a join effort.

communication and a common purpose is key,

We have the advantage as we are a limited company, so we both get paid the same, so it's all swings and roundabouts anyway.

I can never understand why people make such a huge commitment by buying a house, a huge commitment getting married and an enormous commitment having a child and then saying "I'm not sharing my money with you".

Bizarre.

Me and DH have always pooled money. I used to earn way more than him, now I have an extremely part time job and he earns 10 times what I do. I don't have to ask him if I want to buy something (obviously small, we both have a conversation about big items) and I in fact do all the banking, sorting financial things etc because I am at home more and have more time to do it.

We have ended up with the system outlined by Trills with a few additional ISA's and the main savings account is in my name alone as I don't pay tax.

Despite being the SAHP I am the one who manages the finances.

Exactly what SummerBlaze said. She took the words right out of my mouth.

Dh and I have one joint current account and two joint savings accounts. We have swapped the main-earner role several times during our marriage; currently he earns more. We consult each other on major purchases, and sometimes I will veto stuff as I do the budgeting and am the more financially cautious one, but the idea of working out percenateg contributions according to our earnings and saying 'you pay for the shopping, I'll pay the bills' (for example) is bizarre to me. Life's too short.

argh. Percentage contributions, that should read.

DP and I couldn't do a joint account. We both manage our money differently & it wouldn't work.

Since we decided to buy a place together it's always been agreed that we pool household money for household expenses into a joint account but manage our own (equal) leftover amount separately.

I had to argue quite strongly for this one even though I was putting in £20k more of the deposit on the house, but was earning £10k less. We always knew I would end up earning more so I knew when arguing for this that he would ultimately be the one to 'benefit' if you like, but it always seemed fair to me.

Never understood couples where one is decked in Gucci and the other is either cap in hand or off to Primark. My PIL used to be a bit like that - FIL was always 'treating' MIL, so very generous but...

Suffice to say when I was a student and DP was working I banned the phrase 'my treat' from the house!

It's 2013 - do you really want to have to ask him for money when you run out or have some unexpected expenses. You're married and have a baby - is it not an equal partnership ?

Work out child care costs and bill him for the 50% you are saving him. If while at home you are doing more house stuff work out the going costs for that and bill him for that also.

You need to talk to him again, the law already considers all your money family money and if you did split you would be awarded equal shares. Does he not realise this?

Have a joint account for both to access is the fairest way. You can have separate accounts for your own spending money if you like but you should have access to the bulk of money to pay for things without having to ask.

It he is against this idea why doesn't he make up the difference in your salary, transferring the 25% over. The difference will be a lot greater when you are on smp however.

Hi

We dont have joint accounts or access to each others money. What we did was write down all outgoings bills, childcare, food, car costs, pensions, savings ect. Then worked out how much dp and myself had to contribute to be left with same amount of spending money each month. All the direct debits come out of my account so dh transfers the agreed amount each month. Works well for us.

OP you do realise that by paying 50% of bills and mortgage, you are enabling him to save money into HIS savings and pension. He is not being generous at all.

This ^

The way it is now, you subsidize his savings, and get to save nothing yourself.

He is suggesting you save your money now, so that you can afford not to work to look after your joint baby - while he continues to save money.

Fuck that!

I suggest you go back to work after six months, keep your career going, and you both spend money on child care.

Right now, he is fleecing you because his own dad got fleeced. How is that fair?

I'd be seriously looking at going back to work sooner rather than later in your circumstances.

If you're splitting expenses, then the fairest way (particularly given you're now parenting together) would be on a proportionate basis ie. if he earns £66k and you £33k that's 1/3 towards each expense from you and 2/3rds from him.

He needs to understand what being a father means.

Suggest that you take both salaries.

Both are paid into a joint account.

mortgage, utilities, childcare, food, monthly budgets for clothes for the kids, family outings all 'family' etc. all 'family' spending basically, are all taken out of this pot. a set amount is taken from this pot and put into a short-term savings account to pay for family holidays, house maintenance or alterations, uni education for the kids, christmas for the family etc. Joint stuff you know, because childcare is joint stuff. What is left is split 50/50 between you both and you can do as you wish with it. Splurge it on sweets and records or put into a savings account or bet it on the horses membership for a golf club etc.

You've both bought a house based on both of your incomes after all. You've both decided to have children.

Does he imagine if you divorced he would get to keep his proportion of your joint income while you brought up and paid for your children on your income?

If he doesn't like it suggest you downgrade your property to one you can afford on your salary and he stays at home looking after the children and he pays for childcare if he decides to go back to work.

He may be very generous now but he evidently has no intentions of being so should your relationship sour. He's attempting to put money away for himself in case of this very situation after all.

Good god, I think many of you are being very harsh on my DH and seem quite bitter! He is not attempting to squirrel money away - if he was, why would he tell me about it??? He is attempting to save for our future and do things like pay down our joint mortgage which benefits me. Pensions and savings are marital assets like any other.

He is not using me for free labour either. I have already explained that his suggestion for the rest of mat leave is that he foots the bills leaving me to spend money that I'm earning now. If/when I return to work he will foot all childcare costs as he has the excess salary and I don't.

I simply think this is a bit convoluted and thought it would be easier and less stressful to pool everything and wanted to gauge who else does this!!

Thanks for all the input thus far (awaits flaming for naivety!!)

Do you have access to the savings - are they in joint names ?