To just think we should pool our money?

[BonaDea]

DH and I have been married for a year, together for 7. DS is 11 weeks. I'm on maternity leave and it has been agreed will stay off for a year. My employer's maternity policy is generous so for the first three months I've been on full pay, about to drop to 75% for the next three months, then down to smp for the remainder.

We both earn good money and are very fortunate not to be struggling financially which is great. However, although I earn a good salary, DH earns three times what I do. Before we were married we always just paid everything 50/50 although, for example, the mortgage payment for me was proportionally a much larger chunk of my salary than of his (obv). We kept our own bank accounts and just pay 'bills money' into a joint account. DH probably contributes more to fun stuff so will more often than me (but not always) pay for meals or contribute to holidays. That's because he has way more disposable than I do after bills given the difference in our earnings.

Still reading?! Ok, here's my question. The above arrangements have continued since we got married which I am basically fine with. Why should I suddenly get to spend his hard earned money because we are married!

However, we have just begun discussing how we'll work it when my pay drops to 75% (which would be enough for me to continue contributing the same, but not have any spending money as such) and what will happen when I drop to smp only.

DH seems very reluctant for us just to pool everything. He is talking about taking over my payments for things now while i am still earnings 75% (ie I stop paying towards mortgage etc) so that I can build up a pot of money which I can then use to spend the rest of the time. But I now only have three months of earning left so will not be able to build up that much. I don't want to be constantly asking for money or getting some sort of allowance from him. We are married and I'm on mat leave looking after his baby!

I feel really weird about this. Surely it makes sense for us just to pool everything now, or at least while I am off. My DH is lovely and generous and i know for sure that if i ever needed or wanted anything i would only have to ask but should I have to ask? I think he can be a bit touchy about money. His father was apparently 'fleeced' by his first wife so that DH's father and second wife (his mum) struggled financially. Is that what is going on? Is he worried I'll run off with the money?! I know it might be suggested he is being controlling of me but really I don't feel that's the case, he just feels funny about money i think.

Aibu? Should I go along with this plan or put my foot down and say it is ridiculous and we need to just share? What do others do?

I also don't think pooling resources is the only option, but the current situation is not equitable and that needs to be rectified.

Paying bills proportionally to salary works for some couples too, or having a joint account that you both pay into or you include individual savings as part of your outgoings like dilidali mentioned.

This is a difficult one. People come into marriage with very different ideas about how it should be managed, and usually struggle to sensibly discuss it as it's very close to some core values (safety, security etc).

Personally, I think once married all money is joint. But that's how my parents ran things and they never got divorced, so I have a very different perspective to someone with a different upbringing.

If his concern is risk in case of relationship breakdown (some people just like to have a plan b regardless of how likely they think it is to be needed) you'll probably never get to fully shared finances. But you should be able to get him to a fairer place.

I'd just start the conversation by saying you feel concerned and threatened by continuing the previous arrangement when you're not earning, as arguably having DC was not wholly your idea nor should you suffer as the primary caregiver/one having the baby. And see where he's willing to go. He may genuinely not have thought it's a problem...

Im happily married but we have our own seperate accounts. DH earns double what I do and when I was on ML I stopped paying my half of the mortgage. Now im part time I still dont pay mortgage or utilities but do pay childcare and food. It can work having seperate accounts providing what you are paying for is proprotional to individual salary

My ex boyfriend was lily you dh. We had to go half in bills but he earnt 3 times what I did! I couldn't really then afford to do anything and ended up getting into debt, but that's another story.

In an ideal world you should share everything like you say you're not just going to spend every penny and you are married. You're in maternity leave looking after your baby there is a drop in income which should be a household drop not just your drop. However if he's funny with money I suspect it was cause real problems - money is very hard to talk about.

If he earns a lot more than you can he pay you the difference that you've dropped in your salary, so for now 25% and then increase it when you go down to SMP. That way you who are the lower earner isn't disproportionately suffering.

It actually says in the CoE (and I think similar in others) service
'All that I am I give you you and all that I have I share with you'

When I read about situations like this it always reminds me of watching marriages on tv. So many don't seem to have that real closeness that I expect.

You are about to become a family, you have married and have a house together. Big commitments already. To me that means committing financially too, you pool your resources and trust your partner.

From before I married DH we pooled resources, when he was the SAHP I supported him financially, now he is working he supports me. There is no way I would have seen my DH struggle financially while I earned the money, he was looking after our child, supporting me to work. Plus why should your child miss out on opportunities because you have to pay 50% out of a smaller pot.

It is a very selfish attitude IMO and you need to work it out before the baby arrives, because once they are here you do not need to be worrying about money on top of having a newborn.

We pool, life is full of ups and downs. I have been the breadwinner, a sahp, a student. Either of us could become ill or unemployed at any point. Money matters because of what it allows our family to do, where it comes from and who it comes from is unimportant.

The money should definitely be shared in principle, although I think a lot of people have cold-feet about having joint bank accounts, etc, because it really goes to the heart of security. I would have a wobble about having a joint bank account simply because there is less control over the balance with two people drawing out of it. What if, for example, you both need to fill up the car on the last day before payday, neither one realising that the other has to also, and your resulting £80 each takes your account into the red? It requires great communication, good financial skills and a lot of planning - or a significant enough amount of money that it doesn't matter.

However, there's no denying that, in principle, it should be joint and this would be the ideal solution. However, if you're looking for compromise, maybe he could set up a standing order into your account. This should be for an amount that equates to half the disposable income. So your pay/SMP + his income - all bills = disposable income which goes half into his account and half into yours. That way you can both control your own pension contributions/savings, retaining autonomy but ensuring fairness.

We hand separate accounts and a house account. My income is variable as I'm self employed so my separate account also operates as a business account and while I can keep a mental tally of incomings and outgoings on that and what is set asidd for tax it would be unfair to expect dh to.
When I'm off for maternity (MAonly due to being s-e) I am not contributing at all to the house account. MA will cover my pension and mobile and leave me a small amount of day-to-day spends. Dh will have about the same day-to-day spends after putting everything else (bar his pension, life assurance and phone) into the house account.
When I start working again and the nursery fees kick in we will again adjust our contributions so we are both left with equal disposable income each month.

It can be hard to get your head round changing levels of independence when you have a baby.

In truth. if he is reacting to the 'fleeced' issue (and one wonders how far a division of assets really was 'fleecing') he has already taken the biggest step in relinquishing sole rights to his earnings. Legally everything in the marriage is now jointly owned.

Suggest other theoretical models to him: if he believes in equally matched contributions, how about you both go part time for the second 6 months of ML? Point out that you are now the childcare enabling him to work. Also, it is not just about cash, now. If you have further children who's careers and therefore salary and pension prospects will be permanently affected?

Try any way you can to get him to see that now you have a child your respective contributions come in different ways but are equally valuable. And that what is fair is not always the same as what is equal.

Yadnbu. Presumably you've married for life? So what is he saving his money for? What are his extra spendies for? Is he only going to leave you a carefully worked proportion of it to you if you outlive him? And which bit about having a baby did he think he wouldn't be responsible for?

And everyone else: if you think you're going to marry the person you're with, talk money now. Don't leave it til it happens. What happens when either of you have a baby/give up work to look after a dying parent/follow your life long dream to work in a job which pays nothing/get sick and can't work. Because the heat of the moment is not the time to find out you disagree about money.

I can relate to you OP, I had the same problem on maternity leave too.

DP is very good with money and I'm very independent so whilst we had a joint acc for bills, we contributed 50/50 despite me earning less.

It took me instigating a serious conversation during mat leave (and following me reading a thread on MN) to realise that by being together, raising a child, everything should be pooled together. I actually showed the cost of childcare at nursery (something we were both a bit clueless about tbh, not really researching prior to conceiving ) and explained I could go back to work but this would be the cost per week.

We made dp's acc in to a joint account and I transferred my incoming wage to that and then set some 'rules' (sounds formal, it really isn't ) like any purchases for the running of the house were fine for either of us to buy; individual purchases we ran by each other and discuss needs vs wants and priorities for the month.

Funnily enough I now manage quite a bit of the finances which I never did before (saving bills). It nice that its a partnership regardless of how much each of us contribute.

All the best OP

Your carrying his baby.

Tell the complete knob head that marriage is about loving caring and sharing!!!

Never in a million years understand this separate finances crap. Why get married?

Just insist. Stop the rot now while you are at the beginning of things or he will just get meaner and meaner!

Your carrying his baby.

Tell the complete knob head that marriage is about loving caring and sharing!!!

Never in a million years understand this separate finances crap. Why get married?

Just insist. Stop the rot now while you are at the beginning of things or he will just get meaner and meaner!

Oh gosh this is so common on here! I think in our parents day it was easy. Woman had no job so all money in was dhs.

Then along came work for women. Then everyone seems to have got touchy, make sure the other half doesn't run off with it all etc etc. I remember myself being told never to end up reliant, keep seperate, look after yourself - all to stop some ignoramus running of with my dosh.

This doesn't work once married if circs are changing eg may leave or redundancy. If married then there's one unit, the family. All comings in need to be in one pot. It all fails otherwise. Childcare etc are NOT solely your responsibility. They ARE family responsibilities. Together.

Show dh this thread maybe? Good luck.

We have always had separate accounts, and a joint house account. We worked out how much we need in the joint a/c to cover all our monthly expenses, and then work out how much we each need to transfer in to be left with the same amount of disposable income each month.

I manage the finances and if we need more in the joint a/c I'll usually pay the rest.

It used to be about the same, but now I'm part time DH pays much more in.

You have a baby, house and marriage with this man and he drags his feet over pooling money? That would be a deal breaker for me tbh as I would see it as him not being as commited to the family as he should be. It doesn't matter who brings in the money in this house as long as we have it and everything gets pooled.

We did the same would

I earn 10% of dh. Everything has always been pooled together. Each year we do a budget in spreadsheet with all income and expenditure, from food to holidays to gifts and everything in between. This way we know what we can afford for the year. we both have a line for spending money, and it includes gym subs golf club subs etc.

Each month we check what was spent to see we are on track, adjust as needed and carry on.

Any big spends are in the budget eg a car, large DIY.

This way we both know everything, achieve our goals etc. Neither of us is the type to spend crazy money. And we don't have to stick to the budget its just a guidance so we know we're managing ok.

having it in black and white might help him to see that pooling is going to work for you as a family

Thanks for all the input.

I will definitely need to have a further discussion with DH. I feel quite defensive of him reading some of the comments because I know he is not doing this because he is being selfish or doesn't value me being at home with our DS. I am also convinced that he is doing all he does to provide a good future for us as a family.

However, as the majority point out, if that is the case then what difference does it make if we go joint now? Not like I'm Imelda Marcos or anything.

My DH is also touchy about money, for reasons related to his background. So I sympathise with you both.

What works for us is to have separate accounts, but also a joint account into which money for all joint expenses goes. We each put a set amount in, but that changes with circumstances, e.g. When I was on mat leave, DH covered the lot. Big expenses like holidays etc are just paid for by whoever has more cash at the time.

The general principle is that everything is joint. I have found that repeating over the years that money is 'ours', not individual; being demonstrably willing to share, and expecting dH to do the same; and on occasion reminding DH that I'd we did split, he'd have to divide everything anyway....has brought us to the same understanding.

Have I read this correctly, that he is letting you save now, so that when you go back to work, you will have some spending money? If so, what does he think will happen when you're savings runout?

Doe he expect you to use all your money on bills/livong expenses and have no money for clothes, treats, holidays, presents, things for dc, etc etc etc?

DH & I have been married for nearly 4yrs where has the time gone??!!, living together over 7 & together nearly 12yrs. When we moved in together, we were earning a similar amount BUT I had some money towards the costs etc (we got 100% mortgage, as they were available then, so slightly different to your situation) but we pooled everything. We still kept our own bank acc but had our salaries paid into a joint ac. I had read something that suggested even if you earn different amounts, to ensure you contribute the same towards your living, you both put the same % in. So we both put 85% of our earnings towards the joint ac & have a personal allowance of 15% each. Obviously the % is negotiable depending on how much living costs are, as are the terms you agree for what is 'personal' spending & what's joint. For example, hobbies are personal, clothes that are essential are joint & so on. But DH is very good at managing our money & we've made it work when I was earning a bit more or a lot less, since having the DC.

Would that work for you?

I do think married couples should find a way of sharing/compromising especially when DC are involved - it could breed resentment as you continually pick up the DC tab so to speak & your DH gets himself a nice secure, comfortable retirement.