To just think we should pool our money?

[BonaDea]

DH and I have been married for a year, together for 7. DS is 11 weeks. I'm on maternity leave and it has been agreed will stay off for a year. My employer's maternity policy is generous so for the first three months I've been on full pay, about to drop to 75% for the next three months, then down to smp for the remainder.

We both earn good money and are very fortunate not to be struggling financially which is great. However, although I earn a good salary, DH earns three times what I do. Before we were married we always just paid everything 50/50 although, for example, the mortgage payment for me was proportionally a much larger chunk of my salary than of his (obv). We kept our own bank accounts and just pay 'bills money' into a joint account. DH probably contributes more to fun stuff so will more often than me (but not always) pay for meals or contribute to holidays. That's because he has way more disposable than I do after bills given the difference in our earnings.

Still reading?! Ok, here's my question. The above arrangements have continued since we got married which I am basically fine with. Why should I suddenly get to spend his hard earned money because we are married!

However, we have just begun discussing how we'll work it when my pay drops to 75% (which would be enough for me to continue contributing the same, but not have any spending money as such) and what will happen when I drop to smp only.

DH seems very reluctant for us just to pool everything. He is talking about taking over my payments for things now while i am still earnings 75% (ie I stop paying towards mortgage etc) so that I can build up a pot of money which I can then use to spend the rest of the time. But I now only have three months of earning left so will not be able to build up that much. I don't want to be constantly asking for money or getting some sort of allowance from him. We are married and I'm on mat leave looking after his baby!

I feel really weird about this. Surely it makes sense for us just to pool everything now, or at least while I am off. My DH is lovely and generous and i know for sure that if i ever needed or wanted anything i would only have to ask but should I have to ask? I think he can be a bit touchy about money. His father was apparently 'fleeced' by his first wife so that DH's father and second wife (his mum) struggled financially. Is that what is going on? Is he worried I'll run off with the money?! I know it might be suggested he is being controlling of me but really I don't feel that's the case, he just feels funny about money i think.

Aibu? Should I go along with this plan or put my foot down and say it is ridiculous and we need to just share? What do others do?

A quick Google reveals that having a baby reduces your lifetime earning potential by 80%. Yes 80%! That is what you are risking\investing in this family. What is he willing to put up??

This is aibu - you're going to get all kinds of comments Op.

Fwiw I'm about to go on mat leave with dc3 - dh and I earn similar amounts but when I had ds1 dh was by far the bigger earner. We tried the approach suggested by your dh which partially worked but moved to more of a pooled money approach as time went on as there was no resentment that says - and it worked out as our family grew that more and more of our money was spent on joint family expenses. We have a joint account - which we both pay half our salary into and top up as needed which is pooled cash (mortgage, childcare, school costs etc all come from this) and seperate accounts where we use our free cash as we wish for savings, going out etc. When I am on mat leave my contribution to the joint account will go down (by quite some way) and dhs up (so all we will still have our money pooled in this way) to maintain it to the level it needs to be at and when I return to work we'll resume the normal status quo. Conversely if dh has reduced earning capacity for whatever reason I am prepared to up my contribution to our family pot for so long as required. If our earnings change, then we'll reassess our approach. Our way doesnt work for everyone but does work for us - I think as long as you keep dialogue open and are open to trying different approaches you'll find something that works well for your family.

We have very unequal earnings and before children had them in reverse. We have been married for 23 years and are very traditional.

When we met/married I owned my own house almost outright and DH gave me half towards the running costs. I was earning 100k and he was scraping by having just finished a pupillage.

My money financed the deposit for our family home on which we also took out a large mortgage but had about 70% equity even so. By the time DS came along DH was earning just enough to fund our living expenses and I gave up work and became a SAHM for 8 years. For the first two or three years our budget was tight and we had to micro-manage it - always keeping a bit in hand in case a fee didn't come in.

We have never had a joint account and DH has never given me an "allowance". DH paid all the bills when I wasn't earning. I had enough money to buy what we needed from day to day vis a vis food, clothes, soft-play, the odd coffee etc.. I just used to keep all the receipts and keep a note of what I had spent and DH used to give me a cheque at the end of the month. He never ever questioned what I spent but neither of us are the last of the big spenders. For bigger purchases we used to have a chat but mostly DH trusted me to make decisions but then I never went out and blew money. I also had a modest amount of my own money.

Eventually I went back to work and my money goes on the DC's extras (music, sport, trips, etc), their clothes and general stuff and I pay for their mobiles, Virgin. Once I went back to work DH started to give me a monthly cheque for food (now £800) and I stopped accounting for every penny I spent. DH has never asked me to contribute a penny to expenses.

What we do wouldn't work for everyone; we both have squirrelled away funds; we have never had a row about money; I earn one 10th of what DH earns nowadays. It helps that neither of us are extravagant I think and that in the early days I supported DH at a time when he was really struggling to break through. Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that we trust each other and our expectations are the same. I've seen threads on here about a DH wanting a wallet for Christmas for £140.00 when the family was struggling financially. Neither of us would spend that on a wallet or purse - ever - even though we are far from struggling.

OP I agree that sounds like possibly an overcomplicated approach. If you already have a good idea of what your income and expenditure will be over the next 12 months and are happy that you (jointly) can keep afloat then it doesn't necessarily need a complicated plan to keep on top of things. Whether you view it as pooled money or a handout/'treat' money or money from your savings, he'll still end up paying the same amount in if I've understood his proposed approach correctly. Therefore I think it's reasonable to take the simplest approach - and to work some flexibility into it (if he's just going to stump up extra cash any time you need to make an unexpected payment - eg car repair for a car only you use - then the logic of his approach goes out of the window )

It sounds like your DH is financially astute and likes to plan/feel in control (not in a controlling way if that makes sense - but to understand what's going on and be assured that he's doing the best/right thing and that finances are and will continue to behave themselves not that I'm describing myself here ). If he objects to pooling everything maybe there's a compromise where you agree in advance how much you're both going to need to live off comfortably, plus household related costs, plus child related costs, and pool that. Then whatever's left over he could continue to save/invest/etc thereby retaining the current control and stability he has over his income (albeit a lower balance)

^ what Sunflowered wrote ^

Its convoluted but essentially your husband is offering to pay for everything so that you can have your own cash that you know is your own. But he also needs to agree that he will pay for cash emergencies - new boiler, insurance excess etc. Also, you need to discuss how things will work if you go back to work either PT or FT and whether if its PT, if he'll carry on the same arrangement?

I have married friends with one child who don't pool their resources. He pays the mortgage and all bills, and all of her money goes on their child's education, extra-curricular activities and flying home during the summer to see family. It works for them, but I'm of the pooled resources variety, where my DH openly declares that its our money.

He does however question if we need so much stuff....

I predict this is going to be one of those threads where we never find out the result of the conversation between OP and her DH...

Op- that's what happens on a public forum -people reflect on their experiences. If dh is reluctant or doesn't see an issue I would defo suggest doing the proportinate route. He may find this easier to move to short term. Then medium term a joint savings account