To just think we should pool our money?

[BonaDea]

DH and I have been married for a year, together for 7. DS is 11 weeks. I'm on maternity leave and it has been agreed will stay off for a year. My employer's maternity policy is generous so for the first three months I've been on full pay, about to drop to 75% for the next three months, then down to smp for the remainder.

We both earn good money and are very fortunate not to be struggling financially which is great. However, although I earn a good salary, DH earns three times what I do. Before we were married we always just paid everything 50/50 although, for example, the mortgage payment for me was proportionally a much larger chunk of my salary than of his (obv). We kept our own bank accounts and just pay 'bills money' into a joint account. DH probably contributes more to fun stuff so will more often than me (but not always) pay for meals or contribute to holidays. That's because he has way more disposable than I do after bills given the difference in our earnings.

Still reading?! Ok, here's my question. The above arrangements have continued since we got married which I am basically fine with. Why should I suddenly get to spend his hard earned money because we are married!

However, we have just begun discussing how we'll work it when my pay drops to 75% (which would be enough for me to continue contributing the same, but not have any spending money as such) and what will happen when I drop to smp only.

DH seems very reluctant for us just to pool everything. He is talking about taking over my payments for things now while i am still earnings 75% (ie I stop paying towards mortgage etc) so that I can build up a pot of money which I can then use to spend the rest of the time. But I now only have three months of earning left so will not be able to build up that much. I don't want to be constantly asking for money or getting some sort of allowance from him. We are married and I'm on mat leave looking after his baby!

I feel really weird about this. Surely it makes sense for us just to pool everything now, or at least while I am off. My DH is lovely and generous and i know for sure that if i ever needed or wanted anything i would only have to ask but should I have to ask? I think he can be a bit touchy about money. His father was apparently 'fleeced' by his first wife so that DH's father and second wife (his mum) struggled financially. Is that what is going on? Is he worried I'll run off with the money?! I know it might be suggested he is being controlling of me but really I don't feel that's the case, he just feels funny about money i think.

Aibu? Should I go along with this plan or put my foot down and say it is ridiculous and we need to just share? What do others do?

It's just so late in the day to be sorting all of this out. Why on earth has this not occurred to either of you before you had a baby ?

Entirely pooling your money could lead to resentment or martyrish feelings if you have different attitudes to spending/saving.

The best (IMO) system for a couple who are a team (you are married and have a child!) is this:

One joint account to which you both have access - you both agree how much this account needs - this pays for all house-related and child-related costs (mortgage, food, bills, insurance, everything for children)

One joint savings account to which you both have access, but neither spends anything from here with out the other's agreement - you both agree how much this account needs

The remaining money is split evenly into two separate accounts - you then choose to do what you please with this, you don't have access to the other person's spending money and you don't get to comment on what they do with it. You can save it up for a £500 handbag or spend it in dribs and drabs on coffees. You should not need to pay for any essentials or anything child-related out of this, because that will be covered by the joint account. It doesn't matter if you think that golf clubs are a waste of money or if he thinks that £100 is a ridiculous amount to spend on a haircut because it is your spending money to use as you please.

You both contribute to the household. You are both equally important. You should both have equal spending money to do with as you please.

The very least, you should be paying for all the expenses pro rata, not 50/50.

But (unless one partner has a gambling or similar problem) it's just so much easier to see all income and expenses as joint ones. I can't really imagine living in a marriage where one partner is skint every month and the other one sitting on a pile of cash. And I'm saying this as the higher earning spouse.

Goodness a lot of you are being harsh on her OH. I would hate to have a totally joint account, so DH could see everything I spend and vice versa for him.

OP - I'm sure you're DH will be totally reasonable if you sit down and have a chat about how you want the money to work and explain how you're feeling.

I agree with everyone else and I find it hard to understand why married couples don't share their money. What about that bit in the wedding vows "all that I have I share with you"?
DH have had a joint account since the day we got married. Before that when living together we had separate accounts but split the bills will me paying less as I was only a student.
DH was the main wage Warner for about 5 years a and now I earn slightly more. But it is all our money. As long as you have a similar outlook on spending then this will not be a problem. And with the 'fleecing' issue, since you're already married then all his cash would need to be deferred on a divorce so what is he protecting it from now?

He hasn't really got the point about being married, has he? I don't know whether you had a traditional marriage service or not, but there's definitely something in the CofE one about sharing all your worldly goods.

FWIW we have joint accounts for bills, food, big expenses, and savings, and separate accounts for our equally allocated 'spending' money. That means we can buy presents for each other without feeling silly, and we can fritter money away on stuff that the other considers unimportant.

Bona I'm sure he's a good guy. He's just not looking at how little sense (imo.) it makes to keep operating as if you were two professionals dating. You have thrown your lots in together, and whether you pool it all or do proportional contributions, you simply need a financial arrangement that reflects the fact that one of your big joint priorities (raising a family) does not pay money, but costs money, and is a joint long-term investment. Good luck talking to him.

I am the major earner in our marriage. DH is self employed & works part time doing the bulk of the child care & house work. Every month he pays himself into our joint account the money for dd's nursery. I pay in everything else (all bills & food & savings). We are both left with an amount in our own accounts. Granted I get a bit irritated that mine pretty much covers my petrol for my 75 mile commute & not alto else and DH manages a guitar lesson & night out with the boys every week but that's another story.

at some point on the future when the girls are at school I know he'll be earning more again but I also know it won't come close to what I earn, but I've always known that. The money should be mostly pooled in my opinion

OP you do realise that by paying 50% of bills and mortgage, you are enabling him to save money into HIS savings and pension. He is not being generous at all.

I think you need to have a long chat with him

I've never really understood why couples don't share money. Since DH and I first lived together we got a joint bank account and everything goes in there.

When one of us wants something outside of what we can just afford to buy we discuss it and decide when we can buy it. We work on a needs and wants basis. Needs come before wants then when there is the money we each get what we want in turn.

FWIW we have never in 10 years had a single argument about money. DH earned twice what I did when we met. Now I'm part time he earns 5 times what I do and soon we are moving to Dubai and I won't be working. Throughout all of this nothing has changed with regards to money and access to it. When it comes to Christmas and birthdays etc we take some money from our joint account and put it in our own accounts so we can't see what each other is buying.

Then again, I don't spend money frivolously and never have. I suppose that makes a difference?

I do not understand someone who sets up home and has children with someone and then thinks they don't want to share their money with them. As many have said, you being at home allows him to earn and apart from anything else it is about sharing and to a lesser extent, the values we place on various jobs.

I just don't get why you get married an comity tour lives together for better or worse, sick or well if you can't even share the money you both earn.?

Remember sahm ARE working.

I am in similar situ op. But...

We pool everything together. All money is "ours" as others have said.

He doesn't question what I spend on - as long as the house is running as it should be and I'm not out spending frivolously - which is pretty easy when off on mat leave.

Our mentality is that we are a "team" as corny as that sounds and everything we contribute to the pot is joint even though I will not be contributing anything during the last 3 months that I'm off work. I have always contributed less.

Own accounts for salary but for expenses and bills we have a joint account that we use during the month and reconcile at the end along with our savings and personal accounts. We both know exactly what we have in what account at any given time.

I don't feel bad spending his money because we are one family. One household. One set of expenses.

HTH.

He is married now and he needs to stop seeing the money he earns as "his". It is money for the family. As able bodied adults someone has to take responsibility for bringing money into the household, but just because the pay packet with more has his name on it, it doesn't mean that he alone gets the benefit of that amount.

In a business it is not usually all of the staff who are responsible for physically bringing money in, yet all of them get paid. In a home it should bhe the same.

Remember the bit in your wedding where you both said 'all my worldly goods I give to you' to each other? That's a wedding vow, same as 'I won't shag other people'. He may contribute more money to the relationship than you but I am quite sure you contribute more childcare than him yet do you ration his access to the baby? Or to food you've cooked?

Putting you in a position where you have to ask for money and he gives it to you is a form of control. Nice for him, horrid for you. Unfortunately sorting it out with him is going to be unpleasant.

I would give exactly the same advice if you were the higher earner BTW.

This comes up again and again on mumsnet, and always surprises me.

I think the key is a match of both ways, particularly once married.

You can pool everything, invest in ISAs each, joint savings, savings in the lower rate taxpayer/child's name (for those who can afford to save!).
Then, you allocate "spending money" - for us this is currently £400 PCM for haircuts, golf, shoes etc. It's important for us that it's equal, even though my husband earns nearly double what I do. This separate spending money allows for some privacy, and means neither if us feels we need to justify an expensive meal out with friends or a cheeky bet on the football.

Were currently cutting back to prepare for maternity leave, so have reduced our personal budgets - I think it's important that these sorts of changes affect both parties equally.

Sit him down and have a frank discussion - you can find a better way which suits you both.

I am always shocked when I hear of spouses behaving like this. DH & I have had joint accounts since getting engaged & starting to save for a house deposit. At that time he was earning double what I was but his attitude was very much we are a partnership & share everything. This has always worked well for us through many ups & downs & changes in the dynamics of our relationship e.g unemployment, illness, sahp. There have been times in our marriage when one or other has been sole/main earner but because we have always looked at it as our money this has never caused any problems.

Due to longterm illness our financial situation has changed for the worse but its OUR financial situation not just DHs (as he is the one who is ill) and we deal with it as a couple. Surely that's what marriage is about especially when there are children involved!

As others have said you are contributing to your family by looking after your DC while on Mat leave. That is a huge contribution & should be regarded as just as important as your DHs larger financial contribution. Hope you can get him to see sense on this one!

I hate the idea of entirely joint accounts, but you can still have separate accounts and it be fair.

Me and DH have always earned roughly the same. He now earns a little bit more than me. Prior to mat leave we both paid an equal amount into a bills and savings account - this covered all things like holidays etc too. The difference in earnings has not been enough for me to bother to change 50:50 split for me. If it changed drastically we'd discuss again and prob adjust contributions.

The rest we kept in our own accounts and spent as we liked, or saved.

When my full time pay runs out for mat leave we'll both pool all resources to cover bills (incuding stuff for children) and joint savings (if any!) and then split the remainder into our own accounts to spend as we like.

Depending on time off we need to discuss managing NI/pension payments for me, because we need to make sure I'm covered.

I agree that his way seems unfair.

Ok a few comments:

As I understand it if we were to split savings and pension are taken into account in any settlement the same as other assets so to suggest he is saving up a big pot in order to leave me high and dry is nonsense.

We did have a trad wedding service and said those vows. He has unquestionably put lots of his cash and savings into our property which is half mine without any similar contribution from me. He isn't precious or penny pinching about that.

For the person who asked. The suggestion at the moment is that I stop contributing money to the joint expenses now as I am still earning company maternity pay. He will then take over all those joint expenses - mortgage, bills etc allowing me to create a pot of cash which I then use for me when my mat pay runs out. All joint costs would essentially be borne by him including food, DS related expenses etc.

I just think it sounds easier to chuck everything into the same pot and if necessary set some limits on how we spend it which goes both ways.

I think the main thing is that there are lots of different ways of achieving something that is "fair". What you have now is not fair.

The way we do it is we have a joint account for all household and joint expenses (petrol, food, bills, mortgage). We pay a set amount into this each month by standing order, in proportion to our incomes. The amount we pay is a bit more than is needed most months, so a small pot builds up to cover incidental purchases like a new washing machine or flights for a weekend away we are both going on. Everything else is separate. This seems fair to us and has caused no quibbles so far - we've been operating this way since we moved in together 5 years. BTW, I think this is fair and I'm the one in the higher earner situation, so I pay more each month (and also have a bit more for my own use).

When I was a SAHM my DH paid all the bills, all the mortgage and paid my credit card off at the end of the month. There was no chat about it.

I don't think he is trying to be unfair, but I do think that what you are doing is unnecessarily complicated and makes it hard to see if things are fair or not.

Joint accounts for joint expenses and savings, and separate accounts with equal money for "spending money" makes things fair in a much simpler and more transparent way.